Page 43 of Longing for Liberty

THIRTY-THREE

STATE NEWS: NEW HAIR AND MAKEUP TUTORIALS FOR WOMEN OF THE STATE!

I’d disassociated so hard that no matter how good the morning sex felt, I wasn’t able to bring myself to climax. Like the night before, I had to fake it. Amos held himself over me, breathing hard from his own real pleasure, and whispered in my ear, “I could get used to this.”

I made a cute sound, something between a moan and a giggle, before he kissed my mouth and got up and disappeared into the bathroom. I got up too, readying myself in the hall bathroom. It was surreal not to have seen Jeremy last night or this morning.

Last night, before he’d finally rolled to his other side and allowed me to fall asleep, a deep sadness had come over me.

I didn’t think there was room in my soul for any more sadness.

Turns out that sadness could layer. Layer upon layer of sadness was packed down inside of me.

I didn’t want to study the new sadness or even address it in any way.

So I simply accepted it as part of me and let the dull heaviness lull me to sleep.

Today, I felt groggy and was dragging. If Amos noticed, he didn’t say anything.

He’d set up his laptop at the table and looked to be reading and responding to messages.

Every now and then he would lean back, then wince and sit forward again, reminding me of what Wright had done.

It gave me a chill every time I thought about goofy, incompetent President Wright as the cunning Elder Wright in disguise, preparing the way for his son.

That whistleblowing report all those years ago had barely scratched the surface.

The ding of Amos’s State video chat startled me out of my thoughts as I cleaned the kitchen floor.

“What have you got, Charles?” Amos asked.

“Secretary Fitzhugh, sir, we interrogated the prisoner at length, and he never strayed from his story, even under duress. We believe he evaded the roundup in Charlotte by moving south on foot and has been living isolated by himself.”

“Then how does he explain having a set of blank State Force dog tags on him?”

“He admitted to traveling by foot along the outskirts of Community One and sneaking into a State Force barracks to look for food.”

“Why are random dog tags lying around in a barracks?”

“I’m looking into that, sir.”

“And how is it possible he wasn’t spotted by cameras or drones?”

“He claims to only move at night when it’s overcast.”

Amos pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyebrows high as he shook his head. “I’m not buying it. You said he’s of Korean heritage?”

“His mother was Korean, yes.”

“Have someone find a Korean person from Community Five, or any Asian descent, preferably a woman—bribe her with something if you have to—bring her in to be tortured in front of him. Some people won’t talk because they have nothing to lose, but they won’t let someone else be punished in their place. ”

Holy shit. It felt like my stomach literally fell out through my ass. I leaned against the wall of the kitchen out of his sight as I tried to calm my heart.

“That’s genius, sir, but, well, unfortunately, the prisoner succumbed to his injuries.”

Long pause. “You let him die ?”

“One of the cuts went deeper than intended.”

Amos grumbled something that sounded like, “Moses, help us,” and then his voice was crisp and sharp. “Who made that cut? Was it you?”

“No, sir.”

“Give me a name.”

My heart wanted to explode. I pressed a palm to my chest.

Charles paused. “Lieutenant Anderson.”

I heard Amos clacking hard at the keyboard. “Lieutenant Anderson will do two months in the C1 work camp number three. Have him on the bus there this evening.”

“Yes, sir.”

The bleep sound of the disconnected video made me push off the wall and continue mopping the floor.

Amos grumbled something else and sighed, continuing to type aggressively.

I was thankful for the level of dissociation I’d achieved last night and its sticking power.

Without it, I might be crying or vomiting right now.

All of the feelings I’d had while safely lying there in bed would have put me in grave danger if I’d had to feel them right this moment.

Perhaps the strange sadness I’d experienced was a prelude to what would happen today.

Had a higher power prepared the way for me to see this side of Amos without falling apart?

Or maybe deep down I’d known. After hearing what I’d heard on his calls lately, and then seeing what I’d seen last night, it was only a matter of time before more unsettling things came to light.

Jeremy had warned me not to romanticize Amos Fitzhugh. I’d been offended at first, but he was right…I had romanticized him and held out hope that he was good. But I couldn’t be mad at myself, because it was the only way I could make myself go through with what I’d had to do.

“Liberty?”

Oh, God. I leaned the mop against the island and went quickly around the corner. He stood there as dapper and handsome as ever, but the familiar tug of lust I usually felt was gone.

“I have to go into the office.” He stood expectantly, so I forced my feet to move forward and go to him, rising onto my toes to kiss him. “I liked having you in my bed last night.”

No, no, no…please.

I smiled up at him. “Me too. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

He held onto me around the waist as if reluctant to let me go, and I let out a little laugh, gently pushing off his chest. “I’d better get back to work.”

Amos smirked and sighed, giving me an up-and-down glance before walking out of the penthouse.

* * *

I got home before Jeremy, quickly showered and slipped on my casual dress, then paced the kitchen as our grits simmered.

When he walked in, my stomach flipped. He came down the hall, and my face broke into an uncontrolled smile at the sight of his short scruff and kind brown eyes.

A feeling of goodness and safety flooded me with euphoria.

But Jeremy didn’t smile back at me.

He quickly glanced away, as if a stranger stood in his kitchen. The euphoric sensation slithered away into something icky.

“Hi,” I said softly.

“Lib.” He gave a single nod, still not looking at me, instead glancing down into the pot and giving another nod.

Then he walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

I moved into the nook of the stove area where I was hidden from the window and tried to get a grip on my emotions.

Never in our twelve years together had he made me feel this way.

Even when we’d had disagreements and raised our voices in frustration.

I put myself into his shoes and thought about what he was feeling.

