Page 52 of Playing for Keeps (Seattle Hawks Ice Hockey #4)

Jay

I feel like that seventeen-year-old kid again as I swipe Jade’s car keys from the dresser and head out.

I also feel like an ass for leaving her standing there, but I need to sort my head out for a moment.

Putting any kind of faith in my mother again is a real sore point for me, and no matter what anyone says, I don’t have to be okay with it.

I’m not okay with it. Fucking yahoo, she’s found god or whatever and now she’s putting her life right again.

The less stubborn part of me can see that’s a shit ton better than continuing the way she was going when I was under her care, not that she did much of that.

But the stubborn part of me doesn’t give a flying fuck.

After she ran off with Gus and I went to Grandpa Ray’s, I barely heard from her for two years.

She contacted me after I was drafted into the NHL, but I blew her off every time.

The last time I saw her was on a visit home before Grandpa Ray died.

She was in town visiting Leo, Gus was long gone by then, of course.

I ran into her on the fucking street, of all places, and we just gaped at each other for a long while before she tried to make conversation.

I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, not wanting to make small talk because I didn’t see the point.

She didn’t give a shit about me when she upped and moved from Fargo all those years ago.

She never let me see Grandpa Ray when I wanted to.

It hurt having to leave him and Uncle Ricky.

Granted, she looked guilty, she could barely look at me, but not guilty enough for my liking.

In the end, I said I had nothing to say to her and kept walking, as fast as possible.

She called my name down the street, but by then I was literally half jogging back to Grandpa Ray’s pickup.

Cowardly, maybe. But she always evoked such strong feelings inside me, it was difficult seeing her face to face like that. I haven’t seen her since.

I haven’t wanted to, nor do I want to now.

So, I take off down to The Point. I haven’t been here in a long time, but somehow the car seems to drive itself and seems to know what I need.

In no time, I’m pulling up at the lot at the beach.

I jump out and head along the walking trail to that memorable cliff face, where I contemplated everything that was going on in my life at seventeen, both good and bad.

I’m standing right back where I started, looking down at the cracking waves below me.

It’s not the same as it was years ago in the storm that night, but it’s definitely a place I can resonate with.

There’s so many memories that stir up about that night.

At least I’m not drunk, waving a bottle of whiskey around and wondering where the fuck I’m going to sleep tonight. That was so stressful as a kid.

Thankfully, there’s no crazy storm in sight, it’s just me and the clouds above, moving quickly as I watch them float over an endless blue sky.

It’s really hard to think about the last time I was standing here. There was no way I was ever going to jump, I realize that now. I’d been drinking way too much, and my mom had me on a very uneven keel with just about everything.

I glance down to the turbulent water, even on a calm day like this, the unforgiving tide still crashes towards the rocks like it’s angry. At the same point, it’s kind of beautiful watching the waves break and the white foam rise from the edge of each swell.

So much has happened since that day, and I’ve come so fucking far.

But why now do I feel like I’m not worthy of any of it? Why does all this have me questioning myself? Is it because my mom has never told me she loved me?

Is that why I haven’t been able to give my heart to anyone? Even with Jade, and I’ve been more open with her than I have with anyone, but I can still feel myself holding back emotionally. Maybe deep down I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.

I stand there for the longest time just thinking about every major thing that’s happened from then until now, so many adventures I’ve taken, some risks, too, but I’m not unhappy with how everything turned out.

The memories turn over in my mind from Mom up and moving with no notice one day, without barely getting a chance to say goodbye to Grandpa Ray.

Landing in California for a little while, where I made friends with Tanner and Ben on my first day.

I was a hit in school, everyone liked the way I’d crack jokes and be the instigator of fun pranks on my friends.

I really loved to make people happy and try to cheer someone up if they were down.

The night I got into a fight with my mom and left plays heavily on my mind, there was no one to cheer me up because I felt completely useless.

That’s why I grabbed that bottle of whiskey and headed to The Point.

Thank God for Billy Jones taking me in, because I probably would have just become another bum without him and blown my chance with the USHL when they came knocking.

