Page 22 of Playing for Keeps (Seattle Hawks Ice Hockey #4)
His gaze coasts over my face, dropping briefly to the small rose quartz love heart dangling around my neck that I’ve had tucked into my shirt all day.
I touch it instinctively. It always calms me and helps me feel better.
Then his eyes venture back to mine and he holds them in place, and for a second, it’s like no one else exists in this room except us.
There’s a pause on both our sides, like we’re holding some deep meaning between us, not wanting it to slip.
The words I’ve been keeping in about the past few months, that no one knows about except Beth, are rising to the surface.
I can feel it. “I don’t know, something just feels a little off, that’s all. Maybe it’s just me.” He shrugs.
My hand lifts to my chin and rubs over it without me realizing. I hold my lip with my teeth, pressing into the flesh while I think quickly. Should I tell him?
One part of my brain encourages me that it’s a safe place with Jay to talk about anything, we’ve always been able to do that. But the other part doesn’t want to put any burden on him, or let any of the cracks that have appeared in my life lately get any wider.
But the latter loses out on another sharp exhale. “It’s not just you,” I say after a beat, feeling compelled to get this off my chest once and for all. Jay has always been a good listener, I know I can trust him in that sense. “There are a few things I’ve been keeping to myself lately.”
“I had a feeling that was the case.”
“You did?”
“I may not have been around you for a long time, but I kinda picked up on it. Intuition maybe.” He pauses. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I pop a slow, uncertain shoulder, clasping my hands in my lap.
Anything to do with my ex makes me clammy, but all the self-help books in the world say that getting things out in the open is the key to moving on.
“Aaron cheated,” I say in a whisper. There was a time, months ago, where I wouldn’t have been able to even say the words without the tears pooling instantly and my throat clamming up.
Keeping my emotions in check now is only working because I’m squeezing my palms together in my lap and keeping my breathing consistent and steady.
I also keep reciting to myself that everything is going to be okay, a daily mantra I’ve been practising.
Aaron may have made me feel completely worthless when he cheated, then asked me to partake in some weird three-some, but I’m determined not to let what he did define me. I’ve worked too damned hard for that.
When I glance over at Jay, I see his body has stiffened.
The way he sits up a little straighter, his hand resting on the table, is now balled into a fist. My eyes drop to his plate, where he clutches onto his fork with his other hand like he’s trying to break it.
“He what?” The way his head cocks, like he didn’t hear that right, makes my heart jolt fervently in my chest – but I know he heard me.
He isn’t asking me to repeat it, he knows by the look on my face.
I press my lips inwards, keeping a tight squeeze on them. I fear if I open my mouth right now, a ragged sob may just escape me. And I’m tired of wasting tears over my asshole ex.
“He got caught up in some scandal with another woman… and a guy,” I say, my voice not even sounding audible. It’s a wonder Jay can hear me.
When I glance up, he’s staring at me with an expression I’ve never, ever seen on his face. And I’m not sure I like it. It’s annoyance; a deep scowl and unfathomability resonating in the depths of his eyes, like they’re growing darker by the second.
He’s furious.
“That fuckface cheated on you?” he seethes, I think he’s repeating the words more to himself than asking me for clarification. “What the ever living fuck, J?”
Strangely, his reaction and all his sudden swearing somehow makes me feel better about the situation. “Well, he did,” I sigh. “And when I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, he tried to win me back. I don’t think he was expecting me to actually pack up and leave him.”
“I can’t fucking believe it. Tanner knew something was up. They don’t know, do they?” he asks. “Your family?”
“No. Thank god Aaron isn’t so well known yet that it made the news or anything. But no, I didn’t want to say anything to my dad or Tanner because I knew how mad they’d be and they’d want to confront him.”
“Jade, this is fucking serious. They deserve to know,” Jay’s tone is softer towards me than his expression, but somehow intense at the same time.
I see the look of concern etched in his face with knitted eyebrows.
His eyes still seem like they’ve turned a little turbulent, venturing into the deeper depths of the ocean.
His body is definitely more rigid than when we walked in here, and there’s a tick to his jaw that wasn’t there before. “This isn’t on you, it’s on him.”
“I know.” Suddenly feeling dry, I wet my lips with a sweep of my tongue, then reach for my drink – but even that isn’t enough. “And there’s something else.”
Our eyes lock again as he waits for me to go on.
“I quit my job back when I first came out here three months ago. I’ve been sick of working for the school for a while now. For this past year I’ve felt more and more that I wasn’t following my dreams anymore, but I stuck it out because I spent so long getting my degree.”
He blinks several times, his lips part for a second as he takes in what I’m saying. His gaze holds my face, and somehow encourages me to go on without speaking any words.
“So I’ve been working on my app this whole time and concentrating on my social media accounts. My parents have no idea I’m going into yoga as a job. They think I’m going to move back home and find a teaching job there. I haven’t told them I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“Jade.” Jay reaches over to my hand, sliding over the crisp white linen tablecloth between us.
His fingers glide over the top of my hand and rest there, giving me a comfortable squeeze.
The warmth of his hand over mine feels like a safety net, a comfortable, cozy blanket.
There’s also something else I’m feeling in the form of a light electric current, moving faster, working its way into my veins. “I’m so sorry.”
I reach for my drink and throw down the rest of its contents down my throat in one mouthful.
Jay reaches for the carafe to pour us another. “Fucking hell, Baby Girl. I think you need this more than me.”
A tiny smile edges around my lips at his words, surprising me, because the last thing I thought I’d be doing after my outburst about all the shit going on in my life is smiling about it. But it’s there again with him, the warmth of his presence. The way I feel safe.
He knows just the right thing to say at the right time.
“Here’s to putting worthless idiots in the past and moving on.” I raise my glass in a show of toast, hovering it in the air as Jay lifts his to meet mine in a clink.
“I’ll drink to that,” he says, as we both take another larger sip. It’s not exactly the same as doing shots, but close enough.
He’s still holding his hand over mine on the table as the air settles between us, he doesn’t look like he’s about to move it anytime soon. And I don’t want him to.