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CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

CONFESSIONAL BOOTH

RHODES

Then

I wasn’t proud of the man I’d been since the night Elle told me she was, in fact, dating Bernard. I'd seen it coming that weekend in California and could hardly get past it while we were together, already dreading what felt like an oncoming train barreling into me. I’d had a sick feeling that once she moved to Silver Hills, which she did not long after our visit, she'd be sucked into the life her parents wanted for her. One that I had always felt was way too controlling.

And that was exactly what happened.

She probably wouldn’t like that I thought that, but it was true.

Elle had so much to be proud of, yet she bent to the way her parents wanted her to live her life far too often. They weren’t bad people. They loved their daughter, but they also wanted her to fit in the little box they’d orchestrated. Anytime she did her own thing, she lit up from the inside out, and I wished they knew that side of her like I did.

I hated that something or someone always got in the way of telling her how I felt, or maybe it was just myself getting in the way. I didn't know anymore. I hadn’t wanted to be one more person trying to lead her life the way I wanted it to go, I wanted her to want me . And I only kept losing her.

I’d drowned in alcohol and tried to escape in any way possible. None of it worked. It had been months now and she was still with him. It was probably time that I accepted that, but my heart didn't want to.

And now I was completely and utterly fucked.

There'd been this woman, Carrie, who had been on me for months. I'd ignored her mostly. She was beautiful, yeah, but there was something about her that put me off. The women I met usually didn’t want anything but a good time. It was simple—nothing more, nothing expected. But Carrie, I just didn't trust her. I didn't know why. Maybe because she turned up after every damn game. My teammates and I switched between several bars in town to avoid the jersey chasers, and Carrie always found us. She even showed up at the away games. I'd been drinking too much one night and she cornered me, and I ended up in a hotel room with her.

I'm pretty sure I cried about Elle and then pretended like it was her giving me a blow job.

Definitely a low point.

She had the condoms and when I woke up a couple hours later with her on top of me, I had sex with her.

I could own my weak-ass self, but fuck me, it didn’t mean I was proud of it.

I couldn't believe my life was about to change forever.

I pulled into Elle's parents’ driveway and sat there for a moment, hands shaking. I felt sick, literally sick.

When Carrie had told me the news, I’d thrown up and then felt ashamed and hoped it never came out in the future that I’d reacted that way.

I got out of the car and went to the door, praying I wouldn't have to see Elle's parents, not today. I didn't think I could stand to see them right now.

I rang the doorbell and Elle's dad answered the door.

“Hey, Rhodes, how are you doing?” He shook my hand and pounded my shoulder.

“Doing all right,” I said, trying to force inflection into my tone.

I sounded like a liar.

“Great game last week. You killed it.”

“Thanks.” I smiled politely.

“Any thoughts about next season?” he asked. “I’ve been hearing lots of rumors with your contract winding up.”

“I’m giving it lots of thought,” I said.

At least that wasn’t a lie. There were several offers on the table, and I wanted to make the best decision, especially now.

I heard Elle coming down the stairs and looked up, my insides sailing sideways the way they did every time I saw her, especially when it had been a long time. She grinned at me and then it faltered somewhat. I tried to wipe my expression clear of any sadness. She came over and hugged me hard.

“Hey, it's so good to see you,” she said. “I was so excited when you said you were coming through. Come on back.”

“Uh, I was wondering if maybe we could go out for a little bit,” I said. “It's such a pretty day.”

“That sounds good. Let me get my purse.” She turned and grabbed her purse off of the hook nearby.

I said bye to her dad and we walked to the car. Elle chatted about the movie we’d both talked about seeing the week before—she’d seen it and I hadn’t. I drove us to the park.

“You're awfully quiet,” she said.

I parked the car in front of a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains. There was a path here that we hiked whenever I came to visit.

“Sorry.” I turned and looked at her. “I’m so glad to see you,” I said.

But just looking at her sweet face, my own started to crumble.

“Rhodes,” she said, concerned. “What's wrong?” She took my hand.

“Elle,” my voice cracked, “I’ve really fucked up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't even know how to say this. I’ve wrecked everything. Everything . This is not how I saw my life going.” Tears ran down my cheeks and she put her hand on my face.

“Talk to me,” she said. “Please. Tell me what's happened. ”

Her eyes had filled with tears just seeing me cry and the crease between her brows deepened.

“I got a girl pregnant,” I said.

It felt like an ax split into the car.

Her face fell and her hand dropped from my face. My life felt fucking over.

She leaned back in her seat and turned to stare straight ahead. When I looked over, I saw the tears falling from her face and I’d never felt so helpless. She lifted her hand up to her mouth, and her hand shook.

“Elle,” I whispered, reaching over to touch her shoulder, but before I could, she lifted her hand.

“Just give me a minute,” she said.

“Please, look at me.”

