Page 23 of Persuaded

“Wait, wait!” Liz waved an empty glass from the other side of the room, where she and Finn were crowded together in one of the love seats. “I need more punch for this!” Matt was nowhere to be seen—wise kid.

More punch was the last thing Joshua needed, and he passed on both it and the beer.

He was still sober enough to drive home and planned to keep it that way—he wanted to have an escape route.

On the floor next to him sat the gloves he got from his Secret Santa.

Beautiful soft fur-lined leather gloves.

Expensive. His heart spiked as he set a hand on the leather.

For the hundredth time he told himself that, even if they were from Finn, it didn’t matter why he’d given them to him because it didn’t mean anything.

Joshua glanced across the room. Finn was laughing at something Liz had said and the only indication he wasn’t as relaxed as he appeared was the way his knee jumped up and down.

It was possible, Joshua supposed, that the gloves came from Sean and Tejana, but he doubted it. You need some gloves . Finn had said those very words the night of the carol singing, right before it started snowing. Right before he’d choked out Joshua’s name like it still hurt.

He ran his thumb over the leather and told himself, again, it didn’t mean anything.

Whatever Finn might feel for him now—and Joshua liked to imagine his resentment had softened—it was all for what they’d once had, not what they might have again.

And he supposed that was closure, something that would help him move on at last.

A howl of laughter pulled him from his musings and he realized he’d missed the start of the game. Sean was laughing as he explained something about a first date that had Tejana in fits. “You never told me that,” she gasped. “Oh my God!”

Joshua smiled and willed the hands on the clock to move faster.

When his turn came around, he chose truth. Ali had dared Lexa to three tequila shots, and now Lexa was regarding Joshua with a devilish light in her eyes. He really couldn’t afford to get drunk tonight.

“Truth?” Lexa repeated, stroking her chin Bond-villain style. “Okay, Newt... Who was your first love?”

And crap. He shook his head and didn’t dare look at Finn, his cheeks flushing. “I, uh...”

“C’mon,” Lexa wheedled. “You chose truth, Newt, you gotta answer.”

Okay, fine. He could lie. No one would know—no one but Finn. “He was, um, he was—” Except he couldn’t think straight and Finn’s gaze was burning a hole in the floor as a strange and sudden stillness descended on the room. “He was just passing through,” Joshua finished lamely.

The silence didn’t end, not even to protest his nonanswer. He looked at Lexa who stared back at him with wide eyes. “Newt...” she hissed. “Did you—? Did you just out yourself?”

He blinked, confused. “What?”

“You said ‘he.’ You said, ‘ He was just passing through.’”

Joshua glanced around the room. Some people were smiling, others looking awkward. Finn still stared at his feet. “Um,” Joshua said, “I’m sorry. I thought you all knew I was gay.”

Lexa threw up her hands. “How would we know? It’s not like you’ve ever had a boyfriend! Or, like, a date .”

He gave a helpless shrug. “I just assumed. I mean, it’s half the reason my father threw me out in the first place. I thought—I thought everyone knew that.” He gave a tentative smile. “Really? None of you knew?”

Dee’s hand gripped his shoulder. “Newt, you’re a sweetheart, but you’re like a freakin’ clam the way you keep yourself closed up. But everyone’s cool with it.” Her gaze roamed the room. “Right?”

“Totally!” Sean jumped in. “Of course. Not an issue, man.”

“I’d totally guessed anyway,” Liz crowed, drunkenly loud. “Didn’t I, Finn? I told you I thought Newt was gay.”

Finn flushed, shuffling his feet, and Joshua couldn’t keep from laughing at the ridiculous situation. “Right,” he said, changing the subject before anyone realized he still hadn’t answered the question. “So, um, I guess it’s my turn?” He turned to Ali. “Truth or Dare?”

She snorted. “Can’t top your truth, Newt, so I’d better go for dare!”

He dared her to keep her hand in Sean’s back pocket for the next five minutes and used the ensuing chaos to escape to the kitchen. The dark picture window reflected the room back to him. Walking closer he rested his forehead against the cold glass and peered out into the night.

It wasn’t every day he accidentally came out to a room full of people without intending to be in the closet in the first place.

It might have been funny if it hadn’t been so pathetic.

He’d never tried to hide his sexuality after his father cut him off, but apparently he’d shut himself away so effectively that no one knew even the most basic thing about him.

He let out a breath and watched it fog the glass. Through it, the snow glowed in the reflected kitchen light and beyond the garden stretched the vast black ocean. He toyed with the idea of walking out onto the cliff to watch the stars, but it was too cold and—

“Josh?”

