Page 11

“Come through and take a seat.” Jenna holds open the door and ushers me through pointing to the comfortable looking sofa. “Can I get you a coffee?”

“Tea, please.” I take a seat and stretch out my legs as I settle down and get comfy. My eyes are drawn to the view out the large bay window which faces the grounds to the front of the main house, the long driveway we came up a few hours ago like a winding serpent slithering into the woods that front the road.

“Milk? Sugar?”

“Just a dash of milk.” The trees catch my eyes swaying in the wind that seems to have picked up since I first arrived. The branches move in a perfectly choreographed dance as the leaves dip and twirl at their behest. I can’t help but envy their freedom. They get to be exactly what they are without any pretence, no outside pressure trying to make them conform, mould them into something else—something they’re not.

I expel a heavy sigh as the weight of Neil’s expectations weigh me down like iron chains around my neck. No matter what I do his insidious voice is never far away. It’s always chiselling away at the periphery of my consciousness. An unrelenting pressure trying to change me at a molecular level. His idealistic legacy, a clone. He doesn’t give a fuck about me only his image and how I fucking loath him for it. He’d bleed me dry if he could and with every revelation I’ve unearthed recently makes me despise him more. It makes me sick that his DNA runs in my veins.

I’m lost.

Alone.

Abandoned by the one person I thought loved me.

Drowning in a pain that’s unravelling me and I’m clinging to the last thread that I can feel slipping through my fingers. I want to vanish. I want to fade away so completely that not even I can remember who I really am. No more feelings. No memories of what came before. I’m searching for that freedom I can find in oblivion. I wonder if that’s what K was searching for when he tried to lose himself with drugs? My heart freezes at the thought. My dark angel, the only person who has ever made me feel worthy of breathing. The only person who made me truly feel wanted. My eyes burn with the depth of emotion pummelling me, leaving me raw and bleeding. Where are you?

“Here you go.” Jenna’s voice snaps me back into the room as she places a mug of tea on a coaster on the table between us as she takes a seat in the chair opposite me.

“Thanks,” I mutter, reaching for the mug and wrapping my hands around it as I bring it up to my face. The heat seeping through the cup to my cold fingers making them tingle as the feeling slowly returns to them. Today has been one hell of a mind fuck and I fear it’s only just beginning. I feel listless as if I’m balancing on a tightrope waiting for the inevitable fall but it’s into what, that scares me most.

“So, now we’ve had a quick walk through the facility and you’ve seen what we have to offer. I wanted to go over my expectations and see if you have any questions.” She opens a file in her lap I didn’t realise she was holding, clicks her pen and starts making a few notes as my brain slowly processes her words.

“Sounds good, like I said this opportunity is as much a surprise for me as you said Dr Grey’s call to you was.” I swallow around the lump in my throat as nerves skitter through my body. “I hope it can be beneficial for both of us.” A warm smile curves her lips as she nods.

“I have a feeling things are going to work out just fine. Time has a way of revealing its true intentions to us when we least expect it.” I have no idea what she means but I don’t say that. I have a feeling Neil has engineered this whole thing because he didn’t want me at the house asking questions, trying to find out what really happened when Kayden and Kira vanished or his lack of emotion towards the subject. It’s not like I expected him to break down, I mean the arsehole didn’t even seem to care when my mum—his wife and apparent love of his life—died. Her funeral was just like any other day. He put on a suit, said the words people expected and then before her coffin had even been covered with earth he was back to work taking calls like it was just another normal day.

“I just hope I can help make a difference while I’m here.” Her face brightens at my words and I release a sigh feeling the tension in my shoulders ease.

“I’m sure you will. Your role here is to support our residents through their recovery, to be there for them to talk through their issues and help guide them when they need it.”

I smile. “That I can do.” I take a sip of tea as Jenna places a stapled document and pen on the coffee table in front of me.

