Page 29 of Persuaded

The conversation focused on work anyway, and he found himself glazing over, attention drifting out the window to the city lights below.

At home, he’d be able to see the stars instead and hear the boom of the ocean instead of the city’s hum.

God, he wished he could go back there. He’d have to at some point, of course, to hand in his notice and collect his stuff from the cottage.

The thought brought both relief and regret, but he’d never be able to live there if Finn—

“...brings you to New York, Joshua?”

He blinked and found Michael’s eyes fixed on him—cool gray, like sharp steel. “I, uh...” He didn’t want to tell him anything.

“Joshua’s a musician,” Ruth explained to the rest of the group. “He’s going to be working with Quinton Jones—the music producer.”

Joshua flicked a look at her but didn’t deny the exaggeration.

“How exciting,” Isabelle said, without interest. “Are you making an album or something?”

“Well, you never know.” He supposed he might play on a couple, at least. “It’s early days. I’m meeting Quinton for lunch next week.”

“At least you’ve given up on the teaching, at last.” Michael took a sip of his Haut Brion. “Always knew you could do better, Joshua.”

“There’s—” He knew he shouldn’t rise to the bait, but he couldn’t let it go. “Teaching is incredibly rewarding. I think it’s one of the most honorable professions in the world. And I’m not giving up. I’m trying something different for a while, that’s all.”

Michael’s smirk, the sly look he shot one of his toadies, made Joshua want to throw a punch. Only the buzz of his phone saved him from disgracing himself. Gritting his teeth, he used the text as an excuse to turn away, even if the message was only from Lexa. Anything to escape Michael.

Opening it, he read: OMG Liz is engaged for realz!!!!!!

His stomach plunged to his toes. Even though he knew it was inevitable, the shock hit him like a wave. He stared at the words, watched them blur, felt his heart cramp.

“Joshua?” Ruth peered at him in concern. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I—” He could see three little dots where Lexa was typing again and stabbed at the button to switch off his phone before he could read more.

The last thing he wanted was details. He felt sick, a horrible crushing grief taking hold of him.

It was ridiculous; he knew they were together, he knew this could happen.

And he was here starting a new life, for God’s sake.

And yet he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared. He couldn’t bear it.

The rest of the evening passed at a horrific snail’s pace, each moment stretching out forever. He went through the motions of eating, tried to seem normal, but inside he felt something shrivel away. It was hope dying, he supposed, some vestigial dream that a miracle might bring Finn back to him.

But it was over now, forever. Finn was marrying Liz Howard and he wasn’t the kind of man to make that commitment lightly. No, Finn must truly love her.

Joshua felt alternately sick and so furious he could crawl out of his skin.

If it hadn’t been for his father, for Michael, and their homophobic ideas of honor—if it hadn’t been for his own misguided loyalty to them eight years ago—then he and Finn might still be together.

They might be the ones getting married. That thought hurt so much he had to excuse himself to the bathroom.

By the time he and Ruth eventually left, with Michael saying something about meeting again at a party in a couple of weeks, Joshua could barely keep control of himself.

As soon as they hit the sidewalk, he pleaded the need for solitude and headed out into the city alone.

He knew Ruth was worried, but there wasn’t enough left in him to care.

It took everything to just keep walking.

He needed space to think, to try and come to terms with this final loss after years of hopeless dreaming.

What he craved was the comfort of the ocean, a long walk on the beach, but he was out of luck.

So he headed for the closest thing to it in Manhattan and found himself near Pier 81, thick with tourists even in January, and just stood there looking out over the river.

The lights from the cruise ships and Weehawken glittered in the water and maybe it looked beautiful—there were plenty of people with their phones out taking photos—but all he could see was the darkness beyond the lights.

His own phone sat dead in his pocket and he pulled it out, staring at the blank screen. He couldn’t bring himself to switch it back on, to reply to Lexa or to read her other messages. Or Sean’s, he imagined. God help him if Finn had gotten his number.

The thought of a message—worse, a call—from Finn made his stomach churn. Hey, Josh, just wanted to let you know...

He swallowed the knot in his throat. He couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t take that call or read that message.

He wouldn’t . With shaking hands he tried to pry off the back of his phone, but the damn thing was sealed shut and he couldn’t get to the battery.

“Fuck it,” he growled. “God damn and fuck it.” With a surge of fury and a sharp yell, he hauled back and threw his phone, watching it catch the light as it arced out over the river and disappeared beneath its dark water.

