Page 50 of Hat Trick (Titans Hockey #1)

Chapter forty-four

Emily

I set Annie up at the dining room table with some finger pants.

I cover the table with construction paper and drop big blobs of different colored paints on paper plates for her to play with, when the doorbell rings.

I open it with a smile on my face, thinking momentarily it must have been one of the boys or my brother or Nancy.

When I fling the door open, though, a gorgeous, tall woman with copper-red hair stands on the porch with a look of shock and disgust on her face.

"Who the fuck are you?" She demands, staring at me as if I was a piece of garbage.

Shame and insecurity sweep me up instantly. "The nanny. Who are you?"

"The mother." She replies curtly.

Cedar. I freeze, my brain going into panic-mode. She's the last person in the world I expected to see on the front porch, and I don't have the first clue what to do about it. Annie squeals with joy from behind me and Cedar pushes past me into the house.

I run to Annie before scooping her up in my arms and backing away from Cedar.

"I'm calling the boys, but I'm not afraid to call 911 if I have to.

" I threaten, pulling my phone out of my back pocket and pointing it at her like a weapon.

She holds up her hands, placating me, but keeps her eyes on Annie, still sporting a disgusting snarl on her face.

She moves to sit on the couch while I back into our bedroom and shut and lock the door.

With shaking hands, I send the boys a group text :

Me: 911. Cedar's here and I don't know what to do.

Then I dial the case worker's number.

"This is Letty Washington."

"Mrs. Washington, this is Emily, Annie Rhodes's.

..Annie Miller's nanny. Her biological mother just showed up and I don't know what to do.

" The shaking in my hands spreads through my entire body now and my voice tremors.

Why the fuck is she here? Why show up six months after abandoning your child?

Was she here to take Annie? Would she try to take her by force?

Was she here to play one big happy family with Carter?

Acid sits like a rock in my stomach while my heart beats a hard rhythm against the front wall of my chest.

I shake my head and focus on the case worker's voice. "She legally gave up any parental rights, so she's not allowed to take Annie."

"But I don't have any legal right to her either, I'm just the nanny."

"Have you called Mr. Rhodes?"

"I sent him a text."

"I'll call his manager and get a message to him ASAP. If you're safe, stay where you are with Annie. Mr. Rhodes and I will be there as quickly as possible."

"Thank you."

I hang up and try calling Carter again, but it goes to voicemail after ringing a handful of times.

I try the other boys, too, but they must be on the ice.

Anxiety and nerves threaten to overtake me, but I focus on Annie.

I read her book after book after book, my voice trembling and warbling but she doesn't seem to notice.

Finally, I hear a commotion by the front door and male voices. I pick up Annie and place her on my hip before tenderly unlocking my bedroom door and peaking down the hallway .

All three boys stand in the living room, their faces murderous. Cedar is standing as well, looking every bit like she's going to give back whatever they're going to throw at her.

"Emily, are you two alright?" Carter growls without looking at me.

"Yes, Carter. We're alright." My voice squeaks. I hate myself for my weakness. Carter's shoulders relax, just as Mrs. Washington walks in the open doorway. She takes an appraising look around the room and goes into crisis mode.

"Why don't we all have a seat so we can talk this through?

" She offers, pointing at the couches. I go to sit in the dining room, to give Carter and the rest room to discuss while I distract Annie, now that I'm not afraid for her safety.

But Carter steps in front of me and holds his hands out for his daughter.

"Emily, why don't you go for a walk?" His tone leaves no interpretation; it's a command, not a suggestion.

I wince and fall a step backwards. I'm stunned.

My brain struggling to process what's happening.

I look, shocked, from him, who was still staring at Cedar, to Cedar, who was staring at her daughter, to Gabe and Luca.

He wants me to leave? Just like that? My mouth falls open and I lamely close it and open it a few more times, words evading me. Everything I've poured into Annie, and him and Gabe and Luca, and now Cedar shows up and that's it? I'm out? Gabe and Luca won't even look me in the eye.

I'm being dismissed. As if I just weeks ago we hadn't been madly in love. As if Carter didn't care at all about how much I've helped him as a father. As if I mean nothing to them.

All of a sudden, I feel small. Unimportant. Not wanted.

Again .

And fuck if the last six months of the boys building me up doesn't crumble in that instant.

I'm not enough. I'm never enough.

