Page 148 of His Retribution

Then do it again.

What the fuck?

"You protected me with Havok's blood? How? Why? What the fuck?"

"I knew then that your mate wasvampyr, knew long before anyone else would have even made the connection, knew his blood would be beneficial in your protection, and since Havok was in Bozidar's army it was simple. I possessed those around him, physicians, soldiers, whoever made it easy to get close and extracted small amounts of blood through our interaction. I would then return to your parents and Ellida would essentially infuse it into your essence, amplify your blood-bond in order to keep you safe from those that would hunt you. I did this for the first year of your life."

"So I was right."

He furrows his light blonde brows.

"I can't see Havok's history, still need to feed from him because his blood was used to protect me? Which is why I've always healed quickly when his blood was used, like when I was sick after taking the opium and the way my wound turned into a beautiful scar after his blood was applied to it?"

Zan nods with a very proud smile, which is weird. "You cannot see his history because you are tightly woven through it and yes, your body is far more receptive to the healing properties your mate’s blood carries because it has always flowed through you."

"How was it able to last so long then? If you spent a year doing that every day, wouldn't it have eventually worn off?"

He meets my eyes but only briefly. "It was not only Havok's blood that you received."

"Excuse me?"

Zan sighs. "I knew that when your parents met their inevitable and crushing demise I would no longer be able to visit you the way I needed, the way… the way I wanted. I knew without consistent infusion the protection would eventually wear off and I needed to make sure that didn't happen. As thevampyrsdrew closer to finding your parents, I began doubling the amount of blood you received, one dose from Havok and one dose from me. My blood is why his never left your body, the same way it prevents a soul from ever leaving mine unless I release it.”

"Why?" A tear rolls down my cheek but I let it, just let it fall. "Why would you do that? Try so hard to protect me when you're, you're a—"

"Demon? Monster? A terrible creature conjured from the pits of hell?" Zan scoffs. "Because even those of us damned to eternal nothingness crave just a little bit of something good, something right, and when Ellida gave birth and I saw you, saw your teeny tiny body and head full of dark hair, the bluest eyes that looked past what I was and smiled at me..." He shakes his head. "I had never experienced that before either and I vowed to myself that I would not let harm befall you."

"Unless you did it yourself," I deadpan. Thisissuper confusing and contradictory.

"I watched over you the best I could until Havok found you." He ignores my jab. "Always from the shadows, always undetected but I did. Once he found you I had to let you go because you were never something I should have tried to hold onto in the first place. And sometime between your original death and the next, I paid dearly for it." Another sigh. "Through horrible and unforeseen events, I was commissioned by he who shall remain unnamed to seek you out in each of your lives and..."

"And kill me." Holy shit, I remember. Remember the amethyst eyes sitting in nine different faces, remember the pain sitting in them, the pleading look. And I remember his words. "Is that why you always apologized? Right before you'd kill me, you'd ask if this was the time that I'd save you then you'd apologize…"

“Will you finally save me this time, my queen, put me out of my misery or will this be the end once again? I am sorry, my gem. So very sorry.”

"Tolan and Ellida made it clear to me that despite the vast difference in our kind, the fact that they were barely one hundred years my senior, I was son to them and brother to you. When the one above me discovered this, he made me pay by having to slaughter you over and over again, by forcing me to answer to thevampyrking and fulfill his every request. And this time, this time you have both saved me and condemned me."

Ok so my brain is on overdrive.

My parents basically adopted a demon.

He tracked down my mate while I was a baby and used his blood to protect me then Zan used his own blood to make sure it lasted forever since he knew he wouldn't be able to continue doing that.

I share blood with a demon, a demon who is basically my brother, because he felt what it was like to love and be loved.

A demon who went against his true nature and purpose just to keep me safe, then paid for it, probably in more ways than I know.

And despite our connection that I apparently recognize on a bone deep level, Zan has had to kill me in every life because he was forced to do it?

This is blowing my damn mind.

"Demons are not born the way all others are. It is unknown if we have the capability since it is almost impossible for us to even find our mate." Zan grins but it isn't like the rest, it's almost like a mask he's wearing to cover the hurt. "It's hard to love someone without a soul, after all."

"Tolan and Ellida did."

His mask slips. "They did. They loved someone without a soul, someone created from nothing to bring forth only pain, mayhem, and they showed me what it could be like to be something other than that."

"And yet you still continued killing me."