Page 39 of He Is My Bride

Li Ying woke up beyond space and time, only knowing he had a consciousness but did nothing with it. His body felt like a burden too heavy to lift. One by one, last night’s events started coming back to him.

I don’t want to get up… Because if he did, he would know exactly how bad he was gonna have it.

Li Ying heard the door open and close in the hallway. Distant voices of Anne and Hanjun, and then the bedroom door opened.

“Still in bed?” Anne’s voice asked. “You better get up and shower and start making yourself presentable, we’re leaving for the airport in a few hours.”

“Can’t I just die instead?”

“That bad, huh?” Anne took out his luggage and started packing. “We’ll leave most things here at Hanjun’s, you won’t be using these clothes back home anyway, so when you come back, they’ll wait for you here.”

“I want the McQueens. And the cute things, the bunny shoes, the Miu Miu dress…”

“Will you use them?”

“Yes.” He just might, Li Ying thought. Girling it out was fun .

Li Ying bit the bullet and gingerly lifted himself from the bed. His head was thumping, but it wasn’t too bad. He would need an ibuprofen, a big cup of coffee, and some food, and he would clear out by the evening. That said, he might need a bag for takeoff.

Li Ying left Anne to pack his things and dragged himself to the kitchen, where the delicious smell of chicken noodle soup wafted from.

Hanjun was there with a big bowl in front of him.

Although Hanjun sat straight as a bamboo shoot and spooned soup into his mouth with slow, deliberate movements, Li Ying noticed his hand shaking ever so slightly.

“Good morning,” Li Ying greeted, “how do you feel?”

“Hm.”

“Yeah, same.” Li Ying popped a pill for the headache and drank straight from the tap, filled himself a bowl of healing soup and joined Hanjun.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Li Ying asked.

Hanjun thought for a good moment. “…No.” It was all a blur.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“ ‘Pya pya.’”

“Okay, did anyone break the news to you yet?”

Hanjun looked at him questioningly. Li Ying sighed.

“So you basically passed out on the couch and took a short nap, then woke up and stretched real good so that your fist hit Wang Hao so hard he flew across the room. Then you chucked his bitch off me because we were tussling, and then you ran away carrying me before the security came, then we came home and you were just chilling until I tucked you in. And we had some pretty good sex, yeah.”

Hanjun stared at Li Ying for a second in silence, letting that all sink in.

He sighed heavily and proceeded to spoon broth into his mouth.

All in all it seemed the straight-laced man was taking the recounting of his drunken escapades better than expected.

It was true Hanjun’s recollection of last night was hazy, but if he had punched his least favorite cousin and made his boyfriend happy, well, night well spent.

“All in all, I think it was a pretty good night out.” Li Ying concluded and went to town on his noodles.

After the meal he felt much better, although not a hundred percent, went to take a shower, and put on some light makeup.

He wore just some athleisure for travel comfort: gray joggers and a matching hoodie and the bunny ballerinas, black cap with his hair on a low messy bun, and he would be sure to put on the big Gucci sunglasses when going through the airport, not wanting the press to catch his tired eyes although he could be sure last night’s shenanigans would end up in the press somehow.

When the moment of departure drew close, Li Ying went to Hanjun, who was still particularly quiet, sitting on the couch and trying to meditate the hangover away.

“Hanjun…” Li Ying called in a sing-song voice.

Hanjun noticed Li Ying hiding something behind his back. Li Ying smiled and huddled next to him on the couch.

“I’m going to be an absolute wreck when I have to go home without you. I’m not sure it’s going to even feel like a home anymore when you’re not there.” Li Ying put his head on Hanjun’s shoulder and the man turned to hug him, kissing his hair.

“You’ll be back soon.” Hanjun sounded like he was reassuring himself just as much as Li Ying.

“But will you miss me?” Li Ying asked.

“Yes,” Hanjun responded in a whisper like the last delicate petal falling off a tree, giving up with beautiful sorrow. It pierced Li Ying’s heart.

Hanjun was always so calm and patient, but Li Ying knew he would be struggling as well, in his own quiet way. Hanjun would grin and bear it while carrying out his duties, but Li Ying had gotten Hanjun something he hoped would ease his loneliness :

“I got you something else from the tea store,” Li Ying said. “Close your eyes.”

Hanjun closed them, and Li Ying brought the gift forth from behind his back, letting it sit on his palms. “Open!”

Hanjun did, and saw a small clay rooster in Li Ying’s hands—a tea pet.

It was stylized, cute and round, its little beak held up as if to drink up the tea that would be poured on it—or as if to give a kiss.

Hanjun’s eyes softened, and that tiny smile sneaked to his lips.

He gently cupped the tiny tea rooster in his hands and inspected the craftsmanship.

“Since my zodiac sign is a rooster, now my rooster can sit next to your rabbits on the shelf and join you for tea,” Li Ying said. “Think about me when you pour tea on this little guy, and my spirit will be with you.”

Hanjun held the tea pet to his heart with one hand, the other pulling Li Ying into a hug.

