Page 44 of Purgatory (Devil Dogs of the Apocalypse #1)

Alessandra

The days come and go and, even after a week, I still haven’t been able to check in with Jax.

In fact, I’ve barely seen him, just his calling cards everywhere.

Each morning, I wake up to freshly baked something or other downstairs on the kitchen island.

I see new eggs on the counter from his time in the coop.

I see his boots by the door, still muddy from his morning rounds.

But I have yet to see him. Every night, our regular dinner time arrives and dinner is on the table waiting for us when we return home but Jax seems to take his portion, choosing to retire early to his room.

I asked Cole and Hawk if they’ve seen him and they both confirmed that they have, but I'll have to take their word for it.

Apparently, avoidance is the word for the week.

I guess it answers my question about if he’s ok with everything.

He’s not.

Cole, Hawk and I have continued with our rendezvous.

Sneaking little glances at each other as the days carry on.

Turning everyday chores into an erotic game of tag.

I’ll go off with one of them in the morning and then get passed off to the other in the afternoon.

Evenings are spent snuggling up together in my room either one on one or all together depending on the day and the level of exhaustion we exhibit.

Surprisingly, they haven’t had trouble sharing.

They each get their own personal time with me and seem to be ok with that.

As for me, I’m more than ok with it. If there’s one thing that should be on every woman’s bucket list, it’s to be worshiped like a goddess .

It’s a divine confidence booster. Even if I can’t figure out what is going on with Jax.

Even though his continued absence is creating a vortex in my heart, sucking away at my happiness.

I saw the looks he gave me when I first arrived.

The fire in his eyes as he looked up and down my body.

I know he’s attracted to me. And after all of our time together since then, it’s made it all the more obvious- I know he cares about me.

But I also know he has a lot of baggage to work through.

I guess I shouldn’t be greedy and want him too.

But I can’t help it. I can’t help the fireworks that explode in my chest every time I see him.

I couldn’t help it that night when he pinned me to the bed, how it made desire pool in between my legs and my heart tremble in excited anticipation.

How it still does as I remember that moment when I lie quietly alone in bed.

Which is where I am right now. In my bed, alone, with my dirty thoughts.

A dangerous combination if I do say so, myself.

Both of the guys were wrecked from their mutual day in the hot sun - weeding, moving debris and mending fences - so they opted to pass the evening resting and recuperating without the temptation of me there making them want to stay awake for other activities.

I miss them, now, realizing how big the bed is without their large bodies hogging most of it.

But, then again, there’s something to be said for having it to myself, as I currently starfish my body across it, grinning that I don’t have to deal with guy farts tonight.

The struggle is real, y’all!

My thoughts return to Jax. His story pulls at my heart and makes me wish I could just go to him and comfort him in any way he needs.

But he keeps me at arm's length most days. I can’t say it doesn’t bother me after all the time I've spent with them. The friend zone is not always the friendliest place for those occupying it, in my opinion. What can I say? I want him and can’t help that I do and regardless of what he says, I know he wants me to.

You would think that days filled with Cole and Hawk would placate me and keep my mind -let’s face it, and body- fully occupied but I guess I'm living up to my newly acquired ‘slut mode.’ But that’s ok.

I’ll be their dirty little slut and love every minute of it. I’d be Jax’s too, if only he’d let me.

“Emma!”

I lift my head from my pillow at sounds coming through the walls. I’m not entirely sure I heard correctly. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time my brain played tricks on me. Especially, in recent months. I wait, grating my ears for more.

“No... Don’t!”

I definitely heard that. It’s coming from Jax’s room. I lift the blankets and swing my legs out of bed. Quietly making my way over to the joining wall, my ear pressed to it.

Loud knocks echo through the wall. It sounds like he’s punching the headboard again.

What in the déjà vu?

I’m suddenly reminded of the last time I encountered events similar to these. Jax’s hands around my throat. The passion that followed. The embarrassing dismissal after. I lift my ear from the wall and press my forehead to it instead, both of my hands coming to rest beside my head.

An inner battle wages war inside of me. On one side, my brain is telling me to go in there, to see if I can help him, calm him down, do something, anything.

The other side remembers what happened the last time I went into his room.

The terrified look in his eyes when he realized what was going on and how upset he became at my trespassing.

“Emma, stop!” The knocks are getting louder.

Then, he lets out a noise between a growl and a scream that makes my heart race, adrenaline knocking forcefully into full gear.

The utter agony I feel through the wall is nerve racking and I can’t, in good conscience, let it pass through me as if it were nothing, regardless of the warnings I should heed.

Fuck this shit, I’m going in.

I make my way out of my room, down the hallway and to his door.

Something is thrown at the door and hits the wood, jarring it on its hinges.

I wait outside, second guessing if this is a good idea.

Do you leave people alone when they have nightmares and just let it pass?

I don’t know. I’m no mental health expert.

After my previous experience, the logical part of my brain is waving its hands about frantically and screaming hell to the yes, you leave them the fuck alone!

But I can’t let this go on. Logic can fuck right off.

He could hurt himself. I make my decision and open his door for the second time. Damn the consequences.

The inside of his room is dark, with only the light from the moon filtering through the gauzy curtains.

I strain my eyes for a second but then I see him lying in his bed, sheets crumpled and twisted around his feet, rendering him immobile.

The upper half of his body is convulsing.

He’s breathing heavily. Even in the dark I can see his chest rising and lowering at a rapid pace.

Hear the ragged breaths being taken in. I move closer to the bed.

At this distance I can see he’s covered in sweat.

The dewy coat reflecting in the moonlight.

He breathes in deeply, his muscles tightening.

“EMMA! LISTEN TO ME! STOP!”

He punches the headboard again. Both the sudden scream and the movement cause me to practically jump out of my skin.

