Page 13

Soft rhythmic beeping entwines in my brain hauling me out of the foggy darkness. I try to open my eyes but they’re locked down with lead weights. Every muscle aches yet I feel numb like I’m floating partially separated from my body and slowly melting back into flesh and bone.

My arm twitches and pain strikes like lightning along my nerves centred in my hand as I attempt to clench my fingers into a fist. A low growl rumbles in my chest as I try to find the strength to move it but it’s restrained by something cold that bites into my skin.

“Motherfucker,” I rasp, my voice thick and unused, the words scraping against parched vocal cords. My mouth feels dry and desiccated, like a desert devoid of moisture. I swallow, rolling my tongue in hopes of conjuring some saliva, but there’s nothing—just the lingering taste of stale air and dirt.

“Welcome back, Kayden.” A soft voice croons. “Here, open up.” Something hard brushes against my cracked lips building in pressure until they part. “Drink this.” Warm water trickles between my lips, over my tongue and down my raw throat. I swallow down a few mouthfuls till my mouth stops feeling like ash and wet my lips.

“W-Where…?”

“You’re in the medical wing.” I suck in a laboured breath, clenching my teeth. “You had a psychotic break and we had to sedate you before you caused more harm to yourself or heaven forbid anyone else.”

I grunt clearing my unused throat as my brain tries to pull memories from the thick cobwebs clinging to it. There’s nothing but white noise and static, a fog surrounding my short term memory that I can’t breach.

“You’ve been out for three days. It will take time for your memories to come back… if they even do.”

“What d-does that mean?” I whimper.

“Your mind is delicate and sometimes when exposed to severe trauma or triggering events it shuts down to shield you from the pain.”

I scoff harshly and break into a hacking cough that makes me feel like my lungs are nothing more than dust. “I can only dream…” I lament.

“Hmmm. I think when you’ve come around properly we need to have a frank conversation, don’t you?” Jenna muses.

“I-I…”

“It’s okay, Kayden. I know you have your reasons for saying you don’t remember what you’re running from. But I want to help you. I promised you could trust me and I meant it.” Her warm hand grips my cold fingers giving them a reassuring squeeze. “But to be able to help you effectively, I need to know the truth. The whole truth. I don’t want you to resort to more self harm to purge your pain or lose you to an overdose as you try to outrun your demons.”

“Clearly I’ve failed.”

“I want you to live, but you have to want it too.” Her warm fingers push back the hair stuck to my forehead with dried sweat and stroke gently across my scalp with a tenderness I’m unaccustomed to.

“I-I’m scared… n-never… life…pain…” My throat constricts as emotion overwhelms me and burns the back of my eyes. I try to lift my hand, metal clinks against metal halting my movement. “W-what?” My lip quivers as I feel the restraint around my wrist dig in as I begin to trash against its unrelenting hold.

“Sshhh, Kayden. Shhh. I had to restrain you so you didn’t hurt yourself. If you can open your eyes and focus on me I can remove them.”

“P-please,” I beg. Coldness prickles across my skin making the hairs in my arms stand on end as I feel caged. Cornered. My heart hammers against my sternum as fear claws through me shredding the tenuous hold I have on my emotions.

“Open your eyes. This isn’t the first time you’ve woken up over the last twelve hours but every time you have you’ve been trapped in your mind. Spiralling and lost to your monsters.”

“I c-can’t.” Shame sears through my veins as tears break the seal of my eyes and fall down my dry cheeks. I don’t want her pity or her sorrow. I don’t want to see that look in her eyes that will make me resent myself more and wish that death would claim me.

“Yes you can. I believe in you.” Her words echo another’s whose voice haunts my nightmares like a dream. Only one person has ever said they believed in me. I will do anything to get back to him. To make him safe for the rest of his life. He deserves the world at his feet and someone worthy of him by his side and that’s something I’m not. If I have to spend the rest of my days loving him from the shadows, I will. As long as he lives and is free, I’ll do anything for him.

I grit my teeth,lock my jaw and dig deep inside me to the well of strength that is nearly bone dry, but I draw it all on and use every last drop to put my eyes open. It’s hazy like the world is covered in fog obscuring a muted light. Every blink feels like razor blades slicing my eyes as grit and gunk are dragged over my eyeballs.

