Page 45 of Longing for Liberty

THIRTY-FIVE

STATE NEWS: WORKER EXECUTED FOR HITTING DRONE: ASSAULT ON A DRONE IS THE SAME AS ASSAULT ON STATE FORCE!

The next morning, Kathy barely made eye contact when I came down to retrieve the basket.

It did feel strange walking into the room in a red skirt with a white silk blouse…

like, really strange. Like an interloper.

Was I wearing too much makeup? Were the shiny curls draped around my shoulders overkill?

I purposely came a little while after normal when I thought most of the maids would be gone.

But after an up-and-down glance from Kathy, who then pretended I didn’t exist, disgust washed through me…

not at her, at myself. I wasn’t one of them anymore. I mean, I was, but I wasn’t.

Maybe it would be better if someone delivered the basket in the mornings after all.

I thanked her quietly and walked back out, finding myself having to push back the reactive depression again.

I hadn’t expected to feel that today. I wouldn’t call Kathy a friend, but she’d become someone stable who I gained comfort from seeing each day, just from our small interactions.

I walked out into the sunny, nearly-perfect morning, back toward Eagle Tower.

The pathways weren’t as bustling as normal.

I felt a little paranoid being out here like this when I’d normally be inside working.

“Oh, Libby!” I turned to see Kathy moving toward me with a small bag. “Almost forgot to give you the shelled pecans Mr. Secretary requested.” She reached out and lifted the towel over the basket and put the bag in, covering it again, and then gave me an uncharacteristically fake smile.

“Thank you,” I said. My intuition was pinging, so I didn’t move.

“This is very important,” she said quietly with that weird smile stuck to her face. “Open the pecans when you are alone.”

My entire brain zapped with electricity, but I managed to nod.

“Be blessed,” I said to her.

“Same.”

She bustled away back into the maid’s office, and I turned on my new heels, my heart hammering.

What was in the bag of nuts? I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but that was hard not to do since Kathy had not given me the bag in the office where there were cameras.

She’d waited until we were outside, free of the building.

Something rang inside of me like a clear, glorious bell.

Was Kathy in the resistance?

It was too much to hope.

I forced myself to walk normally to the building.

I noticed with annoyance that fancy lady shoes were no more comfortable than worker heels.

Higher-up men in suits gave me a once-over before nodding their hellos.

The attention nearly gave me a heart attack.

I realized with minor shock that they must have thought I was an OM woman.

I hoped none of them tried to talk to me.

Inside the elevator, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I remembered the pecans.

Holy shit. What if Amos was there all day, bothering me?

What if he noticed the bag of nuts and went for them before I had a chance to look?

Maybe I could slip them into my purse to hide them until I was alone.

He didn’t usually look at or notice any of my “womanly” things.

When I walked in, it was quiet. Was he in the bathroom?

The thrum-thrum-thrum of my heart was steady and fast as I set down the basket.

No matter how many times I reminded myself that Amos said there were no cameras, I still had the constant feeling of being watched, so I kept my face and body controlled.

No crazy eyes darting around. Every moment was practice.

As casually as possible, I took out the bag of nuts and set them behind the basket, then unloaded everything else. Then I put the bag back in the basket under the crumpled towel. It looked empty, per usual, but I set it to the side with my purse on top just in case.

“Hello, Liberty.”

I spun, nearly coming out of my skin. Amos gave me his half-smirk. “Jumpy.”

A breathy laugh escaped me. “You’re so quiet.”

“What was in the basket?”

“Hm?” Oh God. My blood slowed so much I felt cold.

“For dinner?”

“Oh! Yes. I think pork chops and baked potatoes with a vegetable medley.”

“Nice.” He leaned down and kissed me slowly. “I’ve got meetings, but I’ll be back by five.”

I didn’t relax until he left, and I heard the elevator close.

Even then, I peeked out the door to make sure he was gone.

I went back to the basket, taking out my purse and setting it right beside it.

I opened my purse and then moved the towel aside.

My fingers trembled as I opened the bag as wide as I could and shook it.

Nothing was on top, so I stuck my finger in to move the pecans around until—there!

Something pointy. I pinched it and slipped the flat, black item into my purse and pushed it to the bottom, then zipped it closed.

I took the bag of nuts and poured them into a bowl, making sure absolutely nothing else and no traces were present.

My heart was in my throat, because Kathy was definitely part of the resistance.

She’d given me a thumb drive.

I looked over at the table where Amos usually sat, but none of his things were here.

In fact he always took his laptop when he left for work outside of the penthouse.

That meant it would have to happen while he was home.

How was I ever going to be able to do this?

My stomach turned and turned like I was on a wild teacup ride spinning fast enough to make me sick. This was going to be impossible.

If I tried to do it, he was going to catch me.

I’d end up in stocks. They would torture me.

I fanned myself with my blouse as I began to sweat.

How much pain would I be able to withstand?

What if I gave away the four people I knew were in the resistance?

And then they gave away others? Community Five was at stake.

What were they thinking trusting me with this responsibility?

I couldn’t do it! I was going to ruin everything!

I huffed out a shaking breath. Then another. Then I sucked in a lungful until it hurt and held it, letting it out in a long hiss.

Calm. Down.

The burn in my eyes matched the burn of shame through my soul as I yanked open the hall closet and pulled out my broom. The phoenix inside of me was covered over in ash, shifting irritably at my self-doubt and weakness. I began to furiously sweep.

This was how we got here, I reminded myself.

Fear. Good people sat by and waited because we were scared, and instead, we hoped for the best. Or maybe we weren’t scared enough until we were directly affected, which was even more shameful.

And then, when it was too late, we trusted that other, worthier, stronger people would rise up and be brave.

Look how much we’d all lost because of our fear.

Our vibrant, technicolor country was now washed-out and tattered. We lived like ghosts.

Does anyone ever feel qualified enough to go against the system?

When America fell, I’d been so focused on the kids.

I’d been pregnant or nursing at any given moment and so exhausted, even with Jeremy there.

He’d been carrying the weight of the news, news I knew was happening but dreaded to hear.

He hadn’t wanted to stress me. I felt guilty looking back and knowing he was carrying a weight, and I knew I should ask him to share it with me, but I’d been afraid of whatever it was in his eyes.

I stopped and leaned my weight on the broom as I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the ceiling to keep from crying.

We all had our excuses. And right now I was making excuses again.

I knew myself enough to know the fear would not leave me.

If I was going to do this scary thing, I would have to do it despite the fear.

And if I got caught…so be it. All I could do was be as strong as I could be.

Because life might be bad for us, but I did not doubt that once things were up and running for Community Five in one year, things for them would become a nightmare.

I’d rather be tortured and killed than live knowing I could have done something to help them. So this was happening.

And there it was: the cool relief of decision, the loosening of tension in my neck and shoulders. And while the fear and dread were like a boulder of weight in my belly, I would carry that weight as long as necessary and not let it hold me back.

I began to sweep again.

First, I would take some time to observe his laptop habits, something I’d never given my full attention to.

How long, if ever, did he leave it unattended?

What about at night while he slept? He was a heavy sleeper.

I couldn’t be hasty. I needed to test the waters, starting with getting out of bed to go to the bathroom during the night.

As far as leaving his laptop out during the day while he worked from home, I would consider something a habit if it happened three or more times.

Did he close it when he walked away? Or leave it open?

I was pretty sure he always closed it, because I would have been nosy and tried to look if it had ever been open.

And was there a password? Shit, I hoped not.

But of course it would be secure. I’d just have to find a way around it.

First, observe. Second, make a plan.

My phoenix puffed its chest in preparation for a treacherous thrill.