Gone forever. Like Finn.

It didn’t bring him any relief.

* * *

The next week blew in cold and gray, the clouds so low the tops of the buildings disappeared into a heavy mist that sent New Yorkers scurrying about their business with heads down.

Joshua found it suited his mood perfectly.

Meeting with Quinton was the last thing he wanted to do, but he made himself go anyway. What he wanted to do was stay in bed or pick out sad tunes on the piano, wallowing in his melancholy. But he wouldn’t allow it. He’d had enough of that.

So by midday he found himself eating an early lunch at a trendy restaurant with Quinton, who sat preening at their window table as if on display for the world to admire.

Perhaps he was, perhaps that was what music people did; everyone who came into All Bar None seemed to know him, or want to know him, and he introduced Joshua to them all.

“Networking,” he said with a smile and stretched out his long legs so that his ankle brushed against Joshua’s beneath the table. It wasn’t an accidental touch. “So, Joshua, what do you think? Big city, bright lights—is it for you?”

No. It wasn’t. It had never been, but right then all Joshua cared about was doing something different. Something far from New Milton. Far from Finn. “I think I’ll enjoy it.”

“There’s a lot here to enjoy, if you’ll let yourself.” Quinton ran his gaze over him, lingering for a purposeful beat on Joshua’s mouth before lifting it back to his eyes. “I get the feeling you don’t find enjoying yourself very easy.”

“Maybe not, but”—God help him—“I’m open to learning.”

Quinton’s eyes gleamed as he reached across the table and ran a fingertip over Joshua’s wrist. He felt a hot spark of anticipation, something unexplored for too long. “Are you now? Well in that case—”

Someone rapped on the window, making Joshua jump. Sean Callaghan stared at them through the glass, a mixture of confusion and relief on his face. He was with a group of people, all in suits, who looked like they were waiting for him with limited patience.

Joshua’s stomach lurched as he pulled his hand away from Quinton and watched Sean say something to his colleagues before heading into the bar. “Crap.”

“Uh-oh.” Quinton sipped his coffee. “Your ex? I do hope he’s going to make a scene.”

Joshua shook his head, wiped sweaty hands on his jeans, and stood up as Sean made his way over to their table. Be normal, he told himself. Don’t give anything away .

“Joshua!” Sean went to give him a hug, but checked himself at the last moment and bounced on his toes instead. “Man, it’s good to see you. I—How are you?”

“I’m good.” Please don’t mention Finn. Please don’t mention Finn . “It’s good to see you too, Sean.”

A pause. Sean frowned and shot a look at Quinton who was watching them both with avid interest. “I, um... Did you get my texts? I tried to call.”

“Oh.” Joshua flushed. “No, I lost my phone.” He hated how much that sounded like a lie—how it was a lie. “It, uh, fell in the river.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Right.”

Sean’s awkwardness made him ache; he’d obviously been hurt by the way Joshua left town without a word. They’d been friends, after all. Searching for something to say, he came up with “Are you here on business?”

“Couple days of meetings.” Sean’s gaze flickered toward Quinton again. “And you? Dee said you might not be back for a while.”

“No, I’m—I’m here visiting my aunt for a couple weeks. And trying my hand as a studio musician. Quinton is helping me—he’s a music producer.”

Sean lifted an eyebrow and gave Quinton an unconvincing smile. “That sounds—” He glanced past Joshua to the window, where one of the women waiting for him tapped her watch. “Shit. I’m running late for a client meeting. I gotta go.”

“Of course. Well it was nice—”

“Listen”—Sean pulled out his wallet—“take my card and call me when you get a new phone, okay? I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.” Joshua accepted the card because it was easier than trying to explain, here, why it would be a good idea if they just let their friendship fade. “Sean—”

A fierce hug cut him off. “Don’t be a stranger. I mean it, man. We all miss you.” He let go, but just when Joshua thought he’d escaped any mention of the wedding, Sean said, “Sorry, but you do know about Finn and Liz, right?”

Was it an accusation? Was Sean wondering why he hadn’t offered any congratulations? His ears burned. “I, uh... Yes, Lexa told me.” He tried to smile. “I’m sorry, I should have said something. You must be excited.” It was the best he could manage.

“Excited?”

“For Finn, I mean.” He was making a hash of it. “Liz’s great, I’m sure they’ll be very—”