Page 65 of Saving the Rain (Crimson Ridge #4)

“ I t’s early... way too early for you to be cooking for me.” I rub one eye with the heel of my palm as a full-bodied yawn and stretch combination takes over.

Raine rolls his eyes in my direction and continues cracking eggs into a bowl before whisking them.

Outside, there’s only blackness to be found beyond the crack in the curtains, and the dawn chorus has begun, those faint chirps when the earliest of birds first wake up.

“I gotta eat before work anyway, and I’m not letting you go all the way back up Devil’s Peak on an empty stomach,” he grumbles at me.

Am I protesting that my maybe-kinda-sorta boyfriend is making breakfast in nothing but a slutty pair of sweats and a sexy scowl? Not in this lifetime.

I’m still processing the events of last night, but certainly having him here to hold me and just be there—without judgment or turning me away for being such a terrible fucking screw-up like I was terrified he’d do the moment I told him about my mom—that helped me more than he could ever know.

No one could ever possibly judge me harder than I already do. And even with the black fucking headspace I’d been in when I got here, he didn’t think of me that way. God, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this man. Or to earn a place in his bed... wrapped securely in his arms.

It’s overwhelming in a wonderful, unbelievable sort of way.

“You want extra cheese, or a normal amount that won’t clog your arteries?

” He rummages in the fridge while the giant omelet for two starts sizzling.

Goddamn, that buttery, caramelized smell is insanely mouthwatering.

Ok, maybe he was right about the whole eating before driving back up the Peak situation.

If it weren’t for this, what he’s making, I probably wouldn’t stop to eat anything until dinner time.

“Just make whatever you want.” I drag a hand through my hair and have to hide a mile-wide smile when he lets out a heavy sigh, secretly rolling his eyes in an adorable way. He promptly adds double the amount of cheese I know he would normally have if it were his own.

Raine flips the omelet and clears his throat.

“Take a look at this.” He picks up his battered phone and swipes something open.

When he slides it across the wooden table so that I can read what waits for me on-screen, it’s an email.

“See what you think.” His voice is all rumbly and extra gravely with sleep, and I raise an eyebrow at him before he turns his back on me to plate up our eggs.

My focus flies back and forth across the few short lines of text. It might be early, I might still be feeling rough and barely half-awake, but what is written there—plain and simple and devastating at the same time—makes my heart lurch into the back of my throat.

“What do you reckon?” Raine hands me a plate. His expression is unreadable, as it so often is, and the only hint of anything I get is the way his eyes flicker briefly between the phone and my gaze.

I swallow the massive fucking lump that just appeared out of nowhere.

“This looks like a job,” I croak.

“It’s the ranch I used to work for.” He hovers, not sitting, not eating, and I’m feeling that flopping sensation in my belly. Not the good kind. “They’ve asked me to come back urgently.”

“I can see that.” My tongue feels numb. He was in Canada before coming here. God knows how far away in the back of beyond. That’s ranching for you.

“The pay is too good to turn down. Besides, Beau will be back any day, and I was only ever on a temporary contract here.”

I push eggs around my plate, now having zero appetite, even with how amazing this looks and smells. Because all I see when I look at that perfectly golden omelet is that I’m never going to have Raine making me breakfast again.

“What do you think?” He slides into a chair opposite mine, but I can’t look at him.

“It doesn’t matter what I think.”

He scoffs. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head. “That’s bullcrap.”

“You need to do what’s best for you.” I run my palms up and down the thighs of my jeans.

Raine chews a mouthful thoughtfully, eyes boring into my skull the whole time. Meanwhile, I sit here feeling about two inches tall. Like all the wind has been let out of my sails. I’ve been left flattened and discarded by the side of the road.

“And what if that involves you, huh?” His voice has got just enough bite to it that I flick my eyes to meet his, and my pulse kicks up. “What if my first thought was to ask them if there were other positions available, because I want you there with me?”

Ringing intensifies in my ears. I feel more than a little light-headed.

“I—I can’t go anywhere. I gotta stay here.

You know I can’t let my dad down.” I’m ransacking my brain, trying to find words that fit the feelings coursing through my veins.

I don’t want him to go; that’s what my brain is screaming, but at the same time, that murky, dark recess of my mind shouts at me gleefully.

Told you so. This is what was inevitable.

He’s too good for me, and the truth was always going to come to light that he deserves better.

I’ve still got shit to make up for. I owe my dad, and I can’t hold Raine back.

Everything feels hot and prickly and I can’t believe this is happening .

