Page 33 of Persuaded

Once they were headed toward the coast, weak winter sunlight broke through the clouds to paint the world in fragile colors.

Finn felt fragile too, like his heart might beat out of his chest.

They were out of the city before Josh started to talk, glancing at Finn with that searching expression that had first captured him. He said, “I thought maybe I’d been an experiment.”

Finn shifted around to see him better. “What?”

“A ‘gay phase.’” He put air quotes around the words.

“Hands on the wheel!” Love of his life or not, Josh was still a terrible driver.

A little frown of irritation formed between Josh’s eyebrows. Finn had always adored it and his stomach fluttered; fuck, he was so gone on Joshua Newton. “I mean,” Josh said, keeping his eyes fixed on the road, “that I wondered whether Ruth was right about you.”

“Your aunt?”

He gave a careless shrug. “She—that summer, she said you’d probably dump me because actors couldn’t afford to be gay.”

“I told you I didn’t care about—”

“Then how come you’re in the closet?”

“I’m not.”

Josh spared him a look. “Come on...”

“I’m not! It’s just... Look, okay, I’m attracted to women too and it’s been easier to date them because—”

“Because you can hide your sexuality.”

“ Because ,” he said firmly, “they didn’t remind me of you. I thought I was over you, Josh, but I was so wrong—all I’ve done these past eight years is kid myself that you’re not the only person in the world I want.”

That kept Josh quiet for a moment, fingers flexing around the steering wheel. Eventually, in a more subdued voice, he said, “Not being closeted means telling people you’re bi. Does anybody know?”

“Sean knows. And Tejana.”

“Sean knows?”

He squirmed. “For the last couple weeks.”

“Ah.” Silence. Josh changed lanes and pulled down the visor against the low winter sun, waiting for more.

Eventually, Finn folded. “Okay, you’re right.

I didn’t tell Sean until after you left town.

I knew then—” He fixed his eyes on the road ahead because it was easier than looking at Josh.

“Look, that night when Liz got hurt? I couldn’t lie to myself after that, or to Sean or anyone.

It was like everything got stripped away and I saw things how they really were: you, me, Liz.

.. I’d been such a fucking ass to you, Josh, but you were still there for me that night.

And the idea that I could ever be with Liz when there was a chance I could be with you.

..? I couldn’t do it.” He shook his head.

“But, man, you must have hated me. Don’t lie, I know you did. I’d been a total dick.”

A pause, then, “You gave me gloves because you saw I had cold hands.”

Finn glanced at him. “They’re just things, man.”

“No.” Josh’s voice had a rough edge that made Finn’s heart stutter. “You noticed , Finn. You noticed and that made me feel—” He cleared his throat. “It made me feel a lot.”

“Yeah?” He flexed his fingers and kept himself from putting a hand on Josh’s leg. Aside from not wanting to distract him from driving, he wasn’t sure whether he’d earned the right. “You didn’t say anything—about the gloves.”

“What could I say? I didn’t know what it meant. You were with Liz.”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot.” He blew out a breath. “Tell me the truth. If I’d called you—God, if I’d called you anytime over the last eight years—would you have wanted to try again?”

Josh flashed him an incredulous look. “What do you think?”

Fuck . He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the seat, fisting his fingers by his side. “Shit, I’m such a moron.”

“I could have contacted you too. I—I tried to once, but you were so angry when you left...” He gave a heavy sigh.

“Finn, if you knew how much I regretted what I did. Every single day I’ve regretted listening to Ruth, letting her talk me into it.

I thought—I knew my father would never accept that I was gay, but I’d never have ended it if Ruth hadn’t convinced me it was for your own good.

I was afraid of holding you back. And I know you don’t understand, but—”

“I do. I didn’t, not for a long time, but I get it now. We were both just kids, man. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing.”

After a beat, Joshua said, “I think we got some things right.” He darted a shy smile toward Finn. “I think we got some things perfect.”

And, Jesus, that smile. His heart burned and melted all at once.

“Yeah,” he said, struggling to keep his voice even.

“Yeah, we did.” He had to clear his throat before he added, “I know what it looks like, that I only really dated women after you. But it’s not what you think.

It wasn’t—I just didn’t want anything that reminded me of you.

Sounds stupid, I guess.” It was stupid. All he’d done was brick up his memories behind a wall that Josh had started pulling down the moment Finn saw him in Dee’s coffee shop.

