Page 31 of Make Me Trust Again (Bluebonnet Creek #3)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHASE

Placing the shattered tiles into a bucket, I lift it and go for the back door, so I can toss it. I’m just exiting the door when a voice startles me. I spin on my heels, my heart beating wildly, muscles tense, only to find Kyle standing on my porch.

“Dammit, kid.”

Kyle’s eyes go wide. “You said a bad word.”

That’s what he’s focusing on?

“Mom says we shouldn’t say bad words because they hurt people.”

Then again, considering I’ve seen Rose when she was upset with Kyle, I guess I could see how that was a scarier option.

Shifting my grip on the bucket, I lift my hand and run it over my face, forcing my muscles to relax. “Well, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.”

“I said, hey.”

Yeah, I guess he did. Only I was too stuck in my own head to notice it, something that had proven in the past just how dangerous it could be.

Then why are you still letting him be around?

A loud bark snaps me out of my thoughts.

Shadow rushes from inside the house, where she was snoozing, hiding away from all the noises, and runs into Kyle. A smile flashes on the boy’s face as the dog starts licking him in greeting, as if she hadn’t seen him in years. Kyle giggles as he hugs her and rubs her fur.

I take him in. He seems completely fine, the same happy boy he was before he left to spend the weekend with his father, and some of the weight that’s been sitting on my shoulders loosens.

“I missed you, too, Shadow. But now I’m home, so we can play together again.”

Shadow hears “play” and dashes to find her ball immediately.

I make my way to the old long feed trough I placed outside and empty the bucket. When I turn around, I find Shadow running after the ball. Kyle turns to me. “Can I play with her?”

I quirk my brow at him. “Aren’t you a bit late in asking that?”

Kyle’s cheeks turn pink. “I guess so, but I still asked, so that counts.”

His serious tone makes me huff out in laughter. “Sounds good, kid.”

Slipping inside, I gather another bucket of debris and take it out.

“What are you doing?” Kyle points to the bucket as I’m going back inside.

“Working.”

“Working on what?”

This kid, seriously.

“I’m remodeling the bathroom.”

That has him rolling his eyes. “You’re always remodeling something.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Well, it’s an old house.”

“I guess.” He shrugs. “Can I see?”

Before I can say anything, he’s already walking inside.

Shaking my head, I follow after him. His eyes widen when he enters the half-destructed bathroom.

“You made a big mess.”

I look around the room. The kid isn’t wrong.

So far, I’ve only taken out one wall of tiles and the bathtub, so there’s a lot more to go.

There is dust and parts of tiles everywhere.

The whole thing was a bitch to deal with, but that didn’t cross my mind when I woke up, drenched in sweat at 3 a.m. after another nightmare.

It was the worst one in the last few weeks, and I knew the only way I could silence the voices in my head was if I channeled my anger into something physical, and this time, a simple walk wouldn’t cut it.

“Where are you going to shower?” Kyle’s question snaps me out of my thoughts.

I clear my throat. “There is another bathroom upstairs.”

“That’s good. Otherwise, you’d have to go around stinky like this.” His nose furrows as he glances at the tiles. “How do you get these off?”

“I smash them with a hammer.”

Kyle looks at the hammer leaning against the wall, his eyes growing big in excitement. “Can I?—”

“No,” I say immediately, not even allowing him to finish. “Your mom would kill me if I let you do that.”

Kyle purses his lips unhappily. “But you’re doing it. Why can’t I help? You let me help with the kitchen.”

Dammit, I should have known that would come to bite me in the ass eventually.

“I’m big.” I give him a side eye. “Where is your mom? Does she even know you’re here?”

I should have probably asked that question when he first got here, but he caught me off guard.

“Home. She told me to go play outside because she’s busy.

She’s baking cookies for tomorrow. We’re going to a party.

” He tilts his head, his eyes lighting up.

“You should come. Mom said we’re going to the lake, and Levi will be there.

We go to school together. He’s my best friend. Who’s your best friend?”

His innocent question takes me back to the past. A past that is filled with pain and blood and broken promises.

I curl my fingers, digging my nails into my palm as I shove those memories back where they belong. Swallowing the knot that was stuck in my throat, I push the words out: “I’m not really a people person.”

Kyle blinks, clearly confused. “But I’m people, and you hang out with me.”

His words—his acceptance, really—make me pause. A part of me wishes I could be a kid again like him. Without a worry in the world. When things were easy, and my life wasn’t sullied by death and destruction.

“I guess you’re right about that.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be your friend.” He pats me on the arm. “So, does that mean you’ll come to the party? We get to swim in the lake and everything. You can hang out with Levi and me. There will be food and fireworks.”

Fireworks.

Shit.

Is it already the Fourth of July? The days have blended together, and I’ve completely lost track of time.

