Page 70 of Salute, To Bravery

Ophelia

I woke up to the same annoying sound, To The Colors.

I got up quickly but felt a heavy weight fall onto my chest. It wasn’t dizziness.

It wasn’t exhaustion, well, physical exhaustion.

It was something heavier than that. It was the tiredness of feeling like you didn’t belong.

It was the tiredness of feeling weak and like you were failing—failing to feel happy and secure. Failing at life, it seemed like.

I put on my loose pants and tightened my waistband. Then, I put the tight shirt on my tiny body. My hair went into a low ponytail next. Quickly, I slid on the inflexible, hot combat boots.

I heard the next bell and ran to the cafeteria.

Placing a smile on my face was . . . difficult.

Pretending that I didn’t feel like I was suffocating had its challenges, but I knew I had to continue.

I kept a smile as I walked through the lunch line.

The smiles on the ladies’ faces were genuine.

It broke my heart knowing that I was deceiving them.

This used to be the place where I felt most at home. Everyone knew it. I felt safe, secure, and familiar. I knew everyone. Even my sergeant knew this. I was being pushed, and I loved it.

But now, it wasn’t giving me the push that I needed. It was pulling me in the wrong direction. It was taking me down a path that I couldn’t follow. And it broke my heart.

The younger me would be so disappointed in what I’d become. Serving my country was my top priority, but now it wasn’t. I wasn’t sure what my top priority was. I thought I knew, but admitting I’d changed was scary.

The world around me changed. My parents changed. Even my cat has changed. But not me.

As of now, my top priority is myself and my relationships. I felt selfish. My priorities have changed, and that was healthy. Even though I know this, it does not feel that way.

The sight of my food made my stomach turn.My thoughts were still racing when I took a seat at an empty table.

What else has changed about me?

What else do I not know about myself?

What else is there?

Do I not know myself like I thought I did?

Freaking out was an understatement. My breathing was unsteady and rapid; my chest rose and plummeted. Something inside me burned. I couldn’t breathe as tears threatened to leave my eyes. I would not let them leave my eyes. At least, not here.

I abandoned my food and the cafeteria, keeping my eyes on the floor. As I was focusing on my panic, I ran into a wall. I looked up, and horror filled me.

I didn’t run into a wall. I ran into my sergeant. Sergeant Bryon.

“What’s your hurry?” His voice rattled and echoed off the concrete walls.

“Just trying to finish getting ready so I can go out and help people,” I tried to sound confident, but my voice failed me.

“Liar.” His voice was smooth, too smooth; it broke me.

I looked down from his piercing eyes. They looked right through my lie. I couldn’t bring myself to say what he wanted me to. He wanted me to say that I was running. But if I told the truth, I would break. I just needed time to overcome this panic attack.

“What is your hurry?” he repeated.

I bit my tongue, trying to keep in the tears. “I’m…” my voice betrayed me by showing my true emotions. I took a deep breath. “I’m trying to get away from the crowd.”

He looks over my shoulder. “That’s not much of a crowd.”

“I’m trying to calm down.” My tears threatened to break free from their prison.I took a shaky breath.

“From what?” His voice showed no emotion; he almost sounded bored. It sent chills down my spine. Maybe it was just the cold.

“From a panic attack, sir.” I looked up at him, and his face turned into disgust.

I knew him. He would say, ‘Leave your emotions elsewhere,’ or something along those lines. He did it last time. He wanted his soldiers to be robots with no emotions, like him. It would be better to not have feelings, according to him.

“Already, Ophelia?” he asked. This was the first time he’d said my name, face to face.

Another round of chills ran down my back.

“God,” he cursed, “you truly are more trouble than you’re worth, just like Sargent Bride said you would be.

He was the one who said he needed you here.

How could I be so foolish?” he said more to himself than anything.

“Go home, Raven. Return to civilian life. Now. Never come back.”

He walked away with his head held high, and I walked away with mine low. My tears were still threatening to overcome me. I couldn’t let them win. Not after they were the reason I just got fired.

I just got fired.

I just got fired .

Tears broke free as soon as I was alone. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. It was a tsunami. Except… it felt like I would be the only one dead.

Embarrassment rushed to my cheeks.

“You’re more trouble than you’re worth,” rang in my ear as I continued to pack my things. Tears flooded my vision. My breaths were heavy and fast.

I called a taxi, left, and never looked back.