Page 13

Chapter 13

Ford

The icy pinpricks of snow melt instantly against my fevered cheeks.

I don’t know why I let that name slip. The last thing April needs is me to weigh her down with my own problems.

“Ford?” She sounds like she’s talking underwater.

My head is spinning. Sarah loved that horse more than anything. She’d spend hours in the barn with her, brushing and crooning over her.

It’s how I knew she’d have been a good mom.

She just never got the chance.

“Ford? Are you okay?” April’s hand lands lightly on my shoulder.

Shit, I didn’t mean to ignore her.

“Yea. We should head back, the wind is picking up.” With shuffling steps to clear the path, I lead her back to the cabin before it’s blowing so hard we can’t see.

The heat of the cabin hits me like a wall when I fling the door open. It’s a welcome relief from the blustery bite of the renewed storm.

“Brr! It got shitty fast!” She wraps her arms around her chest, rubbing her sides as she huddles next to the woodstove.

I nearly forgot she’s wearing only a sweatshirt for a coat. “Get that soaked layer off, I’ll grab you a dry one.” I hang my own up, then dig a fresh change out of my dresser.

Her teeth chatter while she tugs the wet hoodie over her short blond hair, making it spike in odd angles behind her ears. “I’m using up all your clothes.” She smiles pulling on the oversized shirt. “Pretty soon you’ll be all out and we’ll both be naked.” She giggles, then stops. Her brown eyes widen and she covers her mouth. “Sorry.”

Her grin is infectious. “Only if that happens before the snow stops. I have one of those old fashioned wringers outside for laundry.” I squat down in front of the fireplace and try to resurrect the ashes.

She moves closer, holding her pale fingers towards the heat, brushing my side lightly with her hip.

When I finish and back away, she swivels to face me, but keeps her thighs pressed against the stove.

Her lips flatten to a serious expression. “So, are you going to tell me about Sarah?”

A wave of nausea barrels through me. “No.” I busy myself with filling the pot with some of the water I brought in.

“Was she important to you?”

“Yea.” I manage to croak past the growing lump in my throat.

She chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Do you ever talk about her?”

I shake my head, turning away. I need a damn distraction.

Lifting the mattress, I start pulling out the tote with the MRE multi-packs. “Hungry?”

“Sure. We can talk over dinner.” Her arm snakes past me to grab one of the bottles of whiskey. “I bet this will get you to spill.”

“It’s none of your business,” I snap.

Fuck. That wasn’t necessary.

She’s done nothing wrong.

“Who am I gonna tell, Ford? I’ve had the shittiest week ever, and would really like to find any kind of distraction from thinking about it.” She twists the cap off and tilts the amber liquor up in a long draw.

With a gasp, she grimaces and blinks rapidly. “Shit, that’s potent.” She pushes the Jack towards me. “Drink.”

“Are you even old enough to do that?” I ask with a smirk, but I take a long swig myself.

Fire races through my guts, warming me and settling the irritation that was tinging my thoughts.

“Funny.” Her eyes narrow with a spark in them. “This from the guy old enough to be a grandpa?” Her lips turn up as she reaches for another drink.

“Ouch. That was cold, frosty. Are you always this mean?” I let the bed fall after I’ve pulled two packets of chicken alfredo out of the box. “I ain’t that old, just broke forty-one.”

“Ah.” She rakes her gaze up and down me like she’s seeing me for the first time. “Tell me about your girl.” Her tone levels, then she tilts the bottle again.

My head buzzes when she hands it to me.

Do I really want to open that fucking can of worms?

“Did you love her?” April blinks, her forehead furrowing as she settles onto the blanket.

That demands another shot.

Or four.

I’m almost numb to the familiar burn of the alcohol now.

“Yea, I did.” I still do. And it hurts like hell. “You ever fallen for someone?” I don’t know how long I’ll handle talking about this.

Everytime I let the memories sneak up, it’s like fighting back a dragon, a raging bull that’s intent on bringing me to my knees.

One of these times, I worry it might just destroy me.

Her spiky hair waves around her head. “Nope. I mean, I dated a few guys. Glad I wasn’t a virgin when…well…” She drifts off and her gaze takes on a faraway look until she jerks back. “I mean, at least I know sex can be fun. Sometimes.” Her nose wrinkles and she takes another swig.

