Page 51

TUCKER

“F ranklin,” a voice called.

I had been on campus for all of two minutes before my entire day was ruined by the sound of my name. I turned slowly, adjusting my bag to see my mother standing in the hallway. I’d stupidly taken a shortcut through a different building, forgetting that she taught a class on Thursdays.

“Hey, Mom.” I swallowed roughly and watched as she approached me.

“You haven’t been coming to dinner.” She didn’t bother softening the blow.

“Don’t have much of an appetite lately.” I nodded, just forcing a smile on my face so all the people passing by would see a pleasant chat between a professor and her student.

“You’re avoiding a difficult conversation,” she said.

My hand flexed around my backpack strap, and I fought to hold in all the anger I wanted to let go of, knowing that it wouldn’t do any good to explode in front of a hall of students.

“We have to get your illness dealt with, Dean. It’s not healthy to continue like this, it’s harmful, and I don’t want to see my baby boy in pain.” She reached out to touch my arm, and I stiffened, leaning away from her fingertips.

“I’m not in pain, Mom,” I said through my teeth, even though it felt like I was in pain at that very moment, but not for the sick reasons she was trying to blame.

“You’re sick, Franklin. Just let us help you,” she said, moving forward again.

I opened my mouth to argue when a commotion came from the end of the hall and Cael appeared out of nowhere, flushed and out of breath. He jogged down the hall, stopping in front of me and looking over at my mother before putting himself between us with his back to her.

“Excuse me,” she hissed, backing away from him.

“Mrs. Tucker, you’re looking especially judgmental today!” He scowled at her. She stared at him like she was trying to kill him dead with her glare, but it only riled him up more. “Make sure when you speak to the Dean about my suspension, you tell him I called you a homophobic crone with bad breath and witch hands,” Cael snapped at her before he turned back to me as she started to argue with his back, completely unbothered by her anger. “...You don’t answer your phone anymore?” He said quickly, poking me in the chest.

“Why what…” I pulled it from my pocket to find a ton of missed messages from Silas.

“Josh’s mom is dead,” Cael said quietly. “We’ve been trying to get a hold of you!”

His mom was dead… my chest tightened around my chest at the news. It wasn’t like she was a good person, but that was his only family… I shook my head. Silas had said they were going over there this morning, but…how had I missed so much?

“How did you even know I was here?” I asked, confused about all the wrong pieces of information, as he grabbed my arm to drag me away.

“I have your location, big boy, now let’s move,” Cael urged.

“We’re not finished with this conversation, Franklin!” My mother said to me as Cael pushed on my arm to get me moving down the hall. “You are a part of this family and you have to start acting like it!”

“Mrs. Tucker, never a pleasure.” Cael turned back to my mother, who was still ranting at him. She recoiled at his movement, and Cael laughed. “Gets me everytime that she’s afraid of gay cooties.” His laughter died into a baffled chuckle as she continued to turn red with anger. “Fuck sakes, please open a fucking book… maybe learn something about modern society?” Cael shook his head as she glared at me over his shoulder.

“I'll be speaking to the Dean about this!” She snapped at him.

“Yeah, I know, remember what I said,” Cael smirked, backing up into me and pushing me to fall in line with his steps. "Homophobic crone…” he said slowly, pressing his hands together with each syllable.

“Cael,” I grumbled, and he tripped over his own long legs, turning back around and restarting his jog at my warning.

“Come on,” he shouted as he rounded the corner.

We made it to the Jeep without any more issues, my heart pounding in my chest as I climbed in and Cael followed suit. We drove out of Harbor and down the highway to Lorette, speeding the entire way until we reached the turn off. Arlo’s fastback was parked in front of a cop car, and Silas was standing on the front lawn alone, speaking to the police when we arrived.

He stopped me before I could go inside, his hand planted firmly on my chest.

“Listen, he’s…” Silas cleared his throat, “he’s not sad.”

“What do you mean he’s not sad?” Cael asked, as he stood over my shoulder.

“We found her, she had been gone a few days. The ambulance came and got her body, took her to the morgue for an autopsy. But Josh… he’s already cleaning the apartment… he’s spoken to the landlord.” Silas explained to us.

“Did Mark say anything?” I asked.

“He was sympathetic, apologized a bunch for not checking in on her. Josh didn’t seem angry with him, just dissociated.” Silas said.

“Him and Mark are close, he's the only person Josh has left." I knew that sounded silly because he obviously had me, had us but Mark was all Josh had left of his childhood. Shitty or not, Mark was his highlight. "Can you make sure anything he needs gets taken care of?” I asked Silas, and he nodded. “Josh hasn’t flipped out at all?”