I needed her to look me in the face and tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted her to tell me it didn't mean the end of us or the hope of maybe one day being more, but I knew that time had already passed. I’d demolished any future for us. She put her head in her hands and I heard her take a deep breath, but I knew she was also crying.

“Elle,” I whispered again.

She turned and hugged me, and I could feel her trembling in my arms.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“Why are you sorry?” Her voice sounded small.

“Because I’ve ruined everything.”

She leaned back and wiped her face and I wiped mine, reaching for a tissue to wipe my nose too.

“You haven’t ruined everything. Lots of professional football players are dads and keep their careers too. And you’re gonna be an amazing dad, Rhodes. That child will be so lucky to be loved by you. ”

My career was the last thing I was thinking about right now. My face crumbled again and I lost it.

We sat there and clung to each other in the car until the sun disappeared. Neither of us ever even suggested stepping outside. The car was our confessional booth.

“Do you like this girl?” she eventually asked.

I frowned. “No, I really don’t. Not the way I should like the mother of my child.”

“You don’t?” The shock was clear in her voice. “Shit, Rhodes.”

“I know. I used a condom too. I’ve never not used one. And not that it means anything now, but I avoided this woman for months. She’s just always around.” I made a face. “And not in a good way. She—” I shuddered. “I’d had too much to drink, but I still knew better. I was in a self-destructive state of mind.”

“You were? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me you were going through a hard time?”

“I—” I swiped my hand down my face and shook my head. “Anything I say sounds like excuses and I’m one hundred percent responsible for this mess. I’m going to try to get along with Carrie…that’s her name. I don’t really know her. Maybe she’s better than I think. Either way, it doesn’t matter. We’re having a baby and we’ll have to find a way to get along.”

“Do you think you’ll be with her? There must be something about her you liked for you to sleep with her.”

I turned to look at her and the light from the streetlamp beaming through the windows cast shadows on her, but her face was bright enough to see clearly.

“I don’t think sex means the same thing to me that it means to you, Elle. I love sex and I respect the women I’m with, but I don’t sleep with someone if it seems like they’ll get attached, because I know my heart’s not going to. It’s a physical release. So no, I can’t imagine being with Carrie, but I probably need to consider it just because we’re having a baby together. I’ve always wanted a child, but this isn’t how I envisioned it.”

She nodded. “I think you should consider it, and also, you should take a paternity test.”

I exhaled. “You’re right.”

She cleared her throat and looked away from me, out the window. “You’ve said that about the people you’re with before. I think you assume my views on sex are more wholesome than yours. In a way, what I do seems worse. Because I try to get attached and when I don’t, whether I sleep with the guy or not, I end up hurting him anyway by not feeling it.”

“We’re a mess,” I said.

“Yep.”

“But you like this Bernard guy?” I couldn’t help myself, I needed to know.

“He tries really hard,” she said. “I do like him. He’s smart and works hard. He’s helped me a lot with figuring out my finances. I accrued some debt when I was in Denver and I’m getting on my feet now, thanks to him…and my parents for letting me move back in for a while.”

“Bernard sounds like a heap of fun.”

Her lips lifted slightly. “He’s a little more uptight than you, yeah, but he’s fun too. He tries really hard,” she said again. “And the best part is that he’s crazy about me.”

“Everyone’s crazy about you, Elle. It’s if you’re crazy about him that matters.”

She looked at me and her eyes were distant. “It’s possible I’m broken in that area. ”

I wanted to ask what she meant, but she shivered and I turned on the car.

“I’m terrible. I haven’t even fed you. Let’s get some food in you,” I said.

“Why don’t we just grab something quick at Starlight Cafe? It’s getting late.”

“Are you sure? I have time for somewhere like Rose & Thorn before I have to get to the airport.”

I’d come to Silver Hills for one reason only, to tell Elle about the baby in person. She thought I just had an extra-long layover between flights.

“I’m sure. You should start heading to Denver before the traffic picks up.”

“Trying to get rid of me already,” I tried to tease, but it just sounded sad.

“Never.”

We stopped at Starlight Cafe and got a booth in the back. Fortunately, it was a slower night than the other times we’d come here. We were quiet as we ate. Her eyes were puffy and every time I looked at her, my heart broke a little more.

When I took her home and walked her to the front step, I hugged her hard. We both had tears in our eyes as we pulled apart.

“Promise me something?” she said softly.

“Anything.”

“Whatever happens with Carrie, let me be part of your life with the baby. I know everything is about to change forever, but I’m still your best friend and I want to help. Don’t shut me out, please. It would break my heart too much.”

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Don’t you know by now that I can’t live without you? I want you there by me every step of the way for the rest of our lives.”

She nodded. “I want that too, Rhodes.” A tear slipped down her cheek and I caught it with my thumb.

I nodded, the emotion so tight in my throat, I was unable to speak.

She touched my hand on her face and then turned and walked inside.

I cried like a baby on the drive to the airport and then put on my jock/devil-may-care persona, flew home, and tried to figure out what the fuck I was going to do.