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CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

BIG MOVE

ELLE

Then

I’d felt like a shell of a person since finding out Rhodes was having a baby. I couldn't even begin to describe the pain I’d felt when he told me he was having a baby with someone else. It was crazy. I had never had any realistic hope that I would have a child with him one day. I mean, he had never given me reason to, but in my heart of hearts, it was what I wanted more than anything.

I had no right to feel any of this, and since I was with Bernard, it really felt wrong that I grieved the news like someone had died.

I was trying so hard to move on from these feelings.

My parents were happier than they'd ever been because Bernard was exactly the kind of man they wanted me to be with. But Bernard had his cracks too.

It was like an extension of how I felt growing up with my parents trying to keep me in line and squashed in a box. And now that I was living back at home, I’d regressed. Bernard underscored everything my parents believed.

He wanted me to dress conservatively. If something was too short, he asked me to change. If I had alcohol, he had something to say about it. Going out dancing was out of the question. But mostly, it was the condescending way he spoke to me. I had tried to break up with him once and he got my parents to talk me into giving him another chance. I should’ve ended it then, but there were good things about him too. He wanted to help me move out of my parents' house for one, and I was desperate to do so. He’d come up with a plan where I would be able to soon. Unfortunately, it tied me to him more than I wanted since I had trusted him with my finances.

I had a job at the chiropractor's office, a job I absolutely loved. The people were great. It was fast-paced and fun. Then I came home and wrote every night. I started a story about how things could have been if Rhodes and I had ended up together. It was my escape.

When the baby came, Rhodes called to let me know.

I was genuinely excited when he told me he had a son named Levi. We had talked about that name before, how much we loved it, and knowing that he had, in a way, honored my feelings about the name, was special to me.

“I’m so happy for you,” I told him, and I meant it.

“I have news. It's big,” he said.

“More news besides a son?” I laughed.

“I took a job with the Mustangs.”

I gasped. “No way.” My heart started pounding. “You're moving to Denver?”

“Actually, I thought I’d move to Silver Hills. It's beautiful there. I love that it's a small town. I'd like to raise Levi in a place like that. And the best part about it is that you’re there. I’ve talked Carrie into it. What do you think?”

The thought of having to regularly see the woman he had a baby with felt almost unbearable. But I wanted my best friend nearby.

“I’m going to buy a place for Carrie close by,” he said.

I sat down. “So you're not going to live together?” I asked.

“No,” he laughed, “that would never work.”

I sagged with relief.

“Oh, okay. Well, that's incredible, Rhodes. I can't believe we're going to live in the same place again. I'm so excited.” I knew he could hear it in my voice now, how much I felt those words. “Knowing I'll get to be part of Levi's life is the best news you could ever give me,” I said.

“Thanks, Elle love. It means so much to me that you want to be part of his life. He's perfect, baby. He's perfect .”

“I bet he is. How soon can I meet him?”

I hadn’t wanted to take Bernard with me when I met Levi for the first time, but he insisted on it. He wanted to meet the best friend I talked about all the time. He tried to act like he wasn’t jealous, but he so was.

“So, he’s always been out with a different girl every night but got a girl pregnant…and you expect me to believe nothing has ever happened between the two of you?” he asked on the ride to Rhodes’ house.

I’d told Bernard that Rhodes was living the single life. I’d caught him reading things about Rhodes that had also probably shaped what he thought of him.

“Don’t believe everything you read about Rhodes. He’s very respectful of women and of me,” I said.

“Right,” Bernard said, laughing under his breath.

“Should we talk about what came up on your desktop after you’d been using it the other night?” I turned to look at him. I’d gone to his house for dinner and he’d left to pick up food.

His cheeks darkened. “Elle?—”

“I wasn’t checking up on you. I was looking for that address you wanted when I couldn’t find my phone. But after I saw the porn, I did do a little history search and…wow. Things make a lot of sense after seeing how much you visit those sites.”

It was quiet for a second and I sighed.

“It probably wouldn’t bother me that you’re into porn if we had a normal sex life?—”

“I do that so we don’t have sex,” he said.

“But we’ve had sex before…just hardly ever,” I argued.

“And I felt awful about it. It’s not right. We should be married before we’re doing that and I just…I?—”

“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about this right now,” I said.