“It’s not stupid,” Josh said quietly. “I did the same. Except without the women.”

Finn felt a squirm of irrational jealousy and thought about Quinton Jones and his slimy limey face. “Just some casual hookups, huh?”

“No.” Josh grimaced. “The opposite.” He flushed, his sharp cheekbones turning pink. “I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”

“No one?” Staggered, he said, “But what about Quinton?”

“Quinton?”

“Dude, the guy was eye-fucking you live on stage.”

“Well.” Josh shifted in his seat, fingers flexing on the steering wheel. “I thought about it, but I couldn’t. I just—” He glanced back over. “I couldn’t get past you, Finn.”

His mouth was dry, throat tight, but he made himself say, “I couldn’t get past you, either.”

Josh gave a shaky smile and fumbled his right hand toward Finn’s. He gripped it tight, heart skipping as he threaded their fingers together—so achingly familiar, holding his hand—and didn’t even care that Josh was driving one-handed on icy roads. He didn’t let go until they reached New Milton.

They’d lost the sun behind a heavy bank of clouds by the time Josh pulled up outside his little cottage on Sandy Lane.

Finn’s bag was in the trunk, but Josh didn’t even have his coat with him.

Strange, but this was how Finn remembered him: intense and in the moment.

Not reckless like Liz, but oblivious to the world sometimes, caught up in the now.

He’d loved that about him then. He loved it about him now.

Josh killed the engine, leaving behind a charged silence. Even the birds were hushed under the threat of snow. Finn didn’t know why Josh wanted to come back here, except that New Milton was where it had all begun. What better place for it to begin again?

“You, uh, got any coffee in there?” Josh hadn’t been back in weeks.

“Probably,” he said. “No milk, though.”

“Coffee’s coffee.”

Josh gave a wary smile, like he might be having second thoughts. Reaching out, Finn brushed his fingertips over Josh’s hand where he fiddled with the car keys in his lap. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s go inside.”

The cottage was cold. But Josh fired up the heating and the little place warmed up fast, the aroma of brewing coffee doing as much as the woodstove to take the edge off the chill.

“You have to know,” Josh said, pulling a couple of mugs from the cupboard, “that if we—if we give this a shot again, the press will find out. There’ll be consequences.”

“I know.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” Josh kept his back turned, fiddling with mugs and spoons. “All the women you dated... That was safer. It makes sense, given your career.”

Finn studied him, the way his head tipped forward and his dark hair curled at the back of his neck, behind his ears.

It was fucking ridiculous that anyone could object to him loving this beautiful man, but he wasn’t dumb enough to pretend that coming out publicly wouldn’t have consequences. “Thing is, Josh, I don’t care.”

“Finn—”

“It’s true.” He reached out to turn Josh around, but dropped his hand at the last moment.

He didn’t want to push. “Look, I’ve been acting for eight years now.

And it’s been good. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a blast. But it’s not enough.

It’s not enough without you. So if I don’t get work because of other people’s fucked-up prejudice, well, it sucks but I wasn’t kidding when I said fame and fortune don’t mean shit.

They don’t. If I have to choose between that and you, then I choose you.

” Josh turned his head and Finn caught his eye.

“I’ll always choose you, Josh. None of it means anything without you. And that’s the truth.”

“And Liz?” Josh frowned. “Did you feel anything for her, or was she just... I don’t know, camouflage?”

Finn shoved his hands into his pockets. He didn’t want to talk about Liz; he wasn’t proud of what he’d done there.

“I liked her,” he said, keeping his eyes fixed on the linoleum floor.

“She’s sweet, attractive, fun to be around, but I didn’t.

.. Seeing you again turned me upside down, Josh.

It’s not an excuse”—he held up a hand to deflect Josh’s protest—“I know I was reckless. I know I could have hurt Liz. But you gotta understand, I was terrified.” He swallowed, but the emotions were right there in his throat and he couldn’t hold them back.

“You have no idea how it hurt when you ended it. And I’m not blaming you, but I was afraid it would happen again because I still. ..because of how much I still—”

“Finn.” Josh touched his face, cupping his jaw. When Finn looked up, Josh was watching him with such regret it pierced him. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“It’s not.” His thumb traced Finn’s cheekbone, brow creasing as he sighed. “I should never have ended it. I didn’t want to.”