Page 21

The haunted look on Rhys’ face when I left him this morning is there every time I close my eyes, nothing I do will shift it. The look of determination, adoration and love in his eyes when I vowed to tell him everything was enough to make me feel like I was a fragile, splintered pane of glass and he was all that was holding me together. I just had to hope that it didn’t change the way he looked at me because if it did it would be one of the final moments of my life.

My skin was itching, like layers were peeling off leaving my flesh raw and exposed. I wanted to claw at it, shred it with my fingers or my blade to release the pressure building inside me before I imploded and ruined everything. I needed an escape, a release. My thoughts were destroying me. I was drowning in the cacophony of voices in my head, that slithered under my skin and poisoned every part of me. I was trying not to think, to shut them out and just exist but as I fought to keep my head silent I discovered it was a killer too, maybe the most deadly of them all.

The door to the rear lawn creaks open as the wind catches it, just a sliver but it’s enough for a beam of cold light to illuminate the dark hallway. I nudge it wider with my boot, slipping out of the main house unseen. The grass beneath my feet is cloaked in frost, each blade shimmering like scattered diamonds in the relentless glare of mid-morning light. With every exhale, my breath forms white clouds that seem to crystallise in the air, a taunting reminder of the bitter cold that claws at my skin, leaving my cheeks flushed and raw.

The flimsy jacket I threw on offers little in the way of protection against the winter’s icy grip, but I keep moving, hands shoved deep into my pockets in a futile attempt to stave off the chill. The brightness of the day assaults my senses, burning my retinas and forcing me to squint as I make my way across the lawn, seeking out the solace of the dense woods. The safety in the darkness, where I can break and no one will see me as I sink my blade into my arm and release the sickness that infects my blood.

My fingers idly toy with my cigarette packet in my pocket, finding familiarity in my self destruction. My eyes dart nervously in sweeping arcs across the grounds scanning for any sign of a prison guard in the shadows. But for the moment it seems I’m alone, with only ghosts of the past to keep me company. A voice in the back of my mind incessantly reminding me of the group therapy session I should be in right now. The weight of everyone’s expectations closing in around me with steel bars trapping me in another cage not of my design. I need to breathe. I need to be free of the walls of another prison that holds me without my consent.

I hate the feeling of eyes on me twenty four seven like I am some freak exhibition that they are all watching and waiting to do something crazy. The fact that it is so close to the truth makes the world shrink around me at an alarming rate. I am a ticking time bomb with an expiration date that is fast approaching. Realistically I should be terrified by that fact, haunted by it. But instead I welcome it with open arms and a rotten soul that doesn’t deserve the light Rhys’s presence brings.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

The hardest part about following this path—making this choice—one that would lead to my death is that it would take me away from Rhys knowing he couldn’t follow me. He is as intricately broken as I am. He hasn’t been poisoned by Neil’s touch like I had. Yes, he’s been manipulated and moulded into someone he doesn’t want to be. Yes, he’s been hurt and traumatised by his father’s actions but he hasn’t been so intrinsically broken that it is pointless trying to find all the scattered pieces of himself that lay buried and desiccated in the graveyard that is his life. No, that is me.

This is going to hurt, but Ill pay any price to give him the chance to live the life he deserves. He is part of me—my life. The hopes and dreams that I’m too scared to acknowledge—to want. Rhys is my reason for existing. He’s the gravity that holds me together. A tether to this life that is fraying like a thread unwinding. He’s every beat of my heart, every molecule of air in my lungs and the essence in my veins. He’s been the creator of my dreams, the caretaker of what’s left of the fragments of my heart. He’s been my muse, my devil, my angel. He’s been in every word I’ve ever written, tattooed on my heart and branded on the fading tendrils of my soul.

He is everything good in this fucked up world and I am the dark shadow that has hung over him for the last ten years draining him dry. To love him the way he deserves I need to set him free.

And to do that I must die.