“This is your contract, even though this isn’t a paid position.” I can’t help the weighted breath that escapes me because of course, I’m not going to be paid for the hours I work. It’s only since K went that I’ve done everything I can to make my own money so I’m not reliant on Neil anymore. I’ve always hated feeling trapped by the hold he’s had on my finances and the fact he’s done everything to bar me access to my trust fund my mum left me. I’m sure it’s out of spite as she left it all to me and not a penny to him. “But I will write you a reference that you can use to help your future endeavours and also the experience you gain here will be invaluable in your chosen specialist field.

“That’s very generous of you,” I acquiesce.

She takes a sip of coffee seemingly savouring the flavour before placing the cup down. “Right let’s get down to it then shall we?” I nod, waiting patiently. “If at any point you have a question or anything is unclear please let me know.”

“Got it.” I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans.

“As I originally told you, we have three different facilities on the grounds. The main house is where you’ll be working. You’ll be supporting our residents who have either checked themselves in or have done so at the request of family or loved ones. These residents are here for one of three main reasons; drug addiction, alcohol addiction or mental health treatment and support. We offer a variety of group workshops and support sessions and all residents have mandated counselling sessions with either myself or one of my colleagues—who I’ll introduce you to next week.

“We currently have twenty residents with us at the moment and I have casefiles for every one of those that I’d like you to familiarise yourself with?—”

“That’s no problem,” I interrupt. “As long as you’re not expecting me to remember everyone’s names straight away.”

A lilting chuckle brightens her tired eyes. “Not at all, things like that take time. Now, if you remember when we toured the suits on the upper floors there was one room that was different?”

“Yes, eighteen. It wasn’t as luxurious, it felt more clinical.” The room was stark and cold, the window barred, a cot like hospital bed, a small desk and chair and a couple of shelves with books on it. It is nothing compared to the luxurious suites the other guests have. It is closer to the rooms in the hospital wing that are used when addicts are going through the first vicious phases of withdrawal when they need medical attention and extra levels of support.

“Mhmm, that’s right. Now eighteen is a special case.” Something about the change in her tone captures my attention in a way nothing else has today. I feel a yearning, a need to understand and know more about what makes them so different. “Eighteen is suffering from amnesia,” she clears her throat and takes another sip of her drink before the weight of her gaze settles on me. “He woke from a coma a few months ago not remembering who he was and unfortunately went through a very painful withdrawal before being transferred here. Now I’m going to be blunt, he doesn’t have a very good relationship with the staff, especially the newer members. He doesn’t engage with the residents either, well, other than Michelle and Kait. So just be prepared to get the cold shoulder from him if you happen to come across him or if he’s in any of the group therapy sessions you support.”

“Okay? Is he dangerous?” I don’t know why I ask, because if he was from what Jenna has said he’d be in one of the other facilities on the grounds.

“Only to himself,” she muses. “It’s unlikely that you’ll have much to do with him but I wanted you to be prepared, just in case. The majority of our residents are invested in their own personal treatment plans and want to either overcome their addictions or want to feel more stable and comfortable in their own skin. I’m not going to lie and say that this is an easy job by any means. There will be days when you break down and cry and that’s totally understandable. As you get to know the residents and their stories, you will feel their pain and that hits hard. That’s why I have mandatory counselling sessions for all my members of staff.”

“T-that’s actually really good to hear.”

“I thought you might approve, especially considering you mentioned last night that you have been having remote therapy sessions whilst at Kings.”

“Ah, I did?”

“Yes, you did. I will never pry and demand information from you but I’m here to support you and make sure all your needs are met just as much as the residents here at Horizon House.” I suck in a sharp breath and clutch the mug of steaming tea in my hands feeling like she can see more than I’m willing to say. “You don’t need to say anything right now, but if you feel more comfortable by the end of our chat I’m here to listen, okay?”

“Sure,” I mutter around the lip of the mug as I take a sip. I relax as the hot liquid flows down my throat and feel my defences lower. Jenna has done nothing but try and put me at ease since I arrived and whilst I’ve been polite I’ve kept myself as far removed as I possibly can but there’s something about her that puts me at ease enough to feel like I could open up to her.

“Right. I thought we’d start you off on our middle shift which is ten till six pm for the first couple of weeks just until you feel settled. Then you will branch into a mixed shift pattern of six till two, ten to six and two till ten when the night shift starts.”