They’d seen me a couple of years back when I played in the junior league back home.

A scout came looking for me one day when we’d been in San Diego for a while.

Thank fuck I put all of my time and energy into the skating rink and practising whenever I could with Tanner and Ben.

Billy also taking a special interest in my talents and making sure I didn’t fall by the wayside, helped me tenfold.

The way they took me in and wouldn’t let my mom take me back to that place again. I’m not sure I would have survived it mentally if they hadn’t.

I kick the ground with my foot and look up to the sky, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. Feeling the cool wind on my face feels like a welcome home, kinda like the San Diego air has missed me. And I think I’ve missed it, too.

I think I’m hearing things when a dog barks and a few seconds later my eyes snap open and I turn my head. Before I know it, Robbie is upon me, literally running from the corner, jumping up at me like he’s a puppy again. I can’t believe they’re here.

I bend down to scratch him, Billy is just a few metres behind with Robbie’s leash in his hand. He quickly jogs to catch up to his dog.

“Are you alright?” Billy says when our eyes meet.

We both know what this place is for me, and I know he hasn’t forgotten that night either.

“I’m okay.” I pause for a beat. “It’s funny you should find me here.”

“Isn’t it.”

“Did you come and find me?”

“Maybe. Or it could be a huge coincidence.”

I doubt the latter, but I don’t mind. “You know, I was never going to jump that night,” I blurt out. I mean, he must be thinking it.

Billy nods, his eyes close for a second. “I know it, Jay. You were going through a lot, and you were pretty drunk that night. I was more concerned about you falling over the edge than anything.”

“I wasn’t very steady on my feet that day,” I say with a nervous laugh. “But it all worked out for me in the end. Thank you, Billy. I really mean that.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for,” he says in earnest, his blue eyes never leaving mine. They’re the exact same color as Jade’s. And I remember thinking it all those years ago.

“I owe everything to you and your family,” I say.

“You did the work, Jay. You worked so damned hard, I’ve never seen anything like it, or anyone overcome what you did so young.”

I feel a lump in my throat, one that’s impossible to swallow away.

“It’s all I had until I found your family.

Tanner has been an amazing friend over the years, Jade helped me so much back then with my grades.

And you and Ellen took me in for those last few months before I moved.

” I fucking feel a stinging behind my eyes, traitorous tears again pricking my eyeballs.

Oh fuck, not again. “I can never repay you for that.”

Billy shakes his head and places a hand on my shoulder. Robbie is still wagging his tail close to my side, I bend to give him another pet on the head. “There’s nothing to repay me for, Jay. You’re like a son to me, we could all see your potential, you just needed someone to believe in you.”

I hold my breath for a second and try to let the emotion pass on by like rain clouds holding off for later. Letting it go a few moments later, when I think the coast is clear.

“Every time you say that, it really makes me feel like I’m someone,” I admit.

“Every time I say what?”

“Son,” I clarify. “It’s all I ever wanted, other than to play hockey, of course.”

Billy’s face crinkles in a smile. “You’ll always be like a son to me, you always have been.”

The tear rims at the edge of my eye. “I left Jade standing there,” I say with a sigh. “I’m an asshole sometimes.”

“Jade told me what’s going on. She said your mom has been knocking.”

“Yeah, for the past few months now.”

“It doesn’t make you an asshole for needing some time out. Jade understands that more than you probably know. She’s always had that compassionate side to her, a lot of people have taken advantage of her good nature in the past. I know you’re not like that.”

“I’d never hurt her,” I murmur.

“I know it,” he says. “What are you going to do with your mom?”

I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. She gets me all messed up inside,” I admit. “And I don’t want to feel like that again. I worked too hard to go back to that place.”

He pats me on the shoulder again, but keeps his hand there in a fatherly way. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m proud of you, no matter what.”

There’s that tight feeling again in my throat and that fucking tear finally drops. I wipe it away with the back of my hand. “Thanks, Billy. You’re the closest I ever had to a father.”

If I’m not mistaken, he looks a little glassy eyed and choked up himself. “I might be jumping the gun here, but I hope someday you might become my actual son-in-law.”