Page 33

TUCKER

J osh had left the shower so quickly I didn’t even get the chance to thank him—to tell him how fast his touch had silenced all the noise. I was fucked, royally and down bad fucked up over Joshua Logan.

And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and bit into my skin. Panicking over how quickly I had eased back into a situation that looked so much like my previous one. Hidden rendezvous, sneaking around, never telling anyone who or what we were.

“Fuck,” I grumbled and got out. I got dressed quickly, the smell of Chinese food and the sound of laughter beckoning me to the living room where all the guys were piled on the furniture and spread across the floor.

“Here.” Cael handed me a box of fried noodles and vegetables. I took it and settled on the floor at his feet, setting it beside me and looking up at what they were watching.

“You guys are watching Transformers without Arlo?” I asked, and in unison, three of the guys, including Cael, mocked his voice.

“ Why would they take the fight to the city when they were already in the desert? This movie is stupid!”

If there was one thing we could all count on, it was Arlo’s love-hate relationship with these movies. I’m surprised he wasn’t grumbling in the corner about the cleanup expenses in Las Vegas.

“He took Peachy out for dinner.” Cael leaned back on the couch and sank against the cushion between him and Van. “Figured we could watch the movie in peace,” he said after a long yawn.

We were halfway through the movie when I noticed Josh… standing in the doorway in a long sleeve and sweats watching the tv quietly. I know better than to tell him to come sit but the fact that he’s even trying to partake in the evening is something more than he did yesterday.

I could still feel his fingers in my hair, and it was the only thing keeping me from going insane. Coach had taken care of the press, but I still felt guilty for not doing my job. I was supposed to be able to put my personal issues aside, be able to lead the team without problems, but lately it just felt like all I did was mess it up more.

I knew that the guys didn’t care, they just wanted to play ball and they would continue to show up to do that no matter what happened next. But I felt bad because they were all being quarantined because of me. The vicious rumors and questions weren’t just slung in my direction, each and everyone of them had been subject to the wickedness of the press this week. And it was my fault.

Cael passed out with a string of tiny snores, and Van was drooling in his hair before the movie even ended… so I pushed off the floor, handed the box of food to Jensen and made my way to my room. I just needed some sleep and time to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t keep letting everyone push me around, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone either.

One statement would prove my family right, and I’d never see a day of peace in my life knowing that I’d been disowned. I had spent every single day of my childhood in that house and had never missed a Sunday dinner until now. It was eating at me.

The other statement would allow me to keep my family but I wasn’t sure I even wanted to keep them half the time if it meant losing my dignity. Which is exactly what lying would do, I’d be able to return home for dinner, see my mom and dad. But looking them in the eye would make me sick and how was I supposed to lead the team if I couldn’t even stand up for myself and my morals.

I closed the door behind me, tugging off the clean shirt and throwing it to the side before I crawled into bed and pressed my face into the pillow. I wanted to scream, to just let it all out, and in that moment, completely alone, I did. The pillow ate most of the sound, and it felt good to let it all out in one explosive go.

“That was dramatic,” Josh said, closing the door behind him. “You forgot to eat,” he said, handing me a bowl of fried rice and shrimp. Food I had no intention of eating.

“Not hungry.” I took it but set it on the side table next to my bed.

“You played seven innings as a one-man team and haven’t touched anything that will actually replenish that spent energy. What’s the point of those meetings with Ms. Cody if you aren’t going to listen to her?” Josh picked the bowl back up and handed it to me again.

Relentless asshole.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked, sitting up on the bed, curling my knees up and took the bowl from him as I scooted back against the wall.

“If you think this is nice, we have some work to do,” he said, and I heard myself in his voice. That day at camp. I was being such an idiot.

“I can’t eat that, even the thought of it is making my stomach turn,” I admitted. Josh nodded, grabbing the bowl without a word and disappeared. Fuck .

I hadn’t meant to upset him, I just…

I curled my legs up and let my head fall against the wall behind me. I was fucking everything up, and now Logan was even fed up with my shit. I heard a small creak in the floorboards, and his voice made me open my eyes.

“What about now?” He asked, and when I looked down at what he had in his hand, a small smile formed on my lips.

“Ice cream?” I said, taking the bowl from him. It was exactly how I had made it the other night, right down to the syrup.

“Eat.” That was all I got in return as he lowered to the floor beside the bed. I held the bowl in my hand, staring at the sprinkles like they’d somehow have the answers to all life's questions, but I was only met with silence.

“The first time I had ice cream was last week,” Josh said, and I looked over at him.

“What?” The confusion was raw because Josh chuckled and looked back at me.

“Yeah.” He shrugged. "I was scared you were going to ask for my favorite flavor that day.”

There was something so innocent in the confession, the way his eyes drifted to the floor and his shoulders relaxed forward.

“Because I don’t have one, I guess vanilla if I had to pick, but only because it’s a flavor, not because I actually know if it’s my favorite.” He played with the fabric of my comforter. “But I definitely don’t like chocolate syrup,” he said, and I huffed a little laugh out, one that after two weeks finally felt genuine.

“That’s because you hate fun,” I said with a small smile.

“We just couldn’t afford stuff like that, ice cream is a luxury,” he said and I understood where he was coming from but it didn’t make me less sad for him.

“Want to share?” I asked, mostly because I couldn’t fathom eating this much alone. “I’ll eat off all the syrup,” I added.

Josh looked back at me, pushing off the floor and climbing into the bed. Keeping his distance, he curled one of his legs up and held out his hand for the bowl. “Bite for bite, you aren’t getting out of eating it,” he warned.

“Deal,” I said, watching him press the spoon between his lips. “Can I ask you something?” I took the bowl back and he waited to answer me until I took a bite of the ice cream.

Satisfied with my spoonful, he nodded.

“Why did you…” I stopped. I hated how easily I lost my nerve around him. “Why were you so nice to me today?” I asked, my voice quieter than usual.

“For the same reason you came to find me,” he answered. “I needed it.”

Needed it.

It felt like such a heavy statement from Josh.

But he wasn’t wrong, I had needed it. Needed him.

I came home and all the noise had just been too much, but it was like my subconscious knew where he’d be and the next thing I knew I was standing in the steamed up bathroom asking to get into the shower like some lost puppy.

Josh took another bite of ice cream, never breaking eye contact with me.

“What are we doing?” I asked him, and took the bowl back.

“Eating ice cream,” he said, like it was the only correct answer.

“No, I mean…like us.” I took another nervous bite.

“You have enough going on in your life to figure out without trying to dissect whatever the hell this is, Tuck. Why don’t you just eat your ice cream and shut up,” Josh suggested.

“So you sleeping in my bed, us showering together…” I listed the suspicious activity off for him. “It’s nothing?”

“It’s necessary.” He shook his head, then shoved the bowl back into my hands. “Finish,” he said.

Necessary. He had said that before, and it confused me then, just as much as it did now. It was as if those miniscule mundane tasks were the only thing holding us together. And maybe they were, but it felt like it was snowballing into something that neither of us were ready for, and I was scared that if it got too big, it would scare him. Just like it had scared Cael.

I set the empty bowl down between us and shifted back on the bed against the wall laying down and covering myself with the blankets. Josh put the bowl on the table, kicked off his shoes and grabbed his pillow. Settling on the bed next to me, leaving a little less space between us than the times before.

Unnecessary , I thought. Everything he was doing felt unnecessary. He just needed an excuse for his kindness. A small, genuine smile formed on my face, staring at the back of his head. His dark wavy curls were within reach, and his cinnamon cologne filled my nose. I could let him think it was necessary, if that's what he needed. As long as it meant he kept sleeping in my bed.