Page 8 of He Thugged Me First

GAYZE

“ H ow did it feel?” Kenya asked, boring into my soul as I lie back on her big plush sofa. She was my therapist, the person I told everything to and didn’t feel judged. I had started coming to see her when I came back and realized I had really bad anxiety.

“To see him or save him?” I asked, focusing on the cushion under me. I always had to focus on something other than myself when talking about my feelings, or I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe and start hyperventilating.

“To see him?”

I squinted my eyes closed and tucked my lip below my teeth choosing my words wisely before I spoke. “Like I was thrust back into my past. Like I was a teenager again, sneaking out of my grandmother’s window going to see him.”

She tapped her pen against the notepad in her hand, something she always did when she was thinking. “Do you love Chase?” she asked.

“I used to.” I opened my eyes and looked at her.

“You’ve never said that before. Has seeing Mazzier put you in a different frame of mind?”

I just looked at her. I didn’t have an answer for what she was asking. My brain was still reeling off of seeing him and saving his life. He was heavily on my mind.

“So, when is the next time you’ll be seeing Mazzier?” she asked with hopeful eyes.

“I don’t know. Hopefully never.” I mused. Of course I didn’t mean it, but I was still holding a grudge with him, or was I not? When I saw him go down that day, I couldn’t help but jump into action while the rapid beating of my heart pushed me to work.

“Cute. Have you ever thought about getting closure?”

“I’m from the hood, Kenya. Closure isn’t something you get there. People just get over things, just like?—”

“You have when it comes to Chase? Have you grown tired of him?” she asked, boring at me with her big, brown eyes. If she wasn’t my therapist, I’d think she was nosy.

“Grown? No, Kenya. I am tired of him.” I shook my head in pure disgust. I hated it but, since seeing Mazzier, I got more irritated with Chase than usual because he wasn’t him.

She giggled. “So seeing Mazzier has put you in a state of confusion, or do you see things more clearly?”

Defensively, I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with Mazzier. Chase and I haven’t been compatible for years. I just stay out of comfort.” I shrugged, glancing up at the clock behind her. My time was almost up.

“You’ve said this before but blamed it on frustration once you retracted it. How does being with Chase make you feel?”

“Like I’m wasting my time with a man who doesn’t even see me.

We’re so different since the move, that I’m pretty sure I don’t even see him.

Back home, I felt like we knew one another, or at least I thought we did.

Now, I don’t even know who I am, let alone who the hell I go to bed with most nights. ”

“Then why stay? It has to be uncomfortable being with a person who you don’t know.”

I shrugged. “Uncomfortable, but comfortable.”

“Was it that bad with Mazzier?” she asked. She always did this. She’d catch me slipping in one topic and switch back over. It was a classic tactic to force me to think deeper.

“No. It wasn’t bad until the end. Hell, even then I felt like it was a dream. Most of my best moments were with him, to be honest.” I smiled.

“He made you happy?”

“We were kids, but yes, he did.” I nodded.

“Then try to channel those moments when you speak with him from now on.”

It’s safe to say my session with Kenya left me with more questions than I went in with.

I was right though. I didn’t know who I was.

The only thing that made me smile most days was my accomplishments and where I thought I was going with my life.

Sadly, I was tired and I knew it. It wasn’t a physical tired or any of that; this was a tired soul.

My soul was exhausted, and I didn’t have the slightest clue on how to replenish it.

Once I left Kenya’s studio office, I made my way to the hospital.

She was right down the street from it, so I was elated to walk while I pulled my phones from my purse, powering them both back on.

I made it a habit of turning my devices off anytime I needed a moment.

I mean, what was the worst that could happen?

The hospital would be fine because I had a second in command, and my personal life wasn’t missing shit.

The only people that called me were my grandmother, Nadeen, Autumn, and sometimes Chase.

However, he and I weren’t talking as of right now.

I didn’t remember why, but I couldn’t care less because it meant less forced conversations and more silence.

It also meant he wasn’t home often because he was avoiding me.

“Lemme get this straight. You can’t answer ya phone and discharge ya patient, but you can walk the streets like yeen got a care in the world?”

His voice and closeness made me turn around. Mazzier was standing behind me smelling delightful and looking even better. One wouldn’t even know he was shot and almost lost his life a week prior.