Before I know it, frost covered grass gives way to brittle leaves and twigs that crack under my feet sounding like broken bones. The woods are silent save for the sound of the wind rattling together bare spindly branches that claw at each other. It doesn’t take long for me to find a dryish log to sit on, the ache in my arm is more pronounced today as the temperature has suddenly dropped. I flick the bottom of my cigarette packet waiting for one to offer itself up as a sacrifice and pull it out placing it between my lips. The flame from the light dances brightly in the breeze as I spark up, the tobacco turning a deep red as it starts to burn the cherry burning brightly, the smoke coiling around me like a mocking halo. Taking a long drag I inhale the thick toxic smoke feeling it fill my lungs bringing a twisted sense of comfort, the tension in my shoulders easing. As the toxins start to filter through my body, my blood starts to hum and a wave of relaxation washes over me, drugging me.

I kick back and lay down on the log, my eyes shuttering closed as I focus on every inhale and exhale blocking out the world around me. My mind drifts as the comforting embrace of nature quiets the incessant destructive howl of the monsters in my mind making them relinquish their hold, claws retracting from my ravaged brain.

The cold wind licks at my skin but I barely feel it as I lose myself to the silence and I wonder if this is what death feels like. I smile into the blackness that dances behind my eyes.

* * *

“Eduardo,honey, you must be freezing your balls off.” My eyes spring open as Kait and Michelle materialise through the darkness and come to sit on the stumps opposite me. My teeth chatter making me clench my jaw as tendrils of ice weave through me chilling me to the bone. It’s a penance I deserve for even breathing, the numb pain radiates through me as I look at the two girls who have become my pseudo friends.

“Fuck, it’s cold as balls out here,” Kait mutters into her gloved hands, wiggling until she’s comfortable.

“That’s what he said,” Michelle cackles, throwing a wink my way.

My lips twitch as I push up from where I’m laying, and swing my legs over so I can sit up and face them pulling out another fag as my other one is, well gone. Fuck how long have I been out here? “What time is it?” I grunt as I spark up taking a few quick drags till the cherry catches.

“Hello to you too, Eddie.” Michelle rolls her eyes before checking the diamond encrusted watch on her arm. “It’s umm….”

“It’s not a trick question princess.” Kate grouses and leans over to check the time. “It’s almost two, why?”

“Huh.” I shrug, not really giving a shit I’ve been out here for almost four hours and can barely feel my fingers. “You guys are rich, right?” Apparently the cold has frozen my brain so I just blurt shit no one wants to hear. I scrub my hand over my face as I try to organise my chaotic thoughts. If anyone can help me it’s these two. I don’t know how or why but I trust them in a way I’ve never trusted a ‘friend’ before. Maybe ‘cause we’re all locked up in here, being fed drugs like chickens are forced to lay eggs in a battery farm. I just don’t know but my gut is pushing me to open up.

“What is this some kind of secret society initiation?” The wicked smile splitting Michelle’s face is downright devious. I scoff, choking on the smoke I’m exhaling.

“Good one, sweetie.” Michelle beams up and Kait rests her head against her shoulder. Hmmm this is an interesting development between these two, are they friends or more? I haven’t got a clue but fuck it, if they are they deserve to find a modicum of happiness when ever they can.

“Blurgh,” I fake gag at the hearts in their eyes making Michelle snicker and Kait sit up straighter. “You two got something you wanna tell me?”

“Maybe one day, bad boy,” Kait chirps, eyes running over my face a discerning look flickering over hers. “What’s up with you, you look different?”

“His lips are doing that weird thing they were the other day.” She elbows Kait and runs her index fingers across her lips before pulling that up her cheeks mimicking a smile. “What is that, do you know?”

Kait shrugs then turns her dark gaze on me. “Wanna tell us what’s chewing your ass? ‘Cause if that thing on your face is a smile I think hell might be freezing over.”

“Fuck off,” I grit out and curl my free hand into a fist. It’s amazing how I can feel so invisible yet so seen by these two when everyone seems to operate like I don’t exist unless they’re being paid to notice me. It leaves me feeling raw—volatile—like that nagging itch beneath my skin is crawling out, distorting into something far more dangerous.

“Alright,alright can we go back to the rich comment? We’re all rich here fuckface, that’s how we can afford to be here.” I shrink in on myself the more Kait’s assessing gaze drills into me. “You ready to talk yet?”