“That’s it, Kayden. Something has lit a fire in you, I can see it burning. You are in control. No one else. Not your past or those who have hurt you. Only you.” Warmth blooms in my chest making my heart stutters and spread throughout my body, a fire licking at my veins. Instead of burning me down to nothing, it gives me strength and conviction.

Inhaling deeply I feel oxygen fill my lungs till they’re almost bursting before I exhale and release the trepidation that has been coiling around my muscles sucking at my strength like a leech. My eyelids flutter, blowing away the fog before opening and it’s like the first golden rays of dawn as the room slowly comes into focus. “H-hi.” A sheepish smile curls my cracked lips so I wet them with my tongue and swallow down the bile rising up my throat. “C-an…” I look down at my wrists and then back up into Jenna’s soft warm eyes.

Emotion flitters across her face so fast I can’t decipher what but I think it’s something like pride? “Well done, Kayden.” Her shoulder rises and falls on a silent sigh as her hand slips into her pocket and produces a small key. “Now you have to promise to talk to me honestly, so I can help you.”

I give a noncommittal shrug, rolling my bottom lip between my teeth. “I will once I’m sure I can trust you.” My voice is gravelly and rough but my intention is unmistakable.

“What can I do to prove my word is my bond?”

“If after a week no one knows who I am.” I cough training my watering eyes on my feet hidden under the blankets watching my ties wriggle. “Then, maybe, I can give you something to work with.”

“That’s all I ask.” She gets up and rolls my arm until my wrist is facing the ceiling and unlocks my right arm. I clench my fist and roll my wrist trying to get the blood flowing and it’s then that I notice the wounds on my arm and hand are dressed in fresh white bandages. “Mm, we’ll be talking about that coping mechanism too and how we can find a safer alternative.” She says from my other side and repeats the process with my left arm but before she allows me to have control of my hand she places a small dressing in my palm.

I look up at her quizzically, questions burning in my eyes. She sighs again, rubbing the feeling back into each finger as she looks at me. “We had to put the cannula in your hand as the veins in your arms kept collapsing and seeing as your right was bandaged up it was this or nothing.”

“T-thank you.”

“I will do whatever I can to support my clients. Now it’s been a few days and there are a couple of girls who really want to see you and make sure you’re alright.” She pats my arm and steps back striding to the door, with her hand on the handle she turns back to me. “You’re not the soulless monster you think you are.” With those parting words ringing in my ears I barely notice the door snick shut behind her.

* * *

Sandwiched between Kait and Michelle,for balance mainly ‘cause my legs are weaker than jelly, we meander across the manicured lawns at the back of the main house towards the woods at the back. The smell of freshly cut grass hangs in the air sickly and sweet, calming the jittering nerves that were running riot inside me. I tip my head back and feel the weight of the sun’s warm rays on my face and wonder if this is what contentment feels like? Warm, bright and inviting? Compared to the apathy I usually feel towards life, and the fact I was made to endure another day on this god forsaken earth.

“We’re almost there,” Michelle sing songs, releasing my arm to skip down the slope before us. Spinning on her heel she starts jogging backwards and I notice a lightness in her movements that hasn’t been there before. A sparkle in her eye and a slight blush to her cheeks. She’s glowing.

“Where are we going?”

“We have something fun planned for us?—”

“Kait!” Michelle snaps.

“Oops,” she giggles. “I mean you.” Stroking her hand down my arm making me shudder at the over familiar touch. “We have something special planned for you.”

“Like a welcome home party.”

“It was all Michelle’s idea,” Kait whispers in my ear. “I just do what I’m told. Not worth getting on her bad side.”

“Here we are besties!” Kait and I round a large Rhododendron bush to find Michelle laying a picnic blanket across the damp grass before placing a basket in the centre. “I did ask for cushions too but apparently they are in short supply.”

