Page 44 of Kai (Alpha Heroes #13)

“Did the coroner think she did it to herself?”

“No.”

“There you go. There are easier ways to die. She had an accident. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Let’s say that’s true.”

“It is true, and you almost drowned trying to save her life.”

“But I didn’t love her well.”

“You loved her as well as you could in that moment of your life.”

“It wasn’t enough, Cece. I felt so guilty about her death. The minute she asked, I should have married her. I should’ve been kinder to her, paid attention to her distress, and gone with her to the breakers that day. I’d promised her I would keep her safe, but did I? No, I didn’t.”

“But, Kai, you couldn’t have known—”

“I couldn’t forgive myself for failing to protect her. Her death hurt. So much. Here.” I slapped a hand on my bare chest. “Then there was the kid. We’d already decided to call her Leilani. She didn’t get to live at all.”

Cece shook her head, her eyes still wet. “That wasn’t your fault either.”

“But maybe if I had married Malia, if I hadn’t fought with her and sent her straight to the breakers, Leilani would’ve had a chance at life. Can’t you see?” I wiped the moisture from my eyes. “Two people I should’ve loved better died because I was too busy packing my bags to keep my promise.”

I strummed the trampoline’s cords between my knuckles, trying to contain the old sorrow. The small waves murmured beneath us, and the breeze seemed to whisper its condolences as it blew through the coconut trees.

“Kai, please. Look at me.”

I lifted my eyes and met Cece’s gaze.

“You lived through a terrible tragedy, but it was not your fault.” The compassion that shone in her eyes soothed the old pain, but it was her conviction, her faith in me that meant everything to me.

“Deep inside, you know that shit happens, stuff we have no control over. You can be sad, sure, and I’m here for you.

But you can’t be so hard on yourself that you’re beating yourself up for something that happened long ago.

Because that’s what you’re doing right now. ”

“I know,” I admitted quietly. “I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while, and I can’t get unstuck.”

“Well, it’s time,” she said in that conclusive tone she used when she knew something to be scientifically true.

“Since we’ve met, you’ve pointed out that I’m too hard on myself how many times?

You’ve also told me that control is an illusion.

There’s nothing else you could’ve done to prevent the tragedy.

So, it’s my turn to say the same and more.

You need to listen to your own advice and practice what you preach.

Do you read me, Kai King?” she asked, softening her voice, caressing my battered soul with her beautiful eyes.

“I read you, Sorceress.” I let out a sigh. “You’re right. I’ve learned many things since that terrible day. It’s time to turn knowledge into action.”

“Good.” She gave my leg a little squeeze. “I can’t even imagine the pain you felt. How did you get through that?”

“I didn’t.” I shrugged, recalling the depths of my despair.

“It’s bad enough to lose someone, but when the last thing you did was fight with them and deny their wishes, grief and regret team up to tear you apart.

A part of me went with Malia and the baby.

The carefree young man I was died with them. ”

I had to stop to collect myself as the grief rolled in and pounded me until I felt crushed all over again.

To think just days ago I’d been so sure I’d dealt with this.

To think I’d been such an arrogant idiot to believe, for one second, that I was ready to move on.

It struck me that even with all the work I’d put into myself over the years, I’d never once told the story to anyone.

Until Now. Until Cece.

“Kai?” Cece’s soft voice shook me out of my despair. “What happened after they died?”

“I spent months grieving,” I said. “I couldn’t join the Corps.

Most days, I locked myself in my room and wallowed in my pain.

I could barely sleep, but when I did, I dreamed about a little girl.

In my dreams, I was her dad. She had blue eyes, even though Malia and I both had brown eyes.

To be honest, I still dream of that little girl sometimes.

She’s… persistent.” I allowed for a sad smile.

“After a few months shuttered in the darkness of my bedroom, my grandmother put an end to that. She barged into my room with a one-way ticket to Portugal.”

“Portugal?”

