Page 53 of Hat Trick (Titans Hockey #1)

Chapter forty-seven

Emily

I 'm still feeling the pang of resentment and self-pity when my phone dings.

I know I handled that first reaction poorly. I let all the insecurities, the distance, the drama of the press and Cedar get to me. It was like each of them took a chink out of my armor, so when Carter sent me away it was as if all of my insecurities and failings came back full force.

After my initial reaction, it took me a few days to process everything.

What I was feeling. What I was doing. If there was a future at all where we could make it work.

After I unblocked them, I see that all three boys blew up my phone the first few days, but after Sammy told them I was safe, it's been radio silent.

Is that how fragile our relationship was?

That after a day of trying to apologize they'd just give up?

That's all I'm worth to them? I didn't mean to cold-shoulder them, and I wasn't trying to make them prove anything to me.

But I needed to know I was wanted. That I was valued.

And currently, I don't feel either. I'm still confused, and hoping, that with time, things will make more sense, but right now I'm still hurt, angry and confused.

When I look at my phone, it's with trepidation.

Do I want it to be one of the boys? Am I ready to face them?

To hear their side of the story and decide what I will and won't deal with anymore?

I don't know. I'm afraid if they apologize, I'll break down and give in.

But if I do, won't that set the expectation that I can be sent away whenever something gets hard?

That I'm still not part of their unit? That I'm still the outsider?

The nanny-with-benefits, as the press so generously called me?

But when I look, it's not the boys. It's Sammy. And it's simply a link to a Titan's Facebook post.

"It's the 21st Century. It's called polyamory, people."

A rock lodges itself in my stomach, but I click the link and see the same set of paparazzi photos from before. God, how could Siobhan do this to us?

"As many of you have seen the last few weeks, Titan's Captain Carter Rhodes, Right Winger Luca Tavares, and Goalie Gabe Karrlson are in a polyamorous relationship with Emily Jones.

Before they announced their relationship to the public, some slimy paparazzi caught pictures of their perfectly normal, perfectly happy relationship and tried to drag them through the mud.

Shame on them, and shame on every single one of you keyboard warriors that had something negative to say about them.

Especially about Emily's appearance. In this day-and-age we should be better than shaming people on the internet for living a life different from ours. "

"She's the most beautiful woman we've ever met, both inside and out. I don't care what the public thinks, in our house, she's a Goddess and we'll worship her accordingly." Gabe says.

A silent sob escapes my mouth. But I continue reading.

"So where paparazzi tried to invent a scandal, what they truly uncovered was a happy polyamorous relationship. Which, in reality, is quite boring. So shame on them .

And for the rest of your keyboard warriors, let the Titan's PR team reiterates something your mama should have taught you: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

-Siobhan Hannity, Titan's PR

I swallow thickly, before wiping a tear from my cheek. The masochist in me scrolls down to the comments.

Danielle Cade: Good for her! She's won the NHL lottery with three of the best players in the league! #goals

Daisy Dobbs: Seriously, where can I sign up??

Lauren Collier: That's right! It's the 21st century! Modern men take note - a woman is worth so much more than her looks, and these men know it! They see a Queen!

Lynne Rotan: Finally! Men who can appreciate a real woman! Go Emily! (Can we be bffs?)

Gabrielle St. James: Gurl! Teach me your ways!

I smile gratefully. There are a few old men in the comments still complaining, but in the grand scheme of things they don't matter.

Is this why the boys have been silent? Were they working with Siobhan to write this piece? I can't believe the Titans defended our unusual relationship so much.

If we even still have a relationship.

This must mean there's still hope for us. This has to be an apology, right? I check the clock on my phone. It's an hour before game time.

Do I go and cheer them on? Or will that only distract them? Can I talk to them before the game? Would that only hurt or help?

Surely, they'll be able to play better with clearer heads?

Just then the doorbell rings and a young man in a Titans staff polo is standing on my front porch, a manilla envelope in his hand .

"Emily Jones?"

"Yes?"

"Siobhan Hannity asked me to hand deliver this to you." I take the folder with a 'thanks' and close the front door behind me. I flop ungracefully onto the couch and stare at it. A thousand scenarios play across my vision.

My termination letter, a lawsuit for inter-staff relations, a copy of the press release about the boys and I, an NDA, a cease and desist.

I wipe my hands down my thighs before opening the folder.

A Titans ticket falls out, but the hand-written pages underneath it catches my eye.

Princess,

Fuck. I'm so sorry. I fucked up. We fucked up.

We took something beautiful, someone beautiful, and let her think she wasn't the most goddamn important thing in our life.

I didn't stand up for you. I didn't protect you.

The one person in my life worth protecting.

I can't tell you how heartbroken I am. I can't tell you how disappointed in myself I am.

That night was a turning point in my life, and I failed.

I miss you. I miss your skin. I miss your sass.

I miss your smiles. Fuck, I even miss your smell.

I've never loved anyone before. I didn't know what love felt like until you.

But if this pain in my chest, the nausea in my stomach, and my inability to sleep, or eat, or think about anything that isn't you is a clue. I fucking love you, Princess.

