Page 35 of Is This Real or Just Pretend?

He wasn’t the first man she had been with.

But he was the first man—the only man—who had considered her pleasure.

That was the problem. Technically, Benjamin took her virginity—which she believed to be a social construct designed to control women anyway—but her first taste of true intimacy was with Lucien.

He had seen a side of her no one else had.

A side she normally kept carefully hidden away.

Because it signaled uncontrollable need.

Dependency. Recklessness. All the things she abhorred most.

“May I speak with you,” he continued. “Privately?”

Yes.

Alex shut her eyes against the nearly overwhelming urge to accept his offer. To allow herself to be spirited away to some dark corner. And then…

She forced her eyes open. The balance of power had shifted between them. And it had to be remedied immediately.

“I’d prefer we stay here,” she said carefully.

Lucien’s brow wrinkled with concern rather than irritation. “All right. Would you care for any refreshments?”

Alex nodded. Her throat felt lined with sandpaper.

Lucien smiled at that and rose before offering her his arm.

Must he always be so polite ? She took it reluctantly and allowed him to guide her to the next room, where a large bowl of punch and plates of shortbread were laid out.

He handed her a glass first, before taking his own, then gestured to the shortbread, which she declined.

Aunt Winifred was nearby, talking with an older man that must be her erstwhile friend.

She caught Alex’s gaze and nodded in approval.

No doubt Aunt Winifred wouldn’t mind if she and Lucien slipped away somewhere.

There were likely a half dozen empty rooms in this place.

Perfect for a quick tryst. Alex forced the wayward thought from her mind and took a sip of punch, then grimaced.

Lucien chuckled. “It does leave something to be desired.”

“Did no one taste this after dumping an entire sack of sugar into the bowl?”

“An appalling misuse of sweetener,” he quipped, flashing her that private little smile once more.

The corners of her mouth trembled with the urge to return it. “Your Gallic sensibilities must be horribly offended. Let me apologize on behalf of the British inclination to over-sugar anything.”

The smile turned into a grin. “Ah, but you forget I have the audacity to be half English. An unforgivable flaw of which I was often reminded.”

“Oh heavens, I can only imagine,” she said with a laugh. A laugh.

And all while Lucien watched her with those dazzling eyes of his. Then he took another sip of the terrible punch and winced. “God, it’s even worse the second time.”

Another laugh burst from her, even louder than the first, and Alex slapped a hand over her mouth as a few people cast inquiring looks in their direction.

Get ahold of yourself.

She removed her hand and straightened her shoulders, attempting her usual formality. “I assume you didn’t wish to talk to me about the punch.”

Lucien glanced down and shook his head. “No. I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday.” Then he looked up, his eyes filled with remorse. “You were right. I made a number of assumptions about you and it was difficult to accept my own thoughtlessness.”

Alex felt her heart skip several beats. She shouldn’t be so affected by this simple admission. After all, she was right. And yet, how often had anyone—least of all a man —admitted it with such simplicity? Such lack of hubris?

“Thank you,” she murmured. “I appreciate you saying that.”

The corner of his mouth lifted and he leaned a little closer to her. As she inhaled a greedy lungful of his scent, her eyelids fluttered. Would he ask to speak with her privately once more? Alex wasn’t sure she possessed the strength to say no a second time.

“Then we are friends again?”

She snapped to attention. He was giving her a hopeful, open look that called to mind that long-ago night when she had found him by the hedge, his boyish face streaked with tears.

You really think I could leave this place?

“Yes. Of course. Friends.” Alex looked away as she swallowed the bitter tang that filled her mouth. Friends. “Excuse me. I need to freshen up.” Then she left without another word.

Alex remained in the powder room for as long as she possibly could before her aunt would come looking for her. She stared at her somber reflection in the gilt-framed mirror and pretended to fuss with her hair, though there was no one else around she needed to convince.

Friends.

It wasn’t until he said the word that she realized just how very much she did not want to be Lucien’s friend.