When she lowers the bottle, she lets it sit in the hollow made by her crossed legs.

An image of her spread on her back, her head thrown back in a cry of passion flashes through me.

My cock twitches.

Jesus. No. Just. Fucking. No.

Ripping the silver pouches of food open, I pour the boiling water in and set them on the tiny counter to steep.

“How did she die?” April’s voice breaks my concentration.

I almost spill the kettle trying to put it back.

“That’s a long ass story,” I grumble. One I have zero interest in sharing.

She pulls the whiskey up, squinting at the half that remains. “I’d say we have a while. And several more bottles if that’s what it takes.”

Slumping onto the stool, I let my palm fall across my face as I contemplate walking out into the blizzard so I can avoid these questions.

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” I hold out my hand and gesture for the bottle.

I’m just about resigned to my fate, and I don’t know how I feel about it.

“Do it anyway. I want to know just how broken I need to be so I have a good excuse to run off into the woods.” Her jaw clenches.

There’s no humor in her words.

“You really are something,” I grumble, then take another swallow of the fire water.

I wasn’t planning on getting hammered, but she’s pushing me to it.

“My bullshit tolerance has been drastically lowered in the last week.” She gives me a wry smile as she stands.

Plucking the food off the bench, she digs out a fork for each of us, then plops the hot pouch on my lap.

When she folds her legs back under her, the weight of her amber eyes sits heavy on me. “So, how long were you together?” Steam billows from the silver bag before she stabs into it to pull out some of the saucy noodles.

“Three years.” And each one of them was a rollercoaster.

Sarah and I were like fire and water, but the way we collided…we made a potent concoction.

“Whew. That’s a long time. Were you happy?” April slurps another bite, then hiccups. “I think I better have water next.” Her words are dragging as she tries to form them.

She can’t be more than a buck twenty. There’s no way she can handle a lot of booze.

Especially after starving for a few days.

Almost out of guilt, I continue.

“We were…mostly.” I take a long shuddering breath and pause to eat.

I’m not sure how to frame the rest.

No matter how I put it, I know I’m the one in the wrong.

“We’d argue…a lot I suppose. Well, we had a big one before, um, that night.” Damn, I’m tempted to drain the whole bottle of Jack.

April stops what she’s doing to focus on me. “It’s okay, Ford. No one is perfect.” She leans back, bracing herself on her hands. “What were you arguing about?”

“Hell, I barely remember. She was pushing for more. Wanted me to quit the ranch and work for her father as a mechanic. I think I know why in hindsight, but at the time I hated the idea.” I let my eyes close to gather my thoughts.

The alcohol is doing me no favors. I keep jumping to the moment Sarah stopped moving in my arms.

“Do you want to be a mechanic now?” April’s head tilts and one pale eyebrow lifts.

“Fuck no. But I get it. I have to be out on range sometimes for days depending on what we’re doing. She had a hard time dealing with that.” Crumpling the empty food container, I toss it in a low arc towards the garbage.

It misses and lands on the floor near Roscoe.

He gives it a sniff, then looks up at me.

“Leave it,” I growl half-heartedly.

With a little huff, he drops his nose back onto his paws.

“I’m confused.” April pokes at the remaining alfredo. “She wanted you home more, and you got mad?” She squints and shovels the last of it into her mouth.

“It’s more complicated than that. But, yea. I sound like the jerk. Well, because I am the asshole. I volunteered for those gigs away from the house. I met her right about when Mason lost his wife. So there was this part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because he wasn’t. So I made sure to be out with him whenever he needed my help.” I hate this so much.

“Oh. See—” April points at me with her fork. “—that makes more sense. She was making you choose between him and her?”

“Fuck, it was starting to seem like it. She hated being at the ranch full time. I think she wanted us to move closer to her folks in town.” My mouth twists. “I wish we coulda just talked about it like civilized adults. But the whole thing blew up one night when she wanted to go out, and I had to take a load of calves to Missoula to get treated for scours.” I regret the words I said in anger that night.

I have dwelled over every single damn syllable since then.

