Page 75 of Salute, To Bravery

Violet

Two months later.

I needed coffee—desperately. My mind was in a fog, and my eyes were droopy. I was up all night overthinking Ophelia’s behavior. She’d been distant and unlike herself. Ophelia was harder on herself now more than ever, and I couldn’t help but think it was my fault.

I went to my car, put the keys into the ignition, and heard a click before the car started. I connected my music to the radio and started my fifteen-minute drive to my favorite coffee shop.

I turned the music to the highest that it could go to distract me from the fact that I was terrified.

I was frightened of losing Ophelia, to herself and her thoughts.

I was afraid of losing her to my concerns.

I didn’t want to lose someone who I was falling in love with.

I didn’t know how I could. I’d never been in love; I’d never had a serious relationship like this.

But I needed to put myself first, and if she didn’t start communicating with me, I was scared of what this relationship would become.

I didn’t want this to end.

I saw the coffee sign and pulled into the parking lot. I grabbed my bag, keys, and phone, and headed inside. I locked my car once I was inside the building and ordered my normal, iced cherry, mint latte. I plugged in my headphones and put one earbud in so I could hear my order.

After a few minutes, they got my latte. I took a seat and started to work on a few websites.

I needed to tackle these websites. It had been difficult to focus with Ophelia constantly on my mind, constantly worrying about her, constantly scared.

I didn’t know what she was capable of. But I did know that she wasn’t herself.

I shut my computer in defeat and looked out the window.

I couldn’t believe it. Ophelia was slowly going down the drain, and all I could do was watch and pray, and I didn’t even do lots of praying. I couldn’t just sit here and watch her drown.

“Hey,” a familiar voice said.

I looked up; it was Sarah, and her big bump wasn’t there anymore.

“Hey.” I got up immediately, almost ripping out my headphones in the process. “How are you? How’s the baby?”

“One question at a time,” she said as she sat. “I’m tired, and the baby is doing great. Despite my worries, the doctors say that she is fine. All she does is cry,” she said.

“No joke. Kids are exhausting.”

“You don’t know exhaustion until you have a baby.” She laughed. “How are you and Ophelia doing?”

I paused in my tracks. Responding was inevitable. If I stayed silent, maybe she would forget that she asked. I didn’t know how to respond. Our relationship was the best I could have hoped for, but she was distant. Everything was perfect except for that.

“Did you guys break up?” she asked cautiously, keeping eye contact with me.

I never thought eye contact could be scary until now. It felt like she could see into me. It felt like she could see all my emotions and thoughts.

“No,” I said plainly, scared to give any other details.

“Then why are you acting weird?” she asked, putting her head in her hand. “What happened, Violet?”

“Ophelia has been acting weird,” I said, finally giving in. I shouldn’t be talking to someone else about the problem; I should be talking to Ophelia about it. I just don’t know how to. “She’s been distant ever since she got back from Japan. I can’t help but think it’s my fault.”

“First of all, someone else’s actions do not reflect on your personality, it reflects on theirs. Have you ever thought that something happened in Japan?”

“Yes but—”

“No, don’t gaslight yourself. Don’t undermine yourself. Something probably happened in Japan, and she just doesn’t want to admit it because she’s an avoidant.”

“So am I, in all honesty.”

“I can tell.” She laughed. “But two avoiders create a problem. You both need to get over your fears and just approach the situation. Sweeping it under the rug isn’t going to do anything. Go talk to her.” She took a sip of her coffee. “You need to talk with her before it becomes a bigger issue.”

“Okay.” I started to pack my things, grabbed my car keys out of the bag, and rushed out the door.

“You forgot your drink,” I heard Sarah yell.

I ran back inside, grabbed my cup, ran back outside, and started my car. After about another fifteen minutes of driving, I finally arrived at Ophelia’s.

Nerves were in my stomach. My hands were slightly shaking.

I shouldn’t have been nervous, I knew that; I was talking to my partner, not a stranger.

Yet, my gut was telling me I was gonna find out something that I wasn’t going to be happy about.

Either way, I knew I would walk out of this conversation with my heart broken. I didn’t know how, but I knew.

I knocked on the door and waited patiently.

I heard the gears unlock, and the anxiety heightened to one-thousand.

“Yes,” she said. “Oh, hey.” She finally looked out of the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to talk with you.”

Her face went blank; she opened the door wider.

“Thank you.” My voice was shaky.

I walked into her messy living room; it looked as if she hadn’t done dishes or cleaned in at least three months, since she’d returned. It even smelled.

“Sorry about the mess,” she said shyly.

I said nothing.

“So, what’s up?” Her voice cracked. It broke my heart knowing that I’d caused this stress. Her beautiful warm brown eyes were full of tears. It was as if I had interrupted a crying session.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Ophelia rolled her eyes, clearly trying to hide the fact that she was crying. “You wouldn’t understand—”

“Try me. You talked about it to Leanne, why won’t you talk about it to me? I’m your girlfriend, not her…” I paused. “Are you cheating on me?”

“No. I would never dream about it.” She seemed frightened. “How do you know I talked to Leanne? Did she talk to you?”

“That time in the car, you were both crying. I connected the dots. You don’t have to do this alone. Let me help you.”

“No.”

There was something else going on that she wasn’t telling me; I just couldn’t figure it out.

“Why?” I asked.

I need to help her.

I need to help her fix herself.

I can’t sit here and watch it happen.

“Because I’m too much! I’ve always been too much. You don’t deserve me. You shouldn’t have to deal with my bullshit. You shouldn’t have to deal with the mess of my life! You don’t deserve to watch someone start over. You deserve better than that.”

I stayed silent, trying to find my wording. I couldn’t describe how I felt. It hurt that she didn’t trust me, made me feel unworthy. I knew I was just taking it personally. She was not purposely trying to make me feel that way.

“See.” She started to pace, and tears were breaking her eyes.

“No, I don’t see. Don’t make me your villain.

I’m not your villain. I’m your partner. You’re supposed to talk to your partner, which you haven’t been doing.

I understand why, but that doesn’t change the fact that you haven’t been communicating.

You don’t get to tell me what I deserve. I know what I deserve.”

“You deserve the world.” She stopped pacing and looked at me. Her eyes were in so much pain. It broke my heart.

“What if you’re my world?”

“Why would worthless-little-me be your world? Why do you think I deserve your love?” She was repeating someone else’s words. She wouldn’t say this unless she believed it. She actually believed this.

“You aren’t worthless. What’s making you say this?”

She looked up to the ceiling and then back into my eyes.

“In Japan, my sergeant witnessed me having a panic attack and deemed me unworthy of being there. If I don’t deserve that dump, I sure as hell don’t deserve you.

You’re kind, smart, and a businesswoman.

I work at the animal shelter—goodness gracious. You are too good for me.”

“You deserve someone who is kind and smart. I love that you work at the animal shelter.”

“That’s beside the point—”

“How about this…” I paused. “I’ll switch to a different therapy group.

” She started to protest, but I put my finger to my mouth.

“You need a place where you can talk freely. You are worthy of that. You need to find yourself again, and you should talk to me. It’s putting too much stress on this relationship to be in the same therapy group. ”

“But they’re your friends too.”

“I’ll still stay in contact with them. But you need to go to therapy. You need to feel safe in your therapy session, and if you don’t feel comfortable with me there, then I’ll change.”

She simply nodded. Ophelia was holding her hands in front of her body. “I need you, just don’t leave me.”

“Not in my wildest dreams.”