Page 50 of Make Me Trust Again (Bluebonnet Creek #3)

CHAPTER THIRTY

CHASE

“How have you been doing, Chase?”

I lift my shoulders in a shrug, my muscles feeling tense. “Good.”

Dr. Quinn lifts his brow in a challenge. “I think the circles under your eyes would beg to differ. Or did you recently get into a fight?”

“I kind of wish it was a fight,” I mutter, running my hand over my face.

The snapshots from my nightmares play in my mind, the past and the present mixing together in a tight knot to the point that some days I don’t know what’s real and what’s not until the very last moment.

Until I see her, and then the terror I have never felt paralyzes me, making me wake up in a cold sweat.

Even thinking about it now makes my heart race and sweat coats my palms.

“Chase?”

I blink, my fingers squeezing around the handles of the chair. I force myself to loosen my hold and look up to find Dr. Quinn’s serious dark eyes watching me intently across the desk. “Yeah?”

“I asked if you’re having trouble sleeping again?”

“I—” I suck in a long breath. “Yeah.”

Dr. Quinn nods slowly. “The anniversary is just around the corner, so I can’t say I’m surprised.

It’s bound to bring up memories.” He taps his pen against his notebook.

Every so often, I see him scribble something down, but I try not to think too much about it.

“Have you tried taking any of the medications?”

I shake my head immediately. “I hate that shit. Makes me feel sluggish.”

I tried taking some of the medication in the beginning, hoping it would make me feel better, but no matter what we tried, nothing seemed to help with the nightmares, and it only made my depression worse in those early days.

Then again, the alcohol probably didn’t help either. Now I’m steering clear of it all.

“You need sleep, Chase.”

“I know, it’s just…” I pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling the tiredness looming. “A lot’s been going on.”

Dr. Quinn tilts his head to the side. “A lot?”

Dammit, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.

I work my jaw as I try to come up with something to say.

My leg’s bouncing, the walls of the room feeling like they’re closing in on me.

Placing my hands on the armrest, I push to my feet, a jab of pain goes through my leg as I walk around the chair and make my way to the window overlooking the busy Austin streets.

“The nightmares, they’re not just about what happened back then.”

“What are they about then?” Dr. Quinn asks, his voice sounding distant.

“I mean, they are about what happened, but at the same time, they aren’t. Not really.”

It’s all your fault.

I push down the knot that’s formed in my throat, my voice coming out tight.

“It’s always the same, I’m back in the desert, there is an explosion, my whole squad is dead, Lucas is bleeding all over me.

I’m trying to save him, get him help, but it’s useless.

I’m useless. But when I fall, it’s not Lucas I’m carrying.

It’s her. She’s there, bleeding in my arms, her lifeless eyes staring at me.

I can’t save her, just like I couldn’t save any of them. ”

The memory of Rose’s cold skin and empty eyes staring up at me sends an icy shiver down my spine.

Another quirk of the brow. “She?”

“Don’t act dumb.” I narrow my eyes at him. “I’ve been…” My words trail off as I try to find the best way to phrase my thoughts, “…seeing somebody.”

There is a little twitch on the old man’s face as if he wants to smile but is refusing to. “You? Seeing somebody?” He crosses his legs, that damn pad slipping to the side. “Tell me about her.”

Seriously?

“She’s…” An image of Rose’s smiling face pops into my mind. “Courageous. Fearless. Stubborn, and so damn smart. She’s been through some shit these past few months, and yet, she’s never lost her spark. Never lost the light . ”

“She seems like quite a woman.”

“She is,” I agree. “She has a kid. His name is Kyle. The kid is relentless. Kept coming around to see Shadow, although he was terrified of her at first.” The corner of my mouth tips upward.

Shadow lifts her head at the sound of her name, so I rest my hand on her neck. “He’s a good kid and so much like her.”

He quirks up his brow. “Kind of sounds like that unwanted neighbor of yours?”

“Just go ahead and tell me I told you so.”

“Me? Never.” Dr. Quinn hums softly, his face turning serious. “And you think you’re going to fail her?”

His question is like a bucket of icy water tossed over my head. “What do you think? She sees me as some kind of hero, but that’s all bullshit. I failed my family. I failed my friend. I failed my squad. I will fail her. It’s just a matter of time. That’s what I do.”

“Is that so? And here I thought what happened out there was a planned attack on our army that took five lives as casualties and wounded one. One wounded soldier who did everything in his power to bring one of his brothers back home.”