Collapsing on the blanket I tuck my hands behind my head staring at the clouds skittering across the ice blue sky thankful for the abnormally clement weather and lack of rain for once. It’s like we’re in another world here where the manicured lawns kiss the wild woods, perfectly concealed from the house and not a prison guard in sight. “How did you manage this, pixie?”

Michelle’s flaming hair flicks over her shoulder as she turns to look at me tapping her nose with her index finger, a smirk curling her lips. “I know someone, who knows someone.”

“Well that’s as clear as shit.” Kait snorts, diving into the basket. “Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.” She vibrates as she pulls out a selection of little bottles and starts kissing them.

“Is that?”

“Are they?” Michelle and I ask at the same time.

“Hell fucking, yeah!”

“Kitkat, you can’t shout like that,” Michelle deadpans.

Kait’s eyes flick to mine before rolling in her head then she points at her friend, “Um correct me if I’m wrong missey, but you were the one squealing and bouncing around a minute ago like the freaking energizer bunny.

“Eh.” Michelle shrugs and practically falls into the basket and starts rooting around oohing and ahhing and babbling to herself.

My eyes fall closed as I take a deep inhale of the cool fresh air. The pungent aroma of the woods intertwined with the crisp freshly cut grass wraps me in a soothing embrace and for a moment my mind is silent. No monsters, no Neil, no memories, no loss. Just silence and the calming sounds of the wind rustling through the trees.

“The fuck?” I grunt, as something sharp smacks me in the face making my eyes fly open. Snatching up the offending items and finding a brand new pack of fags and a matte black lighter. “Oh fuck.” My chest pinches at the kindness they’ve shown me that I’ve done nothing to warrant. “T-thank you.”

“Awww shucks, babycakes. Don’t go getting all emotional on us now.” Michelle pats my cheek and sits down next to me, plate in hand stuffing her face.

“There’s loads in there.” She says around a mouthful of food tipping her head towards the basket. “It’s the good stuff too, none of that rubbish they normally force us to eat.”

I snort. “It’s like a five star resort here, or what I assume the food would be like.” I finish in a small voice. Both girls turn to stare at me, heads tilted like listening puppies, confusion taking over their features.

“Oh honey, it’s four stars at a push,” Kait says with a smirk, flicking her black curls back from her mouth and necking one of the small bottles breaking the tension that had started to thicken the air between us.

“Whatever,” I mutter under my breath and focus on the cigarette packet I’m currently spinning in my hand. “Do either of you know what happened to the knife that was in my boot?”

“Ta dah!” A hand appears in front of my face with the knife in question balanced in the palm. “I’m too quick for them.”

Kait snickers. “I think what you mean to say is… you were practically laying on top of him to keep him calm and saw it fall out of his boot when he swung his leg up, nearly kicking poor Theo baby in the face.”

“Fuck.” I grab the knife slotting it in my boot and drop my head in my hands. “I thought they cleared the room.”

“Well, yeah, Theo gave it a shot, but this little limpet,” she gestures towards a grinning Michelle, “and her kleptomaniac tendencies couldn’t resist the spoils she could snag with her sticky fingers. So, she opted to stick around, pin you down, and raid the medical bags while she was at it and well, as they say, the rest is history.”

“Huh, well… that was good then.” I sigh, twirling the packet between my fingers like a coin before ripping it open and tapping one out. The girls start chatting between themselves as I spark up and take a deep inhale of toxic smoke indulging in the burn as it snakes down my throat and fills my lungs. The sound of their playful laughter makes me feel inadequate and small. I don’t understand the joy they feel in such little things. The peace they seem to embody even though they’ve been exiled here against their will because they didn’t conform to the stereotype someone wanted them too. I don’t understand how they don’t loath the ones who sent them here, how they’re not drowning in anguish and despair.

I’ve heard Kait talk to her family during her allotted phone privilege time informing them of how hard she’s working on herself, all for their approval. It makes my blood boil at what she’ll do for their acceptance. It makes envy seep through every fibre of my being that there’s someone who wants her to be part of their life if only she fixes the part of her that’s broken. Why should she have to change for someone else to accept her? If they really cared, surely they’d be here fighting by her side not sending her away and taunting her with false promises?

