Page 36 of Ruin

“What do you feel?” I ask slowly, my voice almost a whisper.

“An irrevocable limerance. A psychogenic fixation I can’t shake.” His chest heaves, jaw clenched. “It’s all-consuming, Gi. I can’t stop it.”

I sigh. “Tommy, stop being a fucking genius for a minute, and just be here with me.”

He bites in a breath and lets it out slowly, thinking. Then, looking down at my arm, he drags the back of his hand slowly across my forearm. Goosebumps erupt all over my body and I shiver. He nods.

“That. That’s what I feel whenever I look at you. Whenever I think about you. And I can’t stop thinking about you, Gi. It’s… It’s…”

“Overwhelming. Terrifying. Familiar. Perfect.” I focus on where we’re touching in order to avoid his penetrating gaze.

He shakes his head. “But if you just want to fuck me, you don’t feel what I feel. For me, this feeling is not just fucking you. It’s fuckingonlyyou, forever.”

I bristle and step back. “This is starting to feel like emotional blackmail, Tommy. You can’t force me to do something I’m not ready for. Normal people like each other, hook up, fuck for awhile, then decide if they want a commitment.”

He is crestfallen. “I’m not normal, Gi.”

I inhale hard. “No one is. Everyone is fucked up. But people communicate and compromise and find a way to blend their idiosyncrasies, not just once, but over and over, every day.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” There’s an edge to his voice,a brokenness. “Tell me how.”

Fuck, he’s killing me. But if I’m honest, I’m not completely sure what he’s asking for. Aren’t we already best friends? Adding sex doesn’t change that, does it?

Does he want a relationship like my parents have, where he disappears for weeks at a time and she pretends she doesn’t care he’s living his life without her?

“Can’t we just find out what this is? Take a step forward, but not necessarily with a destination. You may think you know what you want with me, but you really don’t. Can we find out what this is between us organically? Without expectation?”

His eyes darken and his gaze becomes more piercing, like he’s rearranging the puzzle pieces in his brain at hyperspeed. “I know myself, Gi. I know what I want. But this is something you need? More physical intimacy, to see if you want to be with me?”

“That’s a weird way to say that I want to let things unfold naturally before we start talking about forever, Tommy.”

Tommy leans down and nuzzles my hair, breathing deeply. With his mouth next to my ear, his voice low, he says, “Then let’s do an empirical assessment. Let me give you a taste of what it would be like if you were mine.”

“A taste?”

“Take off your panties.”

“Tommy, I’m not losing my virginity in a public bathroom!”

Tommy tsks, pulling back just enough to look at me, his eyes glinting with dark amusement. “See, now, if you were mine, you’d lose your virginity wherever I fucking decided. But in this case, we’re just gathering more data: I said you’d get a taste of what it’s like to be mine. Making that sweetpussy bleed for me is more than a taste.”

Shock bolts through me straight to my pussy, giving her a heartbeat. The mouth on this man. “Tommy….”

He grips my hips, sliding his palms down, lifting my dress up over my ass. “Take off your panties.”

If I do what he says, things are going to change between us. He could shatter me. Or I could destroy him. Either way, our friendship is fucked.

I take a deep breath. Fuck it.

Not taking my eyes off him, I tug my panties down and let them drop to the floor then pick them up, balling them in my fist.

“Give them to me.”

Humiliation burns my cheeks as I hand him my soaked panties. Locking his gaze on mine, he brings them slowly to his face and inhales deeply.

Oh sweet Jesus. This is so feral, so raw, so far beyond anything I ever imagined, well beyond anything my girlfriends ever gossiped about happening in their own sex lives.

“Fuuucckkk. So wet,” he murmurs. He closes his eyes and sucks the fabric into his mouth, a guttural sound in his throat.