He’d received a text from me last night saying I wouldn’t be home, but that I was safe.

Then he’d lain in bed alone last night, imagining me with another man.

Not just any man, but a man in power whom he could not confront.

He probably wondered if I was enjoying it.

If I even thought of him. And then I had the nerve to smile at him like everything was fine.

Was I losing Jeremy? If he put up this wall to protect himself, could it ever be fully torn down again? Or would there always be a divide? I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth to muffle a cry.

Calm down.

Swallow the tears.

Pull yourself together.

Jeremy came back out in his casual pants and tunic shirt, causing me to drop my hand and clear my throat. He sat at the table on his phone while I pan-fried pieces of pork and scooped applesauce into small bowls.

I set a plate in front of Jeremy that would have been considered a child-sized portion six years ago. Mine was smaller, but he had to have noticed how my body had filled out since I started working for the Secretary. Even my hair was fuller. My nails stronger.

When we finished, I took our plates and cleaned them before facing him. He was zoned out at the window.

“Care to walk with me?” I asked.

After a moment, he said, “Fine.”

I slipped on my neighborhood shoes and we went out. When he made no move to take my hand, I crossed my arms tightly, as if I could soothe my aching heart. We said our polite hellos to neighbors and brandished contented smiles for the drones that buzzed by.

At the back of the garden, where teensy cabbages sprouted, I quickly told him how I’d ended up at Roan’s penthouse.

How they’d had alcohol and cocaine. How Wright had shown up and beaten them.

I told him everything except the sexual stuff that had happened at the party, because I didn’t want his imagination getting stuck in that direction.

Jeremy scoffed. “Am I supposed to feel bad for them?”

I stared at the side of his face. “You’re not supposed to feel any certain way. I’m just telling you what I learned in case it’s useful.”

“So you’re his girlfriend now or something?”

I touched his forearm, making him jerk back.

“Stop that,” I hissed. “I know you’re hurting, but I don’t want this any more than you do.”

Jeremy turned toward the trees behind us and ran a hand over his hair. His jaw clenched, and I knew he was battling demons. It killed me to see it. My eyes burned, and I quickly blinked, crouching to pretend to look at the garden.

“Get down here,” I said. “I have more.”

He took another moment before crouching and glaring at the sprouts.

I told him about this morning, about the man who’d been found and Amos’s reactions.

Jeremy’s nose flared, and he shook his head. “How can you stand to be near him?”

My internal hackles rose. “I imagine them going after you to punish me. That usually keeps me in line.”

His head swung to me, and we met eyes for the first time tonight. He searched my stare as if trying to gauge my genuineness. When my eyes began to water, we both looked away again, and I blinked furiously.

“Shit, Libby,” he whispered. “My head is so…” Again, he grabbed the top of his head, and I quickly grasped his other hand. We both squeezed.

“I know,” I told him. “Jer, please, we have to stay strong. Don’t let them harden you against me. I can’t handle—” A tear fell as my voice broke, and I lowered my chin. I couldn’t wipe it away. People from afar would see that as a sign of crying.

“Use my sleeve,” he whispered. I turned my head and leaned my face into his arm, letting the cotton soak up my fallen tears.

A whirring buzz started up, and we both groaned at the same time.

“Just keep looking down,” he whispered.

I plucked a few weeds that had barely begun to show. When the drone sounded close, I said, “I’ll chop it fine and cook it in oil and butter the way you like with some ground beef. Maybe some carrot, too.”

“My favorite,” he said, and I nearly giggled at his fake happiness, like a kid in a commercial. The moment healed my brokenness from the kitchen earlier, and I breathed deeply before looking up again when the drone was gone.

“I need you or Rebecca to get me a thumb drive.”

His jaw tensed as his teeth clenched. I waited for him to tell me no, that it was too dangerous, but his Adam’s apple bobbed with a swallow, and he nodded.

“Rebecca is already looking. I’ll ask around too.”

We both stood, and I brushed off my hands.

I bit my lip, thinking about something but not wanting to say it out loud.

“What are you thinking?” he asked. Because of course he noticed.

“I’m worried that he’s going to make me stay there more, now that the ice is broken or whatever. I need you to know that’s not what I want.”

“Libby, I do know that. Deep down.” He took my hand. “I’m sorry for how I acted.”

“We’re only human,” I said. “And this is really hard. I’m also worried about who I can relay information to if I can’t see you or Rebecca.”

He nodded. “I’ll look into that too.”

When we looked at each other again, we gravitated closer, almost touching, and Jeremy whispered low, “God, I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” I whispered.

His eyes raised and scanned the garden, then he grabbed my hips and yanked me forward against him, making me gasp. I felt his body reacting to mine, and heat rushed to my core. His forehead touched mine as his eyes drifted shut.

“Jeremy—”

“I want to kill him,” he said.

I rubbed my hands up his arms, letting myself enjoy the feel of him for one more second before pushing away and looking him in the eye. “I know.”

“I can’t believe you met Roan,” he said, sounding like he was just now processing the whole story I’d told. “What was he like?”

“He’s a sociopath,” I said without hesitation.

“Dark energy. Very untrusting.” And a pervert.

Somehow, that one moment when I’d seen his nakedness had been the most obscene and raunchy moment of my entire life.

Not because I’d seen the president’s penis.

But because of the sinister look in his eyes.

He was deviant in ways I did not want to know.

Jeremy looked up, and I followed his gaze to the two State Force that had just turned the corner. He stepped away from me and said, “Let’s go home.”

Home. Our tiny, ugly apartment where we couldn’t touch or speak our minds, but we could at least be comfortable in each other’s quiet presence. I’d take it.