Page 29 of Longing for Liberty
TWENTY
STATE NEWS: CHINESE ECONOMY COLLAPSES!
At home, I went straight into Jeremy’s arms, desperate for his silent forgiveness, trying to put aside every thought and image of the day.
I had slowly begun to compartmentalize, though I wasn’t great at it.
It was now necessary. I had to numb myself to the emotions that went along with everything happening at the penthouse.
Jeremy abruptly pulled away and sniffed, wiping his nose as he looked to the side. I realized with a pang of dread that he might be able to smell the Secretary’s cologne on me, which made me step back.
“I-I’m going to shower,” I whispered.
He looked down and rocked back on his heels, working his jaw. “Okay.”
In the shower, I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel the guilt that simmered inside its compartment.
I pushed the look Jeremy had on his face into that compartment, too, and slammed it closed again.
I couldn’t let myself empathize with him, though it went against my very nature not to.
The only way I could do this and cope with it without having a mental breakdown would be to go numb.
Dinner was tense, but not with anger. A thick, dark cloud had descended over us. We ate slowly, and it seemed he had to force the gruel down just as I did. We drank our glasses of water and then washed our dishes and set out for our walk. I waited for him to take my hand, but he didn’t.
An idea had been building in my mind all day. I crossed my arms as we walked, focusing on the grass, still dry and yellowed despite the recent rain.
“He told me there’s no surveillance in his home,” I said under my breath. “And sometimes he leaves his laptop unattended.”
“Libby, no.” Jeremy’s reaction was immediate.
I gritted my teeth. “He also has a gun, and sometimes he takes it off and?—”
“Jesus, Lib!” Jeremy stopped short and looked around, then back at me with wide eyes. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
“No. Calm down.” I took his hand and walked us forward again. “You need to think of this objectively. If it were any other person, you’d want them to get as much information as they could, wouldn’t you? Who else will have this much access?”
His nostrils flared a little as he shook his head. “Why did you mention his gun?”
I went quiet. I knew the gun would be relatively useless to me.
Even if something happened and I used it to kill Amos Fitzhugh, I’d never be able to escape.
I would be caught before I could leave the building and probably publicly tortured to death.
I’d been over this a million times in my head, yet I couldn’t put the possibilities of the gun out of my thoughts.
“I don’t know. Just forget I said that.”
His chest heaved as he let out a breath. “Don’t even look at his gun.”
“Okay! I’m sorry.” I squeezed his hand. “Honestly. That was stupid.”
“Hello there!”
We both turned to see Rebecca and Stanley coming up the garden path. They were too far away to have heard anything.
I smiled at them. “Hi, you two. How was your day?”
“As lovely as ever,” Stanley deadpanned.
We walked together, chatting about bullshit until we were far enough away to drop the chipper facades.
Jeremy quickly updated Rebecca on everything we’d learned so far.
He told her about everything except what I told him today.
As she digested the information, Stanley asked for Jeremy’s help on a door hinge that had come loose.
“I tried to screw it back in, but I think the screw is stripped. Do you have any extras?”
“I think so. Let’s go look.” He gave my hand a squeeze, and the two of them left together.
When they were out of earshot, I told Rebecca about the laptop and gun. Unlike Jeremy, she didn’t freak out. She pondered the information for a long moment.
“What kind of gun?”
I shook my head. “Glock, I think? A handgun. I don’t know anything about them.”
“See if you can look more closely to see the type, but don’t show too much interest. I can tell you how to use it…just in case of any emergencies.”
My stomach hollowed out, and I nodded. “Okay. But don’t tell Jeremy.”
“Got it.” We were almost at the orchard. “And I’ll see if I can get my hands on some sort of external hard drive or flash drive, but Libby…you have to be so careful.”
“I know,” I whispered. Honestly, I felt scared to death even thinking about touching his computer.
But the information on there could be exactly what the resistance needed to prepare and overthrow.
The thought of freedom sent a heady feeling of elation through me.
“According to Fitzhugh, we have a year before they start to occupy Community Five. And he has a list of all the State Force members.”
“One year to take them down,” she whispered.
“And I’m going to tell you something I haven’t even told Jeremy yet.
” Rebecca reached out to touch an underdeveloped apple that withered on the branch, still holding on to its pitiful source of life.
“We might have someone on the inside getting access to the missile panel. One of the State Force. He’s white passing, Hispanic heritage, but his whole family is in Five. ”
My heart soared knowing we had people inside the State Force, but what he was doing was so scary.
How many people were like him and Rebecca, pretending to be something they weren’t just to stay alive, and putting their lives on the line to try and fix the system that had failed them?
I didn’t think it was possible to feel more anger and fear.
“I’m only telling you this,” Rebecca said, “so you understand how important it is…what you’re doing. It could be the nudge that finally puts all of the wheels into motion.” She grinned at me as my insides twisted and my throat went dry. “But no pressure.”
“No pressure at all.” I let out a raspy laugh, as scared as I was.
A drone sounded, doing its rounds, and Rebecca and I separated, me walking ahead of her to avoid seeming too close and personal. I felt grateful for Rebecca’s belief in me. Her willingness to give me a push—because I needed it.