Page 27 of Persuaded

He hung up. Josh had left town. Josh, who’d looked at him with sad eyes for the past three months, who’d watched him parade Liz around like he was making a point, who’d offered him affection and comfort, and gotten nothing but silence in return, had finally given up on him and left.

Someone bumped into him and he realized he was still standing stock-still in the middle of the hospital corridor. He didn’t know what to do; he couldn’t go back to Liz when all he could think about was Josh.

Cowardly to the end, he simply walked out of the hospital and climbed into his rental. He had no plan when he started driving, but eventually found himself outside the Rock House. Drinking seemed as good a way as any to end a crappy day.

So he started in on the Jack Daniel’s and tried not to think about all the ways he’d hurt Josh, pushed him away when he could have pulled him closer. Finn didn’t know whether they’d ever had a shot at a second chance, but if they had he’d blown it now.

If his damned pride hadn’t been hurt, maybe he’d have known that Josh’s sonofabitch father had thrown him out.

Maybe he’d have known years ago, when he could have helped him pick up the pieces instead of leaving Josh to sink or swim alone.

Maybe he’d have called him when Josh came to LA and left his number at the studio.

And then maybe he’d have figured out that they’d just been kids that summer, and forgiven Josh for not wanting to alienate his whole family for a guy he’d known eight fucking weeks.

He felt his throat tighten, tried to loosen it with another mouthful of Jack.

Maybe he could’ve been a fucking grown-up about it.

“Finn?” Kylee Adams eyed him across the bar, arms folded. “You wanna call Sean to come get you? Coz I just saw a guy in the parking lot with a hella big lens and I figure you don’t want to be all over Tumblr like this.”

“Fuck”—he waved a hand in apology—“I mean, sorry. Thanks. Fuck.”

Her lips twisted. “Come on around the bar, honey. You can wait out back.”

It took Sean fifteen minutes to show up. He said nothing, except to thank Kylee, as he guided Finn into his car parked at the back of the bar. As they pulled out of the parking lot, Finn saw the pap slipping in through the Rock House’s front door.

“Bastard,” he growled. “Seriously, who the fuck cares anyway?”

“The internet, apparently,” Sean said. “Liz too. She called, wondering where you’d gone.”

He leaned his head back against the seat and didn’t answer; he could feel the weight of her unanswered texts on his phone.

When they got home, Sean made him coffee and sat him down at the kitchen table, turning his own seat backwards and straddling it as he templed his fingers and waited. It took until Finn had finished his first cup of joe before he said, “Fuck, Sean, I’ve screwed up.”

“I figured. You gonna tell me how?”

He laughed. How could he? How could he even start?

Sean threw him a bone. “I take it this is about Liz?”

“Yeah...”

“She thinks there’s more between you than there is?” Sean sounded bemused, like he thought that was no big deal. He was right, of course. If only that was the real problem.

Finn cupped his hands around his mug, using the heat to focus his thoughts. He still felt drunk, but was lucid enough to know what he was saying. “It’s not just about Liz.” His voice sounded thin but he couldn’t seem to make it any louder. “There’s... There’s someone else.”

Sean let that sit for a beat and then cautiously said, “Okay...” In his peripheral vision, Finn saw him scratch a hand through his hair. “Uh, someone in New Milton?”

He nodded.

“Not—It’s not Lexa, is it?”

“Christ! Of course not.”

“Thank God.” Sean gave a nervous laugh. “But... Dude, you gotta let me in. What the hell’s going on with you? You’ve been acting weird for...for weeks.”

He shouldn’t say anything. What was the point?

He should just hop a flight back to LA and never come back.

Never look back. But this thing in his chest, this ache, had been there for so damn long and he was sick of holding it inside.

Sick of nobody knowing. And this was Sean .

If he couldn’t tell his own brother, then who could he tell?

He glanced up, saw nothing but bemused concern in Sean’s eyes. “I—You remember that summer I spent here, right after Dad died?”

“Sure. Well, I was in LA, but—” Understanding dawned. “Wait. The girl? The girl who broke your heart that summer is still here?”

“Kinda.” He gave a nervous laugh, his stomach a snarl of tension. “It’s—You’re not gonna believe this.”

“Why don’t you try me?”

Finn pressed his fingertips to the table to steady himself. “Okay, so, uh, the thing is, it was Josh.”

Silence stretched between them, long and breathless. Finn kept his eyes on his hands.

“Josh was—?” Sean sounded like he was running to catch up. “ Josh was the girl? Are you saying he’s trans—”

“No.” He looked up. “Josh wasn’t a girl, dude. I’m telling you I’m gay. Or bi, I guess. Whatever.”

