Page 45 of Is This Real or Just Pretend?

Alex couldn’t wait for the maid, so she turned on the taps of the bathtub.

She still smelled him on her skin, her sheets, in her hair.

That had to be why she dreamed of him. Why she could still feel his arms around her, still feel him inside her.

The bottom of the bathtub was barely full of water but she threw off her wrapper and climbed in.

Then she picked up the bar of soap and the sponge and got to work scrubbing him off her.

She needed to be able to think. To focus on anything other than him.

Eventually the maid arrived and helped Alex wash her hair and dress for the day. Afterward, Alex sat at the dressing table while Millie styled her hair in a chignon. She was doing her final check when Alex cleared her throat.

“And is Mr. Taylor about?”

They was the first words she had uttered that morning. Millie met her gaze in the mirror and surprise briefly flashed across her face. But she was too well trained to let it linger.

“Yes, miss. I believe he is out in the garden with Miss Winifred.”

Alex instinctively clenched her hands on her lap then forced them apart. “Thank you. That is all, Millie.”

The girl then bobbed a curtsy and left the room.

Alex gazed at her reflection. Lucien had called her beautiful last night.

Said she was like the sun. But all she saw was a somber woman of indeterminate age who looked incredibly tired.

For a moment she was very tempted to steal the rouge Freddie kept secreted away in her room, but for what purpose?

To what end? A bit of cosmetics wouldn’t change things.

Things she had no wish to change, she stubbornly reminded herself as she shoved the chair back.

Enough of this. Alex had already wasted too much of the morning on maudlin thoughts.

If she left now, she could still have a productive day at the office.

Her stomach chose that moment to growl loudly in protest. Alex let out a sigh.

Fine. She would eat first and then go to the office.

She headed downstairs full of purpose and was relieved to find the breakfast room empty.

Trays of food were on the sideboard and she made a plate without really taking notice of the food.

Alex had always liked this room. It was warm and cozy and offered a fine view of the back garden.

Her mother once shared that the wallpaper was a print called the “Strawberry Thief” because it depicted a bird feasting on the fruit from a garden.

Alex liked looking at it. The colors soothed her and gave her something to focus on while she ate.

But just as she moved to sit, her gaze was caught by two figures outside.

It was Freddie and Lucien coming into view.

They were walking side by side, though Lucien was still limping just a bit.

But whatever pain he might be feeling, that didn’t keep the grin off his face.

Freddie was chattering away animatedly and his eyes were riveted to her.

Then she began to laugh and he joined in.

If they had been two strangers that Alex happened upon in the park, she would have assumed they were a very happy young couple.

Something curdled in her chest and she set the plate heavily on the table.

Even though her appetite had entirely vanished, she sat down in a chair.

It wasn’t that the scene surprised her, exactly.

Alex knew very well that Freddie and Lucien had a connection that long superseded whatever had developed between them these last weeks.

But to see it so clearly before her eyes was different.

Was undeniable . She could allow that perhaps Lucien did think Alex was beautiful.

And she could not dismiss the passion they had shared last night.

But was that enough to sustain a relationship?

Alex was very aware of her limits and they ended far before she could get anywhere close to Freddie’s natural effervescence.

It seemed the height of folly to expect Lucien to simply forget about the girl he had loved for so long in favor of her older sister who possessed absolutely none of her qualities.

Alex swallowed as a bitter taste filled her mouth.

She needed to leave. Before she had to face either of them.

But as she rose from her chair, she heard voices just outside the room and in another moment the door swung open and there they were, still laughing and chatting away like a couple of old friends.

Because they were old friends. Alex was used to feeling out of place among other people.

But it had never bothered her before. Now, though, as she waited for the two of them to notice her presence, she was gripped by something hot and ugly.

It twisted low in her belly, winding its way up around her heart then squeezed until it felt like she couldn’t take a deep breath.

For a brief moment Alex thought she might be dying and had to grip the back of the chair.

You aren’t dying, you idiot, the voice in her head chastised. You’re jealous of them.

Jealous. The thought struck her like a fist just as Lucien’s eyes met her own.

And even though she could plainly see the warmth in his gaze, it wasn’t enough.

Alex couldn’t handle this rush of feeling inside her, too strong and fast for her to control.

She couldn’t allow herself to get swept away any more than she already had.

So she tightened her grip on the chair and met his gaze head on.

“There you are,” Freddie trilled just over Lucien’s shoulder. “We were about to send for Dr. Mosley to attend to you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep past nine outside of this week.”

Alex did little more than grunt in response. She looked more stiff and drawn than usual, but Lucien was willing to bet she had slept even worse than he had. It had taken every bit of self-control not to go right back into her bedroom last night. Well, tonight he would not make the same mistake.

“Good morning, Alex,” he said easily as he rounded the table and approached her, unable to keep the idiotic smile off his face.

