Page 62 of He Is My Bride

Hanjun’s heart felt lighter after seeing that smile. The news must not have been bad, then, for Li Ying to smile, but there was something sad in his eyes too.

“Guess what?” Li Ying asked Hanjun as he sat in the passenger seat.

“Well?” Hanjun looked at Li Ying with a mixture of hope and worry.

“Wu Yiheng has blessed our marriage!” Li Ying threw himself at Hanjun, hugging him.

Being close to him made Li Ying feel better about everything, even with the sacrifices he would have to make. It would be worth it.

It would.

Hanjun hugged Li Ying back, stunned at the sudden happy news. “I’m… I’m glad.” Once Hanjun let Li Ying go, he asked: “How did it go?”

Li Ying explained to Hanjun while they drove home. Recounting all the points Wu Yiheng had made, Li Ying fell silent .

“Are you alright?” Hanjun asked when his fiancé had sat quietly for a prolonged moment.

“I guess I’m just starting to realize how radically my life will change for good once I settle down here.

I don’t mind pretending to be a woman per se, but not being able to be all of myself most of the time is…

Well, I have to get used to living a double life, that I knew, and that there would always be the risk of getting caught that comes with it, so we must stay careful.

But we have managed well so far, haven’t we? ”

“…Mm.” Hanjun looked ahead on the road, a frown settling upon his brow.

“And even if I didn’t have to pretend to be a woman, probably even to our… even to our own children.”

Hanjun felt a cold emptiness grip him. He was ready to lie at the face of the whole world to be with Li Ying, but how had he not, in his single-minded need to marry Li Ying no matter the cost, ever considered that the lie might have to extend to their children as well?

It would be simply too dangerous to tell them the truth.

It seemed Li Ying had thought about this and was ready to accept that even his own children wouldn’t know who he truly was, who their father truly loved.

It broke Hanjun’s heart, but Li Ying continued with a lightness of tone which Hanjun knew he used to cover up his own hurt:

“Even without the masquerading, I have to fit into the society life from here on. But I couldn’t have kept living the way I have forever, I guess.

I had to grow up eventually, drop the bar crawls and rock concerts.

Now I will be a respectable citizen and a hard worker, a dutiful wife and a good mother, and I won’t have so much time to get into trouble anymore.

That’s a good thing, right?” Li Ying laughed dryly and fidgeted with his hem, looking out of the window.

“But I suppose I’m… hoping that I could still get up to mischief sometimes, you know?

Maybe when I visit New York, then I can be just a hoodlum of a man for a few days where no one knows me. ”

But Li Ying, Hanjun thought as the rain began pattering the windshield, I have always loved the hoodlum of a man that you are...

And Hanjun believed that inside his heart, Li Ying would always be a little rascal. There would always be that twinkle in his eye, that playfulness to his smile that Hanjun loved so much that it would kill him to see it gone.

But was tying Li Ying down to the Shanghai high-society life going to destroy his spirit, eventually? Like it had destroyed Hanjun’s mother’s spirit?

Can I truly make you happy here? Hanjun felt how fragile a thread was keeping his world together, and he was too afraid of the answer, how it might unravel both of their resolve to ask that question out loud.

So Hanjun just listened to Li Ying talk, and now it sounded like the man was just trying to convince himself:

“I’m sure I can find ways to have fun here!

I’m not going to be just Uncle Yiheng’s political tool.

Of course, you work in the company and will be heading it one day, so it will be in my interest to see Wu Pharma thrive as well, so I will do my best to make myself useful.

I just hope I don’t have to get into marketing as Uncle Yiheng suggested. ”

“You shouldn’t give up on your dreams for the company’s sake.” Hanjun’s words rang hollow in his own ears. Wasn’t that exactly what he was asking Li Ying to do from the very beginning?

“Well, it’s not like Uncle Yiheng can withdraw his blessing once we are already married, so what is he going to do about it if I decide not to become his international trade puppet once the ink is dry?

I’m sure he can still make my life miserable if I don’t lend myself for the family’s benefit somehow , but perhaps as a doctor I can apply myself in some way that appeases him. ”

“You should do what you want with your career. I won’t let Uncle Yiheng bully you. ”

“Thanks, Hanjun.” Li Ying gently caressed his thigh. “He just ought to be happy we’ll have children to keep the Wangs’ sticky paws off the Wus’ shares, and everything else is a bonus.”

“…Mm.”

“Anyway, big changes are coming in a year and a half, and all of it just got me thinking about things, you know. But I’m happy I will be spending the rest of my life with you!”

“It was never a question.”

Only a question of the terms under which they would marry, and Hanjun thought the terms were not looking good for Li Ying right now. They were all Hanjun’s terms.

“Yeah, but it’s better this way,” Li Ying said, “when you don’t have to give up your father’s legacy or risk breaking any ties. Or me having to be a mistress, hehe! After all, you have more to lose than I.”

Was it really true, Hanjun wondered. Li Ying still had a family of his own, had a life of his own that he was giving up for his sake.

Hanjun felt so ugly inside, so selfish, but he was too afraid of losing Li Ying, so all he could do was thank him over and over in his head, for being so much stronger than him.

Li Ying just smiled at him so genuinely, without a hint of grudge or bitterness while he was giving up everything for him.

Meanwhile Hanjun, just like his father, was making no compromise for the one he claimed to love, dooming them to a life that didn’t look like them.

I’m a terrible person! Hanjun stared at the gray, rain-soaked road ahead of him.