Page 7

It feels like a jackhammer is pounding against my skull trying to crack it open, so someone can inspect my shrivelled brain. My mouth is desiccated and dry, tacky cotton lines my lips, coating my tongue as it runs along them. I try to open my eyes, but it feels like they’re being sucked into a vortex in the back of my head. I feel like shit. Shittier than shit. The fucking worst I’ve ever felt.

No matter how hard I try to recall last night, and getting home, it feels like I hit a solid concrete wall. My mind is not even foggy it just comes up blank, and every time I try, it ratchets up the incessant hammering inside my head. The last thing I remember clearly, well as clearly as humanly possible for someone who is clearly suffering a seismic hangover anyway, is reading Kayden’s letter? Note? Not really fucking sure how I should class it, but that pain is still brutally battering me, slicing deep enough to carve me to insurmountable tiny pieces. That deep emotional pain, coupled with the physical pain manifesting in my head has me wanting to hide away from the world for the rest of my life but something, somewhere tells me that’s not a luxury I can afford.

Physically peeling back the lids of my right eye with my fingers, I squint taking in my foggy surroundings, but it’s enough to know I’m in my bed, in my room. How or when the fuck I got here I have no idea. Even the softest exhale feels like a battering ram charging through my body making nausea churn in my stomach like a whirlpool. I need to get up, but I’m dehydrated and exhausted. My arms feel like they’re filled with lead but I have to take control of myself, otherwise I might as well die here. Even that sounds preferable to moving right now.

The click of the door latch sounds like it’s magnified through a megaphone assaults my ears making me wince as a gravelly moan claws its way up my throat as I sink deeper into the sanctuary of my duvet. “I brought you some water and Anadin.” The soft clink of a glass on the bedside table makes me shudder and brings a fresh wave of pain through my head.

“Shhh,” I hiss, recoiling from the sound, pulling the covers over my head.

His soft chuckle surrounds me like a warm embrace, easing the impetuous pounding for a second. “I don’t know what you did yesterday, but you were fucked off your face when I brought you home.” I tense at Gale’s softly spoken words, my muscles spasm sending white hot pain throughout my body.

“Ahhh.” I lick my still dry lips, the thick sludge on them making me retch. “I-I d-don’t…” I huff words eluding me.

“It’s okay.” A warm hand rests against my forehead before brushing back the damp strands of hair that are glued to my face. “You’ll be alright,” he says, concern lacing his tone. I can’t see him but I feel him move closer, hear the soft thud of his weight when he hits the floor next to me. “Why Rhys?”

“Why…what?” I croak.

“Why were you there? Why did you drink a whole bottle of scotch, you hate the stuff, ‘cause it reminds you of your father.” An involuntary shudder rolls through me and I clutch my stomach as I retch again, bile wetting the back of my tongue.

“I… I had my r-reasonsss.” I breathe, struggling to find the words because in all honesty I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to remember why. “Brain… no… work.”

“You were black out drunk.” His tone sounds almost accusatory yet laced with guilt. “But I think it was more than that though, wasn’t it?”

I try to shake my head but it only intensifies the pain in my head filling my mouth with bile. I start to choke, the back of my nose burns from the acidic liquid and tears stream from my still closed eyes. I gag, making a retching sound as more and more scalding liquid fills my mouth, searing a path up my nose. I roll forward towards the edge of the bed just as the dam of my lips starts to falter and a trickle of sick drips down my chin.

“Oh, shit! Oh fuck! No. No, no, no, no. Hang on… I’ll… I’ll grab the bin.” Gale stumbles over his words as vomit starts spilling from the corners of my mouth. My cheeks bulge. I can’t hold it in any longer or I’ll choke myself to death. Fuck! Yes please, that’s far more preferable than upchucking my guts into the metal bin I can hear brushing against the bed sheet.

A cool hand lands on the back of my neck urging me forwards a bit more, until I’m practically on my stomach. “That’s it. Shhh Rhys.” His thumb strokes the hairs on my nape, calming the surging panic clawing at me. I fucking hate being sick. I hate losing control, it fills me with fear, with bone crushing dread and it’s only gotten worse since last summer. After learning Thom planned to drug and rape me. “It’s okay, let go… you’ll choke otherwise, man.”

As if he said the magic words my lips prize themselves apart as vomit surges up my throat, burning the flesh raw as I unload the liquid contents of my stomach into the bin. Wave after tumultuous wave evicts itself from my body in hacking, gulping coughs. My stomach muscles spasm to the point of pain and I feel like I’m going to pass out. This is fucking hell on earth.

“W-water,” I wheeze, once the bouts of sickness seem to start subsiding and I’m left exhausted, the taste of vomit and scotch a chalky residue on my tongue.