“What was the point?” I yell back, my voice coming out raw. “What was the point of it all? I brought him back just to lay him six feet underground!”

“I don’t think his family sees it that way.”

I shake my head. “It should have been me.”

“But it wasn’t you. And until you accept that, you won’t be able to move on with your life.

What happened that day was an accident. A horrible accident caused by hate and war.

You didn’t fail anybody, Chase. They’re gone, but you’re still here, and you deserve to live and be happy. They would want that for you.”

I press my lips together.

“What I think is that they’d want to be alive and with their families.”

It’s not long after that that we wrap up our session. My muscles are still tense as I make my way to the garage, ready to get the hell out of here. I’m just slipping into my truck when my phone buzzes. I scan the caller ID before connecting the call. “Thorn, it’s been a long time.”

A deep chuckle greets me from the other end of the line. “Only because you’re too lazy to pick up the phone. You home?”

“In an hour or so.”

“Good. Text me where to meet you.”

The Hut is full of people when I slip inside, the loud music making the ringing in my ears worse. A few heads turn in my direction immediately, mouths gaping when they spot Shadow. The hair at my nape stands at attention from all the gazes that are fixed on me.

Trying my best to ignore them, I scan the space, searching for a familiar face as I walk through the dimly lit bar, all the way to the back, until I spot a blond head in the last booth.

As if he can feel my gaze, he looks up, a wide smile spreading over his face when he spots me.

“Long time no see, man.” Justin gets up from the booth and pulls me into a one-armed hug just as the loud cheering spreads through the room.

My muscles go rigid for a second, but I force myself to relax and clap him on the shoulder. “Good to see you, Thorn. What brings you around?”

Pulling back, we take our seats at the booth.

“Work.” Justin grins. “Then I remembered your sorry ass lived around here, so I figured I might as well reach out.” His piercing brown eyes connect with mine as he takes me in. “How long has it been? Two years? Three?”

I lift my brow at him. “You getting sentimental in your old age, Thorn?”

“Fuck off, Williams. I’m in my prime.”

The corner of my mouth lifts slightly. “So you’d like to think. You’re what? Well into your forties now?”

Justin Thorn and I met during my first tour.

He’s a few years older than me and he was my unit commander at the time before they transferred him to a different location.

But we’ve stayed in touch over the years.

He’s a good man, a good friend, who helped us deal in those first days out in the desert.

“Excuse you, I’m only thirty-nine. Like I said, my prime. And I can see that you’re still the brat you were at eighteen.” Justin tips his chin in my direction, his expression turning serious. “How you doing? It’s been a while since?—”

Before he can finish, the waitress comes by our table and leaves a beer for Justin. He thanks her, and I place my order. We wait for her to leave before Justin glances back at me, his brow lifting.

“Fine.”

He takes a sip of his beer, but the look he shoots my way tells me he isn’t buying it one bit. “How’s the leg?”

I shrug. “Still attached to my body.”

“Still a moody bastard, I see.” Justin scoffs.

“Yeah, well, as we established, some things never change, now do they? A better question is, how are you doing?”

“Same ol’, same ol’.” Justin sprawls in his seat, leaning his arm against the back of the booth. “Back on home soil. Hopefully, it stays that way. I’m getting tired of all the moving.”

“Old, like we’ve established.”

He shoots me a death glare, but just then, the waitress comes from behind me. My body stiffens as she leans down to place my Coke in front of me, her strong perfume invading all of my senses.

As quickly as she came, she scurries off again, and Justin tips his chin in my direction. “So, how is it being back home? Charming small town.”

My fingers curl around the glass. “As you can imagine.”

“C’mon, it can’t be that bad.”

“It’s a small town. A lot of nosy people.”

Curious glances have been following me since the moment I stepped into The Hut.

I can still feel them on the back of my head, making me squirm in my seat.

I hate sitting with my back to the room.

One of the first lessons we were taught when we joined the military was to always stay on high alert, always be aware of your surroundings.

That’s hard when you have your back to everybody, and your hearing is for shit.

“Remind me again, why couldn’t you stop at my place?”

“How would I be able to check out all the gorgeous women in this town then?” Thorn smirks.

My brow quirks up. “Aren’t you married?”

Thorn grunts his acknowledgment. “Got divorced a few years ago. She decided that this life is too much for her. Couldn’t even blame her, hell, some days it’s too much for me.”

“Amen to that.”