“That sounds acceptable.”

“Good. There will be a fifteen minute handover at the start of every shift with the team leader from the previous shift just so you know what’s happening and how everyone is and if there is anyone you’ll be working with closely that day.” I nod along at the barrage of information like I understand it all but as soon as I hear it it evaporates from my brain. “We have a team of five waking night staff who are supported by two sleep-in staff and you will be expected to be rotated onto that by your third week.” I smile and swallow down my last mouthful of tea, great can’t wait for a sleepover here. It takes everything in me not to roll my eyes at the thought of being here overnight. “Any questions?”

“Nope, I don’t think so.”

“Alright in front of you, you’ll find your contract. Take a minute to look it over and fill in all the relevant details and then the floor is yours if there’s anything you want to talk about or feel it might be prudent for me to know.” I blink up at Jenna, eyes wide as a slither of fear works its way down my spine. “Everything said in this room is confidential, Rhys. That goes without saying but I just wanted to affirm that point with you as I can feel the tension rolling off you.”

“Thanks.” It takes me ten minutes to read through the contract and NDA. I fill out my details and next of kin—who I list as Gale rather than Neil. Then I come to an NDA now Jenna hasn’t touched on this but in all honesty, it’s self explanatory considering who the clientele are. I give it a quick once over making sure I haven’t missed anything pertinent before I place the pen on top of the document and slide it across the table for Jenna.

“Fantastic.” She grabs the document off the table and stands. “I’m just going to file this in my office.” She flicks the papers over her shoulder pointing to a door next to the bay window I hadn’t noticed. “While I’m doing that I’d like you to think about whether you’d like me to continue your therapy sessions for you whilst you’re here. Free of charge, obviously. How does that sound?”

“Like something I can do.” I smile genuinely at her as I take her request into consideration as she steps out of the room humming to herself.

“Don’t look so worried,” Jenna says as she steps into the room and clicks the door to her office shut behind her. “I can see the look of trepidation on your face. This isn’t about tripping you up or catching you out, Rhys. This is about me making sure I can look after and support my staff. Help us get to know each other a bit better.” She retakes her seat opposite me and braces her elbows on her knees, making her seem smaller, more open and approachable. “I want to be ahead of the game so to speak.” She gives me a soft smile, the kind a mother would give their child, something I haven’t seen in years.

“Okay?”

“If you’d prefer to continue with your previous therapist that’s absolutely fine, but I’m thinking logistically,” She sits up and spreads her hands wide, palms up. “I’m here, you’re here. It kinda makes sense right?”

“Yeah.” I cough to clear my throat and clench my fists to hide the tremor that’s cascading down my arms. “I was seeing a therapist because umm…” I swallow and lick my lips, my mouth suddenly dryer than the Sahara. “I… I recently lost someone close to me. It was all very sudden and unexpected.” I pause waiting for the automatic, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ to come but Jenna just sits back in her chair and crosses her legs. She gives me a nod of understanding and waits patiently like she’s giving me the floor. “I-I don’t mean they d-d-died. They just vanished.” I sigh, scrubbing my hand down my face as my stomach churns uncomfortably. I’m not sure if it’s still the results of my bender last night or if it’s from dredging up some of the most painfully confusing memories that are trapped on repeat in my mind.

“Loss or losing someone doesn’t automatically mean they’ve died. There are many forms of loss that can leave us feeling adrift and emotionally bereft. Talk me through what happened to you.” I breathed a sigh of relief like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Something about her mannerisms and the fact she’s not automatically making assumptions, more that she’s guiding me, gives me the confidence to bear the moment that irrevocably destroyed me.

I tell her about the summer, how I fell in love and learned so much about myself. How I’d spent so much of my life locking myself away and compartmentalising my emotions so I didn’t have to feel them. I tell her how I found my one great love and how in the blink of an eye it all changed.

One moment I was on cloud nine with hopes and dreams at my fingertips and then in the next breath it was all wrenched away with no explanation. I don’t know whether that person is alive or dead other than this intrinsic feeling that our lives are tethered and I’m sure I’d know the moment they took their last breath.