“Here you go.” A cool glass touches my lips. I latch onto it with a shaky hand and tip it up just a bit, enough for a small trickle of water to enter my mouth. I swirl it round like mouthwash and spit into the bin I can smell below me on the floor.

“Ugh.” I flop onto my back throwing my arm over my eyes. “Fuck this hurts.”

Gale snickers, “I bet it does.” He clears his throat and the bed dips by my feet. “You went fucking hard last night.”

“No,” I groan, a shiver rolls over me and goosebumps prickle over my overheated skin. “I-I don’t remember much.”

“Not surprised,” he snorts, making my lips twitch. “It took me, plus two other guys to get you out of there and into your car.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck.” The rustling of plastic shatters the silence that falls between us. “Rhys?”

“Mmmm?”

“What’s this?”

“What’s, what?” I rasp, dropping my arm from my face as I try once again to open my eyes.

“This?” I blink quickly hoping my eyes adjust and the world has stopped spinning. After what seems like hours but is probably only seconds my eyes focus on a small baggie—white residue coating the bottom of it—clutched between his thumb and forefinger and I gulp.

“I… umm…” I lick my lips and look up at the ceiling. “It’s a baggie, why?”

“The question is why was it on your table? Do you even know what was in it?”

“Ah…” Gale scoffs, shaking his head a look of disappointment crossing his face before his shoulders slump and the fight seems to drain out of him.

I sigh and gingerly pull myself up into a sitting position, finally realising I’m still in my clothes from yesterday minus my boots. I card my hand through my stiff hair trying to buy myself a few extra seconds as I try and get my muddled memories into some semblance of an order. “I found it in the draw in Kayden’s room.” My eyes burn as humiliation spreads through me.

“Do you know what was in it?”

I shake my head. “Nope.”

“Do you know how much was in it?” He whispers, tears filling his soulful hazel eyes, the pain in their depths hits me hard. There’s so much emotion there, layers and layers more than he’s ever let me see. It makes me feel like shit because I don’t understand it.

“No.” My voice cracks, my mouth refusing to work.

“You could have died.” Gale’s voice warbles, fracturing into little broken pieces. “You’re my best friend,” he sniffs. “And…” he licks his lips. “And I might never have got the chance to fix things with you.”

“You… what?” Confusion clouds my mind, most of yesterday still a jumble but pieces are slowly starting to come back to me, clicking into place.

“Oh, come on?!” He says in disbelief. “You… don’t remember?” His voice sounds almost hopeful, brutally fragile and I know I need to tread very carefully.

“It’s… my mind is…” I swallow back the saliva filling my mouth. “It’s like I’m staring out into a dark foggy night and someone has just turned the lights on full beam and I’m hit with a wall of white. I don’t… can’t…” My shoulders drop in defeat as I look up at my oldest friend through my lashes, pleading with my mind for him to have the guts to say what’s shaken him up so much.

He shuffles up the bed till he’s beside me, moving the bin filled with the contents of my stomach out of the way. He laces his fingers with my free hand and squeezes before dropping it. “I,” he swallows audibly. “This is really hard for me to say, I feel like an idiot but you know…” he shrugs. “I had to shoot my shot.”

“What are yo?—”

He cuts me off with a single glare. “I had to know if what I felt was real.” I look at him in confusion, screwing my eyes up as I wrack my brain trying to remember exactly what he’s on about. It’s hazy and indistinct, a barely formed memory that could slip through my hands like water. Us on the bed, facing each other talking—one of those deep conversations we haven’t had in months. Him leaning forward…

“Y-you kissed me,” I gasp, my eyes pinging between his eyes looking for confirmation that my mind isn’t playing tricks on me.

“I.. yeah.” He sighs, tugging at his dark hair, eyes looking anywhere but at me. His posture is rigid, the slump of his shoulders defeated. “I’ll get my stuff and be gone today?—”

“Do you want to explain?” I cut him off because a moment of insanity isn’t worth ruining our friendship over. I might be as hungover as fuck, but I’m still his friend first and foremost. I derive no pleasure in seeing him so anxious and confused. Even if he did try and kiss me I know there’s more to it because I know him.

“You sure?” He looks at me with water filled eyes, and a small reassuring smile curves my dry lips.

“Sure.” I pat the bed next to me, a sense of déjà vu hitting me. “Get me some Pepsi first, can you? Then we can talk.”

He snickers at my request, pushing up from the bed to stand. “Be back in a sec.” At the door he looks at me over his shoulder. “I’d never do anything to fuck up our friendship intentionally.” Biting his lip, “I hope you know that?”

“I do.” Relief flickers over his features as he leaves me to stew with my thoughts. My eyes must have fallen closed because the next second the bed bounces as Gale sits next to me thrusting a bottle of Pepsi in my hand.

