Page 24

CHAPTER 24

NATE

Dr. Swanson hit the nail on the fucking head. Damn, this woman is good. She peeled back all of my damaged layers, exposing my worst fear.

Losing River.

My heart pounds so fast that I grab the arm of the couch for support. River is too far away. He’s on his respective side when I fucking need him here.

Touching me.

Making me feel better.

That’s his job.

Fuck, I’m needy .

I don’t like the distance, so I scoot closer. River seems to notice and meets me halfway. He always knows what I need. Even when he’s pissed at me, he never denies me.

I squeeze his fingers, holding his hand on the couch. He mimics my gesture, a sad look in his green eyes. Watching me lose my mind hurts him. He rarely expresses his feelings since I’m already such a disaster. But there have been times when I cried in his arms, and he held me tighter, a sob escaping his throat.

“Do you feel triggered knowing River could leave you?” Dr. Swanson asks, bringing my focus back to her face.

For a moment, I ponder her question. The answer is so fucking obvious. River knows what’s up. He doesn’t say the words aloud, knowing they will gut me. One day, he will go where I can’t follow. Our lives are mapped out for us, inevitably pulling us apart.

I nod. “I dread River going off on his own. We’ve been together for ten years and haven’t spent more than a week apart.”

Dr. Swanson taps the pen on her notepad, lips pressed into a thin line. “How does it make you feel? Be specific.”

Are you kidding?

I feel everything .

“Angry. Scared. Alone. Like I need to do something.” My fingers drum on my knee to an imaginary beat. “I have to keep my body and mind in motion… or get lost in my thoughts.”

“Does River moving away make you want to have sex? Watch porn?”

“Yes,” I admit and swallow the lump lodged in my throat. “Lately, I have needed to do it with River. I couldn’t even get hard the other night after he left. But I wanted to fuck. My skin felt like it was going to melt if I didn’t have an orgasm.”

“How did you get back in the mood?”

My cheeks heat at the memory. “I watched a video of River and me with Samantha.”

Her expression gives away nothing. Most people would be disgusted by my admission. Instead of judging me, she moves on to the next question.

“What about the video helped you?”

“I don’t know.” I roll my shoulders against the couch. “The memory, I guess.”

Her gaze snaps to River. “You’re essentially in a relationship with Nate but without any benefits. How has this impacted your life?” When he doesn’t respond, she says, “I’m not trying to pry into your personal life. I want to understand how much Nate’s compulsions impact those around him. A little insight would help to treat him.”

River’s fingers brush mine as he clears his throat. “And this is all covered under the NDA?”

She nods. “I’m also bound to doctor-patient confidentiality. I won’t disclose our sessions. Not unless I think Nate is endangering himself or others.”

“Do you think he’s a danger?”

“No,” she says without hesitation.

River lets out a deep breath. “I’ve never had a girlfriend. Never been on a date, not unless you count the Sundays I spend with Nate. Until recently, I hadn’t realized we’ve been doing that. Dating but without any benefits.”

He glances at me, his eyes watery. A brief pause passes as we stare at each other, using our unspoken bond to communicate. Without words, I know what he’s thinking.

River loves me.

He hates that I feel like this.

He wants me to get better.

I need him to keep talking for me, so I tip my head at the doctor and tap my fingers on his hand.

River shifts on the cushion and looks at Dr. Swanson. “I have no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship with anyone but Nate. When things with us first started, I did nothing to stop him because I was a horny teenager and wanted sex just as much as he did. But now… It’s getting old. I walked out on Nate and Samantha on Saturday because I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

My heart cracks in two. If he were to stop… I can’t even think about what I would do. River is my lifeline, the oxygen I need to breathe.

Dr. Swanson clears her throat, sitting straighter in the chair. “Does your arrangement have rules to keep Nate in line?”

River thinks over her question, deep in thought. I can see the shame on his face, the same shame I feel daily.

What am I doing to him?

By hurting myself, I’m bringing my best friend down with me. Thank fuck we’re here. Even though this sucks, maybe the doctor can cure me.

“He’s only allowed to have sex with one girl at a time,” River explains, yanking his hand away to cross his arms over his chest. “We decided on this arrangement because of the last sex tape that almost got leaked. It cost Nate five million dollars to cover it up. And that wasn’t the first time.”

“So, the threat of exposure led to your new rules?” Dr. Swanson asks.

“Yes.”

“When it comes to River, you don’t seem to have an issue committing,” she says, studying my face as if searching the depths of my broken soul. “When he asked you only to have sex with one woman for his safety, you agreed. And you kept that promise. Why?”

“Easy. Because I don’t want him to get hurt because of me.”

A frown pulls at River’s mouth. “Whenever we find new girls, he turns it into a game. Like we’re hunting prey. When, not if he loses interest, he tosses them to the curb and moves to the next one.”

Dr. Swanson takes more notes. “How long do the women stick around?”

I sink into the couch and bury my face in the decorative pillow. A scream is on my tongue, ready to explode from my chest. But I force myself to stay calm. To take those fucking breaths.

“One night,” River says when I don’t respond, still hiding behind the pillow like a coward. “A week. A month. It depends if Nate likes them or not. And if they’re willing to do more extreme stuff.”

