Page 30

CHAPTER 30

NATE

My crush on River sort of happened overnight. One day, we were fucking a puck bunny, our cocks buried inside her stretched-out pussy—nothing out of the ordinary. Just another wild night. A lot of beer, lube, and a box of condoms.

Our eyes locked for a split second, long enough to see the desire in his eyes. I shook it off as nothing. We were both drunk and high on life. But a thrill rushed through me when I noticed him watching me again. I liked it and didn't understand why.

I didn’t want it to mean anything. Yet, I wanted to feel his body pressed down on mine. My cock inside his ass instead of a pussy.

I want him.

I need him.

I will have him.

After the game, I made a rash decision to leave without River. I ran home to burn off the nervous energy. Now I’m pacing across my bedroom floor, trying not to think about River.

Tonight, I need to be alone.

If I hide until morning, maybe I can get my shit together. Forget all about these unwanted feelings for River.

Before I left the locker room, I peeked at River in the shower, willing my cock to behave. The water crested over his nipples and slithered down his chiseled abs as he tipped his head back to wash his hair. My eyes went straight to his cock hanging between his thick thighs. Anymore, he gets me all riled up, ready to fuck, and desperate for more.

I hate this.

The need.

The cravings.

I can’t fuck my best friend without destroying us. River is too sensitive for us to have sex and forget about it. This is nothing more than curiosity, a strange fascination I must snuff from my brain.

My fingers itch to grab the remote and turn on a porno. I’m going crazy not making or watching porn… or having sex.

Fuck, I miss the release.

I turn on the TV, about to surf through my porn collection, when my cell phone rings.

Fuck, not now .

Why does my dad call when I want to punch something? Conversations with my old man rarely go well. The last one ended with me losing five million dollars and him threatening to take my trust fund away.

I lean against the headboard, stretching my long legs across the mattress, and answer the phone.

“Explain the video,” my dad drawls, his Texan accent thicker when he raises his voice. “Why are you confessing to having an addiction?”

“Dad,” I groan. “That video was taken out of context. I don’t have an addiction.”

“I will squash this. Just tell me the truth.”

“I’m not an addict,” I fire back at him. “Have I done drugs or drink? Sure. So have most college students. But it’s not serious. Promise.”

“Then what the fuck were you mumbling about on that video? Why were you hugging River, looking on the verge of tears?”

“I wasn’t,” I snap. “Fuck. Any asshole on the internet can use someone’s face, voice, and likeness to make shit up. It’s called a deepfake. Look it up.”

He breathes into the receiver. “I’m not in the mood for this shit, Nathaniel.”

I know you like this, Nathaniel. You get so hard for me .

“Stop fucking calling me that!”

Whenever her voice enters my mind, my stomach cramps. Every inch of my skin feels like it’s peeling from my bones. I close my eyes and block out her voice, attempt to forget about those awful fucking nightmares.

“It’s your name,” Dad shouts.

“No, it’s fucking not. Don’t call me again.”

I end the call and toss the phone across the room. It hits the wall and lands by the open closet. A second later, someone knocks on my door.

I throw a pillow at the door. “Fuck off!”

“It’s just me,” River says, his voice deep and smooth. “Let me in, Nate.”

“No.”

“Stop being a dick,” he growls. “Open this damn door before I break it down.”

“Get lost, Riv. I want to be alone.”

“I don’t care.” He bangs on the wood. “I will kick this fucking thing down if you don’t get off your ass?—”

I yank him inside the room before he can finish his thought and push him against the closed door. “What do you want?”

River scowls. “You left me.”

“So? Do you need me to walk you home? You’re not my fucking girlfriend.”

“Nate, stop.” His hands slide up my chest, awakening my cock. “You’re mad. I get it. Tell me what you need.”

“I need you to go away.”

Liar .

To prove my point, I turn away from him, but River comes up behind me.

He hooks his arms around my middle, chin resting on my shoulder. “I’m sorry about what I said in the locker room. I know this is hard for you.”

I sigh. “It is.”

“I’m proud of you.”

His words bring a smile to my face. “I haven’t had sex in forever… and I’m only jerking off once a day. I deserve a reward.”

River groans. “Nate, you have to follow the program. It will work if you stick with it.”

“You get to have sex,” I fire back at him, spinning around to face him. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“I haven’t been with anyone since Samantha.” He places his hands on my shoulders, our lips so close we could touch. “You want a reward?”

I bob my head.

River holds out his palm, wiggling his long fingers. “Show me your journal.”

Oh god .

Not this shit again .

Ignoring his request, I sit on the bed and grab the remote, flicking through the channels.

River stands between my spread thighs. “Dr. Swanson asked you to write down your sexual thoughts for a reason.”

Bored with the selection, I turn off the TV and look up at him. “I’ve been writing in the journal all day.”

His thumb brushes my cheek, a smile on his face. “Please let me see.”

“It’s embarrassing.” A blush dusts my cheeks, heat spreading down my neck. “I wrote stuff that… I’m trying to work it out. I don’t want you to see it yet.”

“Did you write about me?”

I nod, keeping my expression vacant, afraid he will see the truth on my face.

“I’ll make you a deal,” River says. “If you let me read your journal, we can jerk off together.”

Most people would be annoyed by his intrusive behavior. But River is not like most people, and we have never kept secrets from each other.

