Page 13

TUCKER

T he guys all stood around, chatting amongst themselves, when I showed up. I had gone straight to Silas and told him about what had happened so that he could help me keep an eye on Todd and the guys. I knew that ,eventually, they would try to get Josh alone; I just didn’t think it would end that way.

I could see Todd’s resentment toward me. It was clear from his face that he was pissed off that I’d defended Josh over him, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t there to just protect them; I needed to be unbiased and captain the team without picking favorites, and that meant sometimes Todd was in the wrong. Which happened more often than not, but never with someone who he’d deemed our enemy.

It had been a week of keeping them apart, only for this to happen the moment I wasn’t watching them like a hawk. Arlo stood at the back of the huddle with Ella and his brother, arms crossed, watching and waiting for me to make a move. It was nearly impossible to fill his shoes, and I knew deep down that it wasn’t the thing I should be worried about, but the inkling of doubt still pooled in the back of my mind.

Cael stuck his fingers between his lips and blew out a harsh whistle, silencing the separate conversations happening amongst the team.

“We’re doing the ropes course today,” I explained. “In years past we always did them as a team, but this year I’m separating you into smaller groups. You’ll have to work together. The group that finishes the course the fastest, with as few slip ups as possible, doesn’t have to practice in the morning.”

“Seriously?” Van perked up and I nodded at him. “Hell yeah!” He nudged Baker beside him with an excited smile.

“I’m making the teams though,” I said, as Josh wandered gingerly up to the group. “Line up.” I pointed, and they scattered into a clumsy line.

I went down it, separating them into five teams by giving them each a number, until I got to the very end and stared at Josh. “Five.”

He looked over to where the five were huddled and back at me. “You’re an asshole, Tuck,” he muttered, backing away and wandering over to where Todd, Baker, Taylor, and Matthenson stood.

“Consider it a teaching moment, tough guy.” I smiled at him and looked over the rest of the teams. “Be safe, and listen to the instructors. It’s a speed contest, but I don’t need any of you hurt. Coach’ll kill us all if we come home short of men for the season.” I tapped my fingers to my chest and watched them all do it in unison–except Josh. He just stared at me like I had three heads.

“What’s with the weird cult tapping anyways?” He asked, as we all made our way down into the wooded area of camp where the ropes course was strung up.

“I don’t actually know.” I shrugged, and he turned to look at me, confused. “We’ve always done it as long as I’ve been a Hornet. I think it was something Coach used to do and it just stuck with Arlo. Now we all do it.”

“So it is weird cult shit.” Josh rolled those sable brown eyes and his lips curled into that infuriating, cocky smile.

“No, it’s our handshake, I guess… a way to promise each other, keep each other in check, stuff like that. Sorry it’s not an aggressive chant where we smack each other's asses and holler weird shit over and over,” I joked.

“Lorette never did anything,” he said, and the confession took me aback.

“What?” I said.

“Yeah, nothing. No chants, no sayings, no support…” Josh explained, but he seemed completely unbothered by it all.

“If you think that’s bad, wait until you find out that we sacrifice a goat before the season opener for good luck.” I smiled over at him, but was met with a nasty glare. “Oh, come on! That was funny!” I laughed.

“You’re not funny.” Josh shook his head.

“I’m hilarious, you just can’t take a joke.”

The trees rustled in the wind above our heads; the newly formed bright green leaves catching in the sun and tinting everything with a soft hue.

“Make a funny joke and I’ll take it,” Josh huffed, looking over at me.

The sun bathed his cold features with warmth and highlighted the undertones of gold in his eyes. The itching feeling returned and I hated that he could bring it the same way Cael used to. That searing heat that licked at my muscles and turned my ears an embarrassing shade of red.

He was infuriatingly handsome in that ‘ you drive me insane’ kind of way. The bridge of his nose was shorter and his heavy eyebrows were always curled in angrily, even with a smile on his face. My heart was pounding in my chest because, suddenly, I wanted to know how his beard would feel against my skin. I wanted to know if he tasted as warm as he looked and smelled; that woodsy cinnamon cologne he always wore mixed with the lingering smell of pine tar that tickled at my nose.

Every noise around us seemed to mute for a moment, losing its importance as I stared down what felt like the barrel of a loaded gun.

“Tuck?” Josh said, snapping me from the walking wet dream I was having. His hand snapped out and tangled into the fabric of my shirt, tugging me against his shoulder.

“What the hell?” I shoved away from him and he pointed to my left. Not two inches from me was a massive tree. “Oh…”

“We would have matched.” He pointed to his nose with a smug look on his face.

“I guess I’m a little out of it,” I said, rubbing my hands over my face in a feeble attempt to refocus myself.

“That’ll happen when you miss three meals. You’re probably starving,” Josh said, off the cuff. “How many calories do you take in a day to stay that big, anyways?”

I opened my mouth to tell him I hadn’t missed three meals, but then I counted and he was right, which only seemed to bother me more. The number was in the two thousands, but sometimes, when I got side tracked and focused on a task, I just forgot to eat all together. It wasn’t good for me, or smart, but my body functioned alright on the rare occasion that it did happen. It wasn’t a lack of nutrition causing me to run into trees though—it was the freckle pattern on Josh’s face.

