Page 74 of Salute, To Bravery
Ophelia
I s this what love feels like?
Anxiety crept into my skin, into my mind. It was as if a torrent had come out of nowhere. My mind couldn’t comprehend it. Was I in love with Violet?
Violet fell asleep quickly after we put on a movie. We decided on something light-hearted and kiddish. Her head fell onto my shoulder, and her arm wrapped around me.
I should leave.
I couldn’t. I stayed in the same place. It was as if I was rooted to the ground. It was suffocating. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified of falling in love again.
I knew Violet wasn’t like any other girl I’d dated. She wasn’t a sociopath who wanted to control everything I did, and she wouldn’t stalk me if we broke up. Violet was kind and gentle. She was everything that those girls weren’t.
I couldn’t help but be terrified of what was to come. I couldn’t help but worry that she wasn’t showing her true colors. She was new to the group; no one knew her motives or who she was. I won’t go in blind, not again, not ever.
Panic crept into my shallow breath.
Violet wouldn’t purposely hurt me or stalk me. Yet my mind couldn’t comprehend that. My mind wouldn’t comprehend it.Above what I couldn’t comprehend about Violet, I felt like something was wrong or something terrible was going to happen.
People said that love was the most beautiful thing a human could experience.
People said that it might save you. I thought differently.
Seeing how it turned my parents into enemies, and how it turned people I knew into people I didn’t recognize.
Love was viscous, something that would kill you slowly without you noticing.
Smooth jazz filled the air.
I got up, setting Violet down on the couch smoothly. I went to my phone, which was in the kitchen. Seeing Arlet’s profile photo, I answered,
“What are you doing up so late?”
“What happened to ‘hey’ or ‘how are you doing,’” she joked. “I’m studying lines for a new film I’m going to be a part of, and that’s all I can tell. It’s very top secret.”
“I’m happy for you.” Though I tried, I couldn’t make my voice sound cheerful. It sounded somber; it sounded as if I were crying.
“What’s wrong?” Arlet picked up the distress call that my voice was sending.
“I don’t know. Well, I do know, but I don’t know what to do about it,” I said in one breath. “I think I love her, Arlet, you know how much I’m terrified of being in love. You know I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love again. But here I am, breaking that promise after so long.”
Arlet stayed silent for a moment. “She’s not like the others that hurt you. I think you should stay with her. I think you need to stay with her, to heal. Even if it is terrifying.”
“I know I should stay with her because ‘don’t let fears hold you back,’ but what if I do? What if this is my gut telling me to run?”
“Your gut is never wrong! Your brain is the only one that intercepts those messages, causing some misreading sometimes. I don’t think your gut is necessarily wrong… I just don’t think your mind is understanding those messages.”
“But—”
“No ‘buts’ about it. You need to stay. She makes you happy. You need to get better, you can’t run from this, or you will regret this for the rest of your life.”
“Okay,” I said in defeat.
“Alright,” she said in agreement. “You need to try at least, got it?”
“Okay.” Worry fell over my body. “Okay,” I said, looking over at the peaceful angel.
“Don’t run from this one. I think she will be good for you.”
“Agreed,” I said with tears in my eyes. I can’t believe I let myself do this again. “I broke a promise.”
“It’s okay to outgrow promises. You didn’t break it, you outgrew it. Think of it like that.”
“How are you so good at this? You shouldn’t have been an actor; you should have been a therapist.”
“Only for you will I be a therapist. I would hate to hear people’s problems all day, every day. I want to make people laugh. I want to make them feel something, and that is what good acting is about. Making people feel something.”
“I love you, Arlet. I sure do miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“Goodnight,” I said.
“Goodnight.”