The love of my fucking life studies me with his usual quiet steadfastness. “No. I don’t believe that’s the real reason.” He’s calm and assured when he speaks. Not giving me a single clue as to whether this feels as tumultuous for him as it does for me.

Flustered words tumble out of my mouth. “What do you want from me, Raine?”

“I want you to start thinking about your future. Your life. What is it that you want?”

“Maybe I don’t know what I want.”

“How about you stop running for five minutes and think about it properly.”

Is his voice cold? My pulse is thudding so hard, I can’t tell for sure. But I swear to god he’s closing up, freezing me out, because that’s exactly what I deserve. He’s already written me off.

He would have every right to. Who wants to be with someone as messed up as me?

That hot and clammy and nauseous feeling sets up camp in my stomach as I struggle to find words.

When I do, they’re clunky, awkward, not anything approaching what I actually want to say.

But that’s what falls out, and I’m unable to bite them off or swallow them down.

“Look, I can’t be the reason you get held back, ok?

You don’t need to be responsible for me and how much of a mess I am. ”

“Kayce . . .” He sighs heavily.

“No. I think you should take the job. You should go.” I’m on my feet and moving toward the door with my keys and my phone and needing to escape right fucking now. “They’re giving you a great opportunity. I think you should take the chance to do this, and do what’s best for you.”

His shadow looms large at my back as I shove into my coat and boots.

“And where does that leave you? What’s best for you?”

“I’m ok here. I’ll be fine.” Lies. All lies.

Raine inserts himself between me and the door, arms folded as he studies my spectacular meltdown in real-time. Yeah, I’m such a fucking loser, and this is the precise moment he’ll see all that. He’ll realize that by leaving Crimson Ridge, he’s dodged a bullet .

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” The way his voice dips into that low hint of warning makes my pulse race. “Quit dancing around the thing you wanna say, and just say it.”

“Don’t you see? This is how I break things.” I spread my hands wide, gesturing around the room and then between the two of us. “I take something good, and I fuck it up every single time... so... so... I think you’re better off without me.”

A noise like a warning comes out of him. “That’s not your choice to make. You don’t get to decide what’s best for me.”

“Maybe not, but maybe I can decide for both of us.” Jesus, the acid burning the back of my throat is impossible to swallow down, and I want to sprint away, hide, throw myself off the cliff edge that I’m racing blindly toward just so I can plummet into freefall and not feel a goddamn thing.

“I know what you’re doing,” he says quietly.

“Well, that’s wonderful.”

Raine steps into me. And I hate this. I hate that I’ll never again get the side of him, the man who cares and heals the parts that have remained wounded for so long. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve ruined everything and managed to destroy the only bright spot in my life.

I’ve fallen in love and successfully made him hate me, all in one fell swoop.

“Go on then.” His brows furrow together. “Push me away, snowflake. Make sure to really light the match and set it all on fire. All because you don’t believe you deserve anything, when you actually do .”

“Raine... don’t...” I can’t stand here any longer with him looking at me like that.

Giving me those beautiful, dark eyes that pierce me like a hundred arrows with just one glance.

I’m too weak. I’m too pathetic. “You deserve so much better.” When I finally get something out, it’s a feeble effort, and I see his lip curl.

“It’s ok. I’m hearing you loud and clear with your maybe we should just end this bullshit routine.”

“It’s probably for the best... I’m messed up, and you don’t need to be dragged into my crap.

Look at last night. I came in here with all my shit.

.. ruined your evening... dragged hell after me once again.

You keep on having to take care of the mess I cause.

But I won’t do that to you anymore. There’s no way I could live with myself constantly being this fragile goddamn thing exploding like a bomb all over your life.

” The words keep on coming, pouring out of me, and I just want to shove them all back down.

Somehow swallow them, hide them away, and rewind time to a few minutes ago when I hadn’t detonated the charge right in the middle of everything.

“I’m nothing but bad news.” Stepping around his bulk, I can’t look him in the eye.

There’s no way I’m strong enough to endure what I might find there.

Knowing he can’t stand me is one thing, but seeing it in his gorgeous features—witnessing that deadened look as he takes in the sight of my pathetic state—leaves me crumbling to pieces.

My focus stays lowered as I reach for the door handle. This is for the best. I’m doing us both a favor. I’m helping him more than anything by telling him to take the job, to move on with his life. He’ll realize that. He’ll thank me.

“I’m the fuck up you don’t need to worry about anymore, Raine. You and I both know you’ll be far better off without me weighing you down.”