I lift an eyebrow at him. “Will you touch my dick?”

River nibbles on his bottom lip, grabbing the growing bulge in his pants. “Only if you touch mine.”

Because I might be losing my mind, I lean forward and grip his hips, breathing in his scent—a spicy soap and his usual musky cologne. He doesn’t stop me from basking in his essence, lost in his feel and smell.

I shove up his fitted T-shirt a few inches and let my lips brush across the waistband of his pants. River lets out a guttural sound.

“Fuck, Nate.” His skin pebbles with tiny bumps, and then his fingers are weaving through my hair. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

I stick out my tongue and roll it over his warm skin. “Tell me how bad you want me, Riv. I’m not stupid. You’ve been getting off to me long before I started sending you videos.”

Choking down his fear, he clears his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I breathe on his soft skin, right over his nipple. “Yes, you do.”

“Fuck,” he whispers. “That feels good.”

I lick his nipple, and he hisses. “I watch you, too. It’s not one-sided.”

As I peel my lips from his body, he shivers and scrubs a hand over his jaw.

“I’ll let you read my journal… But I want more from you.”

“Like what?”

“I have a lot of questions.” I rise from the bed, yanking at the ends of my short, blond hair. “How long have you been into men? Are you gay? Bi? Pan? You know, stuff like that, I guess.”

River gets in my face, our lips nearly touching. “I have fantasized about you fucking me for years. What I feel for you goes beyond a crush. Or a fantasy. I want you, Nate, but you will never want me. Not like that.”

He has no idea.

My best friend is so cute and clueless. Every night for months, I have jerked off to videos of River. A few times, I even got hard looking at old pictures of River shirtless and wearing bathing suit trunks.

Memories of our summer vacations flood my mind. I think of all the holidays and trips we have taken together and the years we lived together, sharing everything .

I skim my fingers on his forearm, directly over the tattoo mirroring mine, an infinity symbol showing our everlasting bond. “It just took me longer to see it.”

His eyes lower to my finger tracing over his ink. “Nate, I… I don’t understand. Are you gay?”

I shake my head. “I still like women.”

“I think I’m gay,” he says, and I can see the relief rolling off him in waves. His shoulders sink as his chest deflates.

“Really? But you like fucking girls.”

River backs me into the desk until my legs hit the wood. My body responds immediately to his dirty words. I reach down to touch myself over my pants, and he smirks.

He pushes on my shoulder, forcing me to sit on the desk, and knocks open my legs with his knee. “I dream about you licking my asshole. Shoving your fingers inside me, working my inner walls until I come in your mouth.”

My mouth falls open, and for once, I’m speechless.

He stands between my thighs and clutches my chin. “I have dreamed of having you in every way possible, Nate. And I’m ninety percent sure I’m gay.”

“Since when?” I choke out, still shocked by his speech.

“Always,” he says without hesitation. “I knew for sure the first time we jerked off together. I stared at your dick the entire time.”

I feel a range of emotions, starting with surprise, moving on to confusion and fear, and then sadness before settling on excitement. At least I read him correctly. All the signs were there, ready for me to take my head out of my ass.

“I figured you were bisexual after I caught you watching gay porn. And you get off to my videos every night. I didn’t want to push you to tell me. But I knew.”

River shrugs. “I feared losing you. I was afraid saying the words aloud would change us.”

Taking his hand in mine, I rub the pad of my thumb over his knuckles. “I felt it the first time we were both inside Samantha.” I lick my lips at the memory, my dick twitching in response. “When I felt you coming and liked it, I knew something had changed in me. With us. But it probably happened sooner than that. I just didn’t notice it.”

River slides his hands up my chest, igniting a fire inside me. “Do you like other men?”

I shake my head. “Only you.”

“And you still want to fuck women?”

I nod.

His expression darkens, a storm cloud crossing over his handsome face, and then he steps back. “I can’t do this with you. Not unless you’re willing to go all in.”

“What’s the big deal? We’ve been fucking girls together for years. Passing them back and forth, taking turns. This is what we do. It’s who we are.”

“Not anymore.” River inches away, only partially holding my gaze. “I refuse to fuck another woman even if it means never touching you like that again.”

I rise from the desk and close the distance between us. As I step toward River, he moves backward. I continue advancing until he has nowhere to go.

Pushing him into the wall, I lean forward to kiss his lips. Let them brush for a second. His lips are soft, just as perfect as I had imagined. Most nights, I lay awake, fisting my cock and envisioning his kissable lips and how they would feel on every inch of my body.

I put my hands on both sides of his head, caging him against the wall. “Kiss me.”

He glances at my lips and then turns his head to the side as if it’s too painful to look at me. “No.”

“I need to know why I feel this way.” Gripping his chin, I steal his gaze back to me. “Why do I have these cravings?”

“I can’t answer that question for you. It took me years to come to terms with my sexuality, which is why I have to protect myself from getting hurt.”

“I would never hurt you.”

River shakes his head. “You might not mean to, but if you change your mind about us, it will wreck me.”

I take his hand and hold it over my jeans so he can feel my hard cock. “Only you can help me with this.”

“I need time to think. To clear my head.” He ducks under my arm and heads toward the door, teasing me with his tight ass. “I’m going for a run. Don’t follow me.”

“Run away, River,” I shout as he exits my room. “You’re good at doing that.”