Page 168 of Illicit Games

Shifting, I blink my eyes open to darkness. Reaching out, I find the other side of the mattress empty and panic.

Where did Kian go?

Tossing the blanket tangled around my thighs, I climb out of the bed. I step out into the hallway barefoot and go in search of Kian. Worry and fear make my mind spin, kicking away the sleep fog.

Moonlight trickles in through the glass walls, guiding me to the grand living room. On the wide L-shaped couch, my frantic gaze lands on Kian.

I suck in a relieved breath at the sight of his broad back.

When I trudge closer and round the couch, coming face to face with his front, a pang coils inside my stomach, spreading out everywhere.

He’s a heartbreaking picture of sadness and apprehension.

My knees go weak seeing my brute of a man like this.

His head jerks up, noticing my silhouette. Shaking off the stupor he was in, an anxious frown darkens his face. “Rainbow? Why are you out of bed? Did you have a nightmare? Shit. I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

“Hey,” I gently say, eating the distance between us. “I didn’t have a bad dream.”

“So, you’re okay?” he mumbles hoarsely, pulling me closer by my wrists and running his palms all over me.

I cover his hands with mine and climb onto his lap with my knees on either side of him. His fingers go to my hips, while I rub my palms up his chest. “Yes, love. I’m okay. Why are you out here?”

He swallows, not answering.

I study his handsome face underneath the moonlight. The stress lines crinkle the corners of his eyes, dark circles forming below.

Shame burns my cheeks as understanding dawns.

He’s been spending every day and night caring for me and neglecting himself. I was too wrapped up in my own grief to pay attention to his silent suffering.

He watched me almost die in his arms, and lived through a week without me while not knowing if or when I’ll wake up. Through all of it, he never had a chance to take care of himself.

It stops tonight.

“Have you been sneaking out here every night?” I ask. “Are you not able to sleep? You can tell me, Kian. I’m not in the same place I was a month ago. I’m so much better because of you. Talk to me.”

His fingers flex, breaths turning shallow as he silently watches me.

I wait, willing to stay up till morning if I have to.

“I can’t lose you, Iris,” he utters in a thick and scared tone. “I’ll die alongside you if you aren’t in this world anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I see you bleeding in my arms. I had never felt so helpless. Why would you take that bullet for me? Why?”

“You were about to take one for me. How could you think I would’ve stood by and not tried to save you?”

“Because that’s not how it should be,” he heaves. “When it comes to choosing betweenmydeath andyourlife, you choose to live. Always put yourself first. That’s how it goes.”

“There’s no choice. I will always choose you. It’s all I’ve ever known.”

“Baby…”

“This is what love is, Kian. It’s putting the other person before you. It’s willing to die for them, knowing they would do the same.” Trailing my hands up to his face, I cup him and rasp, “Do you know what I’ve learned through all of this? We only have right here and now. There’s no escaping death when it comes for either of us. Until the day it does, I want to live every day with you like it’s the last.”

“I’m not living a day without you, Iris.” Caressing my lips, his loving gaze roams over every contour of my face, becoming softer and passionate. “You’re my world. My entire universe. If you don’t exist, how can I?”

“Show me.” He stills. He hasn’t touched me in months. I need it more than ever. So does he. “Fuck me, Kian. Kiss me. Take me as many times as you want until the fear of losing me is the last thing on your mind. I’m alive. I’m with you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

The craving to become one with me ignites in his steely eyes. Desire and naked love replace the sadness lurking on his face.