“So…” I look up at him through my lashes as I swallow down the cool fizzy drink, feeling a zing from the sugar as it hits me. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I gesture to him to get started.

“I don’t know where to start.” He shrugs playing with the bottom of his t-shirt.

“You could start at the beginning?” A small smile lights up his face as he rolls his eyes. “Or you could start at the end and work back.” I spread my hands and shrug. “Wherever you’re most comfortable really.”

“We kissed.” He bites his lip looking at me guiltily as my breath hitches. I’m sure I’d remember kissing him. His eyes widen at the horror on my face, his hands raising in a placating gesture. “Well, no, umm… that’s not accurate. I kissed you.”

My fingers touch my lips, a hollow feeling settling in my gut. “Why?” I rasp.

“Uh… well.” His hands tremble as he smoothes them on his thighs. “I’ve always thought men were good looking like, you know?” I nod, you can appreciate someone’s appearance without being physically attracted to them. “And, umm, after you and Kayden I started to look at guys differently. I felt more drawn to them than before because, as you know, my father expects me to marry and have children.” His fingers curl like speech marks. “‘You will give me heirs to continue our family legacy. That is your job as my eldest son.’” Gale drops his tone to mimic his father.

“I get that. Neil, erm, always placed that expectation on me, just like the fact I had to take over his business too.”

“Right?! It’s so damn hard dealing with all that expectation.” He shook his head. “But anyway, after seeing you and Kayden together and happy,” he winces at his choice of words, “I looked a bit closer at myself and saw that it wasn’t just appreciation. I found I was really drawn to men and wanted to explore it.” His eyes drill into mine. “Or man to be precise.” I raised a finger and pointed at myself. His small nod was all the confirmation I needed. Gale, my best friend, was attracted to me. Oh shit this was awkward.

“So that’s why you, umm…”

“Yeah,” he said sheepishly. “But it didn’t quite go as I’d hoped.” I couldn’t help the snort that burst through my lips even if it did shoot daggers in my head. “The way you…” his words trail off, his shoulder slumping in defeat.

“Hey, hey,” I say softly. “It’s okay. I get it.” His eyes ping up to mine widening. “I’d had similar thoughts about K for a few years and had beaten myself up about it and how wrong it was but in the end,” I shrug, “it—we just felt inevitable.”

He nods in understanding. “And that is totally not what it felt like when I kissed you.”

“Well shit, blow to the ego.” I say as a broad smile crosses his face, a red blush staining his cheeks.

“Sorry, not sorry. I just hope we can put it behind us?” His fragile voice pleading.

I scoff. “It already is.” I squeeze his shoulder. “I’m sure the right girl or guy is out there for you.”

“Yup. Anyway get your butt in the shower you stink.” I snicker, lifting my arm I take a quick sniff and, oh fuck, I’m going to be sick again.

“Fuck! I need it.” I gingerly roll myself out of bed clutching my stomach as it sloshes, waves of nausea returning. Christ! I stumble to the en suite grabbing at the handle that wavers in front of me.

“I’ll go make us something to eat as it’s nearly lunchtime. I can’t help but snort as I push the door open with my foot, the hand not clutching my stomach reaching out for the sink to hold myself up.

* * *

“Fuck that smells good,”I hum as I walk into the kitchen still rubbing my hair dry with the towel before ditching it into the washing machine. “Need me to grab plates?”

“Sure, that would be great.” I shuffle round the kitchen searching for the right cupboard and start laying the table while he finishes our fry up. It has me drooling as much as it has my gut churning in resentment but I’m hoping getting some greasy food into me will help settle it down.

“You want juice too?” I say pouring a glass of cold OJ and downing half of it straight away, nothing beats the acidic freshness as it pours down my throat.

“Sounds good. Can you grab the brown sauce too?”

“On it.” I place them on the table as I take my seat just in time for Gale to drop a large fried breakfast down in front of me. “Hell yes! You should be a chef man, you’re so good.” I manage to mutter around a mouthful of sausage and egg.

His cheeks heat and he cants his head to the side. “I’ve thought about it, you know.” I pull my eyes away from my food to look at him.

“Really?” I smile, mirroring the one blooming on his face.

“Yeah. Would really stick it to my father too.” We both chuckle before devolving into a comfortable silence as we eat our breakfast. Just as I’m placing my cutlery down on the plate my phone starts buzzing like it’s stuck on vibrate. “You gonna get that? ’Cause it’s really annoying.”

“No, I thought I’d leave it going just to piss you off.” Gale sticks his middle finger up at me as he starts clearing the table, loading everything into the dishwasher. I peek over at my phone, “Huh, it’s an email from Dr Grey?” Confused, I pick my phone up and open the email I’ve just received. “What the fuck?!” My mouth drops open as I find the address and details of a role—my role—at Horizon House. A private institution that helps heal those facing mental health problems.