I need to stop this, quickly. I can only hope and assume he hasn’t broken any knuckles but I can’t say, with confidence, that they will be in perfect working order.

I need to act fast. I can’t think of any other way to get him to stop or wake up without getting in the line of fire so I opt to try and talk to him as I keep myself at a safe distance.

“Jax, it’s Aly, it’s ok...”

Nothing. He doesn’t hear me. The nightmare continues with him writhing on the bed. Tears falling down his face. His mouth gapes open on a silent scream.

While his body is still tense, not tossing about as much as before, I take a chance and move closer, placing a hand on his forehead and slowly, gently stroke his hair back from his face.

He leans into my touch and his eyes fly open.

Surprise covers his face and in one, quick move that I’m not ready for at all, he grabs my wrists and moves to get up and out of the bed.

He pushes me into the wall, my wrists in his hands on either side of my head.

Wild eyes look back at me, his breathing, ragged again.

“Emma... What the fuck, I told you to come right back. I told you to come back. Why don’t you listen?” Tears are streaming down his face as his voice hiccups the words with sorrowful emotion.

“Jax, it’s Aly. You’re ok. I --”

He grabs my face between in massive hands, and squeezes...hard, before smashing the back of my head into the wall. The hit is hard enough for me to see stars for a second or two before I’m able to focus again. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.

“You needed to fucking listen to me, Emma. You never listen!” He screams at me.

Well... not me...

I reach up to grab his forearms, barely loosening his grip on my skull. “Jax, it’s Aly. Wake up.” I implore. My voice weak as my head throbs .

The wild look in his eyes is enough to frighten me. His grip on my face tightening, adding to the pain I already have.

“I’m so sorry, Emma... I’m sorry... I’m sorry...” he whispers. The crack in his voice shows how much pain he’s in himself. I muster the strength to project my voice, willing him to hear my pleas.

“Jax, it’s me, wake up!”

He shakes his head no. His eyes close as he looks away. He still can’t hear me, lost in his nightmare without escape.

“Jax... please...” I implore. My voice strained in my attempt.

He takes a deep breath and then returns his face to mine. The tears have ceased, replaced with a stern seriousness. His eyes open and terrifying. He’s staring directly into mine but not seeing me at all. He’s seeing Emma.

Is this what happened to his girlfriend that day? Is he reliving that nightmare right now? Has he been reliving those horrors again and again this whole time?

“I have to Em. I have to do this. Please forgive me...” His voice, so serious, full of regret, full of pain.

His hands creep down to my neck. It's at this point I know I’m in serious trouble.

I need to get out of here. Now. I try to get away but he’s strong.

So strong. His fingers start to tighten on my neck.

My breathing stops. I try to push him away but he barely budges.

My legs kick at him but nothing seems to hit its mark.

Dark spots circle the edges of my vision.

I lift my hands and try to punch him away but he just takes it without so much as a flinch.

“Shhh. Emma, please.... Just go to sleep. It’ll be ok.

It’ll be over soon. I won’t let you turn into one of them.

Never one of them.” Tears start flowing again from his eyes.

My own eyes start to well over with their own tears.

This is the end. I know it. I couldn’t just follow a simple rule.

I came in here after they all told me not to. ..again.

I feel myself start to pass out and make a last-ditch effort to try to wake him up by kicking the side table.

The movement makes the lamp fall and crash to the hardwood floor with a loud smash, the ceramic fragments scattering on the floor and at our feet.

The noise must have jarred something because he, suddenly, blinks his eyes, taking in his surroundings as if he just teleported in and doesn’t know where or what time he’s landed.

When he looks back to me, back to his hands around my throat, he gasps and takes a step back, releasing me to fall with a thud to the floor, gasping for air and clutching my throat.

The bedroom door slams open then. Both Hawk and Cole stand in the doorway looking at Jax and then at me. Sadie’s right behind them. She must have rushed into the hallway to wake them up when I opened the door and came in. I was so worried about Jax that I didn’t even notice her leave.

“Holy fuck, what the hell happened?” Cole pushes past Jax and kneels beside me.

He prods at my neck and I wince as his fingers press at what I know must be finger shaped bruises on my flesh.

I try to tell him I’m ok but the words won’t come out right.

Just garbled hoarseness, as I continue to cough, my lungs burning for air.

“Don’t try to talk. It's gonna be ok. I’ve got you,” Cole says as he stays by me, holding my hand and looks back to Jax and Hawk.

Hawk is still by the doorway but slowly inches his way to Jax as if he’s a wild animal about to attack. Seems like it’s a good tactic considering how Jax is reacting. He’s pacing now, mouth agape, his hands in his hair, fingers pulling at the roots.

“Hey man, just breath.” Hawk says softly and reaches a hand out towards Jax’s shoulder. Jax pushes his arm away and stalks to the other side of the room. Hawk looks to me and Cole.

“She ok?” Hawk nods towards me, trying to keep his voice low. Cole nods back as he squeezes my hand in his, drawing soothing circles on the back of it and pulling my body closer to his, covering me in a protective embrace.

We all look toward where Jax has now stopped pacing. He looks at each of them and then directly at me, meeting my eyes. Regret fills his gaze as a single tear falls down his cheek. His words a shaky timber with enough resonance to create an earthquake in my soul.

“I am so sorry, Alessandra... I didn’t... I shouldn’t have... please forgive me...”

He looks back at Cole and Hawk, solid resolve blanketing his features.

“I have to go... I can’t stay here... I need.

.. please... just... keep her safe.” And with that he grabs a sweatshirt and his shoes and exits the room in a rush.

A few minutes later we hear the front door open and slam shut, fast feet pounding on the gravel as he runs down the driveway and away from the estate.

The rest of us remain in his bedroom, speechless.