Sean stared. “Okay, well, that’s... I mean, it’s cool. I just—” He frowned. “Really?”

“Really? Do you mean, am I sure?”

Sean spread his hands. “You’ve had a lot of girlfriends, man.

And I’ve never seen a single boyfriend. Unless—” He narrowed his eyes.

“Have you been hiding your boyfriends from me? Why would you do that? You gotta know I’d be one-hundred percent cool.

You’re my brother, Finn. I’ve always got your back. ”

Finn rubbed a hand over his lips, the coffee making his mouth taste bitter. “It’s not like that. I mean, there haven’t been any other boyfriends. Not really.”

“Not really?”

“A couple of hookups.” His skin prickled under Sean’s gaze. “But I couldn’t—It’s easier with women; they don’t remind me of him. I couldn’t... I just couldn’t get involved with another guy.”

A long pause followed before Sean spoke again, and when he did his voice was painfully earnest. “But why didn’t you say something? You acted like you’d never met him when we got here.”

“I was—I was still pissed at him.”

“After eight years ?”

Finn gave a helpless shrug.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Another pause. “And what about Josh? How does he feel about things?”

“He, uh—I dunno.”

Sean’s disapproval radiated like heat. “Because you haven’t talked to him about it, have you?”

“I couldn’t.”

“Damn it, Finn, you always do this!”

His fingers clenched. “You don’t get it, Sean.”

“Yeah, I do. You put these walls up, man. Someone hurts you once and you lock them out forever. Like Dad after he left, and—”

“This isn’t about Dad.”

Sean gave a bleak laugh. “Everything’s about Dad.”

“Yeah? Thanks, Dr. Phil.” Finn slumped back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, angry because Sean was right.

“Look, I said I fucked up, okay? I should’ve talked to him, but I couldn’t because it still fucking hurt .

And now...” An ache pierced his chest when he thought about the chance he’d lost for a second time.

His eyes pricked and he squeezed them shut. “Fuck, I drank too much.”

Sean sighed. “You think this is why Josh left town?”

“I don’t know.” He scrubbed a hand over his eyes. “Maybe. He thinks I’m with Liz. The whole fucking world thinks I’m with Liz.”

“So tell him you’re not. Call him and tell him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Because what if he says it’s too late? What if he thinks I’m an ass? “Because it’s my fault Liz got hurt, because she thinks I care about her more than I do, and what the fuck will it look like if I dump her and run after Josh?”

“Okay, first: who cares what it looks like? And second: who cares what it looks like?”

“Well, Liz, probably. Her kid. Her parents. The internet.”

“Screw the internet.”

He shoved to his feet. “It’s not that easy—you know it isn’t. I can’t just do what I want. I have to think about the consequences.”

“Finn, if you—Do you love him?” Sean skewered him with a long look and read the answer in his face. “Then you gotta tell him, man.”

“This isn’t a fairy tale.” Finn pushed his fingers into his hair. “Look—I used Liz, okay? I used her because I was too fucking scared to face Josh. I can’t just dump her. I have to at least... I have to respect her.”

“Lying to her isn’t respecting her.”

Fuck, but Sean could be a sanctimonious prick. Finn gritted his teeth. “I’m—I’m gonna go back to LA.” The plan formed in his mind as he spoke. “Put some distance between me and Liz, let things cool down.”

“And what about Josh? What are you going to tell him?”

What could he tell him? You broke my heart, you bastard. I loved you and you broke my heart, but I still fucking love you. And I still want you. I’ve never wanted anyone else. “I gotta get my head straight first. And I gotta get outa this mess with Liz.”

Sean gave him a long look and then got to his feet, walking around the table toward him. “C’mere,” he said, holding out his arms.

With a sigh, Finn went to him and let his brother wrap him in a tight embrace.

“I wish you’d told me,” Sean said against his ear. “I wish you’d told me everything back when it first happened. I wish you’d trusted me.”

“I just wanted to forget him. It hurt so bad.” The drink, and the sadness he’d carried for eight long years, was too potent: he could feel tears on his face, knotting in his chest and throat. “But I can’t forget him, Sean. I can’t.” A sob broke free and Sean held him tighter.

“I love you,” Sean said. “And I got your back, Finn. Whatever happens, I got your back.”

It felt so good, at last, to be understood—to be known.

The relief opened something in his chest that he hadn’t realized was closed.

He felt light and thought of that golden road he’d once imagined stretching out ahead of him and Josh.

For the first time in eight years he could remember it without pain.