“You shouldn’t have been discharged, but I see some things never change.” I was referring to his bull headedness.

He laughed. “You know me now? I’m not Mr. Carson?”

I giggled. “What is it that you want, Mazzier?”

“For you to get in the car.” He gestured toward the expensive Lamborghini truck double parked in the street.

“And why would I do that?” I pursed my lips and tilted my head to the side.

It took everything in me not to lick my lips in admiration of him.

Mazz had always been easy on the eyes, and that much hadn’t changed.

He was freaking beautiful in the most masculine way possible.

He stood about six feet three with the build of a well-played athlete.

His cocoa skin was blemish free, as it had always been, because he took care of it.

I even tried to ignore the handsome hint of irritation in his auburn irises.

I remembered when we were younger, any time he would get mad, they’d look like a fire was blazing in them.

Then on top of that, he still had the smoothest two-tone full lips.

The top was slightly darker than the bottom, but still smooth.

“Because I asked nicely, and I know for sure you ’ont wanna stitch me back up if I have to pick ya thick ass up and put you in the fucking car. So you tell me why you’d do that.”

I laughed. “We aren’t kids anymore. I’m not?—”

“What you wanna do, G?”

I glanced around before nodding and walking over to his car. I damn sure wasn’t expecting him to open the door for me, but he did. He even waited until I got in to close the door.

Once he walked around and got in, I crossed my hands and looked ahead, no matter how good he looked or smelled. “What do you need, Mazz?” I asked.

“Don’t ask me that. I might tell you something yeen ready for.”

The sexual undertone in his sentence caused me to tighten my legs. “What was so urgent that I needed to get into the car with you?” I had to catch myself because this was definitely the same nigga that had my head in the clouds while he embarrassed the fuck out of me when I was younger.

“Why weren’t you at the hospital?” he asked as if he cared.

“Today is my off day. I was just going in to do some paperwork and run a seminar.” I shrugged.

He nodded.

“I’m proud of you.” He licked his lips and glanced over at me as he man handled the steering wheel with one hand.

I nodded. “Thank you. Now why?—”

“Don’t ruin it, G. I just wanna catch up with you. Can I do that?”

Shaking my head, I still looked ahead. “I mean, do I even have a choice?”

“You do, but I don’t give a fuck about it at this moment.”

I cut my eyes at him, and he was smirking before his face grew serious out of nowhere. “You still love Thai?”

I smirked. This nigga was definitely kissing up. “Yeah. Why?”

He nodded and turned the music up and focused on driving. He drove for about twenty more minutes and we pulled into Canez.

I glanced over at him as he parked. “What are we doing here?”

“Stop asking so many questions and get out of the car, G.” He got out and slammed the door behind himself.

After a few seconds, I opened the door and stepped out before walking over to him.

Once he had locked the door with the key fob, we walked into the structure.

When we walked in, I wasn’t surprised that the place was closed, but I was surprised by the dimmed lights.

The further we walked into the space, I could see food placed out on the bar.

“How did you know I’d say yes?” I glanced over at him as we ascended the three steps.

“I didn’t. I was prepared to bust a few stitches and put yo’ stubborn ass in the car.”

I couldn’t even hold back my laughter. He was serious. “Well.”

He grabbed the food and walked it over to the booth across from the bar.

“Didn’t you hate Thai?” I asked, taking a seat across from him.

“I did, but remember how many times you had me going to Oak Park to get you that shit? I had to start liking it after a while.”

I shook my head. “You could’ve told me no.”

“Nah, I couldn’t have.” He glanced up at me with a smirk. “You was spoiled as fuck.”

I laughed. “No more than you.”

He chewed his food, nodding his head.

There was definitely an elephant in the room, but neither of us wanted to address it.

For some reason, I had probably thought about seeing him thousands of times and knew what I was gonna say to him.

Right now, I was coming up with blanks. I didn’t want to ruin this mood, even though I probably shouldn’t have been here.

After a few moments of silence, he spoke. “Look, I’on like this.” He set his chopsticks down and looked over at me.

“What?” I asked, knowing damn well what he was talking about.

“Look, I fouled up in the past. I was young and dumb as fuck, but I make no excuses. I wasn’t shit, but I should’ve been for you.”

I laughed. “We were young.”