Friends didn’t yearn to feel the heat of their bodies pressed together. Or kiss each other. Or spend an inordinate amount of time wondering what the other looked like naked.

At least, not any friend she had ever had.

Alex certainly never thought about Will that way. Even when she proposed to him.

No. These feelings for Lucien were decidedly un -friendly.

So stop being a coward and tell him.

Alex sighed and leaned her forehead against the mirror’s cool glass. She could accept that he was attracted to her. But would her pride allow her to accept being second in his heart to Freddie?

“I don’t know,” she whispered in the quiet of the room. She hated this feeling of weakness. Of uncertainty. She had felt this way once before and had resolved never to put herself in such a position ever again.

Only one option remained. She must tell Lucien how she felt and exactly what she wanted. Master this desire before it consumed her.

She stepped out into the hall and marched toward the lecture room with a newfound determination. But she hadn’t taken more than a few steps before an all-too-familiar voice called out from behind her.

“May I have a word, Miss Atkinson?”

The chill that ran through her brought her to a halt.

Though his voice was as smooth as silk, she well knew it was more a demand than a question. For Benjamin never took “no” for an answer. Except once. And Alex had paid for that quite dearly.

She turned around and cast him her most withering look. The one that reliably made grown men cower. “What do you want?”

But he only smiled as he strolled toward her. “Come now. Is that any way to greet your first love?”

Alex rolled her eyes. “You are nothing of the sort.”

“If that’s what you need to tell yourself to carry on, so be it.” He gave her a smug little smile that turned her stomach.

Good Lord, how had she ever been attracted to this man? Alex longed to give her younger self a much-needed dressing-down for falling for such shallow charms. She lifted her chin. “You know very well that I am involved with someone.”

“Yes, the boy,” he said with a dismissive flick of his hand. “That’s what I want to speak to you about, actually.”

“Well, I don’t want to speak with you at all. About anything .” She then turned on her heel and continued back down the hallway. No doubt Benjamin would interpret her utter disinterest for hurt, but she didn’t care.

“Oh, I think you will want to hear what I have to say very much, Alexandra.”

She hesitated at the warning in his voice and couldn’t help looking over her shoulder. Benjamin remained in the same spot, but the look he gave her brought her to a complete stop.

He knew. She didn’t know how, but he knew .

She faced him and crossed her arms. “Out with it, then. I must return before Mr. Taylor begins to worry.”

Benjamin chuckled as he approached her.

“I had my suspicions from the first. But it wasn’t until I had a very interesting conversation with your sister at the Langhams’ last week that I became certain that this was nothing more than a farce.”

Alex’s mouth went dry. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Benjamin tilted his head. “Don’t you? Admittedly it took a few generous cups of Lady Langham’s famous punch to get anything out of the chit, but once I mentioned you and your little paramour, she was all too willing to express her… let’s say, ‘skepticism,’ over the pairing.”

Alex swallowed.

“I knew you could be ruthless when it came to business, Alexandra, but I never thought you would stoop so low as to keep your own sister apart from her true love.”

“I have done nothing of the sort,” she said coolly.

“That’s not what Winifred thinks,” he said with a shrug. “In fact, she’s rather torn up about it, poor thing.”

Alex stepped closer and pointed her finger directly against his chest. “You’re lying .”

He merely raised an eyebrow. “Are you certain of that?”

Alex pursed her lips. She wasn’t, actually. But given their past, it was a reasonable assumption. “What do you want?”

“I’ve been trying to arrange to meet with Lucien again, but the lad’s been rather evasive. I can’t help but think you’ve put him off me.”

“I absolutely have not.” That, at least, was true. “Perhaps you need to make him a better offer.”

Benjamin seemed to consider this, then shook his head.

“Hmm. No, I don’t think so. Actually, I think he should accept my new offer.

Unfortunately for him, it isn’t as good as my original offer.

But it does come with the assurance that I won’t ruin his reputation and yours by spreading some rather nasty rumors. ”

Alex didn’t know why she was so shocked. She should have anticipated something like this since the moment he appeared in the LaSalles’ salon.

