Page 46 of Kai (Alpha Heroes #13)

Cece

There. I’d acknowledged the biggest failure of my life. To another person. To Kai. Instead of reacting strongly or jumping to conclusions, he leveled a steady gaze at me.

“So, the ocean swallowed you,” he pointed out quietly. “But only because you allowed it to do so. It was never about the ocean. This has always been about a decision you made but couldn’t accept until now?”

Is that what I’d done? Oh, shit . That’s exactly what I’d done.

“I hate it when you call me out,” I bit out, and yet this wasn’t true. I admired someone who wasn’t willing to accept the lies I told myself. “I’ve never told this to anyone before.”

“Not even your sisters?” he asked, studying my face.

“Especially not them.”

“But you are all so close.” His forehead furrowed. “Why not tell them?”

“Because I didn’t want them to discover how weak I am,” I confessed. “I especially didn’t want them to think I was nuts.”

“Cece, you are not—”

“I jumped from one of my father’s yachts.” I lifted a hand in the air and forced myself to continue. “We were at the French Riviera, of all places. Most people would love to go there, but I hated being trapped on a ship full of turds.”

He furrowed his brow. “A ship full of turds?”

“Father had invited a bunch of young guns to ‘woo’ us. They were all greedy and stupid, gold diggers for sure. Trapped inside a luxury yacht, my sisters and I were under siege. I know, first-world problems, poor little rich girl—”

“Don’t do that,” he ordered.

“Do what?”

“Make light of your trauma, diminish the impact of your emotional scars.”

Was that what I was doing?

“Perhaps you’ve never experienced hunger, war, poverty, or disease, but you lost your mom and your father was a dick. Your self-esteem took a hit. You also lost your brother and your family. All that anger you carry around like a shield? You can’t ignore it forever.”

“Yeah.” I went for sarcasm. “These days I’m angry at my anger. But Mauna Loa is erupting at the moment. We don’t need another volcanic explosion in the area.”

Kai smiled at my attempt at a joke. “Little steps,” he said. “Back to the yacht story?”

“The yacht, yes.” Was I capable of telling the whole fucked-up story?

Kai had told me his. It was my turn. “I spent a lot of time hiding from the suitors Father picked for us. It was like being trapped in a prison full of predators hunting you. I confronted Father and refused to cooperate with his plans. We had a huge fight. He threatened to use his influence to rescind my admission to my doctorate program. You can imagine how that went down.”

“Oh, yeah.” Kai fisted his hands, then snapped his fingers in the air. “Boom.”

“I sent him to hell.” My nails sank into my palms at the memory. “I was fed up and tired of fighting him. So, that night, I shot out of his suite and stalked to the gunwales…”

I grew quiet as I traveled back in time to a dark night, illuminated only by the silver light of a crescent moon peeking between the dark clouds.

The black surf swelled and ebbed well below my feet.

Like me, the ocean was in a pissy mood. I couldn’t remember climbing the gunwales or stepping forward, but I recalled the drop, the rush of air, the seconds that seemed to lengthen into hours.

I punched into the water feet first. The soles of my feet stung, and the cold hit me all at once. The ocean hugged me in death’s liquid embrace. Down I went, pulled by gravity. Emotions flashed through my head. Doubt. Regret. Rage.

“With your permission, I’m gonna ask a hard question,” Kai said, bringing me back to the present. “Did you really want to die that night?”

“No.” I studied my fingers. “I know life is a privilege, but my anger drove me. I acted on impulse. I got mad and allowed Father to push me over the edge. Literally.”

My memories returned to the night the ocean swallowed me. Everything had been dark, blurry, and muted. Saltwater stung my eyes and poured into me in gushes, invading my throat, cascading down to my stomach, and weighing me down. My lungs fought a desperate struggle.

“When I looked up, the moon’s thin smile outlined the yacht’s hull above me,” I murmured.

“That silver grin. I never understood if the universe meant to mock or soothe me, to welcome me to hell or farewell me from life.” I shrugged.

“The yacht lumbered over me like a ginormous whale. The shadow of the hull grew smaller by the second. Below me, an endless void gaped. I knew I’d made a mistake, but since I couldn’t swim, it was too late to correct it. ”

The images flowed in my mind, dark and liquid like the ocean had been.

“I was drowning when a muted sound caught my attention. The surface broke with barely a splash. A human torpedo headed my way. The figure grew larger until I recognized his face. Jaw tight, bubbles rushing from his nose, his eyes glinted with determination.”

