Page 57

LOGAN

“W ow, you brought me up here just to rub my nose in your generational wealth?” I asked, staring up at the massive cabin. Silas sighed.

“ Our generational wealth, asshole.”

“I’m still a Logan.” I followed him around the back of the cabin.

A few weeks after the Gala, the committee came back with a decision: Ian had been suspended pending further investigations. Turned out that I wasn’t the only fellow student he had assaulted. On top of another former Lorette, two girls came forward with accusations. It was enough to make the school pay attention, and whether or not they believed me didn’t matter anymore. As long as he was being punished for what he had done.

I started spending Sunday with Mark after Riona suggested that I figure out who was important to me. She hadn’t liked my answer at the time when Dean’s name was the only thing off my list. That’s not healthy , she scolded me on the importance of having people outside our relationship that I could rely on.

So I started bringing dinner over to Mark’s, and sometimes we’d go out, sometimes even Dean would join us. And I’ll admit it to her, but she was right, making an effort to keep him in my life meant something. Aside from our troubles, communicating with Silas was getting easier… Thanks to Dean, who forced the friendship at every turn, we were starting to learn that we had more in common than expected.

“Just give him a chance, he’ll surprise you,” Dean said this morning when Silas called asking me to drive up here with him ahead of the team. It was the Hornets family weekend, and despite not fully understanding what that term meant just yet, I’d agreed to join him for the drive.

“In name, sure. But your bank account says otherwise,” he added, carrying a cardboard box under his arm as he wandered down the path.

I followed close, avoiding the branches that threatened to whip me in the face. "Did I ever tell you guys how much I fucking hate the outdoors?” I cursed as one scratched my arm in passing. Silas laughed from ahead of me but kept walking, ignoring my struggle to follow him.

“Did you bring me out here to kill me?” I asked him.

“I’d pay someone to do that. These hands are too soft and smooth,” he called over his shoulder as we reached a set of stairs.

“Like father, like son,” I jabbed.

“I walked into that one,” he laughed.

“This place is ridiculous,” I said as we reached the bottom of the stairs. The stained wooden slats continued down off the store and over the lake. Bushes of lavender covered half the hill and made the air smell sweet.

Silas walked across the dock and set the box down, kicking off his shoes and settling down on the rocking wood. He rolled up his pants and stuck his feet into the water without an invitation for me to join, but I did anyway.

“This is where we laid Lorraine Cody to rest,” Silas said after what felt like an hour of silence. The trees bristled in the wind, and the soft ripples of the lake tickled the shore as the sun grew lazy in the sky.

“Cael’s mom?” I asked, and Silas nodded. “She meant a lot to you guys…”

“She’s the reason most of us even made it to graduation,” he said, eyes fixed on the horizon. “I just thought that maybe you’d want some closure.” He picked up the box and handed it to me as I sat shoulder to shoulder with him.

It was heavy and unmarked, but inside was a bag of ashes. I stared down at it, realizing that he had collected them from the morgue. They had called every day the last two weeks, but I couldn’t be bothered. I was done taking care of her, and there were just so many other important issues that took priority over a box of dust.

“They called you?” I tapped the side of the box with my fingers.

“Small towns… when you didn’t answer, they went for the next best thing,” he said. “You can lay her to rest here if you want.”

“With Cael’s mom?” I scowled. I couldn’t do that. Lorraine Cody was a legend at Harbor, a ghost story they told when they spoke about unconditional love. Cael talked about her like she was the winning statement in every argument that involved parents being imperfect.They all did. My mother was nothing but dust. I looked at the box, grinding my teeth together and trying to remember even one good moment about her.

Nothing surfaced.

I never faulted her for being sick, for having her soul shattered in such an intimate way that there was never a chance of putting it back together. Over the last weeks, I had lots of time to mull over the what-ifs. What if I had gotten to her sooner? What if I had never left her? But the reality was I was never enough to fix how broken she was, I would have never been the rush of her next high, the sting of her next bottle. I had to understand that, live with it, grieve with it.

But to bury her in a place like this, with a woman held in such high regard.

It left a pit in my stomach.

“She wasn’t important to anyone, Silas.”

“She was important to you,” Silas said, meeting my gaze. “So if you want, she has a space here where you can come see her.”

“You want me to drop my mom in the lake?” I asked, masking my gratitude with confusion.