“You’re threatening to blackmail me again ?” She let out a bitter laugh. “I thought you would have come up with something better by now.”

Benjamin raised his hands up in a helpless gesture. “I stick with what works. And this approach has served me well in the past.”

Alex gritted her teeth against the knowing look he gave her.

She wasn’t sure what angered her more: that she was being swindled by this man yet again, or that the whole of society was convinced he possessed some kind of unparalleled business acumen.

Though perhaps having absolutely no morals was the best way to get ahead.

“Why are you really back? Did something happen in New York?”

Benjamin flicked a glance at his nails, as if the question was terribly boring. “Oh, the usual. A few bad investments. A lean year in returns. A failed romance and a very irate husband,” he added with a sly look.

Alex rolled her eyes. “And now you need money.”

Then he met her gaze. “I need a guaranteed success. Quickly.”

“And you came to me of all people?”

He tilted his head, considering her. “You have good instincts. When it comes to business, at least. And besides, you owe me.”

“I absolutely do not ,” she huffed.

His eyes narrowed. “We would have been married for years by now if you hadn’t been so stubborn.”

Alex couldn’t hold back the incredulous laugh at the thought. “You are making a very big leap there, Benjamin.”

“Then give me this and I won’t do something worse,” he said. “Like go after your company.”

Alex’s breath caught. “You wouldn’t.”

“Only if I have to,” he murmured.

A heavy weight seemed to crash over her then and she let out a sigh. She was so bloody tired of dealing with people like him. But what choice did she have?

On impulse Alex grasped his hands. “Will you promise to make a success of him?”

She had never pleaded with anyone before. At least, not since she was a child begging Lucien’s mother for one more slice of cake. That she was now doing it on behalf of the same woman’s son was not lost on her. “Please, Ben,” she whispered. “If you ever cared for me, even just a little.”

He frowned and for a brief moment she caught a glimpse of something that looked very much like concern.

“Of course.” He then pulled his hands from her grip and smoothed his cuffs.

“That’s the best way to make real money anyway.

And it is a good idea.” He paused and gave her a considering look.

“Frankly, I’m surprised you didn’t want to invest in it yourself. ”

She let out a little huff. “I don’t want to go into the food business.”

“Why not? I know you helped with that proposal. It has your mark all over it. And your ideas were sound. Inspired, even,” he added reluctantly. “You can’t tell me you’re happy sitting in an office marking up other people’s ideas all day.”

“I’m good at it.”

“Yes, I know,” he said with a dry laugh. “But doesn’t it get terribly boring? I never thought you would still be working for your father all these years later. What happened to helping women open their own—”

“Stop,” she bit off, forgetting for a moment the power this man held over her. “We’re done here.” But for once Benjamin did as he was told and shut his mouth. “And I’ll speak to Lucien,” she continued, her voice as thin as a reed. “You’ll hear from him soon.”

Benjamin gave her a complacent nod and looked at his feet in an appropriate expression of shame, even if it wasn’t entirely felt.

Either way, she should be pleased. As promised, Lucien would come away from their agreement in a better position than he started.

And despite everything, she did believe Benjamin would use all his resources and connections to make the business a success.

But most important, she could put an end to this courtship farce with him.

Though it would be difficult, if not impossible, to sway the board without Lucien, Alex couldn’t go on like this.

She would have to think of something else.

But in the meantime, her life could go back to normal.

No more interminable evenings spent in theaters or ballrooms, gasping for breath in a too-tight gown, trying to convince everyone around her that someone actually wanted to be with her.

She would confess nothing to Lucien and had no desire to play the villain.

If he and Freddie still wanted to be together so badly, then let them.

Alex would not stand in their way anymore.

The Ericsons be damned. And then everyone would get what they wanted.

It was a perfectly Shakespearian ending.

But as Alex walked away, regret began to slowly churn inside her until she forced it to stop. Until she felt nothing but the numbing embrace of apathy. Then she forced her lips into a smile and entered the room.