Page 24 of His Flawed Ride (Sons of Lost Souls MC #16)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Lily

I don’t know what’s worse. Sleeping and being trapped in nightmares or being awake and remembering every second of the terror Hopper enjoyed inflicting upon me.

The last time I woke, I wasn’t in Slade’s spare room.

I was in a small bedroom with soft green tones on the wall and coffee cream curtains, drawn together to shield from the bright sun.

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve drifted off.

But this time, my mind is awake and Harper hovers close by.

“Mom?”

I’m taken back to all the times my daughter has had to look after me, taking on the role of a mother.

“Hmm?”

“It’s time to take your painkillers and you need to drink. I’ve made you a shake, so you don’t need to worry about trying to eat yet.”

A hot tear rolls down the side of my face as I turn my head away from her voice.

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” I say slowly.

“Yeah, well, why change the habit of a lifetime. Who knows how you heal better than me, huh?”

She’s right but this is what I didn’t want. A wave of depression ripples through me. I shut my eyes and keep them closed for so long I drift off again.

I’m alone when I next wake and I’m hit with a memory from when Harper was seven years old.

“What the hell are you doing?” I whisper shriek.

Aaron flinches then closes Harper’s bedroom door. He walks toward me then shoves me into the wall and storms into our bedroom. “I was just checking on her, thought I heard her moving around,” he tells me as I follow after him.

“You didn’t hear shit! What were you doing?” I demand.

He doesn’t answer me, but I know. It was impossible to miss how he was watching her this evening as she was showing me her new dresses for the new school year.

“You’re one of those sickos, aren’t ya!”

He spins round, his face contorted with such anger I take a step back. My brother is always telling me my mouth will get me into trouble, but on this occasion, I couldn’t give a shit.

“You were watching her. Why?”

“I told you! I thought I heard her, so I checked on her. You keep insinuating what you’re insinuating and I’m gonna shut that mouth of yours up for good.”

My gut is screaming to get out of here. For once, luck is on my side.

“I’m outta here.”

I step to the side as he leaves and once I hear his truck backing out of the drive, I fly into action. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to pack my shit fast and get the hell out of dodge. My things are thrown into my case, and I dump it in the hall.

I creep into Harper’s room and pack her clothes and the few toys she hasn’t outgrown yet.

Looking down at my baby as she sleeps, I curse myself. What if I hadn’t caught him watching her? Would he have stepped into the room? Would he…? I stop. I run for the bathroom and hurl my guts into the toilet. I did catch him and I’m getting her away from him.

After cleaning myself up, I wake Harper and together, we haul our cases and bags out to my car. I waste no time putting miles between us and the house.

“Where are we going, Mom?”

She doesn’t question why we’re running in the middle of the night. Like me, this isn’t her first rodeo.

“I don’t know, baby.”

“Did he hit you? Is that why we’re leaving?”

“No.”

“That’s why we left Patrick in the middle of the night. He hurt you.”

Thank God she’s in the back seat. She doesn’t see my face twist with guilt. When I gave birth to her, I vowed to give her a life with no monsters, A.K.A, no shitty men.

Nausea hits me again at the thought of what could have happened.

I’ve put her in harm’s way just being her mother, but I’ve always been the brunt of assholes bad moods.

She’s seen far too much in her seven years, but never physically.

This would’ve stolen every ounce of her innocence and nothing I or anyone else could do would bring it back.

I pull the car over before I’m blinded through the tears and let them all out. I sob because I’m scared. I sob because I’m in another shitty situation. But most of all, I sob for the little girl now leaning over the driver’s seat to wrap her arms around me. Trying to soothe me, comfort me.

“It’ll be okay, Mom. We can call Uncle Slade, he’ll help us.”

I smile through the pain of truly realising I’m the worst mother in the world.

My brother is the one man on earth who she never has to worry about hurting her. He’s Superman to her. Whenever we’re in hot shit, she never fails to think of Slade as the solution each and every time.

“Not this time, sweetheart.” I squeeze her hand as she climbs over and makes herself comfortable in the passenger seat.

“But he’ll save us. No one will find us if we’re with him.”

If I show up in the middle of the night seeking refuge, he’s going to demand a reason why. If I tell him the truth, he will kill me. I’ve taken advantage of him too many times to count but this… where Harper was the one at risk, I can’t take the chance he won’t take her and keep her from me.

The one thing I’ve always given my brother is the truth, even when I’ve fucked up.

“I wonder where we’re gonna live this time. Can we get a house with a pool? That’d be so cool.”

The excitement of moving on isn’t the way she should be living. Maybe I should ask Slade to take her. He would without hesitation. She’d have her cousin Zachery, and Kristen, though an ice queen most of the time, is a great mother.

She would be safe with them, be able to go to the same school till graduation.

My silence has her staring at me. “I love you, Momma.”

Her love, deserved or not, has me changing my mind. I will be a better mom. We don’t need a guy to make our lives better.

Scrubbing my face, I banish the tears and start the engine. “How about a little middle of the night ice-cream?”

“Yay!”

I drive for over an hour out of town before we come to a diner. Tucking ourselves into the corner booth, Harper orders the largest Sundae, and I drown myself in coffee until the sun begins to rise.