“She told me to stay, let someone else go, or she was leaving. But Mason’s kids were barely teenagers. Fourteen or fifteen. None of the other hands could be trusted with the task.” A sour taste fills my mouth and I have the urge to spit on the floor.

Instead I reach for the whiskey and take another swallow. “I didn’t think about the fact I couldn’t trust them with her, either.”

April’s chin slips down and her lips form a perfect “O”. “Ford, what did they do?” she whispers.

“It wasn’t all of ‘em. Just that piece of shit, Sean.” I blame him for the rest.

And myself.

I lean forward so my elbows rest on my knees as the fire of regret burns in my chest. “I turned off my phone and went to the bar. I was intent on finding someone who didn’t give a flying fuck about even knowing my name.” I study April’s face, waiting for the moment when she realizes I’m the monster in this story.

“Did you?” Her gaze is just as piercing.

“Hell no. I finally felt guilty for even looking, and turned my cell back on.” I’ll never forget that moment when the texts started flooding in.

The liquor boils in my stomach with the memories.

Jumping off the stool, I run to the door and fling it open to the storm, letting the wind bury the contents of my guts when I heave the Jack Daniels and the pasta into the snowbank.

I stay out there long enough that the chill eats into me and my toes begin to go numb.

The tears on my cheeks have to be from vomiting. Brushing them away, new ones take their place leaving icy paths down into my whiskers.

Why does it still have to hurt so damn bad?

Will the ache in my chest ever stop?

Moving into the heat of the cabin, I busy myself with putting another log in the stove. It doesn’t really need it, but I do.

“Ford? What happened?”

I can’t look at her. My eyes sting staring at the flames.

It has to be the fire making them water.

“She couldn’t get a hold of me. So she asked Sean to help her load her car. That asshole pushed her to drink, then brought her to the bar.” My fist clenches and I turn my knuckles to glare at the jack-o-lantern tattoo.

Never forget.

“He left her there, drunk as fuck. Val tried to call me like twenty times to come and get Sarah.” I might get sick again, knowing Val watched her best friend crying over me.

April doesn’t speak. She just watches me.

I bet with pity.

Taking a deep breath doesn’t make this easier. “I got there after she left. Chris, who I thought was a friend, offered her a ride.” He stabbed me in the back, so I returned the favor only a few weeks later.

Black Gulch is full of skeletons.

“He didn’t though, did he?” She doesn’t really say it as a question.

It’s like she knows already.

I shake my head. “I was heading back to the truck when I heard them laughing.”

Their cackles are forever seared in my brain.

April’s fingers fly up over her mouth as her face pales. “Oh no.”

Helplessness overtakes my limbs, just as it did that night.

“Chris had a distinctive giggle. I remember stopping because I didn’t think I had actually heard right. But then there was the crying…” I stare at my palms that were once covered in Sarah’s blood.

“Seven of them,” I choke. “Behind a fucking dumpster.”

The tears fall.

I’ve given up on trying to stop them.

Holding up my hand, I flash her the orange tattoo that sits as a constant reminder. “Halloween night. So most of them were dressed up. It wasn’t until they did an autopsy were they able to catch a couple of them with the DNA. Also found out she had been pregnant.”

April rocks herself until she jumps up and flings her arms around my neck. Her damp cheek presses against mine as she hugs me tightly.

I feel so damn exhausted reliving it, I just let her hold me.

“Thank you for sharing,” she whispers, then lets me go.

Using the heel of her palm, she wipes her eyes before picking up the bottle of whiskey. Steadying herself with the wall, she turns. “Can we put this thing away? We’ll save it for the next time we need to talk.”

I lift the mattress so she can tuck the liquor back underneath.

After it drops in place, she stops me from stepping away with a hand on my wrist.

“Ford, you aren’t the bad guy. Those fucking assholes are.” Her lower lip quivers before she pulls it between the whites of her teeth. “There’s too many of them.”

“Well—” I put my palm over hers. “—at least I can say there’s four less of them. And Sean’s gone too.”

I wish I could take the credit for that one, but I did get to witness it.

Her jaw tightens and a resolute smile pulls up the corner of her mouth. “Good. I hope they rot in hell.”