“Ew, no,” Silas laughed. In a passing flicker, I saw myself in the way his jaw tightened and his brows furrowed. “I’ll get a shovel and we can bury her with the lavender bushes.”

“Okay, well, you made it seem like that was the plan,” I scoffed, setting the box down. I stared at it for a long moment. “Thank you,” I said.

“It was no trouble.” Silas leaned back on his hands, the fabric of his sweater stretching over his arms and chest.

“I meant…” I ran a hand through my hair. “For everything,” I corrected.

For standing up for me, for going to bat for me. For showing up just when I thought everything was slipping through my fingers. Thank you , I thought a little more intensely, for fighting for me even when I didn’t deserve your kindness. Even when I couldn’t return it.

I watched the realization dawn on him as he pressed his lips together and nodded, his eyes on the lake. “I know that we haven’t exactly been on the same page about everything,” he said, turning back to me.

“Understatement,” I grumbled.

“You’re harder to talk to than Arlo, for fuck’s sake,” Silas said, sitting up. “Listen, we’re not always going to get along, more often than not we’re going to butt heads. But the day I found out about you was the day you never had to do anything on your own again.” The conviction in his voice was loud, sturdy and unwavering in its truth. “I’m not trying to make up for the years I missed, I’d never be able to. I’m trying to be around for your future if you’re okay with that.”

“Are you asking if I’m okay with you being my brother?” I asked, my brows drawing together.

“The word brother spooks you,” Silas said with a small smirk. "But I guess in not so many words, yeah, I’m asking if you’re alright with having an older brother.”

“You’re not that much older than me.” I shook my head. I stared at him for a second, breathing in the fresh air of the lake. Logically I knew no matter what I said to him here he’d keep banging his head against the wall until I gave into his whole guardian bullshit. “What about…”

Dad.

I couldn’t call him that without the threat of vomit.

“He’ll be in county until they collect all the evidence and take it to trial, you don’t have to worry about him,” Silas seemed sure.

“And the rest of the Shores?” I asked nervously.

“Mom keeps sending me paint swatches for the spare room, demanding input on your favorite color,” he said.

“I’m not leaving the Nest,” I said instantly, the thought of sleeping away from Dean causing a deep-rooted panic I wasn’t expecting.

“Hey,” Silas raised a hand, “no one's asking you to, I still live at the Nest too. She just wants to give you a space of your own at the house.”

“Why would she do that? I’m not even her son,” I said, with a suspicious tone to my voice.

“Because you’re my brother and we’re all victims of Dad’s bullshit,” he said plainly. He chuckled, his head falling back between his shoulders as his eyes closed. “Grandpa is hesitant, he’s still not sure about everything, but he’s the oldest living wretch in Harbor, and his paranoia is fueled by dementia.”

“He sounds fun,” I said to lighten the mood.

“You and him would get along, he’s a nasty prick,” Silas laughed, a smile forming on his face.

“I like him already,” I said.

We sat quietly for a bit, mostly because I wasn’t sure how to answer his question and I didn’t want to accidentally give him the wrong one. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him as a brother in some capacity, I just didn’t know how to accept the offer and be a brother in return.

I opened my mouth and shut it again, my jaw tense with concern for screwing everything up, when Silas spoke again.

“You don’t have to answer me, Josh,” he said. "I’m not the kind of person who needs definite answers. I have been best friends with Arlo since we could bully each other. He’s never been a chatty guy, but I always know when he needs me and when to give him space. I’m seasoned in the emotionally unavailable teammate.”

I chuckled under my breath.

“You call, I’ll be there,” Silas said. "Simple as that.”

“I think I can handle that,” I agreed, and Silas turned to look at me again.

“Good,” he hummed. "Now let’s dig a hole.” He pushed off the dock and started toward the other end.

I turned back to the lake for a moment, letting the colors of the sun sink in. But it wasn’t my mom I was saying goodbye to as my heart started to repair itself in my chest. It was me, the old, angry me, that couldn’t fathom being loved by anyone, let alone myself.

He was gone.

I looked over my shoulder to see Silas waiting at the end of the dock for me. There was still so much work to be done, my mind was still at war with its memories, but for the first time in forever, I felt like I could win the bloody battle that I’d never asked to be a part of.

Dean had been right from the start, I was born with the capacity to love. I just kept getting in my own way. And when I finally stopped arguing with myself, it flooded in like a tidal wave and filled every dark spot left inside of me with bright white light.

Capable of being loved, and capable of loving.