Page 15 of Hat Trick (Titans Hockey #1)

Chapter thirteen

Emily

S ince Gabe's anti-me war has come to an end, I've found myself really enjoying myself. I didn't like being rude or mean to Gabe, but he made his bed, so I was going to let him lay in it. He's the one who made me public enemy number one, so I was going to act like it.

After Annie's first steps, though, things at home have become so much more relaxed.

I don't have to hide away in my bedroom or do those tiny passive aggressive things to Gabe anymore.

I actually find myself really enjoying his company as well.

He's sarcastic and crude, but he has a huge heart, and he's fiercely loyal.

And nightly cuddles with Carter seem to be a thing, now.

He never takes it further, so I know it's nothing sexual.

Just two friends finding comfort in each other.

And he always sneaks back into his room before the other boys wake up, just to avoid confrontation.

He and I know it's platonic, but Gabe and Luca might not understand it.

Annie's the easiest child I've ever met, and being with her all day is a joy. I can't help but smile when I look at her.

I already know she's going to give Carter early gray hairs. She's a beautiful, happy baby, with me and two other 'uncles' who dote on her. That's going to turn into a beautiful young woman, who knows her worth and won't settle for anything less. I smile at the thought.

The boys are in Chicago for three days for an away game.

I'm not going to lie, the house feels empty without them.

Annie and I do just fine on our own, but I miss them when they're gone.

Annie does too. She doesn't cry, but she looks around like something is missing.

It breaks my heart that she's away from her dad so much, but that's the life of a professional athlete.

Every hockey player with kids is away from them a lot.

But that means he can afford me, and their beautiful home, and a black AMEX I can use to buy Annie whatever she wants. Kids should be so lucky.

I put Annie down for bed before creeping back to the living room.

We watched the boys' game after dinner, but after a bath and a book, she was ready to go down.

I close the door to our room and sneak back into the living room.

I still need to clean up from dinner, put the toys away, and maybe do a load or two of laundry.

It seems I can't sleep after they play as well because of the adrenaline.

I laugh at myself. I can't imagine actually playing if just watching amps me up.

My phone vibrates on the coffee table. It's a FaceTime request from Carter.

"Great game today, Dad!" I offer.

"I'm too old for this shit."

I snigger. Yes, he's thirty-six, and that's old in hockey standards, but not old at all in the real world. I take in his background.

"You already back at the hotel?"

"Yeah. I showered and came back here. I miss you guys too much. Is Annie down already?" The butterflies attack me again, thinking he was missing me too, until reality settled back in and of course he doesn't miss me.

"Yeah. We had an exciting day, just not as exciting as I think you've had." I smile at the camera. "We went to the park and hit up the swings before older kids started getting rowdy, so instead we went to the ice cream shop next door and had our first taste of ice cream."

"What did she have? "

"Just a bit of my chocolate. Babies aren't really supposed to have dairy, but she loved the chocolate ice cream. I took a video I'll send you."

He's quiet for a moment. "Do you want to see her?"

He nods. "Yeah. That'd be great."

I pad quietly into our bedroom and flip the camera so he can see Annie. There's enough light with her nightlight to make her out. I let him get his fill of her before I sneak back to the living room.

His smile fades as I flip the camera back around and he looks down. "You alright?"

He looks at the camera again, and for a moment I think he's going to brush it off, to lie to me, to hide his feelings like he does for everyone else.

"No." He admits, before walking towards the bed and laying down. He rests the back of his head on his hand, his biceps bulging and stretching the thin material of his shirt. Seeing him reclined on a bed like this sends inappropriate warmth through me.

He may lay in bed with me every night, but it's not like this. I imagine him lying on his back in his bed, and me straddling him. Even the tortured look on his face right now I can imagine as a sex face, twisted up in pleasure. I clear my throat, begging the inappropriate thoughts to go away.

"What's going on?" I ask, abandoning my plans to clean and sitting on the couch.