He jumped at the sound of Finn’s voice. Turning around, he pressed a palm against the icy window behind him.

Finn hovered in the doorway and glanced over his shoulder before taking a few steps into the kitchen.

He fiddled with a knife sitting next to a half-eaten pumpkin pie on the table. “You, um, you okay?”

Although touched by Finn’s concern he tried not to take it to heart. “I’m fine. Just—kinda embarrassed no one knew. Guess my life really is that boring.”

Finn gave a distracted nod and took another step closer. “I didn’t know your dad threw you out.”

“No. Well, how would you?”

“When—?” Finn frowned at the table, tapped the knife to set it spinning. “I mean, when did it happen?”

“Does it matter? It was inevitable.”

Finn glanced at him and away. “Fuck, Josh,” he said in a raw voice. “Why’d you ever listen to that bastard?”

“Because—”

“There you are!” Liz giggled as she slipped into the room, unsteady on her feet. She wound her arms around Finn’s waist. “Was looking for you, babe.”

Joshua turned away, but in the night-black window he could still see their reflections as Finn put his arm around Liz’s back. “Maybe it’s time we got you to bed, huh?”

“Only if you’re coming too.”

Liz grinned and Joshua closed his eyes, telling himself it was all happening for a reason: meeting Finn again, seeing him with Liz, putting to rest eight years of hopeless dreaming.

There’s no going back, Joshua. There’s never any going back.

Finn sighed. “C’mon, Liz, you need to—”

“Uh-uh. I need my coat.”

“What? You’re not driving.”

She laughed again. “Stupid. We’re going to the beach!”

“I don’t think so.”

“C’mon, Ali dared me to paddle barefoot!”

Joshua turned away from the window. “Liz, it’s literally freezing out.”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m smokin’ hot.” She twitched a drunken eyebrow at Finn. “Right, babe?”

“Right, but—”

“Uh-uh.” She stopped his words with a finger to his lips. “No buts, Finn Callaghan. You know me, I don’t take no for an answer.” Pushing away from him, she disappeared into the living room.

Finn watched her go with a frown. “Guess I’d better go with her, make sure she’s okay.”

What Joshua wanted to do was go home, but everyone was so drunk he wasn’t comfortable letting them walk down to the beach unescorted.

The path was steep, with a scramble over the rocks at the bottom—it wasn’t safe.

So he tagged along behind them as Liz led the way out into the freezing night.

Sean and Tejana stayed at the house to mind Matt, who was asleep in one of the guest rooms, while Dee dozed on the sofa.

The night was bitter, but at least it was bright. A huge moon hung over the water, blanching everything silver as Liz, Ali and Lexa laughed and jostled their way down the path. The cold, Joshua hoped, might sober them up—hopefully before Liz got frostbite in her toes.

“I really think this is a bad idea,” he called as they clambered across the rocks.

“Come on, Newt,” Liz yelled over her shoulder, “live a little! Whoo!” The moonlight caught her dark hair where she stood on the rocks, transforming her into something wild and beautiful.

In that moment, Joshua understood what Finn saw in her free spirit and it gutted him that she was everything he could never be.

Jumping onto the sand, Liz ran toward the dark ocean, Ali and Lexa on her heels. Finn cursed sotto voce as he stomped after them. “Hold up!” he shouted. “Liz, wait up!”

Clambering down from the wet rocks, Joshua followed them to the water’s edge.

The view was breathtaking: moonlight limned the black waves in silver, golden light spilling from the homes around the bay, and the starry sky glittering.

He glanced along the beach toward the gap in the dunes at the end of Sandy Lane.

He could walk home from here in ten minutes.

He could be inside where it was warm and safe, far from Finn and Liz.

His chest ached with sudden longing, eyes prickling in the freezing air.

He wanted to be home so badly. He wanted Finn to be with him even more. Stupid fool.

Liz screeched as she pulled off her boots and danced barefoot on the freezing sand.

“Liz,” Finn complained, “this is a dumb idea. Ali—find another dare, this isn’t—”

“I’m doing it!” Liz laughed and darted away from them into the white foam on the foreshore. “Crap, crap, crap !” she squealed as her feet hit the water. “Fucking fuck, it’s cold!”

Everyone laughed. Even Finn gave a grim smile as he huddled into his coat, turning away from the bitter onshore wind.

“Liz, get outa there!” Joshua called, and he didn’t care that he sounded like a killjoy. “C’mon, you’ll make yourself sick.”

“No, no! Oh fuck!” She laughed. “Okay, I’m gonna jump a wave. It’s not that cold!”

“Liz, no!” Finn snapped the words, barked them like a command.