Page 21

CHAPTER 21

NATE

I wake up to River poking me in the shoulder with his finger. A golden glow rings around his face. He looks like an angel. The sun shines on his cheek, making his skin appear even more golden.

Am I dreaming?

“Get up, Nate.”

Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I look up at him. Shirtless and wearing mesh basketball shorts slung low on his hips, he folds his arms across his muscular chest.

He looks good.

Really fucking hot.

Did I hit my head?

Maybe this is a dream.

I sit up, leaning back on my elbows, still unsure if he’s real.

You tasted his cum last night.

And liked it.

You let him jerk you to completion.

And loved it.

You are a fucking idiot .

One hundred percent true.

My addiction has reached an all-time low. I promised River that once I started crossing the line, I would seek help.

It’s time.

Propped up against a stack of pillows, I run a hand through my messy, blond hair.

River sits on the bed beside me. “You slept through your alarm.”

“Did I?” I glance at the nightstand. “Do you have my phone?”

He hands it to me. “I put Dr. Swanson’s number in your Contacts. Call her before we leave for class.”

My heart races at the thought of rehashing the past with a stranger. The last time I trusted a shrink, she told my parents everything. To this day, my mom still looks at me with pity in her eyes. And my dad? I can’t even place the vacant look, but it makes me sick to my stomach.

“Last night,” I say in a hushed tone, knowing the walls in this house are paper thin. “Did I…”

“What?”

I press my lips together, thinking about how to phrase my question without sounding like a jackass.

“Just say it, Nate,” he says after a long, awkward silence.

“Did I make you uncomfortable last night? You know, when we got home.”

There, I said it .

All night, I thought about how I dismissed River after I used his hand for my pleasure. I kicked him out of my bedroom because I couldn’t deal with liking the taste of his cum.

River drums his fingers on the mattress as if hearing an imaginary beat in his head, focused on the wall. “No, I wasn’t uncomfortable. I just wish you could get your urges under control. What we’ve been doing is confusing to me.”

I scroll through my Contacts and find the doctor’s name. “I’m calling her now. Okay?”

He nods, waiting for me to follow through.

Raising the phone to my ear, I hear a woman’s flowery voice on the second ring. I explain my issue and schedule an appointment for the end of the week. Then, she asks if she can put me on hold. River studies my face as I chew the inside of my cheek.

He takes my hand in his to stop me from fidgeting. Just the feel of his calloused skin against mine settles my nerves. River is all I need. Fuck talking to quacks about my shitty childhood. No one can calm me down like him.

River traces a circle on my hand, and it sends a shock to my nervous system, telling it to chill the fuck out. “Is everything okay?”

I blow out a breath of air and nod. “I’m on hold.”

When she returns, the woman says, “I just had a cancellation today. Would three o’clock work for you, Mr. Brooks?”

“One second,” I tell her before muting the call. “Can you come with me this afternoon?”

“I can move around a meeting I had scheduled. No big deal.”

“I can go later this week. They have another opening.”

He shakes his head. “No, you’re going today. With me. Say yes before she gives it to someone else.”

I unmute the call and accept the appointment for this afternoon. After I hang up, River is gripping my hand for dear life. Like he’s afraid I will run away. I might if the nerves don’t eat me alive. I have the rest of the day to freak out over going to the doctor’s office—to tell her my horror story.

Yay! Can’t fucking wait.

“I know you’re scared,” River says to break the silence. “But I’ll be right by your side.”

When we were kids, I taught River how to stand up for himself when older kids gave him shit. Then, I showed him how to shoot a gun. How to shave. How to be a man. That was one thing my father passed down to me. My ability to get things done without anyone’s help.

River usually follows my lead. But now, I need him to be the aggressor. To hold my hand and make sure I don’t fall apart. I need him to make this day bearable.

“Get in the shower.” He drops my hand on the bed. “We have class in thirty minutes. And I want to stop and get coffee.”

I slide my long legs off the bed and raise my arms above my head. Stretching out my muscles, I yawn, not ready to start the day. I slept horribly last night. Tossing and turning, flipping from one nightmare to the next.

The bad dreams always find me.

It’s impossible to run from my past.