“Nazare. Capital of the surfing world between October and March. For a couple of years, I surfed my way around the world. I was so angry at myself, at my fate. Regret haunted me wherever I went. I took risks. Every day, no matter where I was, regardless of the surf conditions, I challenged the ocean to kill me.”

“Oh, Kai.” Cece choked on a sob.

“Slowly, over time, when I didn’t die, something in me began to transform.

The sea had taken Malia and Leilani from me, but it refused to kill me.

Instead, it trained me to be a survivor, to be resilient no matter how bad the wipeout or how terrible the pain.

It was almost as if I had to face my worst fears day after day to get through them.

In the end, the sea spat me out from the depths of my depression and brought me back to life. ”

“If you hadn’t told me, I would never have known that you went through such a tragedy,” Cece offered quietly. “Do your friends know?”

“No,” I said. “Until today, I couldn’t tell the story at all.”

“Thank you for telling me,” she said, blinking back tears. “I always thought inner peace came easy to you because you’d lived a charmed life. But you know loss, sorrow, depression. You’ve been angry, like me.”

“I was angry for a long time.” I managed another sad smirk. “Until my grandmother called me home. She was dying, and she wanted to talk to me one last time.”

“More loss?” Cece gave a despondent shake of her head. “What did she say?”

“She gave me hope.”

“Your mom and dad. Malia, Lelani, and your grandmother. How did you come back from that?”

“My losses led me to work hard and search for meaning. That’s when I went to Nepal. Under the monks’ guidance, I learned a lot. I decided to honor my losses by living my best life. I also adopted a new motto.”

“Which is?”

“We live to die, but we die so we can truly live.”

“It’s…”

“Tragic?”

“It’s beautiful.”

“After Grandma passed, I joined the Corps and rediscovered the things that give me joy, like swimming, sailing, and surfing. I found my purpose with the Marines and then with Dagger and Tracker Team. Honestly, until recently, I thought I was doing well, that I’d overcome my grief, my regrets, but then… ”

“But then…?”

I hesitated, and a surge of emotion strangled my throat. “ You happened, Cece.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“When your sisters told me about this strange connection between us, I thought the universe was giving me a chance at redemption. I wanted it to work out between us.”

Her chest sank, and she looked down at her hands. “But then you realized I’m hard to love.”

“False,” I snapped, then softened my voice. “You were—you are so much more than I deserve.”

“Excuse me?” She frowned.

“You dazzle me, Cece,” I pushed the words out. “You also scare the crap out of me.”

“Oh, yeah.” She sighed. “I can be pretty scary, in that, we agree.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m scared of the notion of you and me.

Of seizing this chance and running with it.

Of my hubris, thinking I’d overcome my grief, believing that I had it all figured out and then finding out that’s not the case, that it may never be the case.

All those years working to understand myself, find my peace, maintain my Zen, and yet, that first time, up at the ridge? ”

“Yes?”

“I really wanted to, you know, but grief and regret hit me out of nowhere. I had a flashback of Malia dead on the beach, and then I saw you wet and drowned, right next to her.”

“Oh, God.” Her lips quavered. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“It’s not like we’ve been communicating fluently. Plus, I didn’t want you to think less of me once you realized how I’d failed to protect Malia and Leilani.”

“I don’t think you failed at anything,” she said.

“But I do. Think about it. What right do I have to seize this chance? What if I can’t protect you? You’re in danger all the time. What if I lose you?”

“I—”

“I did the work,” I spoke over her. “I’m proud of the life I’ve built and everything I’ve learned about the human spirit, about myself. I’ve survived all my losses so far. But…”

“But what?” she asked, hanging on my every word.

“Despite a ton of self-work, after all these years, I’ve never come close to falling for anyone.” I swallowed a dry gulp. “But now…”

“What about now?”

“Now, things have changed,” I said. “I’ve fallen… for you.”

Her eyes widened into moons, and her hand shot up to her chest. “Me?”

“Yes, you.”

She looked like she was grappling for words. “How do you know this?”

“Because…” I hesitated and then pushed the truth out. “I don’t think I can survive losing you.”