“Not all of us are rich.” I swallow down the emotion working its way up my throat knowing they’re going to leave me in the fust. “I don’t know how or why I’m here or who is even bank rolling all this.” I spread my hands in a wide arc and wait with bated breath for their response.

Michelle’s mismatched eyes widen, her teeth sink into her purple bottom lip as her gaze rovers over me. She cocks her head in thought before her eyes lock on mine. “I think it’s time you told us the truth, buttercup.”

I tense at her words, and my mouth goes dry. “I…”

Confusion clouds Kait’s face, her eyes flicking between me and Michelle. “You don’t have amnesia Maxie—” I feel like I’m swallowing glass. “—you’re hiding. Running.” Tears prick the back of my eyes so I focus on crushing my fag but into the dirt at my feet. “We won’t judge you?—”

“Fuck, we all have secrets,” Kait adds. My eyes snap up to her, the open honest look on her face fractures the barricades I’ve installed around my past.

“How about we start from the beginning?” Michelle gets up and walks over to me holding out her hand. “Hey, cutie. I’m Michelle.” A small smile flickers at the corner of her lips, she nods to Kait to do the same.

Huffing Kait saunters over to me, shoulder checking Michelle out the way. “Hey, I’m Kait. Alcoholic, sexaholic, not workaholic.” I snort, her grin infectious. “I’m pan, love sex haven’t really had any in weeks and my favourite pastime is digging up people’s shit and meddling in their lives. Being an heiress with nothing to do gets boring, so I find my own entertainment.”

I sit there in silence, staring at the two girls in front of me. My brain processing Kait’s words and fuck it feels like I’ve been thrown a life raft in the middle of a storm when I’ve been lost at sea. I clear my throat and take their hands. “I’m Kayden Huxley. I’m fucked up in ways you can never imagine. I woke up in a hospital bed after overdosing and throwing myself off a bridge to see Jenna sitting in a chair opposite me.” Michelle gasps, and covers her gaping mouth with her hand. Kait wraps her arm around her, dragging her back to the stumps and settling her in her lap.

“Fuck.”

“Holy-fucking-shit.” They say together.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Michelle mutters. “S-so how are you here?”

“I honestly don’t know. Jenna said that she ran a place that could help me and it was under the advice of the doctors treating me that I went with her once I was healed enough to be released. And well, here I am.” I shrug, carding my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands as fear and trepidation skitter down my spine. “It wasn’t really like I had a choice in the matter either.”

“Ha! Yeah once she gets something in her head you have to go with it. Getting strong armed by her isn’t pleasant.” I tilt my head, begging with my eyes for her to confirm what Jenna has hinted at multiple times. Releasing a heavy breath Michelle stares at me through unseeing eyes and whispers, “Jenna is my sister. She saved me from an institution our parents locked me away in because I was an embarrassment.”

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Kait wraps her arms around Michelle’s middle pulling her slight frame closer. Tucking her head in the crook of Michelle’s neck whispering words that I can’t hear in her ear. My heart stutters as what Michelle said sinks in, Jenna told the truth. Maybe, just maybe I can trust her. Maybe I’m not as alone as I think I am.

They break apart a few minutes later both with red rimmed eyes, their buoyancy deflated, something in my chest tightens at the sight of their pain. Licking her lips Michelle says, “What led you to j-jump?”

“You don’t have to tell us, Kayden, but if we can help in any way…we will.” Kait adds.

I sigh, scuffing the tip of my boot in the dirt. Am I prepared to share my story with them? No. But there’s a part of me that knows it’s going to happen regardless and that in telling them, it might make them want to help me. “Well, it all started when I was eight and my mum took me to Pizza Hut for dinner after school and my life as I knew it changed forever.” I break down as I give them the cliff notes of what’s happened over the last ten years. With each word that spills from my mouth as I dredge up every excruciating moment of pan I’ve endured I see them change and break right alongside me. Their empathy chips away at the walls I’m fighting to reinforce to keep the world at bay. With each blow I deliver the tears running down their faces gives me a sense of validation, that muzzles the monsters in my head.