“Nix came after you,” Kai guessed, breaking my memories’ hypnotic hold.

I blinked tears out of my eyes. “How could you possibly know?”

“From what I know of the man, this is what he would’ve done,” Kai said. “I also heard you crying last night. Nix’s name came up a lot. I was worried. I sat by your door all night until you went to sleep.”

It took all I had to get myself together and ask the question. “Why?”

“I wanted to be nearby in case you needed me to console you.”

He’d wanted to console me?

I closed my mouth and stared at this man who’d gone through hell and yet pulled himself out of the abyss and returned to the world with insight, purpose, and joy. Could I do the same?

“Come here.” Kai reached out and transferred me to his lap.

Wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me against his chest and held me in a hug that was both tight and gentle.

I rested my head on his shoulder. His body enfolded me like a fortress.

The warm touch of his skin lent me the courage to go on.

“Nix came after me, the reckless alpha hero that he was.” My mouth pulled up into a wry grin, but tears streamed down my cheeks. For once, crying in front of Kai didn’t seem like a violation of my rules. “Nix was a superb swimmer, like you are.”

Another memory flashed in my head, my hand stretching up toward his, his grip as it tightened around my forearm.

My downward momentum stalled. Next thing I knew, Nix was pulling me up, wrestling me out of the bowels of the ocean, his feet kicking hard even if my lungs felt as if they were about to explode.

“He snatched me to the surface and got me back to the boat,” I said. “For a while, we both lay on the yacht’s lower deck, gasping for breath. I don’t know how many times I retched that night.”

“Been there, done that,” Kai said, and I looked up at him. “I mean, the part about swallowing a ton of saltwater and then giving it back.”

“During your angry phase,” I remembered. “When you took all those risks and didn’t care if you died?”

“Yeah.” He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. “You and I, we reacted in similar ways.”

“Not really,” I quipped. “You took the self-improvement route. I chose self-destruction.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“That’s like, really insightful, mindful even.”

“You don’t think I can be those things?”

“Can’t you see?” He dazzled me with his smile. “You already are.”

I opened my mouth to dispute the fact and then… closed it. He was right. Just as I had figured out the basics of swimming, I was beginning to understand who I was, separate and distinct from my anger.

“Don’t look so surprised,” he teased. “You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit for your smarts. Do you wanna tell me what happened next?”

“The yacht. Yes.” I returned to my story.

“When I could breathe again, Nix distracted the night duty officer, then sneaked me back into my room. If Father had found out about what I’d done, he would’ve sent me to an insane asylum in a New York minute.

He would’ve locked me up for life. Nix was furious with me—for giving up, for letting Father get under my skin.

He swore he wouldn’t tell a soul. On one condition: he made me promise him I would never do something so stupid again.

” I paused and, after a few quiet moments, glanced at Kai. “Go ahead, say it.”

He drew back. “Say what?”

“That I almost broke my promise to Nix today.”

“But did you?” he asked. “You could’ve jumped anytime. You didn’t. Why is that, Cece?”

“I don’t know.”

“Could it be because you learned something the first time around?”

“It could be.” Clarity illuminated my churning mind. “When I was about to die, I wanted to live.”

“You have so much to live for. Your work, your sisters. You always fight for what you want. You’re strong, you don’t give up, and you don’t quit. Ever.”

“But I’m tired, Kai.” I met his gaze and sighed. “Being strong all the time takes a toll.”

“I know.” He squeezed me against his chest. The empathy I spotted in his gaze warmed me down to my toes. “But you don’t have to carry the load alone.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“If you ever need to be weak, I’m here, Cece. Right here.”

My chest filled with new breath. Kai had said the exact words I needed to hear. My body relaxed in his hold.

“We’ve both been through some tough shit.” Kai took my hand and held it. “We both know each other’s sorrows. You want more than a drab and angry existence. I do, too. We both want joy, freedom from the past, and hope. So, if we want the same things, can we do them together?”

I went so still I could feel the blood swishing through my veins. “What are you asking?”

“Do you want to know what my grandmother’s last words were?” he asked, bypassing my question. “What she said to me right before she passed?”

My throat felt too tight to make words, so I nodded.

“ Seek the light, my sweet, wise boy; follow it, fight for it, hold it close to your heart; for there’s a moon to your sun, a win to your losses, a light in the darkness ,” he recited, his eyes bright, his aura even brighter . “A light in the darkness. Get it? ”