“What about my daddy? Can we go and live with him this time?”

Cas.

I shut down any thoughts concerning him and shake my head. “No, baby. I’ve told you before, I don’t know who your daddy is or where he is. It’s just me and you.”

“And Randy, or Patrick, or John, or Bill…”

“Yes, thank you, Harper. I’m well aware of the men we’ve left behind. It’s too early for your sass. Go and order breakfast, once we’re on the road, we’re not stopping until we find somewhere new to live.”

She slides out of the booth and skips to the counter, climbing up and onto one of the stools.

This time it’s going to be different.

And it was. For five months Slade helped us out with rent and utilities, and it was just the two of us.

Harper settled into her new school and made new friends.

We spent nights with her sleeping in my bed, eating candy and popcorn and watching movies.

There were flowers in glasses on the kitchen windowsill that made Harper smile while eating her cereal in the mornings.

I’d rather relive my time with Hopper than let memories come flooding back.

The house is quiet and only the light in the upper hall is on.

I take my time, and hobble down the stairs.

JJ will have a pack of smokes around here somewhere.

I need a cigarette and to be out in the fresh air.

But as I reach the bottom of the stairs, the lamp is on in the living room and Gunner’s soft laughter trickles out to where I’m stood in the hall.

Standing in the doorway, I keep quiet and see Harper is laid on the carpet and Gunner is climbing over her.

She’s such a great mother and I know for a fact she didn’t learn it from me.

“He can’t sleep. It’s better to wear him out then try and coax him to settle.”

She doesn’t look at me, I weren’t aware she knew I was here.

“I used to do that with you. We’d curl up on the sofa and watch a movie, you’d always fall asleep ten minutes in.”

“I know, I remember. It’s why I do this. We usually watch movies but tonight he wasn’t wanting to sit down.”

My heart swells with underserved pride that she has continued something I did with her. I ease myself down onto the armchair before I fall.

“I’m sorry. Though it’s not enough for everything I put you through. I tried to do my best for you in my own way, but I see now that I never got it right. I was selfish to keep you in my life. I wish I could change everything.”

Harper goes to speak but I hold my hand up to stop her.

“I want you to know that I realise I can’t change a thing, I own every fuck up I’ve made.

I regret the men I brought into your life just because I was lonely.

You should’ve been enough because you always were, baby.

I was just greedy. I wanted what I thought everyone else had.

The house, the man, the car, the happy kid.

Love. I see now that I could’ve had all that just me and you. ”

“It’s all in the past now, Mom. I had to stop living there a long time ago. I mean, I make mothering choices different to yours and that is a conscious effort on my part. There were good times growing up, few and far between, but we still had them.”

“There should have been more good times than not.”

“I agree, but I don’t have room in my life for regrets of the past anymore.

I’m breaking the cycle of bad relationships and childhood trauma with my son.

And when he grows up and has any children of his own, his parenting style will be more like mine.

The childhood I had ends with me. You don’t need to keep apologising because I know you’re sorry, but every time you apologise, I’m dragged right back to the times you’re apologising for. ”

I wipe the tears that are silently streaming down my cheeks, not caring about touching the bruises and causing myself pain.

This woman, my daughter, is amazing despite of me, not because of me. She spends every day knowingly making choices that I should have made for her.

“One thing from the moment you were born that has always been true is that I’ve loved you and maybe if I had loved you a little less I wouldn’t have been so selfish as to keep you with me.”

“I used to wish I could go live with Slade and Kristen but when I was ten, I learned that was never going to happen. I am who I am today because of our life, and like you said, we can’t change it, but I can change how I live as an adult.

You can do the same, Mom. When are you going to learn that men aren’t the answer for you?

You can find freedom and happiness in being alone, I reckon your life would be fuller for it. ”

“Maybe.” Though I can’t see it myself. Whether I’m in a relationship or on my own, I’m just a fuck up.

My grave will one day read, Lily McCarthy. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Fuck Up.

Anyone passing by my headstone will see my name and smile because they will agree.

“I’m proud of you, Harper. I do believe that if you didn’t have JJ, you’d still be the great mother you already are. You’re amazing and I hope that nothing in this life ever changes that.”

Silence hangs between us and we both look down to see Gunner has fallen asleep on her lap.

“He’s a sweet boy, got the look of his father but he’s more you than Jay. I see a bright future for him.”

“If you sort your shit out, you’ll get to see how his future plays out.”

“I think it’s too late for me to settle down around here.”

“I’ll talk to Leo. You’re my mother…”

“Don’t. I deserve to be where I am now. Just like you deserve to have the life here you have. I’m not going to risk what you’ve built cause I’ve fallen for the wrong guy again.”

“That’s the saddest shit I’ve ever heard, Mom.”

“The truth mostly is. Regardless, I’ve caused you enough trouble and I’m done with it.”

“Mom, you’re tired and you’re hurting. Let me help you back to bed, we can talk another day when you’re stronger.”

“Sure.”

She lays Gunner down on the couch and then proceeds to help me back up the stairs. Once I’m back in bed, she asks, “Is there anything I can get you?”

“A fresh glass of water, thanks.”

Before she reaches the door, I tell her, “You’re the very best part of me.”

She nods and then quickly escapes.