Page 68 of He Is My Bride

While they waited for the auspicious day and Li Ying finished his studies, Hanjun visited him in New York as often as his increasingly responsible duties allowed.

They were both busy as ever, but just sitting around the same table while they worked felt good.

Or being able to fall asleep in each other’s arms, or cook the other a meal.

Hear that ‘I’m home’ and ask ‘how was your day?’ Hanjun missed those little things whenever he had to go back to Shanghai alone.

He committed to his work, his tea, and his qi gong, trying to find peace of mind between missing Li Ying and worrying about their future.

And the future worried Hanjun a great deal in those days.

Sometimes, Hanjun even thought of letting Li Ying go.

When Li Ying was around, it was easier for Hanjun to breathe, to be. Everything felt right, felt whole, while being apart felt like there was a gaping hole in Hanjun’s life, but could he really ask Li Ying to give up his whole life just to marry him?

Despite how much they loved each other, there was simply so much that wanted to get between them: society, culture, all on so many levels. They were defying everything to continue being together.

Just like Hanjun’s father and mother had.

But of course they were, neither man could live without the other.

…Could you? Hanjun asked Li Ying’s neck.

The slighter man was being his little spoon. Hanjun was drawing a continuous figure eight across Li Ying’s neck and listening to his deep, sleeping breaths.

It was one of their too-many last nights together in New York. Hanjun had to return to Shanghai tomorrow, and he couldn’t sleep with his heavy thoughts.

They had both begun to realize the rest of Li Ying’s life would be more challenging than just playing some dress-up if he stayed in China, yet they hadn’t discussed these realities since the day Wu Yiheng finally gave them his blessing.

Will you grow to resent your life, resent me, if I keep you in Shanghai?

Would Li Ying end up like Hanjun’s mother? The thought was a stab through Hanjun’s heart.

Hanjun didn’t doubt Li Ying loved him. Li Ying told him that every day, in so many more ways than words, but would he love Hanjun enough to keep living a lie year after year?

I would do the same for you, Hanjun thought.

Would he?

Indeed, what had Hanjun given up to be with Li Ying so far? The only one making sacrifices was his fiancé.

I’m so selfish!

And, accepting that, Hanjun kept his silence.

Li Ying had already said yes, that he was sure, had he not? Surely he would speak up if he didn’t want to go through all this after all, or so Hanjun told himself .

Yet he knew Li Ying feared abandonment and yearned for a place to belong, for someone who loved him unconditionally, and Hanjun couldn’t help but feel he was taking advantage of that.

Silently, Li Ying held in his heart the same fears: that he couldn’t do this.

Li Ying feared his love wouldn’t be enough to keep him going when his life would be spent lying, meeting everyone’s expectations, and just pretending on so many levels. Li Ying had dreamed of a simpler life.

On the other hand, Li Ying was just as afraid as Hanjun to consider a life without the other. Perhaps living in Shanghai as a woman would leave Li Ying wondering how different life could have been if Hanjun weren’t someone so important, but the thought of living without Hanjun was terribly lonely.

Li Ying didn’t want to scare Hanjun though, to make him worry, or doubt his devotion, and so he, too, kept his silence.

And in their silence, the day of their wedding drew closer.

—

The Qians showed up to Li Ying’s graduation ceremony late next spring, save for Mrs. Qian, not that Li Ying had expected her.

And so Li Ying swore his Hippocratic oath in an auditorium full of young, hopeful doctors, and got his M.D.

This would be enough for him to start practicing as a doctor in China in certain settings, but he had been in contact with a hospital in Shanghai and had negotiated a residency to become a trauma surgeon.

Even if it was going to be different from what he had envisioned, Li Ying was looking forward to it: he would get to patch up much more than little cuts.

“Congratulations, Li Ying!” Amy handed him a rose from all of them and hugged him .

“Well done.” Qian Hong smiled and took his turn hugging his foster son. “Here’s a small graduation gift.” Qian Hong handed Li Ying a discreet envelope.

“Thank you, uncle!” I will put this towards mine and Hanjun’s new home.

The two of them had been looking at houses in the French Concession.

Of course Hanjun had the funds for everything they might ever need and more, but Li Ying would contribute what he could out of principle, as ridiculous as it may look to outsiders.

“Congratulations.” Kai offered his hand for a shake, but Li Ying wouldn’t have it:

“Thanks, bro!” Li Ying snatched Kai into a hug too. Kai awkwardly hugged him back.

After the formalities, the Qians offered Li Ying dinner at a nice restaurant.