“So, what is it?” Gale asks curiosity piqued.

“Umm,” I lick my dry lips. “Apparently I have a job at Horizon House? Have you heard of it?”

“Ah, I think mum’s mentioned it before. One of her friends sent her daughter there after she had a miscarriage and an inevitable mental breakdown following it.” My heart stops the ensuing sorrow invading me like a poison. I’d never wish anything like that on my worst enemy.

“Well that’s just shit. She doing okay now?”

“I have no idea to be honest.” He rolls his shoulders, setting the dishwasher then leans against the worktop. “So… when do you start?”

“Today apparently,” I groan, scrubbing my hand over my face. Just my fucking luck the day I’m dealing with a killer hangover I have a new job, one I inadvertently agreed to under the influence.

“Maybe this will teach you not to drink, and get blackout drunk again,” he snickers.

“Sure. It’s not like I do it at every opportunity or even at all.”

Releasing a heavy sigh, Gale clasps my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know Rhys, and I totally understand why yesterday messed you up.” A sad, compassionate smile lingering on his lips. “There’s so many unresolved answers around Kayden going missing. I get it, I do. But…”

“There is no but, here. Just because the private investigator I got you to hire turned out to be useless doesn’t mean another one will be.” Exasperation flickers in his eyes, the weight of his stare bearing down on me. “I’ve got someone else I want you to try for me.”

“Maybe… it’s time to let him go?”

I flinch at his words, his hand drops off my shoulder. “If it was someone you loved more than your own life would you just give up after a few months?” He shakes his head, eyes dropping to his feet. “No. Exactly you wouldn’t, you’d be like a dog with a bone; going to the ends of the earth. I will never stop looking for him.”

Raising his hands in supplication, “You’re right. I just hate seeing you like this, hitting dead end after dead end.”

“I know and that means a lot, but it’s not like he’s just disappeared. Neil might not give a shit about him and Kira. He might claim they left a note, drained a bank account and ran for the hills, but you and I both know that doesn’t fit either of them.”

“True. If she was going to do something like that, she’d have done it years ago.” He plops down on the chair opposite me, “And there’s no way Kaden would have left you willingly… he loved you in a way I’ve never seen before.”

“I know.” I clutch my chest as it tightens with the onslaught of emotion that crashes through me. “I’m not giving up. I refuse.”

“Alright.” Shrewd hazel eyes lock on mine. “Give me the details of this guy and I’ll get that squared away whilst you’re at work.” He snickers.

“Fuck off! You’re going to need to drive me because I still can’t see straight.” A knock at the door ending our conversation abruptly. “You expecting anyone?” Gale shook his head as I pushed my chair back and made my way to the door.

Pulling it open a squat man stares up at me. Sweat beading on his brow, the strands of his comb over flailing in the wind. “Are you Mr Dixon?”

“I, uh, yes?”

He held out a clipboard to me, “Sign here please.” I look at him in confusion and he let loose a sigh of exasperation, shoving the clipboard at me, the pen dangling from some string tied to the top of it.

“What’s this for?”

Rolling his eyes, he looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s for the car you ordered to be delivered to you today.”

“I did?”

“Yes!” His red cheeks flush a darker shade and Gale’s chuckle behind me makes my lips kick up.

“Okay. Give me a sec whilst I read the paperwork, can I get you a drink, Mr?”

He snorts, “Jacobs is fine and no. No, thank you. I don’t have time. Have to get back to the showroom for a client later.” I nod along as I read through the agreement, sign it and hand it back. “Here are the keys, the girl’s had a full service, new tyers and a full detailing.” Jacobs nudges me with his elbow. “The leather in there is exquisite. Been a long time since I’ve seen such a nice red! You have great taste Mr Dixon.” He holds his hand out and wraps his sweaty fingers around mine which I surreptitiously try and wipe as soon as he releases me. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

“I’m sure,” I mutter as he spins on his heels and walks past a delicious gun metal grey BMW Z4. “Fuck, I can drunk shop.” I card my hands through my hair as I take her in, deep grey metallic paint glinting in the sun like stardust. It’s an exquisite clean vehicle, it’s not a pedigree like my Aston but it’s nice enough and will go under Neil’s radar. If the worst comes to the worst, I can always claim it’s Gale’s.

Gale whistles right next to my ear, “Sweet! Can’t wait to take her for a spin.” I pin him with a glare and smirk. “I won’t go too fast princess, don’t wanna stain the leather.” I can’t help but snort, but immediately end up grabbing my stomach as a wave of nausea rolls in my gut. “Now go get ready, while I go check out the new car.”