Page 41 of Kai (Alpha Heroes #13)

Cece

I didn’t march to my berth and lock the door because I was afraid that Kai might burst into the room and yell at me after my confrontation with Javier. This is what my father would’ve done, rip into me, threaten and insult me for my impertinence, and accuse me of being a crazy hothead.

But Kai wasn’t like my father.

I locked the door because I was done, depleted and exhausted from keeping up my tough facade.

Protecting my sisters was hard work. It came at a high emotional cost. I was also confused.

Javier had not reacted violently to my challenge.

He hadn’t responded to my triggers. Kai’s friend was more like him than I’d expected.

Even so, apologizing for securing Missy’s wellbeing was not on the menu. Testing Javier had to be done. Ensuring he was loyal to Missy also had to happen. Who else was going to do it if not me?

Kai must think I’m nuts.

Since when have I cared about what other people think of me?

Since you met Kai, my impertinence replied .

Kai, who’d assured his friends that he was not falling for me.

Good for him . He’s smart. Unlike you .

Kai probably thought I’d overreacted. And maybe I had.

After all, I’d been mad at what I’d heard, and he hadn’t included me in the meeting.

A part of me still resented him for that.

My chest ached when I remembered how adamantly Kai had denied he had fallen for me to his friends.

I couldn’t understand my feelings. Why was I hurting?

I’d told him I was a no-men, no-love, no-relationship gal. That love was a fallacy. I’d accused all men of being aggravations and gold diggers. My attraction to him was just lust.

Then why the emotional ruckus, Astor?

Because I’d gotten to know Kai. I’d developed… what? An appreciation of his qualities? An admiration of the person he was? A crush on him? Something more?

You’re not capable of whatever ‘more’ means, I reminded myself . You can’t have feelings for Kai. Most of the time, you don’t even have feelings. You don’t do love.

Stomping to the head, I dropped the towel, parked before the mirror, and frowned. God, I looked so vulgar. And yet, dressed like this, I’d started a mental cage fight, given that Javier refused to engage in a physical one.

Stupid Cece, Father’s voice echoed in my mind . No man in his right mind is ever gonna put up with you, and that includes this Kai fellow whose sausage you’re craving in your bun .

I yanked down the tiny thong and kicked it away. It went flying across the room. Tugging on the T-shirt, I unknotted the fabric and let it hang down. Loose as it was, it dangled down to my thighs. I was no longer an obscene walking display.

You were never good at seduction.

“Duh.” I snorted aloud. I sucked at it.

A migraine throbbed behind my sore eyes. I’d stared at too many auras today, and now I was gonna pay for it. The headache intensified. My shoulders slumped and my knees buckled. I made it across the berth and collapsed belly down on the bed. I was tired, so tired of being me, of just… being.

Tears stung my eyes and spilled down my face.

Tears! I blamed the migraine clamped around my skull.

Clenching my teeth, I tried to hold the pain and the old grief inside.

Cece Astor didn’t cry. Except for tonight.

I couldn’t stop the stupid waterworks. I closed my eyes, sank my face into the pillow, and smothered my weeping.

A quiet rap came from the door. When I didn’t reply, it came again, this time more insistent. “Cece?” Kai’s voice drifted from the other side of the door. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

No, but I wouldn’t admit that. “Go to sleep,” I called out. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Kai said. “I didn’t include you in the meeting because I thought you were asleep.”

“Asleep, right.” He’d kept me hidden because I was wild, unpredictable, and a walking, talking asshole. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends.”

“You didn’t embarrass me. Javier has a big mouth, but I promise that his heart is even bigger. I can sum up the meeting for you if you’d like.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” I said.

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

“You didn’t.” Feelings were not a disease I wanted to own up to.

“How do I fix this?” Kai asked. “What can I do?”

“Go away. Leave me alone.” I added a belated, “Please?”

“If that’s what you need, then that’s what I’ll do. But I’m here for you. Anything you need. You hear me?”

“I hear you.” A sob got stuck in my throat. I didn’t know how to deal with an emotion as fragile as kindness.

“Try to get some rest,” he murmured, and then everything went quiet.

He was being nice, but nice hadn’t been what I had in mind earlier tonight. I imagined him stalking to his berth, wishing this mission would end soon. I was a proper mess. Squeezing my eyes shut, I took a few calming breaths.

The migraine ramped up. As weary as I was, sleep wasn’t my friend, had never even been a close acquaintance. My skin tightened around me, trapping me in my head, a location that meant trouble.

“Nope.” I rolled over and sat up. “You’re not feeling sorry for yourself.”

Defying my headache, I got up, grabbed the case from the cabinet, and after returning to the bed, opened it.

I sat cross-legged on the mattress and put on my glasses.

I was about to take out my laptop when I noticed the square bulge poking through the liner.

After unzipping the pocket, I slid out the photo box I’d taken with me on the day we escaped the lighthouse, shut the case, and put it aside.

I set the box before me. In the picture, my siblings stared at me with grins on their faces, the same smiles I’d stolen from them with my fucking plan, which ended up tearing apart those of us who survived. A trickle of tears returned to haunt me. It was going to be a long night.

“Forgive me,” I whispered, brushing my finger over Thena’s sweet smile, Missy’s toothy grin, and Affie’s defiant smirk. “I promise that if I get the chance, I’ll make it right.”

I paused my fingertip over Nix, tracing the striking lines of his face. He stood taller than the rest of us. He’d always been fit, strong, and handsome. Those sparkling blue eyes could move mountains. And his smile? It could lift my mood in a snap.

“Nix,” I murmured, caressing his face. “I miss you.”

He’d always been the only person on earth who understood me.

A weak, tentative aura trailed my fingertip.

I gasped and snatched back my hand. The aura remained behind, singing a distant melody in my head, one I could barely hear, let alone recognize.

