Page 72 of Salute, To Bravery

Ophelia

V iolet decided that she wanted to bring us to therapy today. Normally, I would just walk, but this was my first time since I’d returned. I told Violet I wanted to keep it a secret and surprise them, and she agreed.

I think she could sense my nerves, somehow. Maybe it was my body language or how I was staying silent and playing with my fingers. Either way, she grabbed my hand and started to rub my thumb.

We were in peaceful silence the entire car ride there. It was nice because I could collect my thoughts and understand my feelings better.

My leg bounced. Nerves swallowed my entire body into sweaty jolts. I couldn’t wait to see them, but I was also nervous about how they would react.

Were they going to ask questions?

Were they going to be kind and nonjudgmental?

Or were they going to be vulgar and unkind?

My brain ran through cruel scenarios, causing me to sweat more. This was a bad idea. I turned my head and realized that we were already there. Terror engulfed my body. I was like a planted tree, unable to move except to sway by another force.

“You got this, they missed you so much.” Violet paused and brought my hand to her mouth. She kissed it tenderly. “They love you so much.”

“What if they get mad?” I questioned.

“Why would they be mad at you?” Violet asked. “Did something happen?”

I looked down from her tea-colored eyes. “Yes.” I spoke quietly, hoping that she wouldn’t hear me.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” I felt guilty. I should have wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me.

“That’s okay, we’ll talk about it later when you’re ready.” She rubbed her finger against my hand again. “We need to go now.”

I nodded, not wanting to listen. Knowing she was right, I got out of the car and walked into the beige building.

We checked in with the receptionist, and she pointed down the hallway. “Have a good day.”

We both nodded and walked into the chaotic room. This was what I’d missed, the chaos of all these people that I love, the energy.

I heard a scream and looked around, and everyone started to run up to me. Leanne hugged me first, then immediately playfully punched my arm.

“You should’ve told me!” Leanne exclaimed.

“I wanted to surprise you,” I said in defense, my arm still hurting from the punch. “When did you get such a good arm?”

“Since when did you become a weakling?” she questioned jokingly.

I laughed along with everyone else. That was when Dorthy walked in; the room calmed for a moment and then erupted again.

“Look—”

“—Ophelia!”

So many voices collided with each other, I could hardly understand any of them.

Dorthy walked through the crowd, with no reaction on her face.

It was controlled and focused. It was unnerving to me.

Did she not miss me? Everyone went to their seats, and I stayed standing.

Frozen to the spot where my feet were planted.

“You can take a seat, Ophelia.” She didn’t look up from her laptop.

I looked around the room for an empty seat and saw one next to Violet. My eyes gave her a questioning look. My body sat next to Dorthy, but I still felt like I was standing there, staring her down, trying to make sense of her little-to-no reaction. My mind couldn’t comprehend it.

Did she not miss me? Does she know why I was back after two weeks?

She couldn’t know. Could she? Does she?

“I’m very pleased to see you here, Ophelia, it was a wonderful surprise.” Dorthy finally met my eyes.

I released a breath that I didn’t know I was holding.“Thank you,” I said with a smile, and she nodded.

“How are we doing with this sudden, uncontrolled change?” Dorthy asked the group.

“I’m wonderful,” Leanne spoke up first. “I love this, but Ophelia—I don’t know how to describe it—I find it curious that she is back so soon, especially since they are still sending trauma relief.”

“Sometimes people just get sent home,” Dorthy said, writing down what Leanne said. “Plus, if there is a reason, we won’t push Ophelia. She will tell us when she wants to.”

That was when the rest of the group just stared at me. Their stares left goosebumps. I could feel my chest growing heavy.

“Guys,” Dorthy said, “it’s her first day back. Give her a break!”

Leanne rolled her eyes. But her piercing dark-almost-black eyes still had their attention on me. It was quite distracting, because I couldn’t focus on anyone but her. I couldn’t listen to anyone. My mind was only on the fact that Leanne couldn’t take the hint.

◆◆◆

As Dorthy said her final words, everyone started to pack up their things. “Goodbye,” she said to the group. Then, she was on to the next support group.

Slowly, everyone left the room. Violet grabbed my hand and led me to our car. A yelp came out of my mouth as I felt someone touch my other hand.

I turned around. It was Leanne.

“Excuse us for a moment, Violet,” Leanne paraded off before Violet could say anything. Leanne dragged me into her car. “What happened?” Her eyes were blaring into mine.

Tears flooded my eyes. I couldn’t tell her before Violet. I shouldn’t tell her anything. Violet deserved to be told first, but I didn’t know how she would react. “I had a panic attack…” I paused. “In front of my sergeant. He found that unreliable and kicked me to the curb,” I said in a shaky voice.

“Oh,” she looked at her hand and started to fidget with one of her many gold rings, “I didn’t know.”

“No one knows.”

“Not even your girlfriend?”

“Not even Violet. I’m just scared that she will find me untrustworthy, stupid, or even weak.” My voice shook more as I talked. “I have to be strong for her. She deserves so much more than me.” I looked into Leanne’s eyes and realized that they were reflecting my emotions.

“You deserve to be loved.” Her voice sounded like it was bleeding, as if she was just as hurt and upset as me. “No one is perfect. Not even Violet.” She started to wipe her tears. “God, don’t make me cry,” she cursed. “I love you, but don’t hide yourself from the one you want.”

I simply nodded and looked into her eyes. That was when a knock brought me back to where I was. I was in a car crying.

I wiped my tears and got out of the car.