Hanjun buried his face against his neck, squeezing him hard, and Li Ying felt him trembling.

Hanjun said nothing, couldn’t. Li Ying held him.

Hanjun was crying, and Li Ying couldn’t help but break down in tears too.

They stayed like that for a long time. Once Hanjun’s shoulders had stopped shaking he said:

“I will keep it close, always.”

“Guys?” Anne called gingerly from the hallway, not having wanted to disturb their moment, but now as it seemed they were done, she needed to urge them to get going; their flight would depart in two hours.

Hanjun wasn’t confident driving them to the airport while he was still hungover, so he got them a taxi.

He sat at the back with Li Ying, letting him rest his head on his shoulders and caressing his hand with his fingers, as if they wanted to charge themselves up with each other’s energy until the last possible moment.

When they pulled up to the drop-off point, Hanjun got up with Li Ying and embraced him, giving him a final kiss while their driver was unloading their luggage.

Li Ying clung to Hanjun’s neck, kissing him desperately, not wanting to let go, not ever wanting to exist in any other time or place than this.

But time never stops and the world kept spinning, and eventually they tore themselves off from each other.

“Behave now.” Hanjun pressed one more kiss on Li Ying’s forehead. At this point Li Ying was sobbing inconsolably.

Get yourself together! Li Ying told himself, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

Why? Why do I feel like I’m being abandoned when it’s not like that?

Hanjun wasn’t abandoning him, they would only have to be apart for a while because of practicalities, Li Ying reasoned with himself, but no matter what his logical mind told him, his body kept reacting with a visceral feeling of loss, and the tears just kept coming.

I have to go back to school and Hanjun has work to do.

Stop crying, you’re an adult living in an adult world now.

“I-I’m sorry…” Li Ying feared he was being a burden, acting like a big baby and forcing Hanjun to deal with it again.

Hanjun’s arms closed around him, and Li Ying thought he might crumble to dust. He clung to Hanjun and cried into his coat lapels that smelled like cypress.

Hanjun embraced Li Ying, thinking: just one more time. He didn’t care if the taxi driver was waiting for him, he didn’t care that there was a line of cars by now, none of it mattered. Only Li Ying mattered.

Their separation wasn’t easy for Hanjun either, but unlike him, who’d learned to put his own feelings aside for the sake of family, Li Ying had always been more sensitive. Hanjun admired him for it, how Li Ying never diminished his own emotions.

Am I a cold person? Hanjun asked himself.

But there was a sea of emotions within him, and the deep currents of his heart flowed towards the day he would get to marry Li Ying and make him happy every day. He knew their separation was temporary, and in that knowledge, he stood like a rock in a storm.

But there was a disturbing undercurrent, a doubt that ate away at Hanjun: even if they fooled everyone and got married, could he truly make Li Ying happy like this? But Li Ying had agreed to the plan, Hanjun reminded himself, because he knew it was the only way.

…Is it? Hanjun felt himself less like a rock and more like glass when he wondered if he had the right to demand Li Ying lead a double life for his sake. Hanjun feared he was dooming Li Ying to unhappiness if he stayed with him, keeping secrets from his family and the whole world.

Hanjun feared Wu Yiheng was right, that he was repeating the mistakes of his father.

Hanjun pushed aside his doubts. He had to trust Li Ying, that he wanted to marry him enough to see this through, even if the plan demanded sacrifices. Because if he didn’t… Hanjun thought he might shatter.

“Li Ying,” Hanjun spoke gently.

Li Ying still sobbed, quieter now, calming down. “Mm?”

“Promise me to smile at least once every day. I want to know that you still find reasons to smile even if we are apart. I can’t stand thinking of you unhappy.”

“You wanna make me cry again?” Li Ying sniffled and wiped his eyes.

Hanjun waited until Li Ying could meet his gaze.

Li Ying thought Hanjun’s eyes seemed to say: ‘promise me ,’ and Li Ying forced himself to smile, to show Hanjun he could do it. Hanjun had always been so strong for him, Li Ying thought; maybe it was his turn to be strong for Hanjun too, show him he could be a big boy while they were apart.

“I promise I will smile for you every day.”

“Good.” Hanjun wiped a tear off Li Ying’s cheek.

He had to use every bit of his willpower to step back and let go of Li Ying again.

The knowledge that he couldn’t touch his beloved again for over a month crushed him like a mountain settling on his heart, but Hanjun stood steadfast. It would pass, he told himself, ignoring the doubts hounding him from the corners of his mind .

Anne stepped forth. “Thank you for everything, Sir Hanjun. Perhaps we can meet when you come to New York.”

“Thank you, Lü Anne. Until next time.” Hanjun bowed to her.

Baffled by the gesture, Anne returned the bow. She came to take Li Ying’s hand and began leading him away.

“Alright, it’s time to go.”

Li Ying let Anne pull him away, looking back at Hanjun who held his gaze until Li Ying and Anne had entered the terminal building and the doors closed, separating them.

For now.