Small, iridescent particles of light bubbled and coalesced around Nix’s form, flickering on and off like fireflies in the night.

Speckles of faint blacks and reds pixelated over a dim green glow. I swallowed with a croak.

It was happening again.

Even though the energy visions had been overly active tonight, I was still shocked. If auras emanated from all living things, I was, for sure, going nuts. The photo was a lifeless object, incapable of radiating energy. My brother was dead.

“Stop.” I blinked in quick succession. “You’re having a meltdown, not a brain bleed.”

As if following my orders, the aura wavered, then disappeared. I took small breaths. “It’s okay, Nix,” I murmured, meeting his gaze on the picture. “I’m okay.”

Nix and I had always shared an urge to fight and win. He’d always been there for me when I’d needed him the most, and I’d tried to be there for him as he went through the trials and tribulations of being Father’s unwilling heir. With our blue eyes, pale skin, and darker hair, we even looked alike.

I stared down at my brother’s picture through a veil of warm tears.

“I tried to take care of our sisters, but I did a lousy job.” The tears were coming fast and furious now.

My bottled-up grief burst. “Oh, Nix.” I lay down on my side, and bringing up my knees, hugged the photo box to my chest. “I wish you were here.”

I must’ve fallen asleep; for how long, I had no idea.

It was a restless sleep. I dreamed of Nix, reminding me not to give up.

I dreamed of my sisters, too, of their tearful faces on the day we parted.

Their tortured expressions gave way to Kai’s features.

A deep frown etched his usually smooth forehead, and his mouth tilted at a cruel angle.

“No man in his right mind is ever gonna put up with you,” he said in a voice that wasn’t his.

Gasping for air, I ripped my eyelids open.

My cheek stuck to the soggy pillowcase. I winced when I moved my head.

Remnants of last night’s migraine lingered.

I had to squint at the light pouring through the window.

The sun bathed the berth, warming my bare feet and legs and blinding my retinas.

The photo box dug into my chest. I still held it close to my heart.

Caught in the throes of a grief hangover, I felt like shit.

My stomach rumbled, my mouth felt parched, and my body still begged for rest. I turned to my back and stared at the ceiling.

Yesterday, I’d found pleasure in Kai’s arms. Last night, I’d destroyed my chances with him.

Seducing him wasn’t in the cards anymore.

I was ashamed of myself, something I did often and well.

I set the photo box on the windowsill. It took all I had to get up, but I did what Nix had taught me to do.

I got up every morning and tried again. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair until it was nice and tame, unlike me.

Picking out the most comfortable clothing from my little stash, I dressed in a pair of light blue bike shorts and a matching cropped top.

I didn’t put on shoes. Even my feet longed for freedom.

I put warm compresses on my eyes to stem the swelling. I’d never been a crier, but last night I’d cried rivers. When Thena, Missy, or Affie wept, they looked like sad princesses, tragically beautiful in their sorrow. No puffy faces or scary, bloodshot eyes to frighten the staff.

Me?

My face looked as if I’d taken a beating. I stared in the mirror and found I was the definition of ugly crying.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” I pointed at my image. “Not you. Definitively not you, Queen of Surly, Lady of the Vile.”

I downed some ibuprofen and walked away from the mirror.

Kai was nowhere to be seen. Serenity floated on its mooring, as quiet as the day. At the galley, I found a pot of hot chocolate on the stove, and a note from Kai encouraging me to heat it up and help myself to the cream he’d whipped and stored in the fridge.

Tears burned in my eyes again. His kindness got me every single time.

He was probably on patrol. Despondent me didn’t care if I developed diabetes. I fixed myself a full mug of sweet hot chocolate and crowned it with heaps of cream.

Kai’s note also said he’d left a bowl of fruit salad in the fridge for me.

Standing by the galley’s island, I attacked it with a soup spoon and sucked it down faster than a vacuum cleaner.

It was fresh and delicious. If the word ‘care’ had been a flavor, it would’ve tasted like this.

After I’d eaten the whole thing, I almost felt human again.

I had no idea when Kai might return, so I grabbed my mug and made my way out to the deck.

The sun shone down on the cove and refracted on the calm waters.

A refreshing breeze rippled through my hair.

The birds were singing a riot. Kai had told me that the water was at least twenty feet deep here, but when I leaned over the gunwales, it was so crisp and clear that I could see the sandy bottom sparkling under the sunrays.

A school of silver fish caught my attention, gliding in unison around the boat. Their scales gleamed beneath the surface. Under the sea, they moved in perfect synchronicity, small bodies united to build a big presence.

Carrying my cup and following the fish, I moved down the narrow walkway toward the bow and past the catamaran’s trampoline—the tight net strung between the forward hulls. I stood at the tip of one of the hulls, sipping my hot chocolate, admiring nature’s choreographed show.

If only I could swim like those fish, be part of a school, as I’d once been with my siblings and Dash.

The Astor Renegades. It’d been us against the world.

These days, I was an army of one. It struck me that for the last three years, I’d been running away from reality.

Now I had to face off with it, accept that Nix had died, and rebuild my family, myself.

It seemed so hard, overwhelming.

Tilting my face to the sky, I felt the sun on my skin. I took in the glorious ridges and the tranquil sea. This was such a beautiful world. Did I belong in it?

The ocean called my name, a seductive murmur, quiet as a ripple and as enthralling as a siren’s song.

Heeding the call, I set the mug down and climbed over the railing.

Perching my feet at the very edge of the hull, fisting my hands around the cables behind me, I held on, leaned forward, and peeked down at the water.

On the mirrored surface, my reflection stared back at me. My face showed no fear, no sorrow, no emotion. Arms stretched behind me, body slanting forward, I looked like a bird about to take flight.