Taking another drag I pull my knees up to my chest, wrap my arm around them and stare into the darkening depths of the woods just beyond my reach as the cool breeze works through my hair. I want to go home, but I don’t have one—I’ve never really known what one is. I don’t think it’s a place built of bricks and mortar, of dreams and fallacies.

I think it’s a place where everything is alright but I don’t know anywhere that, that exists. I want it to be a place where I can crawl out from behind my own walls and crush them beneath my feet and lay bare the darkest parts of my soul without condemnation. I want to find acceptance and love but I’m lost in a war that doesn’t have an end; because it’s in my mind which never shuts down. Whether my eyes are open or closed I feel the scars deep inside me being sliced open with the echo of their actions and their words—never being allowed the chance to heal.

These memories, these moments—they’re etched into the very fabric of my being, intertwined with my bones, unyielding as the salt in the sea, immovable and everlasting. I am lost, adrift, consumed by fear that I may never again witness the look in his eyes that pierces through my nightmares, offering a fleeting form of solace.

I am tired of pretending to soar when I have no wings, exhausted from feigning strength when my heart lies shattered across the graveyard of my pain, fragmented and fragile.

I want to fall, break down into pieces and fade away.

Worthless. Unwanted.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

I know how this is going to end. What it’s going to cost me. But I’ll do it anyway because there is no other choice, it’s only a matter of time. I can feel death’s cold embrace waiting for me, its wicked smile lingering around me, palpable, real. I close my eyes and smile right back.

The sound of a branch snapping, like a bone breaking, reverberates through the woods, jolting me from the tempest brewing within my mind. My eyes sweep across the darkening tree line, and only then do I realise that the azure blue skies have been bruised purple and blue by the encroaching darkness of night. The temperature drops by the second, sending tendrils of my breath spiralling into the chilled air like smoke. Casting a glance over my shoulder, I find myself alone—the girls seeming long gone—on the grass, a collection of discarded butts at my feet.

Another crack shatters the eerie silence, carried by the taunting wind that slashes at my face with its razor like edges. Tilting my head, I become an observer, watching and waiting with bated breath. I sense a presence drawing near, as if they possess the power to manipulate the very air around them, or perhaps it’s my own body instinctively attuned to their movements. A tether being tugged.

It begins as a stirring deep within me, a yearning that intensifies, igniting a fire that courses through my veins and causes electricity to dance along my skin. A relentless drive, an irresistible pull, a primal need that has my heart pounding tattooing its darkest desires against the cage of my ribs.

A figure appears like an apparition from the dark embrace of the woods weaving through the trees and before I know it I’m moving on silent feet to the tree’s edge. He walks absentmindedly, head down, hands in his pockets completely unaware of anything around them. Blood rushes in my ears, drowning out all rational thought as I slip behind the nearest tree and wait with bated breath. Vision clear and sharp like a predator watching its prey, ready to attack. I’ve got all the time in the world, baby.

The tip of my tongue traces my lips and it’s as if I can taste his sweet, electric ozone scent in the air as heat pools in my gut. My muscles coil like a serpent ready to strike, the hunger to hunt growing inside me, gnawing at me until I’m ready to snap. Saliva pools in my mouth as his head turns my way and I smirk as he looks through unseeing eyes directly at me. “I see you, little devil,” I whisper to the wind.

My fingers flex with a tremor of excitement as every part of me starts to vibrate. My toxic obsession obliterates any semblance of sanity my forced coma had tried to create like a candle snuffed out by the slightest breeze.

Vivid images of my twisted desire flash through my mind, blindingly bright and tinged with mania. My hunger for him makes me ravenous to get started. It took everything within me to cling to my fraying patience.

Rhys trapped under me, splayed on the ground, fingers digging into the dirt as he tries to anchor his body from the savagery of my assault. His head thrown back as I fuck him into submission, breaths wrenched from him with every thrust of my hips as I bury my hard cock deep inside him. My hand wrapped around his throat as I feel his pulse thundering against the thin layer of skin that separated his blood from my fingers as I sucked a litany of claiming marks into the column of his throat.