“Do you like fireworks? I love to see different colors and shapes in the sky, but Mom says they’re really loud and can be scary. I don’t really know because I can’t hear them.” He tilts his head and eyes me. “Can you hear them?”

“A little.” Absentmindedly, I crouch down and start shoveling more of the tiles into the bucket, but of course, Kyle joins me, still talking.

The shy kid who hid behind his mother that first day is completely gone; it makes me wonder if he was even there in the first place, or if I simply imagined it.

“So are you going to come?”

I let out a sigh and look up at him. “I’m not sure if that’s the best idea.”

“Oh…”

His face falls, and any excitement he was feeling disappears in the blink of an eye.

I feel like an asshole for rejecting him, but it’s for the best. Not only do I dislike being surrounded by people, but I also don’t enjoy being around fireworks.

Ever. It brings back memories that are better left buried.

Especially now, when they’re simmering just beneath the surface.

We fill the bucket in silence, and I take it out. Kyle is walking by my side, his head hanging low. Shadow, who has been waiting by the door, away from all the ruckus, joins us, the two of them taking a seat on the porch steps.

“Chase?”

Emptying the bucket, I turn around to find a serious expression on Kyle’s face.

He’s biting on his lip, his fingers crossing and uncrossing on his lap.

Whatever he wants to tell me is making him nervous.

Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, I wait for him to continue, only for his question to throw me completely off guard.

“Do you have a dad?”

His voice is so soft, for a second, I wonder if I heard him correctly. Kyle bites the inside of his cheek, slipping his palms under his legs as he waits for me to answer.

“I do,” I say tentatively, unsure of where he’s going with this.

“Where is he?”

“He’s…” My brows furrow as I try to find an easy way to explain it. “He’s gone.”

Kyle’s eyes widen in surprise, and is there some relief as well? “He left you?”

“Well, not really. He died when I was young,” I say, watching for his reaction.

Does he even know what it means? I hope not.

I didn’t know when I was his age. I didn’t understand it, not until we lost my dad.

Kyle’s brows furrow in confusion, but instead of trying to explain the concept of death, something I don’t even know how to put into words, at least not for a kid to comprehend, I change the subject. “Why do you ask?”

“All my friends have dads.”

Shit.

I have a feeling I know where this is going.

“Did your dad ever do stuff with you? Levi’s dad does. They build Legos, and watch movies, and he’s our football coach. And other dads come to our games. Was your dad like that?”

I nod, memories of my father that I thought I had forgotten long ago coming back to my mind.

How I’d help him fix stuff around the house or work with him on the ranch.

How even though he was tired after work, he’d help us finish our homework, and on Sundays we’d play board games all together.

I helped him build the tree house for Becky out in the woods, and we spent hours tossing the ball to Matthew, who was the most talented at sports out of all of us.

“Sometimes.” Blinking away the memories, I focus on Kyle. “He was very busy working.”

“Well, my dad is always busy,” Kyle mutters, that frown back on his face. “Mom said that he wanted me to come this weekend, and that he’s trying, but when we got to our old house, he left me with Billie like I’m some baby and didn’t come back.”

My jaw clenches, the anger at the man I barely know spiking to the surface. Here, Rose was crying herself to sleep the whole weekend because she missed her son, only for his father to ditch him with somebody else? What kind of man does that? What kind of father?

A shitty one, that’s what kind.

What do you know about fatherhood? The little voice at the back of my head asks. Your father died. Your siblings, whom you were supposed to raise, are both messed up. If you couldn’t do that right, better not even think about raising a human of your own.

I clench my fingers into a fist as the words ring in my head, and I can’t even fight them because they’re the truth.

“He hates me.”

Kyle’s gently spoken words snap me back to the present.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“He does,” Kyle yells, getting to his feet, his cheeks flushed in anger. “He hates me because I’m not normal. Not like all my other friends.”

I gently place my hand on his shoulder. “There is nothing wrong with you, Kyle.”

“Then why don’t you want to be my friend and come to the party with us?”

Fuck.

I’m messing this up on all fronts.

“Kyle…” I shake my head.

How the hell do I explain to a six-year-old that this isn’t about him, but about me? That I’m the messed-up one, and he shouldn’t rely on me because I’ll only end up disappointing him like I did everybody else?

Kyle shrugs off my hand and slips past me. “I thought we were friends.”

“Ky—”

My voice dies down as his back turns to me while he runs across the yard and back home. I run my palm over my face, my shoulders tense as I watch his back, effectively tuning me out, but I still can’t help but whisper.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s better this way.

Better to disappoint him now than let him get attached even more than he already is. God only knows why he’s done that in the first place. I sure as hell didn’t make it easy on him.

Letting my hand drop, I catch a glimpse of Shadow glaring at me before she, too, disappears after Kyle, and I can’t even blame her.