Page 33 of Is This Real or Just Pretend?

Lucien looked uncomfortable. “I suppose. Eventually. And I don’t need to remind you that I was a rather… awkward youth. That didn’t disappear overnight.”

“Fair enough.”

“And just because I had opportunities didn’t mean I wished to take them. Or at least, take everything that was on offer,” he added.

“Huh.”

Lucien arched a brow. “You sound surprised,” he said drolly.

“Well, yes. I am. It’s just… that’s not what I’ve been told about men.”

He opened his arms. “And yet, here I am.” Then his gaze sharpened. “What about you? I hardly need to point out that your behavior is unusual.”

“It isn’t unusual, it’s not approved ,” she said hotly. “Women have fleshly desires the same as men, yet we are shamed for it.”

He nodded vigorously. “It’s similar to how I’m made to feel shamed.”

“Except no one would ever call you ruined , ” she pointed out.

Lucien deflated a little. “You’re right.”

“But I agree that you shouldn’t feel ashamed,” she added. “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. It’s only that you—”

“What?” he prompted.

“Well, I’m sure you could have whomever you wanted.”

Lucien watched her closely, his expression grave. “Not quite.”

Alex winced.

Freddie.

In the heat of their encounter she had completely forgotten about his deep, impossible love for her sister and their stupid arrangement. Why had she ever thought this was a good idea?

“I know there are men who think nothing of bedsport,” he continued. “But I always wanted…” He paused and let out a sigh.

He didn’t need to finish the thought, though. Alex understood. The dreamy look in his eyes said enough. He wanted to be with someone he truly cared about. Someone he loved.

She recalled the image of him crying furious, heartbroken tears in the hedge all those years ago, along with the look of enchantment on his face as he stared at Freddie in the gig just weeks before.

Anyone else would have seen the beginning of a grand love story, yet Alex had only thought to separate them. What kind of person did that make her?

The villainess.

Alex suddenly felt ill and in need of a bath. Though it would take far more than a single tub of water to rid herself of this feeling of disgust.

“Anyway,” Lucien continued with a shake of his head. “Perhaps I’ve been too precious about it.” Then he fixed her with a look. “And you?”

“I didn’t give it much thought one way or another, to be honest,” she said. “Not until the opportunity to bed a man presented itself.”

“Benjamin Chisolm.”

Her cheeks burned with that old hurt. That resentment. She looked away. “I thought I loved him.”

“That is understandable. I’m sure he was very charming.”

Alex chafed against his gentle tone and turned back to him. “I wasn’t some cow-eyed idiot who lifted my skirts over a few pretty words.” Then she narrowed her eyes. “Is that what he told you?”

Lucien shook his head. “No. Not at all. He said he was your tutor and that you had feelings for him.” He cleared his throat. “Feelings that weren’t… reciprocated.”

Alex’s immediate reaction was to laugh. She almost would rather Benjamin had told Lucien the truth.

Or a closer version of it. But then a darker, uglier thought occurred to her.

She inhaled a shaky breath. “And you believed him without question because of course that was the most likely explanation.”

Lucien’s brow furrowed, but he didn’t deny it. “I—I didn’t… that is—”

Heat gathered behind her eyes while the familiar taste of rejection clawed up her throat. Damn him for making her think he actually understood her. And damn her for ever entertaining such a stupid idea.

“Because I couldn’t have possibly been the one to end things, is that it? After all, a woman like me would be lucky to have an offer from a man like him,” she practically growled.

“Alex. No,” he protested weakly, but his crimson cheeks gave him away. Then he let out a sigh and dragged a hand down his face. “I’m sorry. I did believe his story, but I never thought for even a moment that you would have been lucky to have him.”

She softened a little at the incredulousness in his voice, but she crossed her arms against the urge to accept his apology. Alex didn’t owe him her forgiveness. Not yet. “All right, then.”

He began to rub his palm in slow circles over her shoulder and her eyes fluttered shut. His touch felt so warm and comforting that she was sorely tempted to lean against him. To let someone take care of her for just a moment. “Why did it end?”

She opened her eyes and mulled over the question before answering.

“I expected to work for my father after I left Oxford,” she began.

“Benjamin did not agree. He wanted me to support his career at the cost of my own. And use my connections to help him, of course.” Her jaw tightened as she spoke, but she pushed on.

“We argued about it. Frequently. When it finally became clear to him that I would not give in, he threatened to go to my father to force my hand.”

Lucien dropped his hand and looked properly shocked. “That fiend.”

Alex shrugged. “He was hardly unique. Very few men are willing to cast their own dreams aside to support their wives. But I was too young and naive to realize that at the time.”

“Did your father ever find out?”

Alex shook her head. “Only Will knows the truth. He took care of Benjamin.”

“By offering him a ticket to America,” Lucien supplied.

Alex flashed him a grim smile. “Along with a few other things to help him find his feet. My allowance at the time couldn’t cover the entire cost.” Then she turned away. “After that I promised myself I would never rely on anyone else ever again.”

“But there are some things we all need that can’t be bought, Alex,” he murmured.

Her shoulders tightened and she neatly stepped away from Lucien. She had indulged in enough self-pity for one evening. “Not me.” Then she looked back at him. “I’ve made sure of that.”

Lucien looked dubious but did not press her on this. “Why do you think he’s returned to London?”

Alex relaxed a little, grateful for the subject change. “Marguerite said his father is ill, but I doubt that is the whole truth.”

“Don’t you think it’s odd that he wants to invest in my business?”

“No, because it’s a good idea.”

“Alex,” Lucien began, shaking his head. “You can’t expect me to ignore your past with him. The man had barely said hello before he started telling me all about you.”

“And as I told you before,” Alex insisted. “You shouldn’t let personal feelings interfere with—”

“Not if I don’t trust him,” Lucien countered. “Believe me, if there is one thing I’ve learned from running the supper club it is that a person’s character matters.”

Alex pressed her lips together. She didn’t know what else to say. If Benjamin did end up making Lucien the best offer, she wanted him to take it. She wouldn’t be an obstacle to his success.

“You’ll only be hurting yourself if you reject him simply because of me. And I don’t need your pity.”

“I do not pity you, Alex.”

“But you… you feel something .”

“Yes, I do,” he said plainly. “And that matters.”

The admission should have sparked joy in her, but Alex only felt miserable. “Not in business.”

He stared at her for a moment before letting out a scoff. “Right,” he said as he pulled on his jacket. “My mistake, then.”

As he gathered his things, every part of her cried out in protest.

Wait.

But Alex stamped down the feeling. Buried it with all the others she did not indulge in. Better for him to be disappointed with her now than later on anyway.

He did not look at her again before he stormed from the room. And Alex was alone once more.