I'm so fucking sorry I failed you. If you have it in your heart to try, though, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I'll never fail you again.

I love you, Princess.

Your Gab e

A strangled sob escapes from my chest. I clutch the letter as if it can hold the pieces of my heart together. They broke me. All three of them destroyed me. But I refuse to be a puppet in their game any longer. I need more than fancy words.

I wipe my tears and flip open the next letter.

Emily,

I'm afraid to call you my future wife anymore. Because I don't deserve to call you that.

For months before I'd met you, I'd been contemplating settling down.

Finding the one. Starting a family. So, when I walked into our house that day and saw you, the epitome of everything I wanted in a wife, I fell.

And I fell hard. I know it's foolish to fall for someone so fast. But you didn't disappoint.

That day I saw the girl-next-door looks, your shyness, how you weren't after my money or my fame, and I was enamored.

As the weeks went by and you proved to be so much more than I could ever hope for, I fell even harder.

And then you loved my friends. I wouldn't be who I am without Gabe and Carter.

But instead of falling in love and coming between us, you joined us.

You made all of us stronger, smarter, better.

You made us better men. But we still failed you.

I could spend days finding all of the pretty words to convince you to give us another chance.

But my heart hurts too much. I wanted a wife.

And the universe gave me you. And you were more than I could have ever hoped for.

But the second things got hard, I lost you.

I don't deserve you. None of us do. We showed it that day.

I can't tell you what that's done to me.

To lose my future wife. To lose my dream.

To lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Because there's no happily-ever-after without you .

Carter says we have to write you letters. Explaining how we feel. He wants to win you back. But right now, I don't have it in me to ask. We don't deserve you. I'm not sure we ever will. And it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

Yours forever,

Luca

I can't stop the strangled sob that escapes from me.

I double over, holding my chest and crying.

This poor man. He put himself out to the world and the world shat on him.

They boxed him into this pigeonhole and expected him to shut up and behave the way they expected.

I still love Luca. Even if what he did hurt me.

And regardless of the hurt, this man deserves the world.

He's so open, and kind, and loving and honest.

My fingers tremble as I open the last letter.

Baby girl,

I'm not sure I still earn the right to call you baby girl anymore.

But at least in my dreams I do. I'm the world's biggest asshole.

The biggest fool. The biggest dunce. I had the woman of my dreams..

.no. Scratch that. Even I never dreamt of someone as perfect as you.

I had you. Your caring, your compassion, your patience, your thoughtfulness.

I had your body, mind, and soul. I had a best friend, a lover, and someone who loved my surprise daughter as much as I did.

And I fucked it all up. That day with Cedar?

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to protect you, protect Annie, from whatever was about to happen.

But I realized afterwards that that was the wrong thing to do.

To say. You're as much a part of Annie's life as I am.

You're as much a part of this family as I am .

Our little family unit - me, the boys, Annie and you? You're the lynchpin. You're the thing we all revolve around. You're the glue that keeps us together. And I'm so sorry my need for control made you feel like less than the center of my universe. Because you are.

I'm not trying to guilt you into forgiving me.

Fuck, I know how that must sound. But you are.

You're so a part of me, Annie, Gabe, and Luca, that I don't know how to survive without you.

You're the only person in the world who sees me.

I don't know how to survive without being seen.

Without someone worrying about me. Without your sweet kisses and pep talks, and cuddles at night.

Fuck, Emily. I'm so fucking in love with you I can't breathe without you.

I know a lot of nice words don't do it justice.

But I hope...between my words and my actions tonight.

..you can forgive me enough to come home.

I'm so goddamn sorry I ever made you feel like you didn't belong, or as if you weren't as important as everyone else in this house.

This is your home. You are my home. I love you more than words could ever say. All I'm asking is that you give me the chance to prove it.

Yours now and forever,

Carter.

PS. I've included a ticket for tonight's game. If you come, I'll take that to mean you're willing to give us a second chance. If not, I'll give you your space. I can't say the same for Gabe, though.

Tears flow freely now, but the sobs wracking my chest have stilled.

Carter made a mistake, a wrong choice, and sure, it hurt my feelings and fed my insecurities, but I still love him.

I love all three of them so much my heart aches without them.

They're not the only ones suffering from the distance I was so certain I needed.

His knee-jerk reaction to a stressful situation was to remove me from the equation. But my knee-jerk reaction was to get my feelings hurt. I had assumed that 'leave' meant 'leave forever' and not just for the moment. I'm still carrying wounds from Chad, that that's completely unfair to them.

I totally understand why he sent me away. If Chad randomly showed up to our house, I wouldn't want him and my boys in the same room. I should have been patient and understanding, not taken it personally.

In all three letters, all three of my men apologized and explained what had happened from their point of view. They didn't make excuses or try to cast blame on someone else.

And really, isn't that all I can ask for? We were going to make mistakes, people are going to get their feelings hurt, but what matters is that we put love and respect first and try to make things right as quickly as possible.

I didn't let them do that. I ran away and blocked their numbers so that they couldn't.

Shame and regret sicken me, and I look at the clock.

I have an hour to make things right.