Li Ying clinked his glass and gave all the patrons a speech mentioning student parties and rubbing alcohol, and how his remaining brain cells were now ready to start caring for patients.

He garnered a few laughs and got a room full of strangers to toast with him.

Kai put his face into his hand, visibly embarrassed.

Discussion then naturally revolved around the future, and Li Ying knew it was time to break some news:

“I will move to Shanghai permanently to do a residency in traumatology.”

The news dropped on the Qians completely out of the blue. Li Ying had not foreshadowed this at all. For a moment, all they could do was stare.

Li Ying pattered his well-cared nails on the table and didn’t stop smiling, as if this were the greatest news of the day.

Finally, Amy spoke first:

“Have you thought about this for long? ”

“Well, yes.”

“How nice of you to let us know in a timely manner! When are you leaving, tomorrow?” Kai lashed.

Li Ying scratched his cheek with his middle finger towards Kai. Kai suppressed an urge to kick him under the table, trying to be the grown-up one.

“You could have told us sooner,” Qian Hong said to Li Ying, trying to be gentle, but it was obvious he was disappointed.

“Yeah, I…” I hate, hate, hate lying! “I wasn’t sure until recently. I didn’t want to, uhm, make you worry?”

“Why should we worry?” Kai said. “It’s exactly something you would do, isn’t it, moving to another country to study.

You will probably be fine, but you could have given the courtesy of telling us what’s going on in your crazy head.

You just expect us to take anything you come up with in our stride! ”

“I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner.”

“When are you leaving?” Amy asked.

“…Next month.”

Another whiplash. Kai could only laugh. He got back to his food, not saying another word.

“It’s indeed very sudden, Li Ying.” Qian Hong looked concerned at him.

“I know. I’m sorry, Uncle. I will visit often!”

“Do you have an apartment yet?” Uncle Qian asked.

“I’ve been looking. Hanjun will help me get my footing.” I’m marrying him! Li Ying’s heart cried out: I’m marrying the man of my dreams, and we’re moving together and having a child!

But he couldn’t say anything. He felt like there was an invisible wall between him and his family, growing thicker all the time.

Li Ying was aware of Amy’s soft gaze on him. He forced himself to keep eating, although his mouth felt dry and clumsy.

“Well, you are certainly very brave,” Qian Hong said. “I wish you all the luck, and remember: you can always come back home. We will support you, whatever you do. ”

“Thank you,” Li Ying said and meant it from the bottom of his heart, though he felt like he couldn’t accept the offer.

After dinner, Amy told Li Ying he should come over for tea and something she had baked, so Li Ying went over to the Qians’ in Brooklyn Heights.

Mrs. Qian had come home too, and at least she congratulated Li Ying on his graduation.

Everyone was wise enough not to mention Li Ying’s plans in her presence, for surely she would have had nothing good to say, and no one wanted to ruin Li Ying’s day.

After tea, Amy invited Li Ying to her room to talk. Li Ying sat on the bed and took one of her plushies to hug.

“Li Ying, what is this about?”

“I’m getting together with that person. We are going to live in Shanghai together.”

Amy sat next to him. “You move to another country to be with this man, so clearly he’s very important to you, yet you can’t tell us who it is? Not even to me?”

Li Ying shook his head, looking down. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing to be sorry about.” Amy hugged Li Ying. “I’m sure you have your reasons.”

Li Ying’s heart couldn’t take it. “We’re married.”

Amy pulled back to gawk at him with wide eyes. “Married? My little A-Ying…? Oh! ”

Amy pulled him into a hug again, and some weight was lifted off Li Ying’s heart immediately. He smiled.

“Yes, I’m married to him, and we’re getting wedded this summer.” How good it felt to be able to tell the truth!

“Congratulations, A-Ying! I wish…” Amy wished she had known.

Part of her even felt hurt that Li Ying hadn’t involved his family in his life, but she didn’t want to make him feel guilty.

“I wish you luck! When is the wedding? Where... How? Did you get married here in the States?”

“Well…” Li Ying knew it was dangerous to tell any more, but he trusted Amy.

“You must not tell anyone, or he and I could get in serious trouble, but I… I have dressed up to pass as a woman to his family, and all the government officials in China ratifying our marriage, so that I could marry him and live with him in Shanghai.”

At first Amy thought Li Ying must be pulling her nose, but while her jokester of a brother could probably say something like that entirely deadpan, something told Amy he was serious this time.

“We’re also having a child in the States by surrogacy. Two, I hope.” Li Ying fiddled with his fingers, not daring to look Amy in the face.