We pulled up to Rhodes’ gate and were waved through after we gave our names. Rhodes had flown in to go house hunting and I’d helped him pick out this house, so I wasn’t surprised when I saw how impressive it was. But Bernard had something to say about that too.

“Looks like he’s trying to overcompensate for something,” he said.

“Rhodes doesn’t need to overcompensate for anything. He’s the real deal and he can afford a big house, so how about we don’t judge him for that too?”

Rhodes opened the door with the baby and besides seeing how tired Rhodes looked, that perfect bundle of heaven with light brown skin and the sweetest full cheeks asleep in his arms was all I saw. Rhodes handed him to me.

“Here he is. Can you believe him?” he asked.

“Rhodes, he is perfection.” I sighed.

He was only a month old, but he already looked bigger than he had in our video chats. He felt so good in my arms, and he smelled divine.

“I need to feed him,” a nasal voice said.

Rhodes shot me an apologetic expression. “Carrie stopped by to bring over some breastmilk.”

“Well, since I’m here, I’ll just feed him myself and save the rest,” Carrie said, holding out her hands for the baby.

She was gorgeous with her long blonde hair and pale skin with a dusting of freckles. The freckles gave her a friendly, soft look, but the way she assessed me left me cold. This wouldn’t go well. Her lips curled slightly and I handed Levi to her.

“This really isn’t a good time,” she said.

“Carrie, I invited Elle here. And next time, call me before you decide to drop by,” he told her.

I felt a zing of victory that he was defending me, but it disappeared in the next second because she whipped out her boob and fed Levi right there without trying to cover anything in the slightest.

I loved that women could feed their babies this way and I didn’t have any hang-ups about showing skin when they did so, but I knew from the way she went about it that Carrie would literally be milking this situation.

Bernard stared at her until Rhodes cleared his throat and held out his hand.

“I’m Rhodes. You must be Bernard.”

“Who else would I be?” Bernard said. He laughed, but Rhodes and I just looked at him. “Congratulations. It must be crazy, having a baby. Seems hard to pull off with your career and all.”

“My mom will be here for a while, and we’ll have a lot of help.” He looked at me. “She wants to see you, by the way.”

“I can’t wait to see her.”

“Rhodes, I need a burp cloth,” Carrie said.

The diaper bag was within reach of Carrie, with a burp cloth draped over the top, but Rhodes walked across the room and handed it to her. She smiled up at him and it made my stomach curl over and die.

We had the world’s most awkward lunch. Rhodes kept trying to talk to me and Carrie kept interrupting.

“Sometimes he smiles when he’s sleeping. You’ll see it, I’m?—”

“Oh my God,” Carrie said loudly. “My boobs are crazy hard right now. Oh shit. The milk just dropped again. I swear, I feel like a milk cow. When it first came in, it was intense, right?” She put her hand on Rhodes’ hand and he pulled it away. “I sprayed milk all over Rhodes.”

Bernard froze and looked shocked.

Rhodes laughed sheepishly. “That’s true,” he said .

My form of hell.

I spent a couple of hours there, despite being on the verge of tears the entire time.

“Can we go soon?” Bernard whispered.

I wanted to tell him he could go anytime, I hadn’t invited him in the first place, but I didn’t.

As Rhodes was telling me bye, he leaned in to whisper, “I’ll make sure she’s not here next time. Please come back. Tonight, tomorrow…all the time. Leave the dud at home.”

I laughed in spite of myself.

“What’s so funny?” Bernard asked.

“I told her to come back…all the time,” Rhodes said.

“Well, she does have a life, you know.”

“I know,” Rhodes said softly.

“And my life includes you and Levi,” I told Rhodes.

He smiled. “I know that too.”

He reached out and took my hand. I felt the tension bouncing off of Bernard, but I didn’t care. He needed to get used to the way Rhodes and I were with each other.

“Carrie picked her brother to be Levi’s godfather, and I’d like you to be his godmother,” he said.

The tears I’d been holding back started trickling down my cheeks.

“I’d be honored to be Levi’s godmother,” I said quietly. And then I frowned. “Is Carrie okay with that?”

“She’ll have to be,” he said.