He runs his free hand down his face and groans. "I hate missing these moments with her. I hate how demanding my job is. I want to be there for my girls, for mom and Annie and you. You're being the parent right now that I'm supposed to be. And I can't even help you when I'm at away games."

I take a beat, thinking about how to respond. I can't imagine the pressure that he's under, and I'm not sure how best to help him. I've taken over all the domestic stuff so he has less on his plate. Annie's thriving, happy and healthy.

"Carter, I don't want to go into detail, but I did therapy for a year or so after.

..doesn't matter. One of the things my therapist told me is that emotions lie to us.

What we feel, isn't necessarily the truth.

She told me to ask myself 'where's the proof?

' If I think I'm a terrible person, where's the proof of that?

Where is your proof, Carter? Is Annie happy and healthy? "

He stares back at me seriously. "Yes."

"And the Titans are kicking ass right now with a real chance at the Stanely cup, right?"

"Yes."

"Your bank account looks good?"

He snorts, but a hint of a smile quirks up his lips. "Yes." He says, 'you know it is' is implied.

"Your team members are good? Focused?"

He nods.

"Your employee is happy and well-compensated?"

His eyes narrow. "Is she?"

I quirk my lips at him and give him back a 'you know she is' look.

A soft chuckle escapes him now.

"Are you happy? Are you healthy?"

"Healthy yes...happy? Sometimes. "

"You have a lot on your shoulders, and I know hockey makes you happy, and Annie makes you happy.

Focus on that. Not what you think you should or should not do.

Before she left, my mother told me parenting is just a lot of guilt.

It sounded harsh at the time, but I get it.

You'll never feel like you're doing enough.

If you're here, you'll feel guilty for letting down your team.

If you're there, you'll feel guilty for letting down Annie.

But the thing is, you're not letting her down.

You're missing first times with Annie, and I know that stings.

There are a lot of 'first times' at this age, but whether you're here or not, those first things will always only be recorded in video.

At this age, Annie needs stability, routine, and unconditional love - all of which you're giving her.

When she's older and is dealing with societal pressures, bullies or boys - that's when she's going to need her dad the most. Right now, Carter, you're killing it as her father, and working to ensure she never wants for a thing in her life. "

He considers my words and I wait. Eventually, his furrowed brow relaxes, and he catches my eye again.

He rolls onto his side and the vision is so damn intimate.

It's as if we're lying in bed together, staring into each other's eyes.

I can't help myself but to lay down on the couch and mirror his pose.

Something passes between us, a connection, or a heat, or a... something. I'm too nervous to hope that he feels it too.

"And you. Do you miss me?"

I swallow and nod. "I do." And it's true. Over the last few months, Carter's become my best friend - someone whose friendship I've come to really cherish.

"I miss you, too." His voice is low and intimate, whispered, and it sends electricity to my core. He misses me as a friend I remind myself. I miss his commanding presence, his strength, how safe I feel when I'm around him. I miss his scent.

"The house is a lot quieter and feels empty without three big hockey players in it." I smile, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiles in return. "What are you two doing tomorrow?"

"Your mom texted about meeting up with her at the children's museum. That's alright, right?"

His eyes soften, and he looks at me with something that suspiciously like adoration. "Of course, Ems. I know I've told you before, but you know how much I appreciate you, right? And everything you do for me?"

I nod, not wanting to let his praise get to me.

"You're not just amazing with Annie. You're...well, you're amazing. Period." His voice drops to a near whisper. "I don’t know what I'd do without you."

The warmth in his gaze makes my heart race. I force myself to keep my voice steady. "I'm just doing my job."

"It's more than that, Ems. You’re more than that."

The vulnerability in his eyes is unmistakable, and it takes my breath away.

"Get some rest," he finally says, breaking the spell. "We'll talk more tomorrow."

I nod, unable to speak. As the call ends, I lie there staring at the screen and something suspiciously like hope ravages my chest. But it's stupid to hope, isn't it? To entertain the idea that someone like Carter could ever want me. Could ever see me as more than his nanny, right?