I'm not good enough to fight for. I'm not good enough to stay for. I'm not good enough to love.

Not for my mom. Not for my dad. Not for Chad. And now, apparently, for the three men who I thought loved me more than anything. I'm not enough to fight for. Not enough to stay for. Not enough to love. What a joke.

Pinpricks of tears start behind my eyes, and I bite my lip to stop the tremble. I won't lose it until I'm clear. I won't cry in front of them. I have given them every inch of my body and soul, but I won't give them that. I won't let them see me break.

I grab my purse and jacket from the front entry and leave without a word. I make it down the four front steps of the porch before the first tear falls. Shaking, I hold myself together. They could still see me from the front window...if they're even looking...if they even care.

Fuck, I was a naive idiot. Of course they didn't care.

I was just the nanny - an employee. An employee with benefits I huff to myself humorously.

Except sometime in the last six months, those lines had blurred enough to become non-existent.

I was their nanny, their friend, their lover.

..their...whatever I was, I was disposable.

I was an easy, convenient lay. Someone who wouldn't ask for more than the bare minimum.

Someone so desperate for love she was eager to spread her legs and thank them for whatever they decided to doll out.

Except, that wasn't exactly true anymore, either. We had fallen in love. Somehow over the months, I had fallen in love with three gorgeous hockey players. And I thought they loved me, too .

Except you don't bail on someone you love when things get hard. You don't send them away. Like I didn't belong there. Shit, that was my home. I'd made memories in that dining room, in that bedroom, with Annie and the boys. Memories I would forever think back on only to rebreak my own heart.

'Take a walk.'

I snort a sad, sarcastic laugh. Six months of my life, my entire heart, and three little words destroyed it all.

The previously overcast sky opens up and I pull my hood over my head, before cussing. I'm wearing Carter's Titans sweatshirt. I thought about pulling it off in anger and leaving it on the sidewalk, but I'd freeze. No, I'd wallow in it instead, feeling every ounce of pain.

How stupid was I to lose my employment, my home, my boyfriends, and my.

..my Annie...all in one day? Fuck, in one hour.

One woman shows up and takes everything from me.

Because it was never mine to begin with.

She's Carter's hookup, Annie's mother, the boys' friend.

I was just a stand-in. A pathetic place holder. God, I hate myself.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that I couldn't even be mad at the boys. It was never supposed to be deep. It was supposed to be casual, no-strings-attached, no distractions. And yet I'd fallen in love along the way.

I thought they had, too.

My chest aches, my heart hurts and I feel weighed down by sadness, regret, remorse, loss, and pain. All of it too much to handle. I walk and walk until I found myself by the park at the side of the river. It's empty because of the rain, and it seems like the perfect place to wallow in my own mess .

I'll stay until nightfall. Until it's late enough the boys will be asleep and I can sneak back and get my car. No. The fear of seeing one of them again? I couldn't do it. It would break me. I'd see the dismissal, the apathy, the rejection. I wouldn't survive that.

I text Sammy.

Me: Could you come pick me up please? I'm at Franklin Park.

Sammy: You okay? What's going on?

Me: Don't want to talk about it, just need a ride.

Sammy: OMW

About 35 minutes later I see a lone car pull into the parking lot before flashing their lights at me. I wrap my arms around myself before walking to the passenger side and sliding in. I should feel bad about getting his car so wet, but I can't find it in me to care. I'll care tomorrow.

"What happened?" Sammy asks, stricken. I'm sure I look awful. Face red and puffy from crying, hair wet and matted like a wet rat, clothes soaked through. I simply look out the passenger window, more tears pouring down my face.

"Got it. Don't want to talk about it, just need a ride. Where are we going?"

"Your place." I say quietly. I couldn't go to my dad's house. I'd hear all about my failures and I didn't need the reminder of just how fucking worthless I am. And I had nowhere else to go. Sammy has a spare bedroom I can hole up in until I can figure my life out again.

The drive feels like it takes forever. I'm cold but feverish, and my brain just keeps replaying how stupid I've been over and over again. It's exhausting. I know I was stupid. It doesn't need to remind me .

Following Sammy up the steps to his apartment, I feel like a zombie. Like I'm not really in my own body. There's a dull ache in my chest where my heart used to live, but mostly I'm numb.

I don't say a word as I fall into the spare bedroom, wet clothes and all, and pass out.