“You will be mine,” I growl as I advance, slipping into the concealing embrace of the shadows. His shoulders hitch up to his ears as a feeling of unease trickles over him but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t look up just continues on conditioned to the feeling just like I am.

I track him silently remaining obscured by the shadows and trees, gaining on him with every step. My heart rate increases with every step, blood turning to quicksilver in my veins. Anticipation rides my coattails and my cock thickens as I track my prey further into the woods away from the house and every other living person on this estate.

“Just a little further, little devil, and no one will be able to hear your screams when you come on my cock. Your pretty little pussy will never want to let me go.” My dick strains against the cage of my zipper, throbbing away like a divining rod seeking treasure.

The ground drops away beneath our feet making it more challenging to remain hidden as the trees start to thin. You’d think having the higher ground would be to my advantage but with the coverage limited to thin elm trunks he could easily see me if he’d only take the opportunity to check.

Rhys’ pace picks up to a steady clip, his breaths cloud the air like steam from a train. The memory of his taste on my tongue and the feel of him underneath me stay the beast that’s rattling its cage.

I want to claim him. I need to remind him who he belongs to. My cum needs to be buried so far inside him he needs to swallow it down again.

He’s close enough that I could reach out and touch him as he doubles back and changes course. The air feels charged as electricity licks across my skin and a deep rumbling groan escapes my mouth.

“Shit.” He spins in a circle not ten feet in front of me lost and disorientated. A feral grin cuts across my face and my cock pulses with its own heartbeat. Claim. Claim. Claim.

An owl hoots, making him jump. I move automatically to help him but my foot lands on a twig, the crack as loud as thunder in the silence of the woods. Rhys’ head whips from side to side as panic overtakes him, eyes wide, pupils blown as fear claws its way into him and he starts to run.

“Fuck yeah,” I cackle giving chase not caring about making a sound anymore. He knows I’m here. He knows he’s being hunted. It’s only a matter of time now.

I howl until my throat is raw watching as he stumbles falling onto his knees. Arse up, head down. Fucking perfection. The sweet scent of copper fills the air as the last threads of my control unravel.

I run the back of my knuckles over his cheek. A full body shudder rolls through him as he scrambles to his feet but loses his footing on the slick fallen leaves. I chuckle again, and lean in close enough that I can lick the sweat off the side of his face. “Run,” I growl next to his ear.

“Fuck! Shit! Not today, satan,” he pants as he sprints off. His muscled body propelling him forward quickly evading me, my weak body running on adrenaline and hunger alone.

I fucking love toying with him, its too easy. He deserves to be punished for allowing another man to touch him, to touch what’s mine. Anticipating his moves I jump out from behind a tree. “Boo,” I snicker as he runs right into me and freezes for a split second.

Fear and doubt flicker across his face for a split second before he shoves against my chest and starts running. “Leave me alone,” he grits out.

“If I catch you, you’re mine!”

“Never going to happen.” He states cockily but what he doesn’t realise is I know these woods and he’s cornered. Backed up with nowhere to turn. Helpless and soon he’ll be on his knees for me.

“You think?” I taunt, my voice echoing in the hollow we’re in he growls trying to work out how to escape. Shoulders heaving from exertion, he’s never looked more delicious than he does right now.

“I know so.”

I bark a laugh, “ You think too highly of yourself,” I rasp. “You’re trapped.”

He snorts and shuffles on his feet as the realisation starts to dawn that my words are in fact true. His arms tremble as they wrap around him. I can smell his fear and it’s fucking intoxicating.

“I’ll count to three and if you get away… I’ll let you go.” His head jerks to the left looking over his shoulder as if I’m right behind him. I’m not.

“One.” He’s paralysed, a deer caught In headlights.

“Two.” He spins in a circle and bolts skidding across the damp ground.

“Three.” I lunge wrapping my arms around his waist and kick his legs out from underneath him taking us both down to the ground. My little devil fought hard thrashing against me, trying to flip and roll us to get away. The little fucker even tried to kick me in the nuts but failed as I held on immovable in the face of my need, my desire to claim him. I run my nose along his sweat slick skin inhaling his scent like I can syphon the life I so desperately want right out of his soul, his body relaxes against me welcoming me home.