He was just so blasted happy . Even Freddie’s stories about her French fencing instructor had sent him into a fit of giggles outside.

He moved to press a kiss to Alex’s check and felt her flinch.

Very well. She wasn’t used to displays of affection in front of company.

Lucien would act accordingly in the future.

“Good morning,” she murmured and seemed strangely hesitant.

He glanced over at Freddie, who was giving them a knowing smile. He returned it and pulled out the chair beside Alex. “We’ve already eaten, but I’m happy to keep you company.”

“And I will give you both some privacy,” Freddie said with absolutely no subtlety.

While out on their stroll, he had all but confessed that he and Alex had spent the night together and she had been terribly excited for them.

Alex said nothing but her gaze followed Freddie as she retreated. Once the door of the breakfast room swung shut, Lucien took her hand in his and nuzzled her neck. “Did you miss me last night? Because I missed you terribly.”

“Don’t,” Alex said as she slipped out of his reach.

Lucien gave her a frustrated smile. “Really, Alex. Freddie is gone and your parents are both already out for the day. I saw them leave myself.”

“It isn’t that.”

“All right,” he said easily. He could endure the ice queen act if that was what she needed until she grew more comfortable. “I thought we could go to Madame Tussauds today. Freddie said the new exhibit is great fun.”

She turned away. “I have to go to the office.”

“Oh. Well, then perhaps tomorrow?”

“Lucien, no .”

Something about her tone caused the hairs on his neck to rise. “Look at me.” Her lips pursed, but after a moment she reluctantly turned to him. “What is going on?” he asked. Though even as he spoke the words, he knew. He could read her so well now.

“Lucien,” she began in a placating voice, but he shook his head.

“At least have the decency to be honest with me,” he demanded. “You certainly don’t hold back with anyone else.”

He watched her swallow and look away, her pale face gone ashen. If he were a better man, he would have left then. The message was clear enough. But Lucien wasn’t leaving until she looked him in the eye and ended this. Until she said the words.

“I am sorry if last night confused things for you,” she began. “But this doesn’t change anything.”

He let out a harsh laugh that sounded foreign to his own ears. “Are you joking? This changes everything .”

She turned back to him then and as her dark eyes narrowed on him, he suddenly regretted his earlier desire. “It was only intercourse, Lucien. I thought you understood that.”

Intercourse.

Leave it to Alex to use the least romantic term possible. But maybe she was right. And Lucien had misunderstood. An embarrassed flush crept up his neck. “I am not so untried as that. And you very well know it was more.”

“It was—”

“Tell me it was like that with Chisolm,” he demanded. “Tell me it was ever like that with him. The man you supposedly loved . The man you intended to marry .”

Only when Alex looked up at him with wide eyes did he realize he had stood and knocked the chair over.

Lucien inhaled through his nose and grappled with the anger coursing through him.

He wasn’t used to losing control like this.

Even when he learned of Rene’s deception, that his entire business was ruined, he had felt more disappointed than angry .

“I don’t want to talk about Benjamin,” she said, frustratingly calm. “He has nothing to do with this situation.”

“This situation ,” Lucien parroted. “You mean us.”

Alex flexed her jaw. “There is no us. There never was an us. It wasn’t real.”

Lucien turned away with a huff and placed his hands on his hips. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you break the contract.” If he just had a little more time to show her—

But now Alex was out of her chair, staring at him in challenge. “You didn’t let me. There was no further use for it once Freddie became engaged.”

“Oh? And what of the rest of it? What of the company? The board ?”

She lifted her chin. “That is no longer your concern.” It was her cool demeanor that grated the most, he realized.

The way she always seemed to occupy a higher plane than the rest of them, where she wasn’t troubled by such pedestrian concerns as feelings .

And perhaps, at one point he might have truly believed it.

But now it was too late. She had let him see too much behind the mask.

“You’re afraid,” he said, like it was an accusation. “You’re afraid to actually feel something real. Something you can’t control or write into a contract or buy out.”

“I feel guilty about what happened to you,” she allowed. “Because of my negligence.”

“Do you know why I was there that night? Have you even once considered it? I went there for you ,” he said. “To ask you to give us a real chance.”

Alex stared at him for a long moment while her face remained carefully blank. “Well, that would have been a waste of time,” she finally said. “I would have just sent you away.”

Her words cut him to the quick and managed to hurt more than all those punches and kicks to his body.

Yet he smiled at her then, through the pain.

And it must have looked as deranged as it felt, for she shrank back a little.

“It was eight o’clock on a Friday night and you were still there,” he said.

“Why? What possible reason could you have for being there at that time?”

Alex shook her head but did not answer.

Lucien took a step forward and leaned in. “Because that is all you have. Because your life is nothing without that office and those papers.” He pulled back and shook his head. “And you deserve it.” Then he turned on his heel and headed for the door.

Lucien did not wait for her response and did not look back. If he couldn’t have her, he could at least have the last word.