Page 30 of Reaper

In the end, I had to stay in the hospital for a month. A month filled with a lot of surgeries and unbearable amounts of pain. God, the pain was so intense and many times it brought me to the brink, testing my limits.

Everyone warned me that my burns would get worse before they got better. But still, on the second day in the hospital when the nurse came in to change my bandages, I had cried so hard after finally seeing the extent of them and how bad they were.

Like the doctor had said, the worst of my burns are all on my left side, and surprisingly, only on the upper part of my body. They start a bit below my temple, go down and around a section of my cheek, as well as a bit on my ear. Then they go down the side of my neck and they flare out slightly at my shoulder and along my collarbone. The burns continue down the top and on both sides of my arm and end with a small patch on the top of my left hand. For some reason, the underside of my arm and mypalm was slightly better protected and wasn’t as badly burned as the top of my arm.

Thanks to the grafting procedures, my skin doesn’t look as bad as it did in the beginning, but there’s still a chance I’ll need more procedures done depending on how everything heals. While I’m hopeful no more surgeries are needed, I also know it’ll take months, maybe even years, for my skin and nerves to heal. If my nerves heal, that is. Even though I hate them, wearing the compression garments have helped.

As for the first and second-degree burns on my legs and other areas of my body, they weren’t severe enough to require skin grafting. The doctors think that they will heal well enough on their own. I pray that they’re right.

While my nerves were heavily damaged in the areas where I got third-degree burns, there are only a few spots where the nerves were completely destroyed. I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was, well am, that they weren’t totally damaged. I had sobbed in Ma and Granny’s arms after finding that out.

Throughout all of that, my life felt like it had become a roller coaster, never leveling out for too long and riddled with setbacks after thinking I was making progress. Doctor after doctor after doctor would visit frequently to discuss my progress and setbacks. With all the information that was given to me, my brain felt like it was going in circles as I tried to keep it all straight. Thank God Ma was beside me through it all. She kept a binder and put all the procedure handouts and reports I was given in it. She also kept copious amounts of notes—something I was extremely grateful for on the days when the pain wouldn’t let me focus on what the doctors were saying. Another thing I started doing last week is daily exercises to relearn how to do things and rebuild my strength. I’ll see a physical therapist twice a week for a while and then the visits will level off. I don’t knowhow long I’ll need to see the physical therapist, but time will tell on that.

I’m just thankful that my burns weren’t worse, because they could have been.

So much worse.

Or I could have died if we had been in there for much longer.

Since that day, I’ve often wondered why my burns weren’t worse, and the only thing I can think of is that it was because of how the firefighter and his gear were draped over me, protecting me as well as him. I heard the firefighter wasn’t burned, but he did have to wear oxygen for a while after being released from the hospital to help his lungs clear out the smoke. Apparently when we fell, his mask was knocked loose a bit, so he also inhaled a lot of smoke. Ma said that she heard he is still suffering from temporary hearing loss, but the doctors are hopeful that he’ll regain it. She knows who he is, but so far, I haven’t had the courage to ask his name. Thankfully, Ma hasn’t let it slip because I’m not sure if I’m ready, mentally or emotionally, to know that just yet.

I shake my head, trying to shove those thoughts down and lock them away into a box to continue processing later when I’m alone, otherwise I’ll spiral if I continue to think about all that.

Especially about the firefighter and his identity.

But right now, I don’t have time to spiral because we are on our way to see our house. With my emotions already so close to the surface, I don’t need those thoughts pushing me over the edge. However, I’m almost positive I’ll be crying at some point today. Okay, IknowI will, I just don’t know how much I’ll be crying.

Ma and Granny have been out to see the house a few times since the fire, but this is my first time seeing it in person, though I have seen pictures that Ma’s shown me.

Today is also the day that we’ve been cleared to go in and retrieve any belongings that survived. We had to wait because there was a lengthy investigation. So far, everyone is suspecting it was arson. Of course, the fire department will be there today as a precaution and to keep us from going into unstable areas. Unfortunately, no one has seen Void yet and I’ve been sick with worry that he was killed in the fire.

As Ma turns into our driveway, a strangled cry reaches my ears and it takes me a moment to realize that it came from me.

The damage issomuch worse in person.

I knew it would be, but didn’t think it’d be this bad.

Tears spring to my eyes and it’s not until a throat clears that I realize the car has come to a stop. Neither Ma or Granny are in the car anymore and someone has opened my door for me, offering their hand to help me out.

Taking the hand, I gingerly get out of the car. I’m still learning my limits, and am in the early stages of physical therapy, but at least I’m alive. Though there have been moments, usually when I was in unbearable amounts of pain that almost had me passing out, where I had secretly wished I hadn’t survived.

Then I would immediately feel guilty.

Ma and Granny would be devastated if I’d died, and even more so if I were to die by my own hand. Each time those dark moments creep up on me, I force myself to think of my family and then I grit my teeth and push through the pain.

Is it the healthiest way to deal with it?

Probably not. But for now, that’s what I’m going with.

Once I’m stable on my feet, I look up and immediately feel my face flush.

The man who helped me out of the car is none other than Reaper.

Since that day a few months ago in May when he stood up for me against the Coxes, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Reaper and therest of his club would frequently come into the supper club and usually, he and a few others would hang out on the stools Ma had installed in front of the bar and chat with me while I worked.

At first, I was nervous about how much they were hanging out with me, but as I got to know them all more, I started relaxing around them.

Especially with Reaper.