“And the day I… j- jumped.” I swipe at the tears in my eyes that are turning the world hazy and suck in a stuttering breath, trying to calm my racing heart enough to be able to force the words out. “My teacher from the college summer course I was forced to take stopped by to deliver the test results for a DNA analysis we had to do?—”

“It was weird he dropped it off,” Kait mutters, I draw my gaze from the hole I’ve toed into the earth, confusion making me scowl. “I mean, why would he when it would have come through the post normally.” She shrugs toying with the sleeve of her coat, her discomfort radiating from her.

“She makes a good point, that is odd. You must admit.” Michelle adds in a soft voice.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” I swallow, it feels like razor blades slicing me open an echo of the pain I felt when I read the results and everything I thought I knew changed in the blink of an eye. I push the heel of my hand into my eyes trying to beat the assault of images of what happened next from my mind. It doesn’t, just makes them appear in technicolour as bursts of light mock me. The only thing that might help temper the pain is a lobotomy.

Where once hope had thrived, now only desolation reigned supreme. Dreams that once danced vividly in my mind now lay shattered, fragmented into a labyrinth of nightmares. The air itself seemed heavy with the weight of its sorrow, each breath a laborious reminder of the emptiness that pervaded every corner of my existence. In the absence of light, darkness seeped insidiously into every crevice of my soul, suffocating any flicker of hope that dared to linger.

Michelle’s hands land on my knees and I flinch as her hands squeeze my legs. “Shhhh, Kayden.” Her hand rubs soothing circles on my thigh, so like her sister. It’s unreal the kindness they offer those they don’t really know, a flicker of warmth blooms in my chest as I drown in the misery of what happens next. “What happened next?”

“Oh, babycakes.” Kait sobs as her arms wrap around my back. That’s so fucked up. I’m so, so, so fucking sorry,” she rasps her lips next to my ear. Michelle pushes up, slips onto my lap and brackets me in her arms as well. I’m cocooned in their embrace, it’s the only thing holding me together and I try to suck in air through tear drenched lips.

“How can we help?” Kait asks a little while later. The late afternoon sun filters through the trees as the world slowly comes into focus around us and we fall apart. I grab another cigarette from my nearly empty pocket, offering one to the girls but they just shake their heads as they wipe away their tears and lock down their emotions.

“I need someone to help me ruin him.” Vengeance flashes in their eyes, they know who I’m talking about without me needing to say his name. “I want to hurt him, in the only way he will understand.” I sniff wiping my nose on the back of my sleeve and slip the fag between my lips. “I want to destroy his image. Show people who he really is underneath the mask and strip him of his power. I want to bleed his accounts dry leaving him poorer than dirt. Those are the only things that hold meaning to him. I want to take everything from like he did with me.”

“Huh.” Michelle taps her index finger against her lips as she thinks, the foot of her crossed legs bouncing in the air. “That’s a good plan. He… sounds very much like my parents. I’m so thankful that Jenna cut them out of our lives.”

“I don’t wanna get on your bad side do I?” Kait snorts, wrapping her arm around Michelle’s shoulder, her hand absentmindedly rubbing up and down her arm.

“Well? Can you help?”

“I might know someone, a hacker, they’re meant to be really good. I’ve never met them in person but I’ve spoken to them online.”

“Are they any good though?” Kait asks Michelle, her tone laced with scepticism.

“Well they did uncover an MP’s three mistresses that led to him being kicked out of his party and stuff. I could reach out to them and see if they think they could help?”

“Um, yeah thanks.” I wring my clammy hands together as the girls fall into a quiet discussion. “Michelle, how are you gonna reach them?”

A wicked smile slips across her face as she looks up at me and she pulls an old phone out of her pocket. “Advantages of my sister being the boss.” She waggles the phone in her hand, a chuckle slipping out of her. “Their name is Rogue, they’re an absolute sweetie, and have awesome purple hair. They were the one who told me to try my current look.”

“Do you think you can get me a phone?”

“Don’t worry.” Kait smiles. “I’ll get my brothers to leave one in the tree for you.”