Page 67 of Salute, To Bravery

Violet

M y phone rang as I walked out of my door.

I had another group therapy session today, and I was as nervous as I was last time.

However, it felt deeper and heavier, I don’t know if that was because I missed Ophelia so much it made my stomach ache or because I was nervous about the group.

I had no idea what the group would say about Ophelia and me.

I knew most would be protective and supportive, but I didn’t know about Dorthy.

I answered the phone and was relieved to hear my father’s voice.

“Hey, I have to go to Japan for Air Force business, but I’ll be back before you know it.” His voice was sincere. “I love you, and I will always protect you.”

“That was weird to say.” I laugh. “I love you too, Dad,” I said to him, and he hung up the phone.

I got into my car and drowned my fears with my playlist. As I drove, I belted my heart trying to forget all my worries.

I couldn’t wait to see everyone again, even though it’d only been two weeks since we last met.

A part of me was still worried about what they thought of me and how they perceived me.

They all seemed so tight, and I felt like I was intruding even though I knew I wasn’t.

I got to the building and went inside. My anxiety sank into my skin, causing chills to fill the space between hairs. I couldn’t stop or control it. I was being controlled by it, and that was the scariest thing of all.

I walked down the pale hallway and went into the room. Instantly, everyone looked at me, smiled, and went back to talking before the therapy session started. Anxiety rang in my ears. My hand shook, along with my foot, as I took a seat.

“Hey,” Leanne said. “Are you okay? You seem anxious.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m f-fine.” My voice shook.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” she insisted, her voice sincere.

I stayed silent for a moment, arguing with myself if I should tell her. Tears started to swell in my eyes. Leanne hugged me as she saw the tears roll down my face.

“I don’t belong here; someone else deserves this more than me,” I whispered into her shoulder.

“No,” she lifted my head and looked into my tearful eyes, “don’t let your brain bully you like that. You deserve to be here. You belong here. We are your people. We understand your pain. You served your country, you deserve to get help,” she said sternly.

“I can’t believe you,” I said, shaking my head.

“We’re gonna change that.” Leanne put my head back on her shoulder and allowed me to have my moment.

Soon, Dorthy came in, and the session started. Leanne stayed sitting next to me, holding my hand the entire time.

“Hello everyone,” Dorthy said. “Let’s get started.”

Everyone went around the circle and talked about their weeks, like we had in the last session. We each put our input into the situations, along with Dorthy. In no time, it was my turn.

My heart lurched.

“Hey, well, my week was fine. Ophelia asked me if I could be her girlfriend.”

Everyone went silent for a moment, my ears continued to ring again as everyone looked at each other, but then the room exploded with happy, sincere, congratulations.

“Thank you,” I said mournfully. “I miss her.”

“We all do; you’re not alone,” Sarah said.

“How’s the baby?” I questioned. Everyone seemed shocked by the quick change in subject. Even Dorthy noticed, but she allowed the conversation to go on.

“She’s good, healthy.” She rubbed her huge belly. “I’m so excited to meet her. I can’t wait.” She smiled.

“That’s great, but we are going to shift back to Violet for a moment,” Dorthy said, changing the subject. “I suggest not to date within groups. It’s not against policy, but it is highly frowned upon. But besides that, how are you doing, like, really doing?” Her brown eyes were piercing my soul.

“I’m…” I paused for a moment. “I don’t know.

” I put my head into my hands. “My father doesn’t agree with me dating a female, then she gets sent across the world.

Then, I feel like I’m intruding here. I know I’m not, but it still feels like it.

I also feel like I don’t deserve this. Someone else who has a serious issue, a bigger issue—someone else deserves this spot more than me,” I said in one breath.

“Dear,” Dorthy said, “you deserve this spot as much as the next person. Don’t let your brain tell you otherwise.

I would like you to start meditating on your thoughts and why you think them; even if it’s just five minutes a week, I would love for you to do that.

I could write down some video channels that are fit for beginners. ”

I nodded, and she smiled.

“That was very brave of you,” Leanne whispered in my ear.

“Thank you.”

It was hard to admit that I had self-loving issues. It was hard to admit that I had any issues because someone else had it worse, and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I’d always been the perfect girl. I didn’t want to change that.

But I guess that changed today.

I wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t useless. Just because someone else has issues doesn’t mean that my issues are any less traumatic. I am who I am, and I need to be proud of that.

I couldn’t do that alone… I needed someone by my side. I needed Leanne, Sarah, and Ophelia by my side. But most importantly, I needed me by my side.