The path broke up and opened into a massive area that had been transformed into a high ropes course. Josh tilted his head back and the dark curls spilled down his neck as he surveyed the course. It was a permanent part of the camp, but still in immaculate shape. Silas made sure that they always had the funds for repairs; the camp never wanted for anything all they had to do was pick up the phone.

Rope lines were strung between the tree tops, separated by small platforms along the course. There were ladders, bridges, tight ropes, all suspended nearly fifteen feet off the ground.

“This is intense,” Josh grumbled, but his tone was nervous.

“Are you afraid of heights?” I asked him.

“No.” His head snapped toward mine and I could see the fear in his eyes. It battled against his usual anger, but I could see it in the way his jaw twitched and his brows softened.

“You are,” I whispered with a smirk. It felt good to have the upper hand just this once; even if he was nervous, it was nice to see a different side of him that wasn’t created by anger.

“Back off, Tuck.” He shook his head and wandered over to the other guys to listen to the instructor explain how to put on a harness. I watched his shoulders square up as he settled in next to the group. He left decent space between him and Todd, which was for the best, but today they would have to work together to finish the course in time. If Josh really was afraid of heights, he was going to need the support of his team to get him through it.

“Not bad.” Arlo appeared next to me.

I scoffed and crossed my arms over my chest. “Everything has gone to shit, at this point even getting them to stand next to each is cause for celebration.”

“That’s not true,” Arlo said. "They’ve made it through a few meals,” he offered.

“They have to make it through an entire season without killing each other.” I sighed.

“No they don’t.” He laughed and I turned to look at him, a little confused by his reaction.

“Isn’t that the whole point of spring camp? To make them some unbreakable team?” I asked him and he shook his head, looking back to the group of guys laughing and fighting playfully as they got ready.

“It’s never been about making them unbreakable, Tucker,” he explained. “It’s about guiding them in the right direction but giving them the space to make mistakes.”

“That binder is messing with my head.” I sighed. I had memorized it, front to back, and still had no idea how to captain the way Arlo had. It was eating at me, along with every other problem I was trying to balance on my shoulders.

“The binder is a bible,” Arlo said. “Stop trying to mimic and find your heart, Tucker. You need to figure out why Coach made you captain over all the other guys here. Once you do that you’ll figure out how to lead them.”

“I really hate it when you and Cael start that Yoda crap,” I grumbled.

“Never compare me to Yoda again. I’m clearly Obi-wan.” Arlo smiled and slapped a hand on my shoulder.

“I hate Star Wars,” I complained, throwing my head back.

“You need to lead with this.” Arlo pushed two fingers against my chest. “Stop letting this push you around, it’s not qualified.” He moved and tapped my temple with those same fingers.

“Are you saying I’m dumb?” I asked him, and he laughed again.

“No, Tucker, you just need to get out of your own head and start being you again. Ever since the accident you’ve been moving around like you’re walking on broken glass. No one is mad at you,” Arlo said and it unlocked a box that I had closed up tight on purpose. Guilt was a monster I couldn’t control and…

“And while you’re at it trying to be me; mean and loud doesn’t suit you.” Arlo backed away with a shrug and found a spot at the base of the course with Ella and Silas.

Lead with this —the problem was, my heart had been untrustworthy lately, more so than my brain ever had been. Wading through the heartbreak that Cael accidentally brought down around us was rough; for a few weeks after the accident I hadn’t been sure what to do with myself.

It was hard to even look at him, broken and bruised. The images of him in the hospital were nightmare fuel. His weak shoulder, torn apart and stitched back up again. Seeing the raw skin every time I helped him change his bandages forced horrible feelings to blossom in my chest. I was glued to his side until he went to rehab, and then again when he came home. We had used each other as comfort for so long that it was simple to fall back into it, until it wasn’t simple anymore. Guilt ate at me like a rabid dog. It crept up in the most vulnerable of moments to remind me that I had led Cael to his blow up. I’d told him I couldn’t love him—that he was too much for me. The fight that led to his downfall had stemmed from my vicious words; simple fear with no reasonable way to project it other than anger and accusation. I knew it wasn’t me that put the drugs in his system, I hadn’t forced him to drink, but I knew what he was going through and, instead of sucking it up, I let it out and it nearly killed my best friend.

Whether or not the guilt was well-placed or deserved, it was there. Festering.

I just wanted to be loved without conditions or secrets.

I had watched Cael Cody love a shadow for nearly five years. She had always been there and I’d always known I’d lose to her eventually. Whether or not she had returned or Cael ever saw Clementine again, I would have lost him.

It didn’t make it hurt any less, but at least I had been bracing for the impact from the moment I’d laid eyes on Cael. He was so loud and so loving. I never meant to drag him into the dark with me—his heart was too big to hide from the world. Cael was happier than I’d ever seen him. Even in her absence his mind was clear, his smile had returned, and he’d be a massive asset this season now that he could play. It was my own problems that needed to be sorted out.

I didn’t know how to live in a world where my family hated me for my heart—the real one. Not the one they assumed I had, girl loving, grandchild producing, golden boy. No, the blood that coursed through my veins, and caused my heart to race, had always loved boys. It always would and always in secret until I could figure out how to be honest with myself and my family.

“Earth to Dean.” Cael’s voice snapped me from my thoughts and his bright smile came into view like a universal reminder that, no matter how I felt, Cael would still be there to love me the way I needed him to. “Your boy is struggling…”