She tucks the notepad between her thigh and the chair, drawing my attention to her legs. For a woman her age, she’s toned in all the right places.

Stop it, Nate!

“Do you have repeats with any of the girls?”

Her voice snaps me back to reality, commanding me to look at her face instead of wandering between her legs.

“Once we let them go, no.” This from River. “It’s on to the next one.”

“We’ve had sex with so many women, I’ve lost count.” I toss the pillow behind my back and gulp down the anxiety, clawing at my throat. “I can’t even remember most of their names.”

“If you had to guess, how many women have you had sex with?”

Do you have a calculator?

I glance at River, hoping he can supply an answer. He bites his lip. Either he’s embarrassed or just as clueless as me. Half the time, we were drunk off our asses. Other times, I was high and on another planet.

“I don’t know. But Samantha is our longest,” River says. “Until Saturday night, we were with her for two months. I think she’s in love with us… Which is another reason it’s time to let her go. We’ve been leading her on for too long when there’s no future for her with us.”

She looks at me. “How about you, Nate? Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with Samantha?”

“Romantic? No.” I snicker. “Sexual? Yes. But if River’s out, we can find another girl.”

“No,” River growls at me. “I don’t want to do this. Period. I feel nothing . I’m so dead on the inside and hate myself for feeding your addiction. She’s just another girl, the same as it’s been since we were fourteen. I’m sick of this shit.”

My eyes widen at his confession. I thought he was mad Saturday night and needed to let off some steam. Yet, he’s ripping my fucking heart open and gutting me with his words. He can’t stop, not when I need him.

“What am I supposed to do?”

He leans forward on the couch and tugs at the ends of his dark hair. “You can have sex with women without me there.”

No, I can’t, not anymore .

“What if I don’t want to?”

He turns his head away, eyes on the wall. “I’m not giving you a choice.”

The most awkward silence of my life clings to the air. River stares at his shoes, fingers working through his hair as he sighs.

I slide my hand onto his knee. “Riv, talk to me.”

He tosses my hand away.

My heart can’t take much more. After years of gluing me back together, River is done with me. I have finally pushed him over the edge, and if I don’t change, he will accept a deal with a team far away from me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m fucking sorry, Riv. I wish I weren’t like this.”

His lips part, and for the first time in years, I have no idea what he wants to say. He zips his mouth shut and closes his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose, sucking in those breaths I have been taking for the past hour.

Dr. Swanson glances at her watch. “Depending on your schedules, we can meet again next week.”

River rises from the couch and smoothes a hand down his pants. “Our schedules are pretty packed. But we’ll be here. Just tell us when.”

He hasn’t given up on me.

Thank fuck .

“Until next time, Nate, I want you to reduce your overindulgence in sex and pornography. Try to limit it as much as possible.”

I scowl at her. “I can’t jerk off?”

“Masturbation is okay at an acceptable level.”

“I jerk off once a day,” River interjects. “Is that considered acceptable?”

She nods. “Yes. But for Nate, even once daily could lead to more compulsions.”

“I can’t quit cold turkey, Doc. I’m a man.”

“Your gender is irrelevant,” she says as we walk toward the door. “All human beings have desires. It’s how we choose to satisfy them that matters.”

“So, when can I have sex?”

Instead of answering the most critical question, she says, “I want you to keep a journal of your thoughts. Record every time you get the urge to have sex, watch porn, masturbate, or engage in any destructive behavior. Try to be specific. Write down why you feel that way and if something triggered you.”

I consider her suggestion and immediately dismiss it. “If I write down every sexual thought, my hand will fall off by the end of day one. And then, I won’t be able to play hockey.”

Or with my dick .

River groans beside me. “I’ll make sure he does it.”

“To be clear, Doc, can I jerk off?”

“Once a day,” she says but seems conflicted by her response. “If you feel the need. But no more than that. And no watching pornography. No more making home movies.”

“How do you expect me to get off?”

“Use your imagination,” River says, tugging on my hand as she opens the door for us.

After we say our goodbyes, River drags me out of the office. I squeeze his long fingers on the elevator ride to the ground floor and all the way to the parking lot, draining the life from his knuckles.

He lets go when we’re standing at his car.

No, don’t leave me .

“River?”

He must see the look in my eyes because he pulls me into his arms, stroking his fingers down my back. “I got you, Nate.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Never.”

His nose burrows into my neck, and I tilt my head to the side to give him better access. I love the feel of his skin pressed to mine. The sounds he makes when he sniffs me. For years, he’s done this when we hug.

It’s like River is scenting his mate.

If I could choose anyone as my forever person, it would be River. I hate being apart from him. Any distance, even during classes, annoys the fuck out of me.

River is mine.

Why do I like the sound of that?

I’m so damn confused. Lately, it seems my sexuality is dangling by a thread. I mean, I know for a fact I’m not gay. Women are the best. They smell good and look pretty when they get dressed up. And I love when my cock disappears into a nice, tight pussy.

Yet, I need River to hold me together, to keep me from drowning in a sea of darkness.

I’m not gay.

But I am for River.