“He’s eerily calm, and it’s making me nervous,” Silas said. "There’s nothing, no anger, no sadness. He’s just floating around up there cleaning and ignoring me.”

I looked up at the building, turning to the two of them. “Let me go alone.”

Cael surged forward, but Silas caught him.

“I know what he’s going through.” Cael fought against Silas.

“No, you don’t,” he corrected him. "The woman you lost would have moved heaven and earth for you, and she regularly did exactly that. Josh’s mother was not that, she was cruel, abusive and sick. You have no idea what’s going on in his head.” Silas pushed him back.

“I can help.” Cael surged forward again and again, but he was shut down. I was wasting time listening to the fight and started to move around them.

“Let him do it,” Silas warned Cael, who stared at me with concerned blue eyes. “Go call Arlo, Van, Jensen... We’re going to need help.” I heard him say as I started inside, I took the stairs as quickly as I could, only to freeze in the apartment doorway.

I couldn’t see him from where I was standing, but I could hear him rustling around inside. It immediately smelled of death and trash, the entire room was putrid enough to make my eyes water as I wandered inside.

“Josh,” I called out to him. I looked around the disgusting living room and continued back down the hallway to the bathroom. His mother’s bedroom door was shut but the hinges on his were blown off completely and the door was lying across the floor, splintered into pieces.

Not so calm.

“Hey, Logan,” I called out again and heard a trash bag snap open from my left. He was squatting on the floor, shoving garbage from the bathroom floor into a bag, completely disassociated from everything around him. I called out to him one last time, but he didn’t stop; he pushed off the floor and floated past me like I wasn’t even there.

Silas was right; whatever was going through his head wasn’t like what happened to Cael at all. There was just quiet rage and a lot less crying as Josh tied off the bag and started a new one. He moved around me like a ghost, never stopping to make eye contact with me as he went back to the bathroom to keep cleaning.

“Stop!” I shouted. Josh flinched. Good , I thought, it meant he knew I was here. “Stop for one second and look at me!”

“There’s too much to do, man.” Josh kept his back to me and started to throw more garbage away. The bathroom was a pile of old bottles, cans and magazines… used tissues and sticky laundry that crunched as Josh picked it up and chucked it away.

“We’ll do it,” I huffed, trying to reach out for him but knowing it would only cause him to shut me out more. “Just stop for a second.” I stepped into the bathroom, blocking his path as he tried to leave again.

“Move,” he said, eyes fixed on the floor. He was avoiding the confrontation, which was the least Josh thing he could have done and simply the most alarming.

“No,” I argued. “Not until you look at me.” My shoulders filled the door frame as I settled between the small sink and door in the cramped space.

“Tucker,” Josh sighed. I hated that it was Tucker or man…It was Tuck now, or Dean. But never Tucker or weird things like man or dude, and the sound of it was grating against my skin.

“Don’t call me that. Look at me,” I snapped.

Josh looked up at me, and I watched the dam break inside of him. I reached out to him, meaning to pull him closer. “ It’s necess-, ” I barely got the words out before he crashed into me, his fingers digging into my skin around my shoulders and neck.

The sounds of his cry broke my heart as my arms curled around him in protection and squeezed him so tightly that it became nothing but muffled sobs that soaked my shirt. I didn’t ask permission or wait for his cues, I just held him as close as I could for as long as I could. I held most of his weight, keeping him grounded while he shook. It felt like his body was fighting against my hold, but he wasn’t against me. Josh was struggling against himself. Warring with the guilt and rage that was coursing through his veins and threatening to explode from him.

He wasn’t used to losing control, and he had never been further from having a grip on it than he was in that moment. I let my hand rake up into his hair and pressed him closer to my chest until he melted into it and his sobs slowly became softer, dissipating into sniffles.

“Okay,” I said, but I didn’t loosen my arms until he released me from his intense hold, the marks that his fingertips left behind stinging as he pulled his hands away. “We do this together,” I said to him, my hand still holding onto the back of his neck firmly.

Josh nodded, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks red from the crying, but he was listening. He swallowed tightly with a clenched jaw as he stared up at me. It was killing me how sad he was, and for a woman who would have used him until his last breath. But he had taken responsibility for her, and her death felt like a failure.

“This isn’t your fault,” I said to him, and he flinched in my grip. “No, don’t do that, look at me,” I warned when his gaze flickered away, and tightened my hand around the back of his neck. “You did everything you could. You were a better son than most would’ve been.”

“I’m a horrible fucking person, Dean.” His voice broke.